iwannabeskiinniiii

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

Hello🤠 I’ve been fine for some time. I guess I kind of didn’t follow my oen diet sinne I posted and tbh I do not know if I want this eating behavior. Like I love, LOVE to see the number on the scale drop and how how loose some chloths fit, but I know I hurt my bf with what I do to myself.

I've also made a choice to not track my calories strict during the summer, I accually havent trackt anything since start of May I think. I just feel like my summer overall will be better if I don't track cal. Then I'll hopefully start inte September or Octber, however then I'ts going to be much harder 'cause I'm moving to a flat with my boyfriend.

I wouldn't say thing summer thing that I'm doing is a recovery of ant kind, I just don't want to have panicattacks and also try if I CAN lose weight without counting, like testing if I really know how to eat.

And a very fun thing that happend two days ago🥁I FIT INTO MY GRAD-DRESS. When I got it some munths ago I couldn't zip it all the way, and now I CAN!!! I am so so so happy!!! It does still fit quite snug, but if I just continue to eat "healthy" and not loads of junk I think it'll fit nice.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

I feel like shit

Ok so I know I am making a drastic move right now. I am so fucking tired of being fat, being the fat friend, being the fat girlfriend, and being fat in general!! I had a craving for dark chocolate today and I know I am above my calories already. So, my "new" diet rule thing is that I'm not allowed to eat ANYTHING if it's not in front of people. I still need to eat "under" my calories but those calories need to be eaten in front of people, if I am alone I do not have permission to eat.

I know it sounds harsh but I just miss pushing myself to the limit and beyond that. I miss how I felt. I just want to be skinny for once.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

Weight update and how I feel

So I've been tracking my calories, dieting and measuring myself almost every day since Feb 6th. Then I weighed 77,5kg and precisely one month later I weight 71,9kg. That's like 5,5kg (about 11 lbs). I feel very proud of myself and I am happy that I made the decision on going back to my ED. I just missed not eating and seeing the numbers on the scale get lower. However, I do not hate myself if I weigh a bit more one day. I KNOW all that weight is not fat, it's most likely water and the food in my stomach. And remember, the scale only tells you what something weighs, whether you have some water weight or not. Your weight will fluctuate, especially if you have a menstrual cycle you will feel different ways during that time and your body will hold onto more or less water.

I am also entering the second week of A.I.T. I feel great so far. During the weekend I didn't go over my calories, the only negative is that my energy drains fast. Saturday and Sunday I felt so tired and almost sleepy like I needed a nap. Yesterday I did a cardio test to see how good my cardio is. The test is that you run 2,4km as fast as you can and then calculate sort of. I have a goal that in 10 weeks I will run this in 12 minutes, yesterday I did it in 14.34 minutes.

I guess that was my update. I feel kind of safe here and "welcome" to open up about my relationship with food and my weight. I do not really feel like talking about that with my friends or my boyfriend. Just when I relapsed I talked to him but I know he has a history with it and I do not want to be the reason IF he falls back into that. I know he's healthy and wouldn't do that, but you IF. I also do not want to talk about it to my friends because I feel like they've already dealt with me and my ED before.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

First and second day on A.I.T. ✅

Hello! I just wanted to update some on how things are kind of. Yesterday was the first day of A.I.T. and it went fairly well, I ate 844kcal so just under the goal for the day. However, it got a bit challenging in the evening because I wanted something that would fill those last calories. I decided to have eggwhite and a carrot, but then I sort of got an ick for the eggwhite that I cooked. So I ended up throwing it in my toilet, the first time in many many years I've done such a thing.

