itsreallyjustapersonalaccount

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

I was raped in 2020 by my partner at the time. I've never told anyone. I've never even written it down until now. I thought the nightmares would be gone by now..

Now I'm married to someone else, someone who is wonderful and nothing like the last. Someone I adore, without a negative or cruel bone in his body. The most supportive person I've ever met.

I've never told him, or anyone, what happened. I don't think I could get the words out even if I tried.

I thought the nightmares and intrusive thoughts would be gone by now. They're still here. Stronger since the recent antidepressant hiatus. Man do I just feel so much pain. I'm going to need to address this somehow if it goes on any longer.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

Nobody is reading or has ever read this old blog of mine, probably for the best.

I haven't posted since early 2021, we are now in late 2022.

I am well, most importantly, I am happy.

Happily engaged to someone who's shown me what life with a partner should truly be. I adore everything about him.

I am still haunted by the nightmares. They have never stopped, never for more than a week or two. I don't think I'll ever be able to escape them. I realized more and more trauma I faced in the years I was active on here. Something I will forever be working through.

There's things I've told no one, never even typed out. Not on this blog, or any blog, or journal. Those memories live in the nightmares. Maybe I'll make a post someday.

I have been living these last few years, more than my past self ever thought possible. I have come far, I have more to go, but here, I am happy.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

I was in an abusive relationship.

I can see clearly now the manipulation is gone.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

2020:my year in review

I started writing this on new years but I never finished it. It's too long. There's too much. I'll post what I have and maybe one day I'll finish it, or write a book.

December 2019

The hell of 2020 was prefaced in the last 3 days of December. This is where my true descent begun.

27

We spent all break telling reach other how we loved each other so much, and you're the best, sexting, almost an unhealthy amount of sexting, and fucking in my car. I walked into the apartment with everything of mine gone. Everything, it looked like i didn't live there. My/our pictures were all gone. My bathroom said was hidden away. My shoes were pushed to the way back of the closet. I walked into the bedroom, woke you up, and asked why. I was told that E was having girl problems and breaking up with his girlfriend so you didn't want to make him feel even more depressed. I said okay and didn't believe a word.

30

After eating me up, I finally asked for the real truth. You lied. You had a girl over. You betrayed me. It was a date. She sat with my blanket, on my couch, hit my bong. You told me she was a friend of N and you weren't thinking and just felt so depressed and lonely. You cried. I cried more.

January 2020

1

I spent new years alone. I drank fireball and bawled my eyes out. I rang in the new year with nothing but unimaginable pain. I didn't think it could be worse, so niave I didn't leave the couch for over a week. You apologized constantly. Cried, missed the spark in my eyes, said the I love you didn't feel the same, and just felt so horrible about it. You didn't sleep together, nothing happened, it was just awkward. You fucked up.

I forgave you. Pushed it to the back of my mind. Had nightmares every night, but tried my damnedest to keep going and work through this. I loved you too much to give up.

6

The furthest I had ever been from home, to the sunny skies of florida. I went with you and our friend. I saw the ocean for the first time. I felt happy, happier than id been in 3 months, despite everything. It was amazing. I think this was the last time I felt real happiness.

13

We had a rough flight home. We gave up our seats, spent another 12 hours in mpls. You got sicker and sicker. I tried to keep ibuprofen and tylonel in you to keep the pain low. I paid for 3 Ubers to get you to urgent care, helped you with meds. I took care of you. Our flight is delayed but we finally land at home at 3 am. I took you to the er at 5. I took care of you there too, tried to comfort you while they took blood. I picked up your meds at 8am. It wasn't until 7 am when I recieved 2 screenshots of a bumble profile that was undeniably yours. You told me you used bumble business, had no idea why you would be on the relationships tab. You lied. She wasn't N's friend. She was a girl you meet on bumble. And girl you messaged, you sexted over break on bumble. You left Christmas Eve because you were depressed to go sexy this girl and sext me afterwards. You sought it out. You broke my heart for the second time, but definitely not the last. I didn't leave the couch for months. I didn't talk to you. I didn't do anything. My heart broke, my love betrayed. After weeks you texted me that I need to start trying to get the relationship back on track, that you can't begin to fix your mistakes if I don't let you. I don't even know if I actually forgave. I don't know if I believe the full story to this day. This broke me.

February

1

Our 4 year anniversary. I spent it alone. I never did recieve my gift.

14

I spent it alone again. Alone and sad.

20

I got the tattoo I have been dreaming of for years. I designed it, my own art on my body. I say for 3 hours for the outline and loved it. It was perfect. You even said you liked the dedign, I wrote it in sharpie for a week to be positive and then I was even more confident in my decision. It was perfect.

25

My birthday. The worst birthday. It started when I got messages from you in the morning about how much you hated the tattoo. Said you couldn't even look at me, how you wished I'd listened when you said no. You never said no. You told me you said no but agreed so I wouldn't be upset with you saying no. I should have known what you meant. You took me fory bday dinner. It was tense and uncomfortable. When we got home the true fight begun. I was told that 50% of why you love me is my body, and I ruined it. I ruined myself, my perfect white skin. I made myself ugly, a huge big black mark you can't even bear the look at. It was a skid mark. It makes you sick when you see it. You can't look as I take my shirt off. It was disgusting. It made me disgusting. My most prominent memory of my 20th birthday is crying in my car.

