itis4am

[itis4am]

24 July 2024

Hello, wassup!

It's been a very long time, I don't even remember when was the last time I wrote. But anyway, it's been a year in the new company, new city and things have been going uneventful.

It's very monotonous with nothing much to look forward to. Although, recently I made a new crush. He's a colleague but another city.

I always feel elated and delulu when I have a new crush but this time it's very different. Every time I think about him, 90% of the times I feel like crying after, because it has been so long and I have never got anyone that I want, like ever. It has been too long and lonely. I have so much love to give but no one to give it to.

I hear so many stories of people in love, out of love but I don't have any. Never have I ever felt so sad about never having a boyfriend till now. Because I know I can give that person so much love but he'll never know it because I have never gotten what I wanted.

It has always been one heartbreak after another. I agree some people have been "out of my league", but even crushing on people in my league haven't given me any fruits.

So this time, whenever I think about him it's always like how I'll never get the reciprocated feelings in return and I won't even get a chance to show him all the love I can give him.

I can't come to terms with the fact that I may never find love. Why is it so hard to find someone for me?

People say I will be a catch but maybe I am too ambitious for my own good? Like had I just done some regular degree I could have gone the housewife path, married someone rich and then atleast I wouldn't have been so lonely.

I am so done, this is so unfair. Is it too much to ask for?

[itis4am]

14 June 2024

Yo, so I am currently preparing (not laid off though), but sometimes I just have these really nice moments with my colleagues that would have made my stay longer had these not been the circumstances.

The people I work with are a bunch of really sweet and people and the limited times I do chat with them are good. Everyone's so helping and accomodating and if I have to stay I would love to go on another team outing but yeah, so many people are already leaving :(

Though out of my 3 favourite people (looks wise obviously, I am shallow like that) only one is leaving but I am pretty sure more are to follow soon.

Also, people just tell me stuff (after alcohol consumption only), which I obviously plan to take to no one in the company. But yeah, seeing so many people leave is sad. I would even say that I feel like only 40% of the people remaining will be the people who have been here when I joined (even though the number is more than that, but some of them I never had any contact with).

I felt this company was a good starting point before joining, but now I feel this could have been a good team to work with had I not been a fresher and was looking to settle.

I will go as far as saying that given a chance I would pick this team anyday but it's just the circumstances the company has put up that cannot be neglected. How many bullets will be fired, how many can I dodge.

[itis4am]

23 May 2024

Heyy, what's up! Long time. Life's okay-ish. Something really heartbreaking happened in my company and lost a few friends (not dead). Wrong choice of words but yeah, I don't even know why I try to be so vague like someone from my real life will actually find these posts and connect them to me but what's the harm anyway.

So, the thing that I learnt recently that completely validated me and gave me a sense of satisfaction was that the doubts I had regarding my friendships in last year were actually true. Though I was suppressed and made to believe by those people that I am just a jealous and insecure person but alas! I was not.

Now, I do think will there be a time to rekindle those old friendships? But there definitely will be not. Though I do still think about her but then I fail to remember the last few months and all the gaslighting. That is the main reason I am writing here as wise ME once said and is a mantra I should follow for the rest of my life, "My friendship with him might still improve but it will never be the same with those two."

This sentence I should remember before committing the same mistake I made before. It is important for me to remember the betrayal and the lies and the gaslighting and the sides that were taken when I was depressed and lonely.

Also, it has been a year since I last spoke to him and the only thing I regret is that drunk snapchat I sent which I now realize must have been discussed with his then "girlfriend". The same one which was, "is not and never will be".

But yeah, karma is a bitch. I have had a first hand experience of it. Two things I believe in now is karma and manifestation. Do good and good things will happen and keep telling universe what you want from it (but yeah hardwork is still important to achieve what you desire).

Anyway this is where I take your leave. Manifesting a best friend that will be available for me when I want, the one with whom I will be able to share minute details of my day and not have any secrets. Maybe then I will stop using tumblr as my journal.

Until then, toodles!

[itis4am]

I am well and alive.

So, the last time I wrote I was pretty sad and things took a darker turn. People I consider my friends would leave me out and about and the people I would go to seeking support would pick their sides and then act as if they had been neutral all along.

Things were said and done. Been through the trenches and got out of it.

Life is better now. Moved on from that drama. Too far. So far that no one can come and destroy my mental peace here.

Also, Karma has been a bitch to my wrong-doers so, guess I believe in the power of Karma and manifestation now.

Got new friends (or colleagues, I like to say, so as to not get too attached). They are everything that I hoped for. And I am finally in the "cool" group now.

I had always been in a not so "cool" group, always seeking other groups that would fulfil me, and here I am. This group is everything I hoped for but the longevity is unsure. So I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can for as long as I can.

Grateful to move to a city away from all the past drama that made my last 6 months of college miserable.

