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I can’t believe OP would post this as if it literally wasn’t a trade of magic beans for a cow so old that you had to tell a lie to sell it—which you told! Were they worthless beans? Were they oversold? Oh, and tell us who persuaded you to steal that gold.

"i'm gay" "i'm straight" okay? it isn't my fault i was given those beans? you persuaded me to trade away my cow for beans? and without those beans there'd of been no stalk to get up to the giant in the first place?

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Hey man does anyone know if we’ve got today tomorrow

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You know I keep that thang on—wait. It was right here I swear. Where did I put—it’s always supposed to be on me but—did I drop it somewhere

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And are these “competitive wages” in the room with us right now?

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Hey anyone else remember that part in Fahrenheit 451 where they sent the metal police dog after the main character and when the main character escaped notice, they sicked it on some random guy just walking around, because everyone was watching the manhunt on TV and the government wouldn’t allow for it to look unfinished or like they were incompetent by letting their mark escape.

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Emeralds are difficult to acquire and difficult to eat…

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Grapes are easy to acquire and easy to eat!

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Pressing random tiles in minesweeper. Just to feel something.

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Nonono, Champagne is the city. You’re thinking of Champagne’s Monster.

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I can't stop thinking about this reddit post on soapmaking dude

I cannot express what an insane recipe that is. No one else could grasp it either

Like beeswax doesn't. It kinda just stays as beeswax in the soap. The lye has nowhere to go with it. That liquid seeping out of the soap? The brown and clear drops?? That's lye. That's straight up lye. This mf made the soap equivalent of the Chernobyl elephants foot.

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rubbing my penis

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And remember, engineering graduates. The number one rule of any ship design is make it entirely explode if it gets bumped the wrong way. Like hitting your funny bone.

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I have a live grenade in my pocket and I’m not afraid to

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Someone matched my freak 13 dead 79 injured

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Guy who dries his dishes on a spin cycle like

[horrible cacophony of shattering ceramic and mechanical motors]

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[dumping kerosene on your lawn] Don’t you hate it when people set your house on fire?