jackshields

[jackshields]

end.

i'm tired of trying

and never seeing anything.

i'm tired of being

without thinking there's a reason.

all things must pass,

that's a fact,

and sometimes, before they need to,

things can suddenly end.

end in an unfinished way

because there was nothing left to say,

and they can end at any time,

for example, today.

i wasn't sure how good life was

because fear has always ruled things,

my fear of unstoppable change

made me to afraid to see.

sometimes the end can be just a new beginning,

the next change has arrived sooner than expected,

and as i open the door, ready to leave the house,

i say my goodbyes to all the people i've met, knowing that somehow, it's not really the end.

[jackshields]

nothing

i have nothing.

i never had anything.

how am i supposed to achieve my dreams

when i don't know what i'm gonna be?

nothing makes sense,

never has,

but i'll admit,

i don't think i'm ready to meet my end.

all i do every morning is wake up

and every night is sleep,

with nothing cherishable in between,

and nothing to do anymore.

i've failed,

even after all my tries,

and i believe i should be getting ready

for saying my goodbyes.

[jackshields]

dreams

we all have dreams.

some of us wish to achieve them,

and some of them think it's impossible to do so.

and for me, i'm not realy sure anymore.

my biggest dream is to do something

i know will be remembered.

due to my fear of being forgotten after i'm done,

i'm afraid that i'll become just another pile of dust.

sometimes i feel like i'm getting there,

and sometimes it feels that i'm on a completely different planet,

to the point where i give up completely thinking i can't manage,

and get up again thinking it will lead me to somewhere.

this cycle repeats more often than i'd like to admit,

so much, i'm not really sure of what i'm gonna be.

but no matter what it is, i'll get there eventually,

if i could just get up again after getting kicked by my own feet.

[jackshields]

mirror

i hate looking at mirrors

because i can't stand the image of myself.

there's so much i'd like to do

that i can't think of anything else.

i like to scream at mirrors

because of what the person inside them has done to me,

or maybe because i don't like to see

all my trials and errors.

i don't like to look at mirrors

because i don't feel comfortable being who i am.

i wish i wasn't born with this body

and if i could, i'd be born again.

the truth is i'm not sure of who i am,

there's so much i'd like to change, but my choices are so narrow.

but i know that if i did what i've always wanted to,

i'd finally smile while looking at the mirror.

[jackshields]

life

i have dreams i wish to conclude.

i have hopes that it'll get better.

but i have fear i'm just a disaster,

and insecurity that makes me want to puke.

why do i keep doing this?

do i just keep forcing myself?

i stare onto the abyss,

and it lets me know i'll never be anyone else.

if my life were a road,

it'd be a dead end,

all i can see now

is that im stranded.

alone in a place that's full,

head empty, yet feel so dull.

and it feels weird just to exist,

i feel like i'm fine, yet i don't feel myself here.

[jackshields]

recognize

i look at the mirror

and don't recognize the person i see.

i stare into the eyes of the person inside,

and wonder "is that really me?"

i've changed so much

ever since last year,

the old me has died,

but i can still feel someone here.

what is it that i've become?

a person without any meaning,

someone who just lives around,

with no knowledge of what they're feeling.

and all i see

are unknown places i've been before,

but don't recognize anymore,

being that i was never sure of what i was.

sometimes we have to keep going

when we don't have control over ourselves,

but the more familiar you get with yourself?

the more you start feeling better because you're finally knowing.

[jackshields]

midnight

midnight strikes again,

and in the end, i'm still the same.

wondering what i'll be when it ends,

what will be of my remains.

i can't sleep.

i can't think,

about pretty much anything,

with the exception of "i know i didnt choose to be like this."

another night arrives,

and i fear midnight is getting closer,

another light of endless attempts

of trying to sleep while also to get over.

[jackshields]

ahead

what's ahead of me?

there's no way to know

but it only goes to show

that i don't think i can see.

see what is wrong,

what was i meant to,

i can't take it anymore,

what is it i'm supposed to do?

as the days go by,

in such a short notice,

it makes me realize

i can't go through this.

i'm not capable following

what i had ahead,

but i think i'm even less ready

to meet my fateful end.

[jackshields]

odd

life is odd.

it's weird to describe.

even when everything is alright,

something still feels off.

i feel like i should be doing something,

being someone,

yet no matter what,

it never feels enough.

what should i do?

am i even capable of doing said thing,

even if i have no idea what it is?

my mind is completely blank,

my body can't move,

while i just see the world around me,

i'm merely hopeless without a clue

of what it is i'm supposed to do.

even if i knew what it was,

would i be enough?

do i have a purpose in this world?

or am i just supposed to get by until i get back to where i came from?

will i ever be someone?

will i only be forgotten after i'm turned to dust?

i'm the only person who is capable of answering this question,

but with my mind full of fear,

my only reply is that i have no idea.

