jackryanistrash

[jackryanistrash]

rb to give a flower to the person you rb this from

[jackryanistrash]

[jackryanistrash]

Affirmations bc i'm disabled & struggle with internalized ableism:

I am doing good. My goals are mine, and I don't need to compare myself to other people.

I am inherently worthy as a human being, regardless of my productivity (or lack thereof).

I am allowed to rest, and it is okay that I need to rest almost 24/7 because of my disabilities. Rest is not a break to be earned; it's a need, and everyone's needs are different.

I am allowed to enjoy things simply because they make me happy. My joy is a human need, not something to be commodified.

I have so many strengths: thoughtfulness, compassion, gentleness, creativity, etc. These are the core of who I am.

I am loved and cared for. There are so many people like me across the world, and any time I feel lonely, there is another disabled person somewhere feeling the same. In the same vein, there are disabled activists who are fighting for us; being a voice for people who can't make their voice heard, or don't even know it's an option.

I am not alone <3 And neither is the person reading this. We are worthy, valued, and important. No ifs, ands, or buts.

[jackryanistrash]

Me: why the fuck do I need to always fucking rest I wanna get up and do things

Also me: *stands up* oh fuck that's why I was resting

Still me: *does a task I used to think of as easy and low impact* *gets wiped out for the next 5 hours*

Me 3 hours later: why the fuck do I need to always rest I wanna get up

[jackryanistrash]

When you’re chronically ill or disabled, a short task also requires an allotted recovery time or flare time. I can vacuum my bedroom in 10 minutes with difficulty, but then I need 2 more hours to rest because I exerted myself. I might even need an entire day to recover from a more difficult task. So a 10-minute task now becomes 2+ hours, and an hour task becomes a day. So when I ask someone else to do a task I can technically physically handle, it’s because they can do it in minutes and I need hours.

[jackryanistrash]

[jackryanistrash]

I've known for a while that I need to get checked out. That living with chronic pain is not normal and is something to look into. But I've pushed it off for so long. Telling myself that I'm faking it, it's not as bad as I make it seem, that there's other people who deserve the time and resources more than I do.

But, after this past week of taking 4 hour naps, almost falling asleep in my besties bed, being unable to stand for long periods of time without intense pain and being unable to move without something cracking or locking up- I think about seeing someone more and more

My issue now is that I don't have the money for a specialist or appointments and I don't *think* my insurance would cover anything of importance. And that's been a huge block for me- that and the fact that last time I tried to look into why my body is the way it is the nurses told me that yes I have rheumatoids in my blood but no they don't think it's really that serious because I was 19 at the time and how could someone so young be in so much pain?

Well. I turn 25 tomorrow. And I'm dealing with chronic pain daily. And it's getting worse. I'm overworking myself because I need to in order to survive, and it's actively beating me down. I could've been listened to and gotten help years ago. Not even when I was 19 but when I was 15, when I was 12, when I was 9. I've been dealing with this shit for so long that I don't think I've ever had a day without some level of physical ailment.

My 53 year old coworker (love her to death that is my work mom) is able to put up with so much of the physical strain our job puts on us better than I can. There's something wrong with that.

But- my brother comes to visit next week so if I'm going to look into anything it will have to be after he leaves

Until then, you can catch me falling asleep standing up at my kitchen counter or crying to my boyfriend about how much it hurts to sit up

Happy birthday to me, 25 years of not knowing what's going on with my body

[jackryanistrash]

i don't think that people really understand how mentally fucking draining it is to live with chronic illness. like, people talk about it a lot, sure. but i feel like it is constantly kind of a shrugged off thing that people don't understand the weight off.

how exhausting it is to have your body not be able to do things, while your brain carries on as if it can.

how exhausting and painful it is to try to do things and not fully be accommodated for your needs.

how exhausting goddamn brain fog is. it gets me every day it feels like and i'm still surprised.

how exhausting and frustrating it is to be ill and to think you're having a good day, but SURPRISE, here's a flare, or a bunch of symptoms, or whatever, and now you're in pain and can't do anything. you can't make the pain stop. you just have to feel it.

how exhausting it is to know that nothing will take the pain away. that you literally just have to live with it. and that people won't get it. they won't understand that you are constantly in pain, all the time, and just have to act like you aren't.

how exhausting it is to be exhausted. the fatigue is awful. it just catches me and i can't do anything. i can't move or speak or anything. i just have to exist in it.

it's so annoying and exhausting to see my body give up and to know that i can't really do anything to stop it or cure it. it's so exhausting. it makes me want to cry constantly. i feel so tired and worn down and angry and depressed.

and yet, i have to continue on, like a normal functioning member of society. i have people look at me like an imposition. i see people talk down on chronically ill or disabled people online all the time and complain about us ruining society or taking away resources or whatever the fuck bullshit.

and it makes me feel so shitty that society perceives my only worth as my physical ability to contribute to a fucked up system.

and yet, we carry on, day after day, in hopes it will get better.

[jackryanistrash]

'being disabled is a full-time job' actually with most full-time jobs you get evenings and weekends off, plus holiday time and potentially other benefits like healthcare and dental. we don't get to clock off from being disabled nor do we reap any benefits, material, social, or otherwise. hope this helps

[jackryanistrash]

I'm the wrong person to stalk. I'll post things just because I know you're watching.

[jackryanistrash]

doing a fat bong rip in solidarity for dan howells massive bong

[jackryanistrash]

[jackryanistrash]

Link

[jackryanistrash]

When boys do that thing where they tug at your shirt while you're making out to signal to you that they want you to take it off <3

[jackryanistrash]

i wanna let a boy hold me and talk to me softly and keep me safe and warm and comfy in his arms while i lay all sleepy on him

[jackryanistrash]

skin to skin contact please please please oh my gooood oh my GOD

[jackryanistrash]

sorry for being such a freak to you since the moment we met . i just like you a lot