jakisbrain

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My 10 Books

Esquire didn't ask me to contribute to their article and I’m certain you all are very upset by this. Because I love you, I put together my 10 books. Like my 30 for 30 list, I will realize immediately the ones I’ve left off. I’m woefully behind on classics, you see.

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MeAF.

SPOTLIGHT.

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Here’s a tip: Don’t try to open a can of beer with a knife.

Own this BCV Original.

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Decided to go ahead and do this!

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Hi, I'm chatty today. I'm also very embarrassed how much the Justin Bieber parts make me butterfly stomach-y.

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Proof Gelato Thursday!!!! #bff #kentuckyauthorforum #HelloNimbus (at Proof on Main)

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I don’t know what this is all I know is that I can’t stop thinking about it

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Things I wish I’d submitted to The Toast before I learned it was closing but now I can because it’s less scary (1)

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend…

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d know it be silly but some nights you’d see her face in your window, even though you live on the fifth floor.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d be so excited to finally be able to go swimming with your human friends, but the first person you’d want to share it with wouldn’t be able care and would feel slighted all over again that you forgot robots can’t swim.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend it would have a lot to do with the fact that every time you had a slumber party at her house Jaime and Reggie would give you horny looks on the way to her cabinet.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d slightly resent not being able to simply unplug your new friends when you’d rather watch season 3 of Buffy than hear about their most recent break up.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d wonder occasionally if she and Harriet were still friends and try and find the Brindles on Facebook, you miss Alice Ghostly more than you could imagine; Edie McClurgh shares her pineapple upside down cake recipe.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you would not miss the constant reminders from Vicki that her true purpose was to help handicap children and that you were simply selfish because you wanted a new Guess jean jacket.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d struggle every day wondering if you should tell the authorities about the time you and Jamie programmed Vicki to steal that Guess jean jacket.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend your therapist would mention, trepidatiously, that you needed to break the habit of making every experience end with a fucking lesson in true humanity.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d find yourself peeking into the box in the back of your closet, occasionally trying on the striped dress and apron. You’d remember a few steps of your secret summer dance.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you just know that she’d make you laugh pretending to charge your iPhone in her armpit, you’d swear you saw a genuine smile as she turned away.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend you’d try to forgive, you would, but she can’t just electrocute you at the 8th grade dance because she thought you were flirting with that high school boy even though you were just telling him about how great she is because he called her robotic and incapable of feelings.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend Those bangs.

If V.I.C.I (Vicki) from Small Wonder was your ex-childhood friend she was literally so closed minded that she shut down for three hours trying to decipher the incest in my stolen copy of any VC Andrews book. She never could really look at Jamie in the eye after that. I know he blamed me, I blamed me too.

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This album is *fire emoji*

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Annual #BEA Book Brag. (Not pictured: Emma Cline's 'The Girls' because I already devoured it) #allthebooks #IGaveHolbieMyMarciaClarkBook #oknotallthebooksbecausetheywereheavy

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It's a look.

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Has everyone met my new BFF Ann Patchett? Seen here with Diane Rehm at one of the greatest nights of my life.

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Eric Garner’s Daughter Wants You To Vote For Bernie Sanders— Here’s Why

Gifs: Bernie 2016

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HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY PRINCESS ESTELLE OF SWEDEN | 23 February 2012

“When Silvia takes care of Estelle, a friend with whom Silvia often talks on the phone, describes it as sounding like this: ’But, Estelle. No, stay here with grandma!’ Followed by, ’I must go, Estelle ran away’.”

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TFW @hamiltonmusical is on the Grammys tonight.

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2016 Pupdictions

I’m pretty excited looking at this year’s Puppy Bowl line-up. You’ve got a good mix of venerated veterans and plucky newcomers. I take a look at a few of 2016’s stand outs.

Atticus – This tall Virginian is ready to play. Already the top defensive scorer of all puppies, he aims to lift a leg on his inter-conference rival, Brooklyn.

Bijoux – This regal motherfucker should have his own bowl, the Florida team leader and star quarterback does not have time for your puppy shenanigans.

Boris and Natasha – These high-dollar players are just here so they don’t get fined. Having to cancel “Agility Training With The Stars” for the game has been the headline all winter.

Brooklyn – I have high expectations for this Michigan-born superstar. From his Gucci collars to his high-profile entourage, he’s the reason the fans tune in.

Buttons – Don’t let her size or her name fool you, Buttons earned her spot by sacking a record 38 Cocker Spaniels.

Carolina – The MVP and People’s Choice. Expect a lot of playing time from everyone’s favorite New Yorker.

Gryffin – Surely he is the coach or a Walter Matthau reincarnate. If you want to live with dog Walter Matthau call Florida Little Dog Rescue.

Otis – If this were a teen movie, he’d be my favorite character

Rugby – This dog was born to be a kicker. Always clutch, he makes special teams the star of the show. His lack of focus is a continuing problem, leading to his recent injury after chasing a hoverboard over a bridge and down a cliff.

Scout – There has never been a dog more ready for Puppy Bowl. Every other puppy who has ever stepped on this field was only 10% as ready as Scout was when he learned he was on the team.