jabberjawless-blog

[jabberjawless-blog]

Dad part 2-death

December 26th dad is moved to hospice my aunt and I spend the night the next day comes and my mom comes and her and I go make funeral arrangments, pick flowers we know its close to the end my stomach is in so much pain and im hurting physically im an emotional mess and as were in stop and shop ordering flowers I piss myself having no idea that i just did that I was such a fucking wreck. I just want to get back to dad as I didnt want him to die alone I was so scared no one would be there when he died. I go back to the place and its night im antsy as shit i havent seen my girlfriend or child for 3 days I havent showered. So i leave alone and go to taco bell and I can barely eat so i go home at 10 i kiss my daughter and im just a mess I strip naked about to get into the shower and i get dressed fast and go wake my gf at the time and tell her im leaving she tells me no so i didnt fight i sat on the couch and cried in hysterics and she comes in and tries to comfort me but just holds me down and its not comforting at all. She calls my mom and I tell her I need to go back and be with dad. Mom comes over and gets me and brings me back and she spend the night with me. The next day all the fanily comes to visit dad is still sleeping his breathing is getting worse and everyone leaves. The first time im alone with dad im sitting. Holding his hand talking to him and watching harry potter and dad takes a deep breath and gasps and stops for 30 seconds which felt like a life time then breaths again stops a min and i knew this was it im holding him i hit the emergency button panicing and no one came im alone and he died in my arms im alone his lifeless body is on me and im in full panic mode i just lay on the floor wailing crying my eyes out so i grab the phone call my mom and just start wailing and she instantly knew and came my aunt walks into the room and starts crying for a second and gets on the phonr and calls someone going “freddie died” i was so pissed and she keeps trying to shhh me.

[jabberjawless-blog]

Dad

My father has been the most complicated part of my life. Where to begin so him and my mom got divorced when i was young my father is the hardest working manI have ever known I will put his work ethic against anyone ever period. My fathers girlfriend was one my elementary school teachers but more on that bitch later. He knew everyone disapproved of the relationship but im proud of him for sticking with her no matter what anyone said even though i hate her more than ever. My dad and i always butted heads as he was one who asked questions and needed to understand from his point of view if he couldnt comprehend simething it was met with a look of panic tears heavy breathing and auch frustration he was always like this but it was worse after his stroke. My dad and I had an on and off again relationship for the better part of a decade for various reasons. Id go to work with him on weekends i was with him wether he was working at a funeral home or if he was working at a public school as a janitor. He always sweated because he busted his ass. My dad and I use to go to this social hall kinda upscale for back in the 80s he was a janitor there it was like a mansion and we were alone there we would play billiards, bowling, make shirley temples it was a fun time other times in his apartment wed have ham steaks instant mashed potatoes and peas it was kind of our thing we’d watch “cops” on fox. My dad always wanted to be a cop but when he was in high school he was a “junior detective” like ROTC but for cops he was banned because he was caught stealig coffee money from the cops when just months prior won an award for boy of the year ya thats the kind of guy my dad was. Fast forward to November 2016 thanksgiving my dad wanted my gf myself and our child to come over and I was taking a stance I didnt want his gf in my life so my child went over with my sister. Later that night my dad comes over we get into a huge fight i tell him where i stand and he leaves PISSED we didnt speak again until June 8,2017. June 8th my life would forever change I had no idea dad was diagnosied with 3 types of cancer. We started talking here and there then on July 7 i was laid off and my dad had a terminal diagnosis and I spent time with him and I watched him day in and day out watching the mental affects of a man who knows he is dying and nothing will help watching him loose 150lbs and his voicr change as he had throat cancer and watching him cry from the pain and the drugs werent helping the pain killers werent helping it was eating him alive literally my dad even did chemo because he just wanted one more christmas. Fast forward to December 20 dad is so fatigued him and i do scratch off tickets spent like $30 bucks won nothing the rooms quiet and he is just in his own head. That night he went to bed and slept until December 24th. Dad hasnt gotten out of bed or woken up. There was a party at my aunts house where he was living because his girlfirned of 16 years kicked him out two months earlier because she “couldnt deal” “it was too much” because she had a liver transplant three years earlier and the new liver was “failing” (shes fine unfortunately) anyway December 25th night hes in bed again and starting to get warm and we call the docotor they said keep an eye on him December 26 the nurse comes over he has a fever organs are failing and for the last time I get on top of dad and wake him for two seconds to tell him I love him and he manages to squeak out in his dry mouth covered in painkillers “i love you too” and he falls asleep. The nurse gets us a hospice order and we go to the place i sign papers saying they wont rescue him if he stops breathing and im aware there is no intervention if something goes wrong.

[jabberjawless-blog]

Mom

My mother has always been a huge part of my life she was the one who i primarily lived with as my parents got divorced when i. Was 8 years old. My mother means well her intentions are in the best place however I have always had trouble connecting with her. It wasnt until recently that someone came into my life and opened my eyes and helped me reslly understand. My mother is a strong independent woman that comes with a high level of opinions and the best way to put it my mom asks questions not to try to understand but when your provide information its immediately followed by opinions and advice opposed to what I seek is someone who attempts to understand my view point. Now i know im wrong a lot and sometimes advice is great but most of the time I just want someone to listen and sure therapy is great but Its never been satisying to me snd most the time I dont talk to my mom about anything and ultimately when she dies i am going to carry such heavy regret. Ultimately my mother is a great person and provides support but when i look into her eyes I see someone who has zero confidence in me. She never vocalizes it but I see it

[jabberjawless-blog]

Well i guess

Things have gotten better in my current situation but ultimately i need to get on this and really follow through on things i start...#life #truth #ugh

