jamiebenoitstec

[jamiebenoitstec]

Two women with breast cancer died in the last two weeks. I was a volunteer for them during their time at First Descents.

I don't understand this disease, and why I'm still here when so many aren't.

[jamiebenoitstec]

Post going flat body update. Shit's a little weird. From one side I'm concave and you can see my protruding ribcage and tummy. From the other side I have the tiniest little titling. I think my body would be more pleasing without the tummy, but I'm honestly not willing to do the work, so I'm just saying I look like a toddler and am cute.

[jamiebenoitstec]

My husband is going to have a biopsy on his thyroid, and I just booked travel across the country, so I'm basically guaranteeing that he has cancer, yeah?

[jamiebenoitstec]

I finally got covid. And you know what, is wasn't that bad.

But here's what is. I haven't had word recollection issues since I had my implants out. It started again with covid.

I haven't had that metallic chemo taste in my mouth in ten years. It started again with covid.

I haven't been this exhausted since cancer treatment. It started again with covid.

So, yes, it wasn't that bad, but once you've had your body turn against you in such a spectacular way, a disease like this, with so many unknowns, is frightening. Horrifying. I don't know what will happen with my recovery. I'm ten years out from diagnosis, I removed my implants, I no longer take my hormone suppressant drugs. But now I have a new disease to contend with.

[jamiebenoitstec]

When I told the nurse I was walking on the treadmill she wad concerned. She wanted to make sure I walked slowly. She also suggested I 'just walk around the house', as I could fall off the treadmill.

Bitch, how big do you think my house is? Also, can you watch hours of HBOMax while walking around the house? That sounds more like a situation where one might fall, not walking three miles an hour on a treadmill.

[jamiebenoitstec]

You motherfuckers took my tits off EIGHT DAYS AGO

[jamiebenoitstec]

I'm going to be straight with you. My chest looks like shit. It is concave, lopsided, bruised. Looking down at it in the shower I just saw my belly, bloated with painkiller-induced constipation, and fat with age and menopause. But here's the thing; it's my body. It's my body again. It's my body, absent of plastic, absent of painful scar tissue. I am lighter. I am free.

[jamiebenoitstec]

Two blown veins and three RNs and we're finally ready to get this show on the road.

[jamiebenoitstec]

Getting anxious about my surgery, but looking forward to being flat. It's about time that the real stars of this body get their due. Yes, I am talking about my best feature, my strong, broad, shoulders.

[jamiebenoitstec]

These are what I'm getting rid of next week. Don't let anyone tell you that breast cancer is a free boob job. For me it's been seven surgeries, two expanders, seven individual saline implants, fat grafting, and constant discomfort and mostly asymmetry.

This is not a breast. This is a rock hard abomination. I am scared about how my body will look when I go flat, but I know I'll be more comfortable than I am now.

Counting down the showers until I'm done with these.

[jamiebenoitstec]

This is a good shirt for after I go flat, yes?

[jamiebenoitstec]

Fucking ‘round with fakies

These are the symptoms of breast implant illness, a disease that is not yet recognized by doctors:

Joint pain.

Muscle pain.

Muscle weakness (myopathy)

Anxiety and depression.

Brain fog.

Fatigue.

Memory loss.

Trouble concentrating

Autoimmune condition symptoms or diagnosis

Chronic pain.

Dry eyes or low vision.

Hair loss.

Skin problems such as rashes

These are the side effects of Anastrozole, a cancer drug I took for ten years, and just ceased in October:

Blurred vision

bone pain

chest pain or discomfort

dizziness

headache

nervousness

pounding in the ears

slow or fast heartbeat

swelling of the feet or lower legs

These are the symptoms of ‘chemo brain’, which may or may not be a ‘legitimate’ medical issue:

Being unusually disorganized

Confusion

Difficulty concentrating

Difficulty finding the right word

Difficulty learning new skills

Difficulty multitasking

Feeling of mental fogginess

Short attention span

Short-term memory problems

Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks

Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation

Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words

During the last ten years of being a cancer patient, going through chemo, having numerous implants, and being on cancer drugs, I’ve experienced more of these than not. But what’s real? What is a real symptom of an underlying condition, and what’s just being a 40something in a cold climate with a familial history of depression and anxiety? What can I blame on cancer and what can I blame on being a human being in late stage capitalism?

I don’t purport to have breast implant illness. But I absolutely dislike my implants and the look of my ‘breasts’. They are weird and asymmetrical, and the radiated side is always tight and mildly painful. I was toying with the idea of removing them, and discussed it with my husband. Then the very next day the FDA released findings about a rare but possible cancer link. And that clinched it. Time to stop fucking ‘round with fakies.

I have a date for surgery. On November 28 I’ll be removing these implants and will hopefully achieve what is called ‘aesthetic flat closure’. This means I will have a flat chest, without concaves or strange lumps of skin. This might not be achievable with only one surgery, but usually takes no more than two.

And that’s key to me. I am 45 years old. I want to be done. I don’t want to swap out implants into my golden years. I don’t want to chase after some ideal body type; I certainly am not a ‘plastic surgery’ person. I would rather be in a body that was atypical in appearance and healthy, than have a nice rack and live in fear of more disease.

So, I am resurrecting this blog to start on the next part of my ‘cancer journey’. I am going flat.

I was fortunate to get a surgery date so soon. If I didn’t take that slot, I would be looking at May. In May I want to be flat, and training for another race, and planning for fun tattoos on my new chest, and to be shocking my neighborhood by mowing the lawn shirtless.

On to the next big thing. 

[jamiebenoitstec]

You talking to me about your 'stage 0' breast cancer is incredibly triggering.

I want to be supportive, charitable, helpful. But what you're going through is worlds away from what I did, and I'm having a hard time.

[jamiebenoitstec]

Everybody is dying

[jamiebenoitstec]

I'm feeling sorry for myself because of this text last night. She can tell me these things. I'm glad she does. But I'm still sad.

I'm also feeling sorry for myself because I had to work late and missed the chance to mountain bike with friends, so I'm using my free time this evening getting my blood drawn before my upcoming oncology appointment.

[jamiebenoitstec]

I had a shitty day at work and now I'm missing all of my friends who died.

[jamiebenoitstec]

Maybe I should go off my anastrozole. I'm fat, hairy, sick, and tired, and I feel like this felt worse than cancer.