[jackshields]

when?

when did i lose myself?

how did it get to this?

why do i keep going,

when i'm stuck in a dead-end?

why am i here?

what was i made for?

do i have a reason?

or do i keep walking through this shore?

what am i supposed to do?

how can i break through?

when i'm so unsure of myself,

and can't thing of nothing else to make me feel well?

what should i be doing instead?

when will this end?

when?

when?

when...

[jackshields]

agony

i write this in complete agony,

with a future that's unknown,

but if i'm the the only one who controls it,

how can i feel so unsure?

to know your actions are utterly meaningless

is one of the worst things a person can stand,

because it doesn't matter what you decide today,

you'll just end up a grain in a pile of sand.

i believe hope can be found

for those who can believe,

but lately i've been finding it hard,

to concieve the plans i have in my mind.

i used to have a bit of hope left,

hope that i could finally be,

but it has come to my attention

i've built a brickwall in the road i had ahead of me.

so in agony i spend my days,

wondering how and when this will end,

i've gotten tired of living like this,

and even more tired of having to pretend.

[jackshields]

afraid

all my life, i've always been afraid,

to try and not be enough,

but also that things will forever stay this way.

i'm tired of living like this,

all i've ever wanted was to be something,

but it keeps getting harder by the day,

as i stay away from what i've wanted to be.

i can't help but get used to this feeling,

afraid to never be anything, but also to try and fail again,

as i live a life that's doesnt feel like i'm living,

but all i'm doing is barely surviving.

[jackshields]

chasing

i'm always chasing for impossible things. things that i desperately wish would happen. but with all of my best attempts, it is sure to end in a disaster. as i walk down the endless road of dreams, the end never seems to be reaching near, but i still hold on, even though i know there's no how. is it getting better or worse? i can't tell, but i know things are changing, as i look past into all i've done, with barely any memorable situations. what am i here for? do i have a meaning anymore? or do i just exist, living a life doing nothing but "things"? what will be of me? why can't i see a future i'm happy with? my very own actions are the reason, or even worse, the lack of them. i've been dreaming more than anyone could ever accomplishing, i've been thinking more that has ever been written, but i'll forever be a passer-by, destined into never being.

[jackshields]

leaving

i'll be leaving soon,

but i dont know when.

i have no purpose,

but wish i was somewhere else instead.

no matter how hard i try,

it never feels enough,

the noises keep ringing in my head,

telling me i should be someone else,

but even though i swear i've tried,

i feel like i've had better times to die.

all i've done has always been meaningless,

i'm a prisoner of my very own mind,

i have nothing in life

to leave me satisfied.

but i'll be leaving,

and really soon,

leaving behind

what i've always wanted to do.

[jackshields]

time

time is passing by,

no matter how hard we try,

it goes as fast as a second,

and when you realize, it's been a decade.

we need to do what we'd like to,

otherwise, it'll be too late.

you don't want to live a life of regret,

because you couldn't care less about your fate.

speaking of fate, i don't know what mine is,

the objective reason someone is here,

and i always keep losing track of time,

losing things i'd always wanted to see.

and before you realize,

your time has run out,

but you were too distracted to notice,

hanging around,

and all the things you wished you lived?

turned into shattered hopes and dreams.

[jackshields]

express

expressing myself has been pretty hard, i don't know how can i explain what it looks like. i sit here confused, wondering if i'll ever be alright. i'm just tired, man. how can i ever be myself when i feel like i have nothing left? i have nothing left, nothing left, nothing... ...

[jackshields]

existance.

all of us are here for a purpose, that's what i believe in. but lately i don't know what is it that i've been being. i've been trying, i know it, yet i feel so lost, an object on orbit, i've forfeit all the meaning i've had left, and am forever drowned in the pile of sand i call "my thoughts". the world's gonna end soon, i'm pretty sure about that, so why is it i still feel like i can't do nothing, like i can't react? hell, it's all going to be over soon, there may not be a tommorow, yet i spend every second of every minute of every hour of every day agonizing in sorrow. i write these words with nothing on my mind, completely deaf, completely blind, with the thought of nothing but death on my head, and i wish i could be doing literally anything else instead. my existance has always been bleak, i've never truly lived, i could never see, and nowadays, there isn't a single person i don't envy for the simple fact that they're not me. so pour one out, whoever you are, a quick one can't hurt, if we're all gonna be dead anyway, then let us die immersed in the all the things we never did, but wish we would've.