[itis4am]

I am not okay

Currently it is 3:55 am on 16th Feb 2023 (It is almost 4 am) and I am not okay. Lately, I have been feeling sad, unhappy, lonely, harsh and many different negative emotions.

Things that brought me joy don't anymore. I am afraid to be alone but am lonely in a group. I just want to get over with this monotone that life has become.

There rarely are times when I don't feel like binge watching and it currently is. Maybe I am depressed? I don't know who I can reach out to.

[itis4am]

Sitcoms (revised list)

My updated list of sitcoms that I have watched (as on 20 December 2022)

2 Broke Girls (forgot about it last time)

Parks and Recreation

Mom (also forgot I guess)

The Good Place

Superstore

Modern Family.

[itis4am]

Updates. 2/2

Breaking it into 2 parts because apparently summing up a complete year in one post is too tiring.

Okay the session started how I expected it to be but the first company came mid August and according to the expected timeline it should have come mid September but I the first company I applied to came in mid September so everything was going according to plan.

We had this entire list of companies that we would apply to and did that change drastically in the next two and a half months!

So, I had this benchmark for companies, filling below which would have been an insult to me. All was good until the companies kept pulling back, one after another there were news of company A withdrawing from placements, company B not coming.

Earlier I was the one selecting which company was good enough, it changed to filling all the companies that matched my profile.

Tests after tests, multiple tests in a single day, some bad, some good with no shortlists in hand. One of my friends said, "If you are filling 50 companies, 40 of those tests will go bad, it all comes down to that 1 company which will come for you." This was the only piece of advice I kept with me to stop myself from falling into a black hole.

Keeping a small group is important, talking to some of the people literally gave me anxiety. On paper, these people had practiced more than me, knew more than me (or so they showed). Couple this with the person saying I haven't done enough and no time is left, when I was there binge watching TV shows thinking to myself, three and a half months still remain. I learnt to listen from one ear and let it out from the next.

Then came the last fifteen days and the mix of end semester exams along with interview preparation and the realization that I am not as prepared as I thought I was. I had forgotten to revise topics that I studied in January, resume and project preparation was not even started paired with the countdown of days remaining.

Yes, I was able to complete all of this to a satisfactory level but could I have done more? Definitely.

Placements were hectic, I got rejected from 5 companies before I got the offer from a sixth one.

Am I happy? Yes.

Though I was aiming to get into the earliest company I could, it stretched out to later than I wanted. My interviews were, one on 29 November, 4 on midnight of 1st December and the final one in which I got selected in evening of 1st December. Between session 2 and 3 was when I felt, I had fucked up. Should've accepted the PPO from my internship company but all of these feelings suddenly went away after I got the offer.

Though I am uncapable of celebrating this success because of what happened last year. Getting the high and hitting the low. It has broken my trust forever. Also offers are getting rescinded revoked left and right, thanks to the recession so there always is that fear, if it happened once it can happen again.

Here's hoping that nothing goes wrong. (Fingers crossed)

Everything fell into place. From not even thinking about filling the company (the test is difficult) to solving the question that came in the test hours before to getting shortlisted for interview to flipping the preference position in a last minute check to miraculously having to give this interview before others. It all fell into place. A series of fortunate events. Grateful.

(Finally a grateful moment after a long time.)

[itis4am]

Updates. 1/2

So it has been a long time. Maybe because life is back offline, I get to vent out most of my feelings to real people and not just write it down not to be read by anyone again.

So going back to my November 2021 post, I had mentioned that I got an internship and will be focusing on placements entirely without any slack and learn from my past mistakes, I do keep repeating them.

No, I did not become placement focused as much as I should have, yes I wasted a lot of time daydreaming. A lot of time trying to plan a trip that never happened, disappointed and it finally did happen in the end but without me. So much for losing hope at the wrong time.

Do I regret not going to that trip? Not really, it feels like I wouldn't have enjoyed it as much anyway owing to that fact that half the people there were mutual friends and not friends. Anyhow I got LASIK in the meantime and that to me feels like a better thing that I have done with my time.

December ended with a New Year's Trip filled with alcohol and me gaining the bragging rights for a great capacity. Though this image shattered pretty soon.

January happened without any major things happening. February is when I went back to college, to say that I missed it is an understatement. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed college until I got it all back.

Got drifted from my regular group and explored a new group, filled with alcohol and dinners. This was the college I had imagined back in high school. The only thing missing was a "love interest" and sad to say that I still am hopeless in that department.

"Forever falling in love, but always falling alone."

Now came the FAREWELL to all these new friends I had made, a goodbye filled with teary eyes and a slap to the face that rather than studying for placements as always intended, I never learn from my mistakes and was at the same place that I had been months ago.

Intern "SHIP" sailed smoothly but I was pretty sure that I will not be accepting the PPO if offered and did not regret this until 3 pm on 1 December 2022.

