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itsyaboikeeen · 4 years ago

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Closure: The Story of My First Love

Ten years.

After 10 long years, I finally had my closure

I guess no one really knew the who, when, where, why and how of my first love.

Who was she?

When did it happen?

Where did I meet her?

How did I fall in love with her?

Why didn’t we work?

This will probably be a long read, so you might as well sit down in a comfortable place when you read this.

I guess, I should probably start from the beginning of my story.

I met my first love when I was on 5th grade. Funny, right?

"How can you say that you fell in love already at that age?", you might say.

She was just a transferee from who knows where. At that time, I never knew that she'd be one of my first and most painful heartbreak. I was so... innocent.

As THE friendly student, I always tried to be close with everybody. And surprisingly, when I met her, we got along really well.

She was such a crybaby, as far as I can remember. But, when she cries or when she gets mad, everybody shuts up and listens to her. Badass.

You see, I was raised strictly by my parents. I always had to focus on my studies, even after class. I rarely slacked off at home. I was always serious about examinations and studying.

But, when I met her, I learned how to loosen up. She made me see things in a way that I've never seen that way before. She made me appreciate all these little things, around me. She made me realize a lot of things. When I'm with her, I felt like I was myself the most. It was fun, having her around. She was always at my back, observing. She was the Hinata to this Naruto. LOL.

It was by the end of the 5th grade when I 'accidentally' knew she had a crush on me. I was visiting a friend of mine at lunchtime when I heard someone arguing at the visitor's area. When I went inside, I saw her infront of one of her friends, confessing that she has feelings for me. Her friend was teasing her and she was tearing up already. Right then and there, our eyes met, and she immediately cried, shouted and ran away from us. It was so funny... and cute at the same time; I thought.

No one has ever had a crush on me. Not ever. Or at least, told me they did. I always thought there were better... more good-looking guys than me. Why the hell would she ever had a crush on me? At that time, I was very blind and in denial.

After that event, everything became awkward between us. We rarely talked with each other. She always avoided me whenever I tried to talk with her. It was cute. Very cute.

It was not until the 6th grade when we started texting with each other. We talked, and talked. For hours. Every night. I remember using my mom's phone to text with her so I had to be sneaky as fuck.

I think my mom had an idea, because at one point, she caught a flirt-y-ish text she sent. She asked me later if I have a crush on someone from my class. I straight up denied my feelings and told her I wasn't 'crushing' on anybody.

Maybe I was scared. Until now, maybe I'm still a scaredy-cat. I never had the guts to tell my mom that time that I had a crush on someone, mainly because I thought of it as a distraction to my studies.

And still, after graduation, I asked her out.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

This boi rushing.

So, guess what happened?

She laughed.

She just... laughed. And completely changed the topic. But, I never gave up. She said she wasn't ready for that. So, I made a promise with her. Cheesy as it may be, I told her my heart will always be hers. I even went as far as telling her, 10 years from that day... if she's still single, I would marry her.

Have you ever had that feeling? That rush. That strong beat from your heart, shouting: I want to be with her. So bad. I want to be there when she laughs. Or when she cries. I want to see her happy every time.

Is this what having 'butterflies in your stomach?' felt, I asked myself.

I was at the edge of the cliff... ready to fall. Ready to fall in love. But, she held me back. She pushed me back, rolling down the hill, and into a deep, dark, and cold sea. Eventually, things got cold between us. We entered high school, trying to forget what he had.

Fast forward to first-year high school. She and I were in the same class. There were a lot of amazing transferees, competing to be top of the class. Typical Asian setting.

The pressure to be at the top was immense since majority of the students who were in that class were elementary achievers. Valedictorians, salutatorians, and honor students. I was very occupied that year.

Throughout that year, she had a "friendly" relationship with this guy who I think had a crush on her. I could smell his intentions, reeking from his enormous nose. I'm sorry dude, if you are reading this. Hahaha. But I doubt that.

I was really jealous of him. She was blind about it.

He held her hands all the time, even when they're next to each other in class. She leaned on him, whenever she took a nap. They hangout after class before they go home. Go to recess together. They might as well kiss when they see each other first thing in the morning.

*sighs*

I think I did confront her about it, but we only ended up fighting. I convinced myself I was just terribly infatuated with her. The year ended, and the guy she was with left our school for personal reasons. I didn't care.

Summer 2013. I got a text from her. She was going to see her mom for a long time. We started texting each other again. It was only a matter of days when I found myself, falling for her again. You fragile motherfucker.

My shield was up. I'm clothed with armor. And she freaking drops good morning and good nights like freaking nuclear bombs.

Up until now, I've kept all of her texts in my old Nokia phone, that I can't charge anymore. I should probably get that deleted.