March

I cancelled my tattoo appointment scheduled for the 15th for you. You were going to "just have to get used to it". You felt bad for what you said, but it was still my fault. I cancelled the shading appointment. You were going to have to get used to the deadline and then MAYBE in a few years I could think about color, even if I never wanted color. You really just want it removed.

13

Covid hit. Just the beginning of a longer issue. I had no idea what was about to be thrown on top of my already disastrous life.

20

Just sad. Disgusted with my body again, after growing in love with how I look and accepting myself. All destroyed. Logged into our twitter account, found you messaging porn accounts for pictures and videos. Just adding more to the pile

April

This was the worst one. After a fun night with you, when I was sitting on the couch, fucked up while you laid drink on the bathroom floor, the famillar feeling got my stomach of something wrong. I did something I'd come to regret. I went thru your phone. I didn't like what I found. I found that a girl, who I was previously told was annoying and would send snapchat to you every so often, that you would ignore and open later, was someone who you had been cheating with since summer 2018. You sent pictures of lingerie. Talked about plans to fuck. Told her how much you loved her, told her how much she meant to you. How you only wanted her. She was the one. You manipulated her too. She didn't know I existed. When she got a boyfriend, you sent may messages about how it broke you. You texted her about how much you missed her while I'm Canada, while fucking me. That trip is ruined in my memories. You tried to meet up and fuck over spring break, all while being a dick to me. You sent horrible messages, mean manipulative messages when the time didn't work out for her. I got mad. You broke a heart that I thought didn't have anything left to break. The last messages you sent was in February. I broke. I didn't leave the couch. Empty. But I took. You. Back. I shouldn't have.

May

The Summer's mostly a blur. You were upset at me for taking an emt class, pissed about it. You told me you get better. You told me you'd change. How dumb I was for believing you. How blind love can make you.

My professor was wrongfully fired from the department. Something I was actively involved in fighting. You didn't care about it, wouldn't let me even talk about it.

June

I didn't trust you. I haven't trusted you. You supposed caring. I looked into changing my life, switching my major nose that my professor has been removed. You didn't care. You wouldn't let me talk about it, my big life decision shouldn't involve you. You make decisions by yourself and don't tell anyone, so why can't I do it. Figure it out. I made that decision by myself.

I can't talk about my day, I can't talk about my life. I can't open my mouth. Im called stupid, no common sense. I need to not be so stupid. You'd stop calling me stupid of I learned to stop saying stupid things, along dumb questions. Im walking on eggshells with you. I never know what boyfriend I'll get. It didn't matter, neither of them cared.

I need to get over my issues. I need to learn to let go, to just trust you again. I can't keep interrogating you, being on your back, I have to let you live your life and get over it. You switched for phone passcode. When I told you to work on proving trust, you told me you have been, but you haven't. Good forbid I say that, I'm blind and hung up on the past, I need to get over it. I need to work on earning my trust back. I lost that apparently. I should have never gone through my phone. You can't trust me to not be crazy. Your scared I'll just show up somewhere where you are. I'll follow you around. I'll go crazy girlfriend. I guess I broke trust and need to work on earning it back, somehow. I am at fault.

Don't cry. Don't show emotion. Crying is annoying, take something and go to bed. Shut up, get over it. You won't be my therapist, you won't have anything to do with it. You don't cry, I need to learn how to handle myself, make myself happy, and I need to stop having anxiety attacks. Take the goddamn pill. You're tired.

July

14

You buy a second car that I'm dreaming to get. Expect me to be excited. Driving your money in my face, didn't even offer it to me to buy. There's too much profit elsewhere, unless I wanted to pay that price.

17

My wisdom teeth surgery. It's been scheduled for a month. You promised me you'd be the one to pick me up and do everything after surgery. This was not a surprise. Yet, the night before you were so pissed off that I tried to find someone else to take me, but there was no one.

The morning of youre pissed at the inconvenience if waking up at 10am. You drop me off, and get angry when I can't just call you when I'm done. I guess you don't realize that people are like after wisdom teeth removal. Im upset with this. I get through surgery, walked to the car. Get sat down, thank God they kept me inside as long as they did, I can't even imagine how you would have reacted when I was that loopy. You get home and after immediately pissed that I ask you to go pick up my prescriptions, you have a haircut. Through my limited function, I tell you to drop them off, get your haircut, then come back and pick them up. Can my boss to tell her what I want, because good knows you won't relay a message. When you get back, you tell me you're leaving, youve already missed 2 meetings because of this, lost the chance at a job because of this. You can't waste anymore time, you have money on the line. You can't just sit here with me. Im on the phone with my mom begging you to stay when I start throwing up in the bathroom. You leave, say the doctor said nausea was normal. When you come back in a minute later, and I'm laying on the bathroom floor, crying, my mom on speakerphone, you tell me you absolutely can't stay, you've wasted enough time. My mom pleaded with you to stay. I got out of surgery a half hour ago, I need someone with me. You slam the door in my face.