[jabberjawless-blog]

Forgiven, i think

Forgivness is a finicky thing. We consistently seek it insincerly by saying sorry and we forgive it just as insincere all the time. When we truly seek it it’s hard to get and harder to get. Most of all we never really forgive ourselves. #guilt #sorrynotsorry #thisislife #truth #therealweight #itsheavy #manohman

[jabberjawless-blog]

I care

I act like nothing bugs me and i feel so isolated at times and so lonely and I hope as you read this you dont feel this way. Ultimately I don’t know you we may never meet, we may never talk but ultimately I care about you, you are strong and i hope you find your happy in this crazy world. #truth #ido #icare #care #notameme

[jabberjawless-blog]

Senior year

My enior year is where my decline happend. I know im skipping a lot here but lets work through it. Beggining of the year my best friend had gone away to college and unknowingly at the time I would not see him for two years. By this point I had a GF for the pst three years and had slept with 9 other women and messed around with a guy ( not proud of any of it). I wronged that poor girl so badly. Of course me being the assholeI am third day of senior year this new girl walks into health case no idea who I am or reputation and I knew I had to talk to her. There was ultimately diffrent. Im lonely than ever the lunch table i sat at where I just didnt fit dispersed and I was 100% alone (dont boo hoo me I did it to myself). A week goes by the new girl isnt in my health class and no idea where she went. One week during spanish class she sat next to me by assigned seating this was my chance. At first she didnt care but started to learn about her and her story. By this time its around December and I have a full time job (by choice) school, a girl friend and an acceptance letter with a full ride scholarship to a college. She starts complaining to me she needs a car but doesn’t have money so dun dun dun I give her the money she needs and becomes interested this was my in. Christmas comes and goes and she invites me over to her house I meet her friends and they are so cool but ultinately people i wouldnt hang with. My gf at the time can feel something change with us and I should have broke it off a while ago and i didnt. Stupid stupid me. By now the new girl and I are hanging out a lot and she knows everything but she didnt seem to care. Not like we were doing anything. On valentines day now and im watching a movie with the new girl and she leans into kiss me and for some reason i felt guilty she was sooo diffrent than others and I just couldnt so i go so close for a kiss but keep less than an inch between us. It was the most exhilerating thing of my life even to date. We kept doing that for a while. We just never touched. Now its April and my school hired me and my “girlfriend” to tutor kids during vacation and she knew i was sneaking around and one day driving in she asks for my phone i tell her i left it at home. Later that day she finds it on me and i refuse to give it and she gets sick while we fight and her and I break up and her mom came to pick her up and as she leaves she says she doesn’t want to break up to which i reply well talk about it (this was the last convo we really had). Me being a douche not even upset text new girl and tell her and she offers to take me out we ended up playing strip padiddle and it got real weird when the cop pulled us over and I was half naked but it was sooo much fun. About a week goes by and new girl and I are hanging and she leans in for a half kiss and she leans in and kisses me I PUKED EVERYWHERE instantly. I attempted to clean it all up and left. We didnt talk for a while. So i see her at school and reconnected this were heating up with her. By this time its graduation day and new girl and I are talking a lot and as we drive to graduation I ask her to be my girlfriend and she said yes! About a month prior to this all I decided to not go to college had nothing to do with her just another story for another time.

[jabberjawless-blog]

Help

I need help I am in a pattern of distructive behavior and keep destroying every type of relationship I have. WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

[jabberjawless-blog]

High school

So all my posts here forward are going to be numbered and named but this one is kind of diffrent. In school I was an A/B student for the most part but I did graduate my foreign language with a 20. Me no hablo gave a crap. To put in bluntly i was only focused on two things friends and girls. Most of high school I ate lunch alone or with a group I didnt fit in with. I completly would say I am weird? Awkward? I’ll put it to you this way I had a boss ask if I was aware how weird I was haha. Yes I am aware but ultimately I am who I am in that regard. I was incredibly edgar to loose my virginity and had “sex” kinda in freshman year with a girl i didn’t love and it felt rushed and it just wasn’t right. I dont regret it but I dont cherish it. I absolutely don’t view sex in a conventional way I suppose but more on that later. My best friend I met on the bus but he was a year ahead of me but I am older than him as I was held back. We instantly hit it off. He was quiet reserved I wouldn’t say intelligent but opinated and liberal. Outdoors bike riding video games that was our thing. My parents both heavily involved in my life and I lived with mom dad was with his girlfriend up the road a ways once again more on them later. I had normal highschool troubles. I’d really say this is where it all began as it probably is for most. Nothing tramatic really happend but everything I did has transformed me into the asshole I am today.

[jabberjawless-blog]

Background

All these posts are in order but to start to give some background I am 28 just turned 28 at the start of 2019 and I am a guy. I feel so numb on so many levels and I am miserable. I hate saying this as I have a good life. I work hard I can put a roof over my head and food on the table but I feel horrible saying it. I can’t even utter the words out loud. When I do all I can think is “how dare I” I guess it’s the Catholic guilt that was instiled upon me as a child. (No i was not an alter boy and every Pedo should be tortured). Anyway i will never say where in the world I am, but I live in a small town in an extremly caucasian place and unable to escape my past.

[jabberjawless-blog]

I am just trying to find a home

Okay so I don’t know what I am doing on any level really. My life has gotten to a place where i just need somewhere to vent and be honest for once. I am always lying for some God forsaken reason and my guilt is piled higher than I could ever imagine. Im literally scared to wite any of this. To keep it light to start and leave this as an introduction i’m not proud of this, i don’t like myself and these posts are safe to say NSFW and only recommended 18 plus but really I dont recommend for anyone.