I saw her pictures online that summer. She looked so happy. She was an angel.

An angel of death, I mean.

I was so excited to see her on the first day of class.

I felt like my heart would burst the moment I see her.

*Kriiiiing kriiiiing*

The school bell rang. But, she didn’t show up that morning. I can overhear her close friends asking each other where she was. Maybe she didn't plan to go to school today, or maybe she wasn’t still here. I thought.

The morning classes continued that day and I couldn't help myself but think about her. I almost gave up from thinking about her when one of our classmates shouted.

Our classmate was looking at our school gate, screaming her name. She was late. Verrrrrrrrrrry late.

Everyone in our class stood up and looked outside the window. She was running across our school court towards the room. And when she entered the room, her friends came running towards her. Her best friend gave her a solid hug. I think she gave each and every close friend of hers a hug. She greeted everyone... except me.

Heh.

She didn't even look me in they freaking eye. I... couldn't approach her. The teacher tried to take control of the class, and our class resumed.

I think it was days after that, before we started talking again. But, it was just casual talk. Dull. Very dull. "Isang tanong, isang sagot" [One question, one answer], as we call it here in the Philippines.

I was so frustrated. I couldn't understand her.

Whyyy? I mean... whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???

I think it was three or four months after that when I learned that she was going out with someone, again. This time, she was going out with the cousin of the guy she called her "guy bestfriend" from first year. He was in our class, too.

This time, their relationship was very discreet. Everyone in our class knew. It was like a big slap in my face. I was beyond creepy at that time. I lowkey look at them sometimes when no one's watching me. Getting more jealous each passing time.

I was already thinking dozen of ways how to kill that guy. I was filled with... rage. I even fought the guy, over her. Now that I'm thinking of it, it was quite hilarious. I kept on telling the guy that she and I were in love with each other, but then he argued if we were really into each other, then why was she with him? And I... didn't know the answer, too. I stepped back. At that point, I asked myself.

Do I really look like just a rebound to her? Maybe I am.

Was she just using me? Maybe she was.

I was so confused. I thought we had something. Right then and there, I decided to give up. And move on.

Months later, they broke up. I didn't bother knowing why.

My friends kept on telling me to move on.

"Babae lang yan." (It's just a girl), they said.

But, she wasn't JUST a girl to me.

To me, she was indispensible.

Irreplaceable.

She was one of a kind.

I fear that I may never be able to find someone like her.

But, I had to. I had to start moving on.

The school year ended. We barely talked with each other. The only time we had interaction were during group works. And we had to be 'professional' about it. I was. And she was, too.

There were times when we had to do a stage plays. We often played as a broken married couple. There would always be a scene where we would fight each other. Typical husband-abuses-wife scene. She would cry. She was great at that. Convincing. It seemed like it was almost true when she cried. Everyone got swayed by her acting. And then, she would slap me. Really hard.

As an actor, of course, I had to be professional about it. But damn. Her slap stinged. It was as if it was filled with sadness... and anger. And I liked it.

Don't think weirdly about it. Haha. I didn't like-like it cause I was masochistic.

I liked it cause it was less painful.

It was less painful than what I was feeling deep inside. At least with her hand on my face, even for just a millisecond, I felt a response from her. She never replies or replied to my texts that year the way she did years ago.

You see, a slap in a face would sting. A strong slap in the face would make your head numb for seconds. But her slap... her slaps made my numb heart beat.

We completely ignored each other throughout 3rd year. Hell, I couldn't even remember a single memory of her that year. We never interacted beyond necessary.

Whenever I heard her name, it rings through my ear and into my heart, then pierces it like needles for acupunctures. And trust me, it wasn't therapeutic.

Summer 2014. Our high school life was nearing to an end. It was during this time when I started to reflect on the things I did during my high school year. And one of the things that I would say I wanted to resolve was my messy ‘relationship’ with her.

So... I started texting her again. I called sometimes. And, we talked about it. I even remember a time when my cousin caught me crying in their bedroom cause we were confessing and all that romantic shit. I looked like shit, I think.

I re-confessed my feelings for her. She reciprocated. And that time, I asked her... again. The same question I asked her 4 years ago to that day.

"Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

Guess what?

She laughed.

And then... she said yes.

My heart skyrocketed.

I couldn't comprehend what she just said. I feel like I was the luckiest guy in the world at that time. But, you'll probably get mad at me because of what you'll be hearing next.

After one week, I broke up with her.

Until to this day, I still didn't understand myself why I did it.

Was I trying to play her? No.

Was it because the thrill of the chase was over? No.

Was it because I wanted to hurt her? Maybe.