I cried. I paid $12 for a $1 wendy's frosty delivered because I can't eat anything else. You show back up hours later and repeat what you've already said. I come to find out your huge financial risk that was more important than your post surgery girlfriend, was polishing your new car in time for a photoshoot. A photoshoot for the auction photos. You leave me crying, vomitting, looped up, 30 minutes past surgery to polish your car. Im a waste of time.

I almost dumped you that weekend. I wish I would have.

August

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

I thought I was okay and moving on and then I saw you today.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

For December 29, 2020

For when you feel like you can't do it

For when you feel like changing your mind

Kaitlyn, this is going to be possibly the hardest thing you ever do. This is going to hurt. This is going to hurt really really bad.

Remember that going through so much pain now means that you'll heal and have a happier future sooner. Remember that you'll save yourself prolonged suffering.

Remember why you're doing this. Remember this year. Remember every single moment where he hurt you, ripped your soul out. Remember the box. Remember the names. Remember the feelings. Remember the hits on your character and self esteem. Remember the selfishness. Remember the eggshells. Remember the cheating. Remember it all.

Above all else, remember you deserve better. Remember what you want. Remember who you are. Remember your worth kaitlyn. Remember all the disrespect. Remember it.

Think about what you want. Imagine no anxiety. Imagine not feeling stupid. Imagine feeling loved. Imagine feeling comfortable. Imagine being accepted.

Do it for you. Do it for future you. Do it for 1 year ago you. Do it for yourself, and your choices. Do it for Ellie, for your family, your friends. Above all else, do it for your 14 year old self. She deserves better, this isnt what she imagined for you. Do it for you.

It will hurt, it will hurt like hell. That's okay. Let it hurt. Let it rip into you, let yourself feel it. Because facing it now will help you heal. Welcome those feelings, know they're coming. Just don't let them take over. It's okay to be not okay. This is okay. You're strong enough to take it.

You have so many friends and so much support. Know that you are making the right decision, and do not feel sorry for not making it sooner. Everything will be okay. I promise you this.

Please do this for you. Please, no more pain.

Love, Kaitlyn.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

2020 has stolen every ounce of happiness I had

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

I understand the issue I understand how you feel and I understand why. What I don't understand is if you feel like you can't say no, why do you keep saying no?

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

Even with your one last chance, I don't think it's going to get any better

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

You want to know why?

.

Because i was cheated on for 2 years.

Because i was cheated on a second time after that.

Because i was lied to about it more than once.

Because i was called disgusting.

Because i was told i ruined myself.

Because i was left on the floor 30 minutes post surgery.

Because i had the door slammed in my face when i needed you most.

Because i was told i was a waste of time.

Because i was told you can't pretend to care about whats going on in my life.

Because i was told you wouldnt be so mean if i had some common sense.

Because i deserve to be happy.

.

Thats why.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

You have no reason to be mad at me. You broke my heart.

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

It has to end

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

I have to leave

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

Tonight

I'm not going to change this is as good as it gets

I take everyone down with me so someone will leave and I'll have a reason to kill myself

I did have a moment of clarity, but mostly that breakdown was for if you left I knew I'd have to kill myself.

What's the point in getting better it's not going to happen

I'm not interested in fixing myself

I don't think I'll fix this relationship either

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

*yells at me*

"Are you gonna be moppy all night?"

"you just yelled at me"

"dont say something so stupid"

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

How the fuck did my life get to this point?

[itsreallyjustapersonalaccount]

A letter to my future self.

Please read this the next time things go bad.

Dear Kaitlyn,

Leave. This is past Kaitlyn, october 29th 2020 Kaitlyn. I'm the voice in the back of your head screaming right now. Leave, cut your losses. It's going to hurt but goddamn you can't live like this anymore. It's been a YEAR. YEAR. It's never going to get better now. It's WORSE now than 1 year ago. If he wanted to change he would have by now. Just start getting over him. You'll be much happier without him. Who cares about technicalities, you'll figure it out, just GET OUT. Be happy, you'd be happy by now if youd have left last time. That's me now, regretting. Just leave, or you'll be in this exact same position. How many times have you tried to leave. He's been out of chances for a long time. Please please get out I promise it can't be worse than now. You deserve so much better than a lying angry cheater who gaslights and abuses you. You deserve so much better. Read through this blog kaitlyn. See what you've gone through. If he was going to work on himself he would have by now it's been a YEAR with no, even negative progress. I'm sorry it's going to hurt but you're going to come out so much stronger and HAPPIER. This is you talking kaitlyn, don't listen to the manipulated side of you, listen to me. Get out before you dig too deep to get out, please, do it for you and your happiness.

Love,

Your past self.

P.s. I'm afraid you'll read this and won't listen, I almost know you won't. I know me better than anyone. Please listen, that voice can't scream much longer. Remember this time isn't any different than the past of the future, there will be future moments, you'll never escape. Please I'm begging you.