itschristaleeann

[itschristaleeann]

Voted to (hopefully) ensure our continued democracy so that my future children will have the same opportunity someday. If you haven’t voted yet, please consider doing so, this election couldn’t be more important! 🗳️✨ (at North Canton, Ohio) https://www.instagram.com/p/CktyHMWJli0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itschristaleeann]

Yesterday was our last fun filled day in St. Louis with seeing the Gateway Arch, eating the best BBQ (@saltandsmokebbq) that we’ve had so far, and seeing one of Josh’s bucket list bands to see live, Coheed & Cambria. ⁣ ⁣ The heat and humidity whooped our ass, but genuinely had the best time. Thanks for hosting us @johnathonoscar & @dinosorry, we had the best time and can’t wait to come back again ☺️ (at Gateway Arch National Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/ChAVwUNOD_e/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itschristaleeann]

First day in St. Louis did not disappoint 😎 (at St. Louis, Missouri) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cg7QDE0O9NJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itschristaleeann]

Rock Hall photo dump 🤘🏻🎸 @whereismuna & @jensenmcrae were absolutely incredible too. The vibes were absolutely immaculate 😍 (at Rock & Roll Hall of Fame) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cgrujo8unIB/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itschristaleeann]

Waves.

Something I wrote for an adoptee poetry contest.

I’ve only seen and been in the ocean once

It was exhilarating

It was beautiful

But it gave me anxiety

Waves are unpredictable

They can come and go

Strong or weak

Calm or intense

And you can’t control them

Adoption and reunion are like these waves

Maybe there is a period of calmness and peace

Hope even

But when it becomes choppy and unfair,

It’s unforgiving

Unpredictable

Unfair

And possibly unaliving.

But most of all, it’s enticing

Why?

Why would anyone want to go into the ocean when it could just take us away forever?

I ponder

And ponder

It seems like it’s against human nature to take on so many unpredictabilities when all we want is stability in this life

But I keep coming back to one thing

The possibilities are endless

And maybe that’s enough to have your toes touch the salt water

Again

And again.

[itschristaleeann]

Ready to see The Eagles and be the youngest fans here 😜🤘🏻 (at Rocket Mortgage FieldHouse) https://www.instagram.com/p/CbOPnomJLGF/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Went to my first concert in over 2 years (thanks pandemic 😩) and had the best time! Definitely needed this after everything that’s been happening in my life. Enjoyed all the bands @bearingsband, @jfcrewfanclub, @fouryearstrong, @realfriendsband and for the sixth time seeing them, @statechampsny, y’all are the bomb dot com 🤟🏻 (at House of Blues Cleveland) https://www.instagram.com/p/CU_v-8QskZU/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Tried to fight the sidewalk outside our apartment yesterday and the sidewalk won 🥴 https://www.instagram.com/p/CTuf4-JFXT0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

I think we all remember where we were 20 years ago when one of the worst tragedies our generation has ever witnessed. It’s hard to believe I was just 8 years old and I remember it just being played on the news over and over again as if what was happening was unbelievable, and it was. No one thought America would be attacked on it’s own soil. I never fully understood what happened with what happened at the Pentagon and Flight 93 til I was a bit older but, my heart is truly with everyone who lost someone that day. It wouldn’t be until 16 years later til I got to visit this amazing and beautiful city and see it for myself. I fell in love. The energy and the vibrance this city has is unmatched. I felt alive! But the only time I remember it ever being quiet is here at the memorial. You could hear whispers. The amount of respect is real. I’ll never forget it. Visit the memorial and this city if you ever get the chance. It’ll change your life. It gave me a whole new perspective on so much. I want to go back so badly, but hopefully someday. So until next time, New York, I love you. ❤️🗽 (at World Trade Center 9/11 Memorial Site, New York City) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTr5LsVLsPm/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

People Always Leave?

Remember that theme for Peyton Sawyer in One Tree Hill, “People Always Leave”? One Tree Hill is a show I hold close to my heart and have seen at least five or six times all the way through, but I never fully understood why her character meant so much to me. Yeah, I knew she was adopted like I am but it never fully clicked, that is until I came out of the fog about my adoption.