I couldn't explain myself. I kept on excusing myself with questions like: "Was everything worth it?" "Is she serious about this?" "What if everyone knew?"

Was I scared? Yes.

Did I think things through before doing it? Maybe not.

But, it is what it is. Of course, she got mad. I broke up with her two weeks before classes started. Unfortunately, we got separated into different classes on our senior year. And on one occassion, we confronted each other and said face-to-face that we didn't have feelings with each other anymore. But, I lied.

Seeing her rarely helped me forget about her every now and then. I eventually learned that a lot of guys were courting her, but I barely cared anymore.

Barely.

Seeing her, after I took a step back, it made me realize what a fool I am for letting her go.

Well, her friends did tell me to distance myself from her, if I couldn't commit. So I did. I think I wasn't ready for commitment that time. I was too preoccupied. Maybe I didn't want to be with anyone that time. I don't know. But I was an asshole for popping that question if I was that unsure.

Graduation day, her mom came back from Canada. I learned that she was going to be visiting Canada soon. And by visiting, she was going to take a VERY long vacation.

So, on the day of my birthday, I invited all of my classmates to my grandma's house to celebrate my graduation, too. I wanted her to come.

Almost all of my friends and classmates went, but she didn't show up.

It was nearly 7 ‘o clock in the evening. I called her. She said her mom was preparing for them to leave already and that she was busy.

She hung up on me.

I had no choice. I had the courage and audacity to call her mom, and invite her to come. I really wanted to see her.

(The reason why I have contact with her mom is a long story. But, we were close. I think. Hahahaha.)

Past 7PM, they showed up. Her parents met my mom and my family. And then, we left the scene to the rooftop.

My little cousins were playing around us. Observing. Meddling. They were curious who she was. I never brought any girl to our house before. And no girl has every visited our house past 7PM.

We ate supper. It was almost romantic, if only my cousing weren't there.

Eventually, they left us.

She was silent. I was, too. The lights were dim that night, but her face glimmered below the starry sky night. It was a very good night. I didn't see any clouds. I was so nervous.

This was the first time I was ever with her... alone, and no one watching.

Just the two of us.

I didn't know who would make the first move? I thought of talking, but I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what to say. I just looked at her, and she looked at me.

Right before I was about to start talking, my mom called us. They told me they need to leave already. I didn't get the chance to talk with her. Or even talk things properly.

They left that night, with me... hanging again... on a forgotten promise.

A year later, I was in college already. And we still talked with each other when she went to Canada. I kept asking her when is she coming back. She always lied about it. She never went back.

Throughout college, I still dreamt of her sometimes. Wishing she was back. But, I eventually forgot about her. There were a lot of times when she and I had "withdrawals".

Sometimes, I would tell her I miss her, and then she would leave me on seen. There are other times when she asked me if we still had a chance. And sometimes, we end up wondering on each other’s ‘what ifs’.

We couldn't seem to end our relationship.

Who knows? Maybe it was still possible.

But, she really broke me. She messed me up. I find it hard to find someone new, because I always assume that things would end up the same. Sometimes, I think I'll never love the same way again.

Two months ago to this date, I was really having a bad day. A bad week, even. Or maybe a bad month. This corona thing messed up my plans for the year. I mean, cmon... it messed up everything for us.

So, I was back in my apartment, resting... all alone. My roommate has gone home to our province, and I was spending my time alone. She messaged me on Facebook. I was pleasantly surprised. And I immediately told her, I wanted to video call her. Surprisingly, she said yes. It was midnight where she lived and it the sun was high here.

I called and she answered. She didn't look like what she looked like before. It was a very long call. We talked for hours, reminiscing about our relationship. What I did wrong. What she did wrong. What she really felt. What I felt about it. I even played her a song. Some of it were our favorites:

'Simpleng Tao' by Gloc 9

'We Could Happen' by AJ Rafael

'Girl Running Around In My Dreams' by Tyrone Wells;

and many more.

I had fun talking with her.

In the end, we talked about what mattered the most that time. Accepting that we have held onto something that can never happen anymore. At least at the moment. We decided to stay friends now, and I talk to her every now and then.

Looking back, I can say I learned a lot from that 'relationship'. And it's something that I wouldn't forget even to my death bed. I hurt her a lot. What we talked about for the rest of that day shall remain a secret for me and her.

If there's one thing I learned that I would like to share it would be:

“If you feel like you saw that special someone already, don't be afraid and seize the moment. Don't waste another time of yours of not being with that special someone.”

If you're still reading this to this point, thank you for listening to my story. You probably had a lot of time to kill. Well, I wrote this for myself anyway so I can look back at something in the future.

There were probably a lot of details I missed from the whole story. This was just my story, after all.

#love #story

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