jamiecamiling

[jamiecamiling]

You're amazing.

:-)

[jamiecamiling]

2015.

What an incredibly interesting year. This was definitely the year of reunions.

Thank you, 2015, for testing my strength, mentality, and emotional boundaries. I met with a lot of old faces I haven’t seen in years and bonded with people I thought would be left in the past. And not gonna lie, 2015 triiiiedddd it when it gave me the opportunity to meet with some people in particular. 2015 was and seemed to be a second chance to one of the most difficult phases I’ve ever endured in my lifetime.

Now, for those of you that have followed me on here, I always refer back to this specific time-frame, because well...to me, it was where life tested the shit out of me and tried to rid me of this world. But, as you can see (or read), I survived it. Anywho, back to 2015. Ah, yes. This year reflected that same time-frame, except I had a newer mindset and have played this game before. So this time, I was more than ready to change its once-destructive course.  

Same things happened - found a new perspective, found a new type of independence, found a new type of comfort. And believe it or not, I saw people I thought I would never see again, or so I hoped I wouldn’t see again. There are people I’ve reunited with in 2015, however, whose company I fell in love with all over again: The late night ice cream date after class. The random bar bump-in. The one vegas trip (furr shurr). The girl’s bbq days. The “let’s talk about how cute this one is” wine nights. and of course, the countless lunches and dinners that showed me how lucky I am to still be able to bond with my family. I am super thankful for these opportunities and more that 2015 had to offer me.

But of course, the tests are never that easy and opportunities are never so easy to come by. First off, I found myself invested in a relationship that was leading to resentment (exhibit A of been there, done that). Instead of staying and beating both him and myself up about it, I left. I knew from the first time around that trying to resurrect something that’s been dead will only leave you tired and alone. So, I got up and left it where it be.  I lived my life, and he did his. 

...and this is where 2015 started playing games with me...

I started going out. I ran into people I haven’t seen in or cared for in YEARS. I saw an ex for the first time. It’s funny because I used to think if that if the time were to ever come, all I’d want to do is punch his face and feel sorry for both him and myself. However, things played out differently. We acknowledged each other, I paid respect for his artwork. And we went our separate ways. That’s it. We’re not friends anymore. We’re not enemies anymore. We’re just two people that know each other’s past secrets and have since then grown apart and changed for the better. We’re two completely different people and tbh, I’m sure I have no clue who he is and he, me. Anyway, enough about that...I ran into other.... “people.” lol. and it was interesting to say the least. What I always wondered would happen, happened..just not in the endings I imagined it to be. and if any of you are reading this and think this is about you in any way - I’m sorry. (and if this isn’t about you, but you’re still debating on whether or not it is....I’m still sorry for whatever it is you think I fucked up on, ha).

But yeah...in 2015, I lived the shit out of my life. I ended up giving love a second chance and we began dating again. We found the exact reasons why we fell in love with each other in the first place - and we loved all over again. and this time, it was better and more real. Not trying to give too much away, but for now, I’m lucky. hmm, what else. Oh yes, I finally got out of community college. I finally saw the smile on my dad’s face when I showed him this semester’s grades (4.0 baby, suck it!). I made new friends. I reunited with old friends. I let go of old friends. I worked yet another year at the same company. and was finally recognized for my work. I didn’t give a damn about what people had to say and put myself out there...and I ended up feeling really good about it. I joined dance again. I worked make-up gigs.

I was able to have people believe in my art and my talent. I had people believe in my intelligence. I had people believe in ME. 

and most importantly, I spent waay too much money on alcohol, gas, and dinners this year. And I don’t regret throwing away a single penny. 2015 was full of experiences, opportunities, and “I can’t believe I just did that” moments. I am so thankful for every thing that came my way this year; I am so thankful for every one that came my way this year. If 2015 was great, I can’t wait to see what types of adventures 2016 has already lined up for me. Experience is experience. You just need to learn to ride along with it. 

[jamiecamiling]

[jamiecamiling]

Thank the Lord for putting the right people in my life who know how to love and handle my best and worst features.. I love and cherish these people with my entire heart and will continue to thank God for improving my life with their presence.