If you’re not an adoptee, you may not understand what coming out of the fog is. It basically means that you come to terms of what your adoption means and your feelings towards it. We’re told to be grateful, that we’re lucky, that we got this amazing life but, we all realize we were separated or abandoned by our biological family, RIGHT?  Whatever the circumstances were, you’re still not with the family who created you, and that kinda sucks. Even if you were technically better off being adopted. That’s trauma. It’s heartbreaking.

You miss out on so much and you’re always wondering why you feel so different. Why you don’t feel like you fit in anywhere.

And let’s be real here, Peyton Sawyer is not the only adoptee or adoption or abandonment  story in a TV show or movie. There’s so many. Bones, This Is Us, Call The Midwife, and so many more that have storylines on this. And if there’s one that specifically applies to you or you feel more connected to, I’d love to hear about it.

But Peyton’s for me hits closer to me because I see a lot of myself in her. Grew up as an only child. Blonde curly hair. Our personalities. How she copes even with grief and hardships. I see it.

Anyway, back to Peyton’s storyline. Peyton was dealing with the loss of her adoptive mother because she ran a red light and was killed. Her adoptive father had a job that required him to be away a lot. She finally meets her biological mother who eventually dies from cancer. Her biological father is a drunk. She meets her half brother. People in her life came and went and the pain of losing both mothers in her life hits differently for me now. The realization that I one day will lose both of my mothers. Even in the joy that adoption brings for the parents, it’s tragic for the child. We have to go through double the grief and heartbreak.

Our stories do differ in one area. It is that she didn’t know she was adopted growing up and finding it out when she was a teenager. Not a great time to find out. We all know being a teenager is hard. I’m fortunate that I knew my whole life. My adoptive parents did do that right. Not telling your kid they were adopted is like trying to hide a dirty secret or dirty laundry. Really not okay. We’re not here for your pride or to be a replacement child when we didn’t have a choice on who raised us or even being born.

It’s no wonder adoptees have trust and abandonment issues. And in the show, it plays out that way a lot for her. People coming and going, dying even. And yeah, most people would say that’s a part of life or maybe think it’s a little sad. But it’s a whole other level for her and me. I truly feel her pain and relate so hard. This show helped me see that.

It helps me know that I’m not alone in how I feel, even if people come and go in my life. And I have, especially during the pandemic. It’s been hard to let go of people I thought would always be in my life or maybe the possibility of entering my life. It’s hard to know that I’ll never fully develop a connection to my biological family in a way you develop family relationships over a lifetime. Maybe that’ll change or maybe it won’t. I can’t answer that, but I hope it does.

But I am trying though. Peyton did too. We had open (but protected and sometimes tough exteriors) hearts to let people in, even if they left or hurt us. We’re constantly nursing our broken hearts, hoping that someday that we can heal and move on but if only it were that easy.

But the ones who stayed are the ones who we hold so close. That’s tragic the beauty of all this pain. We can see easily who’s important to us and who’s only here for a period of time.

I have a handful of people in my life who I call my close circle. Like the quote from the movie Lilo & Stitch “This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It’s little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good.”

And if you’re reading this as a friend or family member of an adoptee and you’ve stayed in their lives in a positive way and are close, know the immense amount of trust and fondness we have in you.

So if you’re an adoptee who’s just coming out of the fog, late discovery, dealing with loss, abandonment, just know you’re not crazy for feeling the way you do.

Remember:

You’re valid.

You matter.

It’s okay to be angry.

There is beauty and you’re part of that beauty.

Take a deep breath.

Hold onto the people who stay, they’re the realest.

And most importantly, know you’re loved. ❤️

[itschristaleeann]

Ending our last night here with a bonfire. 🔥 Wouldn’t have it any other way. Friends are the raddest. (at Salvo, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSF55XysaNy/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Storm clouds won’t damper island time ☁️ (at Bodie Island Lighthouse) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSCujbkF7Id/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Get ya someone who makes you laugh this hard even though you’re not ticklish in the slightest 😂 (at Salvo, North Carolina) https://www.instagram.com/p/CSAGbh7FQi2/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Gardens, dolphins & friends. (at Elizabethan Gardens) https://www.instagram.com/p/CR9L7ZgL027/?utm_medium=tumblr

[itschristaleeann]

Floating.

I constantly feel like I’m floating.

Like I’m floating in an uncontrollable and inescapable state of floating in a cool breeze that’s carrying me without mercy and I’m trying to escape it and feel the warm grass underneath my feet.

