iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

It’s really hard to look at photos of myself from my first two years of undergrad. I get this almost nauseous, sick feeling of nostalgia, not just for the memories but for the way I looked then. I can’t help but compare, and think I was more beautiful then. I mostly just avoid looking at these photos but it’s such a shame because I have so many lovely memories and times with friends that I’m refusing myself access to because I know seeing myself will upset me. I wish I could heal completely. I wish I could look without feeling.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Self care is fucking brutal sometimes. You can do everything right, talk to people, do fun things, watch fluffy movies, eat good food, and still want to hurt yourself as soon as the distraction leaves. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, why I still feel like this. It feels like there’s something in me that is desperate to fuck things up when my life is going well, like I can’t be happy or content for too long without the goblin in my brain insisting that I’ll feel even better if I bleed a little.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Moved into my new uni accommodation and am finding it very hard to eat normally. I’ve always found it difficult to share a kitchen, and my anxiety is making me avoid it even when I know I should make something to eat.

The maintenance team has also been in and out, fixing my countertop etc, which adds to the social anxiety.

I don’t know how to get the fuck over myself and just use the kitchen, I haven’t eaten properly in 3 days and I’m worried this is going to start me spiralling.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

I’m on holiday and finding it really tough. I don’t know what it is, but something about the way I’m eating here is making the tiny little ED voice scream. I know realistically it’s all fine, I am eating absolutely fine and even if I weren’t it’s okay.

I think I just let one or two thoughts stick around longer than they should today, and it’s made me spiral a bit.

I don’t really know what to do about it though, because the initial thought was just an observational “oh I haven’t eaten much green stuff these last few days”, which I still think is a valid point and something I want to change, as eating more fruits and vegetables makes my mood a lot better than just eating bread and chips and cake. Of course, my brain doesn’t seem to understand that balance exists, and wanting to eat more of one thing doesn’t mean I should not eat at all unless it’s That Thing. Which is where I’m currently stuck.

I’ve had a bit of a cry and a snooze, I will talk to my girlfriend about this and come up with a plan for the next week to eat healthier but also make sure I don’t skip meals. Having someone else keep an eye on me never feels great but I know it’s necessary.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

I have a tummy now. Round and soft and always there. It’s incredibly hard to love most of the time. Three years ago, looking at how I look now would have made me spiral into shame and self-harm and relapse. It’s still hard to look in the mirror most days.

But sometimes I can hold my round little tummy and know that it’s a sign of me enjoying life, of eating what I want and loving food and my friends and my life. My girlfriend holds me and kisses me and tells me I’m beautiful and I know she means all of me, including my fat and my softness and roundness.

I know I will always be in recovery. I know it will likely always be hard. But I also know that I can do it, and that slowly I am becoming more able to genuinely not care that my body has changed, is changing, will change.

I’m still alive. And I’m so grateful.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

My friends made me a goodie box for my birthday and this was one of the items, I’ve just noticed that they put stickers over the calorie info!! 🥺 I’m just so touched by this gesture, I know it wouldn’t mean much to a lot of people but I’ve been really struggling recently and this has just made me tear up to know that my friends are looking out for me and are conscious of the things that I find difficult to deal with

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

My brain is being so brrrrrr so here are some affirmations

Recovery is a choice you have to keep making every day. I’ve been in recovery for more than 2 years, I haven’t actively engaged with my bad thoughts for months, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely forever healed. I have to keep making this choice, to be better, to exist, to take up space, to be okay with my body changing and showing the evidence of a life well lived.

Having bad thoughts is okay. I’m not going to let them rule my life. I made the choice to get better, I put weeks and months and years of work in to being better and happier and more alive. I’m more in control now than I ever was then.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

It’s getting really really hard again

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

i don't know who needs to hear this, but you're allowed to gain weight in your twenties. you are a grown ass adult now. your body can and should not be the same as it was at seventeen. allow it to grow along with you <3

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

I was a child then, I’m a woman now. I’m not supposed to be the same size. It’s okay.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Been having a hard time recently with my body image. I’m trying to use body neutrality and reassure myself that my body is just a normal body doing normal body things. It doesn’t matter that I’m bigger now. It’s actually a really good thing, cos it means I’m stronger and curvier and I finally look like a WOMAN and not like a sickly girl. I don’t have to love my body all the time for it to be okay.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

the world becomes so much more beautiful when you stop spending your precious mental energy on obsessing over your body, your appearance, and food. i promise.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Pretty girls and handsome boys don't skip meals~

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Dear body, I'm sorry for all the harm I've put you through. I'm sorry for not caring for you as I should have and for taking for granted how you carry me through life.

I'm sorry I never thought you were good enough.

Dear body, you are good. You are enough.

I (will learn to) love you.

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

I hate how much I rely on other people for my healthy habits

I've been eating meals with at least one other person every day since getting back to uni, and as soon as it looks like someone might not be available to eat with me my mind tries to revert to the "skipping meals" state

I just want to be able to develop my own healthy habits without leaning on my friends

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

Why is it so much effort to make food

The idea of walking 10 seconds to the kitchen and waiting for a pot of pasta to cook sounds exhausting

But I want to get work done and I know I'll have no energy if I start not eating again

[iwasntborntobe-a-skeleton]

there are like five rules to life and those rules are

1. eat 3 meals a day & keep a snack on u

2. always have a non alcoholic drink with you

3. never trust anything you think about your life after 8-9pm

4. do a little something for urself every day

5. interact with a Beast at least once a day (human, feline, canine, lizard, bird, etc)

and the secret 6th rule:

6. if you can't do all of those rules, just do the ones you can