Meggan Roxanne (via kushandwizdom)

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[jamiecamiling]

Update on life 6/1/2015

So i highly doubt any one of my followers are still as active on here as they once were back when I was in high school, but I’m just going to leave this here because I feel the need to write. 

A lot has changed. Last time I wrote and posted anything on here, I was just this huge mess of a human that I’m sure confused a lot of people. I know, I know...I had...issues. However, I went through a lot since then.

I believe it has been 4-5 years since I’ve last shared any personal thoughts and emotions. Since then, I’ve ditched tumblr and went straight to instagram and twitter, which explains why I forgot the beauty of personal blogging. Nowadays,  the internet is used by most simply for fashion, selfies...popularity and attention. Although I am guilty for using it for some of these reasons, I forgot how simple it was to just post your inner thoughts, events throughout the day, etc., without having to worry too much about internet fame (bc everyone on tumblr was famous, cmon yall let’s get real). But the importance of writing and communicating with words, literature, etc. has since dwindled down. lol, ok sorry now i’m just rambling on....

Anywho, time since then has allowed my mentality to age beautifully. Never really understood the meaning of loneliness until alcohol bottles and cigarette packs accumulated in larger than “average” quantities. ha. Sadness really did take over for a while. Didn’t know what to do with myself, and in the process confused others. Got close to a few and then just....disappeared. As if they had done something terrible to me. I get it though...all those cliche phrases “everyone’s here to teach you a lesson” or something like that... it’s true. And I’ve heard it multiple times. I just wish some lessons were meant to be learned from different people. But, no time for regrets or trying to impossibly change the past. I did learn, & I learned way more than what I’ve had within my 17 years of schooling. lol. 

Now, I’m not implying that I am trying to remember or repeat the past, but it’s just crazy to see where I am now and look back. These whole 4 years so far have just been a crazy journey filled with emotional and intellectual maturity. I know I have so much more to learn, but to see how far I’ve gotten as a person reminds me of how blessed I am to have made it this far. It’s simple, it really is, but to be able to genuinely say and believe that I am happy has been something i’ve been struggling with for a while, but it became possible. Even when Jaysee came into the picture, I refused to get comfortable with being satisfied. (But, I’m not gonna touch up too much on our relationship. Just know that that alone has been a separate journey, but it’s been a fun ride with him nonetheless.) Anyways, it’s honestly nice to look back at the people, or these “lessons learned” as cliche people would call them, and not feel anything negative. Trust me, I held grudge after grudge for a long time. But as i think back, I am thankful to not feel any sense of remorse, contrition, resentment, or indignation. Even when I hear some people’s names, no emotion pops up and tries to overcome me with bitter or even magnanimous memories/feelings. It’s kind of like asking “Oh...that person. how are they?” simply just out of courtesy, not really out of curiosity nor because you actually care . lol. sounds a little harsh, but it’s an accomplishment really. Those names that once pierced your soul and made you believe that sobriety isn’t tolerable and left the thought open that suicide is a possible option....are now simply just names; kind of like street names in a new city--unfamiliar, but you know it has its significance. My ears have gotten numb to those names and memories. Some i do look back and smile, however, because when I was left to recover on my own...I did so. And their name is just a trophy of a journey they gave me to overcome. For those of you that allowed me to convalesce, thank you. I’m okay now. 

[jamiecamiling]

[jamiecamiling]

Där långa skuggor ruva - Part IV - XXVIII & XXIX © Heathen Harnow - please do not remove credit

[jamiecamiling]

[jamiecamiling]

It is hard for a female to just be friends with a male. It will almost always end up with the two developing feelings for each other.

You’re generalizing a whole group of people though. I have tons of guy friends that I’ve known for years and have never felt any romantic or sexual feelings towards them and I’m sure the feeling is mutual considering we all have healthy friendships with each other for two to eight years now.

I think it’s easy to start liking someone when you begin to get close but that’s only if you develop deep feelings for people quickly. I get to know people and think they’re cool enough to hang out with but I can always tell by the first couple of times I see them if I would ever pursue them.

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