Like I’m constantly in the state of not feeling grounded in self, body, mind and spirit. Almost as if I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

I didn’t have a choice in the way I was brought into this world, how I was raised, who I was relinquished to, and it seems that my adoptive parents won the lottery. I lost a little bit of myself in those moments of decision I had no choice over. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world or ask for strangers to care and nurture me. I grew to love them but it wasn’t the same.

Yeah, I could go on how a lot of us didn’t have choices in circumstances and maybe you relate in some way. The color of your skin and the challenges of systemic racism, the wealth gap, the world basically melting, great! Empathy is a powerful tool that brings change and a great step to understanding something maybe you don’t fully understand, like adoption. Use and embrace it.

My adoptive parents showered me in love as the typical only child adoptee, lots of pictures, but for both sides of the coin, no mirror appeared. My adoption was never a secret and that’s when I first felt like I was floating. Nothing and no one around me that looked or acted like me. I was truly floating around alone.

Yes, they loved me. They protected me as best they knew. But this feeling has never gone away. I don’t blame them and never will. And that’s okay.

I have been in constant floating for basically my whole life without consciously knowing it til I met my first mother and sister on that side. Just for a moment I felt my toe touched the ground. I saw a mirror. I felt seen for the first time. I could’ve cried but I looked emotionless. I don’t process emotions well on the spot. We had similar attributes and personality traits, it felt like I was talking to someone I’ve known my whole life even though this was only our second or third meeting but the first one I consciously remember.

And as soon as we left each other, I felt the floating again and again and again. And it’s never gonna fully go away. I get glimpses and moments of grounding now and again, when I’m around or talking to my first families, but they are fleeting. They’re never permanent.

I constantly wonder what or how different my life would’ve been if I wasn’t an outsider to my first families, if I truly belonged and was there my whole life. Trying to connect with your first family has only one comparison even though it’s not a good one, it’s like trying to befriend or integrate with in-laws. It doesn’t feel quite natural and you never feel like you fully fit in, no matter how welcoming they are. But don’t think it’s the same, because it’s not. It’s just the only thing I can think of that’s the closest comparison. Yes, I feel more connected when we talk or when we have conversations, but I know I’ll never fully be a part of the family.

I don’t wish my life to be different, because that isn’t ethical. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the experiences I’ve had. I wouldn’t have married the man who I call my best friend. I wouldn’t have the friends I have who unconditionally support me in this journey.

And most importantly, I love my adoptive parents, don’t let this be a thing that makes you think otherwise. Adoptees constantly have to remind folks that when we talk about our truth, that we still love our adoptive parents even though that really shouldn’t be a question in the first place. This is our story.

Feeling grounded was stolen from me. Circumstances and lack of choices stole it from me. I can’t rewrite the history, but what I’d absolutely kill for is to find some other way of feeling grounded and connected to my world.

I don’t know how or what it’ll take, or what my journey looks like, but I gotta have hope otherwise this all feels hopeless on top of the floating.

That’s too much to bear.

[itschristaleeann]

Letter to my biological father on Father’s Day that I never got to meet.

Dear Dad,

So today is Father’s Day. It’s a day I didn’t struggle with until I came out of the fog. I struggle with it because I feel like I now have to honor the father who raised me and you. You deserve to be honored as well as you did create me. We three have that connection that can never be unbroken whether we want the complexities or not.

Today is a day where a father gets to fully soak in the gratitude your children give you and to see the fruits of your labor in raising your kids to be good people. To fully enjoy your family. You had 5 other children who seemed to love and adore you, regardless of your struggles. I’m so happy that you got to do that with them and that they have those memories with you. You seemed to be a rad guy from what I’ve heard. I’m glad that I get to get pieces and snippets of what you were like.

I’m only sorry you didn’t have that opportunity with me. To see me when I was born. To hold me. To see me grow. Take my first steps. Say my first words. Play sports. Graduate high school and college. Get married. Meet your son-in-law who is an amazing man and loves me unconditionally.

The only story I have that you knew of my existence was when you signed away your parental rights and while you had initially denied I was yours, you did ask if you could see me. There must’ve been a part of you that knew I was yours, and I’m sorry you held on to that secret to the grave. That must’ve been hard to carry every day.

I’m sad that our souls will never meet. Will never have closure together. To have a conversation with each other. To see each other’s faces and see our similarities because I do look so much like you, everyone of your children, mother and the woman you had me with all say so. Our chin dimple is the biggest one I can think of among others from the pictures that have been shared with me.