Today was better though. It's still around three hours until I'll go to bed and I've already eaten my 800kcal. Dinner was a real protein and fat-loaded meal. I had smoked salmon (which alone was 280kcal) that I tossed with some vegetables and put onto two corncakes. They are kind of like rice cakes but made out of corn. It was very filling and tasted good as well. Later tonight I think I'm just going to drink tea or water. Tomorrow my calories are 750 and I'm thinking about making a vegetable sope for dinner.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

Update:) and diet plans

Hi, I know I haven't posted anything in like a week. I've been at my boyfriend's so it's been quite hard to stick to my calories but I only ate over my calories this Saturday and Sunday. From Feb 6th when I started my relapse "for real" my diet's been one that I've made myself. Starting at 1500 and then going lower over time. From the beginning, I planned to do this sort of like the A.I.T. diet, go lower 50kcal every day and then go up again. I did that for the first week but since the 13th I've gone 50kcal lower every day and not up. Except for this weekend, I wanted to give myself 1000 kcal each day just for good measure.

Today I'm starting the A.I.T. diet :) This will keep me on track until march 26th and the 27th I start the ABC diet. When I'm "done" with that I'll start an extreme diet for 12 days, it's 2 days fasting and then 500kcal.

After that I won't have a diet really, just my "self-made" one I think. At least until july 3rd because then I will do the A.I.T. diet again. And before I do the ABC diet again (starting august 12th) I'll do the exteme diet agian.

Also right now I have a really good thing to keep me motivated, keep going and sticking to my plan. I got my graduation dress and two prom dresses that I ordered. However, they're all a bit snug and the grad dress can't even zip atm. And just some weight check-in. On Feb 1st my weight was 77,7kg and today it was 74,5kg so I've lost 3,2kg!!!!

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

My safe foods/meals

Yesterday I shared my ”go-to” dinner/the dinner I’ve been eating all week. I think it’s pretty common for people with an ed to eat the same things day in and day out. With the meals I eat rn I still have some kcal luft for a snack in the evning.

My breakfast is oatmeal with protein yoghurt, scramble egg with cheese and ketchup. Also coffee with unsweetend almond milk and a slice of cheese. And of I remember, I try to drink 500ml water before to feel more full. But if I don’t remember I’ll just have it with my meal. This keeps me full for almost 4h and is just under 300kcal

My lunch for the last two weeks has been the same aswell. I have some cheese and a meal supplement shake (modifast). It’s not very filling and quite high i calories for the amout of food. I also try to drink 500ml water with this to keep me somewhat more full. Total it’s about 265kcal

As I posted yesterday, my dinner is a salad. That keeps me very full and its just under 300kcal just as my breakfast. So in total for the whole day it’s around 850kcal. Depending on how many kcal I eat that day I eat the rest in the evning. I try to keep it high in protein and filling.

I also try to drink 3000ml of water every day and I walk 10 000 steps.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

Dinner idea

Ok, so this is atm my "go-to" dinner/lunch. It's a taco-inspired salad. I use lettuce, tomato, bell pepper, corn and cucumber. For protein, I use vegetarian minced meat and I "top" the salad with cheese and a spicy dressing. A quite filling (and big) portion and only 280 kcal

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

Thinspo

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

My relaps kind of

My weight at feb 1 was 77,7kg and I think that sort of started my relaps. I hated the way I looked so I made a plan/diet. I started the diet on feb 6 and eating 1500 kcal. Then going 50kcal lower each day and then going up again (M 1500 -> Tu 1450 -> W1400 -> Th 1350 -> F 1400 -> Sat 1450 -> Sun 1500).

However during the weekend I sort of had a binge/I didn't count. It made me feel really bad about myself. So I started this week with eating 1400kcal, however now, I only go 50kcal lower each day and on the 27th I'll start the ana in training diet.

When I am done with this diet I am going to do the ABC diet and that'll last me until may 15th. Hopefully I'm skinnier and fit into my promdress. I got it in a size 40, but I think a size 42 would fit me better. Hopefully it'll keep me motivated to not binge and to keep going. I'm so tired of being overweight and fat.

[iwannabeskiinniiii]

About me/this blog

I am 19, born in 2004

This blog can be/is triggering

I support recovery

I've been on and off with my ed for many years

My start weight/highest weight is 90kg

My current weight is 76kg (15 feb 2023)

My goal weight atm is 50kg but maybe 48kg