I don’t know if there is an afterlife or if you’re still looking down on your family and the children you knew, but if there is, I hope that in some way that you’ve at least seen what I look like. I don’t know, sounds weird to say, right?

But what you have sacrificed in losing your ability to parent me, you gave the people who did raise me a chance to be parents when they couldn’t naturally. They loved me and took care of me and did the best they could. I love them dearly. They gave me a good life.

But there will always be a void in not knowing you and that’ll never go away.

I hold a place for you in my heart and I hope I did yours.

Happy Father’s Day.

[itschristaleeann]

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER

Hey! Alright so one of the main reasons I decided to start writing on Tumblr at least semi-regularly was to translate some of the thoughts in my crazy and sporadic mind to a concrete format. Sometimes the thoughts build up so much and I never express them, whether verbally or written, so it can become overwhelming. While I am an English major with a Bachelor’s degree, I still find myself struggling to formulate thoughts and reasoning that make sense to anyone but myself and I am even worse about committing these thoughts to memory or paper so I am going to use this as not only a writing tool but hopefully as a self-improvement tool as well.

With that being said, I’d like to take this opportunity to express some feelings that I’ve been having lately about one of my favorite passions: video games. YO THEY ARE SUPER GREAT. But maybe also super awful at times.

I’ve had a love affair with video games since I was maybe around four or five years old. My dad was a big video game fan when he was my age and carried on this passion throughout early and middle adulthood. He lived through the Atari era so he was basically on the fuckin’ landing grounds of the creation of my favorite past time. I remember him telling me how great games like Pong and Pac-Man were and how he couldn’t believe how far they advance in terms of graphics and capabilities every time there is a new system release. 

The first gaming system I ever had was a Sega Genesis. I have some splendid memories of playing Sonic the Hedgehog, Mutant League Football, Streets of Rage 2 and many more games that I can’t possibly remember all at once. And since I was a young and dumb kid, I even got to experience some of the more obscure titles that most older folks wouldn’t have played at the time. These would especially include licensed movie titles like Power Rangers and Home Alone, among others. While games based on movies often get a bad reputation, I distinctly remember enjoying these two titles particularly because of my ever-growing love of the source material. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie game was a side-scrolling beat ‘em up very similar to Streets of Rage 2 so that is likely why I enjoyed this title so much. And man was it a shit ton of fun playing Home Alone and setting traps for Harry and Marv to fall into.

Okay. Let’s get back on track. So my dad started my love for gaming by sharing his memories and experiences and by purchasing me a Sega Genesis. Blah blah blah. Flash forward to my teenage years. By this time, I was long past my 8 bit and 16 bit gaming days and was into 3D gaming systems that were far advanced from the good ‘ol Atari or Genesis days. I watched in amazement as my dad marveled again at “how good this shit looks” and forever possessing the “what will they do next” philosophy and mindset.

On a related note, I remember the day that we finally got high speed internet in my household. Although we lived in the country and were only able to obtain speeds of 1mbps, it was like luxury living for people who formerly lived with dial-up internet. The reason why this is worth mentioning is because this now opened up a whole new world for me: the world of online gaming. Boy, did I not have a clue how great and equally terrifying this would be for me. 

As I became older, I became at least slightly more skilled at playing games than when I was younger. However, I could not understand why the people who played games online against me in multiplayer modes were so much better. I struggled with this a lot and, admittedly, it’s a personal problem that I still have. I’m not sure if I have a competitive complex that I don’t like to reason with or if it’s something else but goddamn do I have some gaming-related anger and self-esteem issues. You would’ve likely heard me yelling in frustration in these angst-driven years, screaming phrases such as OH MY GOD THIS GUY HAS KILLED ME TEN TIMES IN A ROW AND I HAVEN’T EVEN LEFT MY RESPAWN AREA. WHY AM I SO BAD AT THIS? WHY IS HE CROUCHING UP AND DOWN ABOVE MY CHARACTER’S DEAD BODY?!?!

There is a point I’m going to make. God I’m bad at this. SEE THERE IT IS AGAIN. 

My parents, especially my dad, became very angry that I was angry over a video game. The hobby that he once loved so much had mostly become a thing of the past (besides occasional sports games) so he couldn’t possibly understand why a simple hobby was making me so angry. I tried reasoning with him, stating the idea that he was likely angry when he lost to the AI on his older games. He told me he never remembered getting angry because “it was just a game” and “it’s just a computer” and that he never reacted in such a strong way.

Then, it clicked. 

The reason why I get so angry about playing games online is because I am personally interacting with real human beings and not just a computer, not just a form of artificial intelligence. A real, living, breathing, swearing, mother insulting person. And people. SO MANY PEOPLE ALL ONLINE AT ONCE. And these real people don’t give a single fuck about my feelings or how bad I am at the game. Their mission is to make their player beat or destroy or kill my player. It’s truly just a game and shouldn’t hold such a great weight on anyone’s mind but online gaming has a way of making it feel personal and I think that’s why it still has the ability to fill me with such a completely unjustifiable rage.

This brings us to present day. While I still play games online quite often, I feel that my experiences and feelings have changed. I am no longer a child or even a teenager. I am a twenty-five year old man with two part-time jobs, a fiancee, a cat, an apartment to clean and maintain and bills to pay. SO WHY THE HELL AM I STILL GETTING MAD OVER VIDEO GAMES? 

I think that we, as an obviously imperfect species of living biology, are always striving for better. I have clearly evolved and matured as person but there is still that part of me that wants to break shit and throw things when I lose. Maybe I’m just a sore loser. I probably am. BUT. There is so much shit wrong with this world, especially in 2017, that we tend to expect to gain happiness and success out of the hobbies, interests and activities that we spend our free time on while the rest of our time is spent working or sleeping. I’m not sure if this is true for everyone but I think it’s true for me. I think that everything in my life is so uncertain, so messy, so complicated and so challenging for me that I expect my hobbies to provide me an escape from reality and responsibility and send waves of happiness to my screwed up brain. 

Speaking of happiness, I want to mention one of the main reasons why I was prompted to write this very long post. Well, maybe not long by Tumblr standards but surely by my own!

I have recently been playing a game called Playerunknown’s Battlegrounds. It’s a PC game I’ve been playing with my friend Ben on Steam. The elevator pitch for this game is imagine you’ve been put into a Hunger Games style world where you are dropped on an island and must fight to the death with all the other inhabitants. It is simply amazing to realize that there are up to one hundred people in any given match of this game and it could be one hundred different people that you are fighting every time. One hundred different characters that represent one hundred real people, just like you and me. Except maybe not as nice. This game is super stressful, intimidating and difficult at times but HOLY SHIT it is fun. I can honestly say it is one of the best experiences I’ve ever had with a video game. The constant desire to finally get that win, or “chicken dinner” as the game refers to it, is the pure carnal force that is driving me to keep playing. I keep telling myself the frustration will pay off and I will eventually win.

Well, long story short, I have played countless matches of this game with Ben and I had never won a game of it until last night. We have made it into the top ten out of fifty teams on several occasions and have put over fifteen hours into this game so far but had never won up until this point. I won’t describe this play-by-play but here’s the general gist of it: my friend Ben died early in this match so I was left alone to proceed through the rest of the match. At first, I was completely unsure of how I could possibly proceed without him but then the number of players left in the game started sinking lower and lower until I was finally in the last ten remaining. And then eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. There were three players left, including myself. I had not landed many accurate shots in this match thus far and was almost sure that I would blow this. At last, I fired my virtual assault rifle and eliminated the last player. A screen popped up that said, “WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER!” and gave me some match statistics. I was in a state of shock as Ben yelled in excitement and couldn’t believe it. After hours of trial and error, I had finally won. 

I know this post may sound completely trivial and unimportant to anyone but me. The truth is that video games mean a lot to me and being good at them means more than I wish it did. But I think that video games aren’t nearly as irrelevant or pointless as some people make them out to be. Personally, this was a learning experience for me that I needed to have long before adulthood. Sometimes, trial and error is the only method that leads to success. But if you don’t try in the first place, you can’t even reach the point of error. I worked past my fear of being bad at video games and the judgment that would follow by the other players and I accomplished a goal.

Simply put, I expect too much from video games. They have given me fun and happiness for years but how dare they not do this 100 percent of the time or else it will inevitably lead to me being pissed off and destructive.

So thank you, video games. You non-living, virtual, amazing, bullshit, absolutely wonderful creation.