Internship and placement preparation went hand in hand smoothly mostly and at the end I was pretty confident that I can crack a good company.

Then came the downward spiral of emotions, mental health, darkness all at once but I realized it quite late.

[itis4am]

My toxic traits

Hi darlings! (It is my new thing now- Darling)

This post is just me bitching about myself. Things I do that others may or may not notice about me but are not good.

1. Hyprocrisy

I am a very hypocrite person. I expect things from people but am not ready to reciprocate the same. To give an example, I want people to be there for me when needed but don’t want to go out of my comfort zone to be there for them. I have high expectations from people but am not putting in any effort to hold myself to those expectations.

2. Selfish

I do things that make me happy regardless of what others want. I always look for personal pleasure over others. If I want something, I go out of my way to make that happen but I don’t like to share it with others. It goes in relationships too. If someone I like doesn’t reply to my texts, I feel dejected but once the table is turned, I purposefully ignore the other person’s advances because it suits me better. 

3. Discontented and disconnected

If something is not happening according to my wishes, I either try to avoid it or if it is unavoidable, I become disconnected in the situation and imply subtly that I do not want to be here anymore.

4. Bitching

I bitch a lot about people I am good to on front. I am aware that this is indecency but I do not care. In the moment it feels right. Maybe I am doing this to look cool in front of others but still if someone does it to me, it is a whole different me that expects people to be decent human beings and get Karma for their actions.

All of the above point towards my hypocrite nature. If I were to find a person like me, I would dislike them with all my might but am not putting in any efforts to better myself.

[itis4am]

8 July 2022

I am just a regular young person who likes to go out and have fun with friends. Sometimes, that fun includes alcohol and cigarettes. I know it is injurious to health and can be addictive but if everything is under safe environment with trustworthy people, is it too bad?

Like I often hear at home that today’s generation has no etiquettes, girls are partying with guys, drinking and smoking, no shame at all and then I apply it to me. There must be other families out there who would think the same about us. I do not understand that why are girls put under so much scrutiny specially in case of alcohol and smoking.

Is it because of the cases we hear everyday about sexual assaults and mixing of drugs in the drinks or as a society women are considered to be unequal to men and they should not partake in such activities or “who will marry her?” 

I feel guilty when adults discuss such things in front of me and I am there like, if only they knew how crazy we are in college. If they knew that side of me, will they still treat me the same?

[itis4am]

29 June 2022

I always thought that when someone liked someone, how does the other person not get a sweet spot for the other. How cruel of them. But lately I have realized that you aren’t a cruel person if you don’t reciprocate the feelings back.

Being straight- forward is the best way but is it always the way? Being straight can hurt others. Now the question is what is the correct balance of truth and consideration of other’s feelings.

To give an example, recently someone tried to ask me out and after rejecting, he asked why. For me, the answer was I don’t like you in that way but saying that would make my answer rude.

Another thought that came to my mind was I don’t want to get into all this right now. But that is not true, because 1, if the right person asks me out, I will say yes and 2, I didn’t want to get his hopes up because I know that I will never have any feelings for him and I didn’t want to give him the hope that I might be ready in the future.

The reply I went ahead with was “There is someone else”. This is a complete lie but 1, it satisfies the ego that there’s nothing wrong with me. However, I feel so weak saying this because it indirectly means that I need someone else to make me feel safe. Meaning that, this I am this “other person’s” so am out of reach but if I weren’t would I be open for grabs?

I never understand what to do in these situations like ever.

[itis4am]

Boys are dumb

Boys be like - No one is into me, I am lonely and desperate for love but will ignore all the fucking flags when someone likes them. A girl will literally scream I love you at their face and they'll assume it's as a friend and then make themselves the victims for getting friendzoned. Like bro you did this to yourself. You have no idea who's into you and not even trying to approach someone is literally the worst thing you are doing. As a girl, I am conditioned into thinking that any person who is nice to me is literally because they want something in return and that is not okay. People should be nice even if the others have nothing to offer. So I am unable to process how boy's brains work. Like yes this girl makes an effort to text me every chance she gets, keeps up with me not replying for days, is actively trying to flirt with me and remembers every little detail about me. Totally platonic. I agree some platonic relationships can be like this but still it matters how you treat the other person. If someone is doing all these things for you, shouldn't you have the decency to atleast reciprocate a bit of it? Like remember if they asked you for something. Atleast text if you are unable to complete a simple task that you had decided. People crying over other people is way too saddening if you think about it. Like a person is sad because I said I would do something that I didn't. Either set the boundaries very clear from the beginning like you are not supposed to trust me or something. But it really does hurt when the person you make a little more effort that you would for anyone else just forgets about you. I am literally here waiting for you to tell me something, checking my phone since morning, worried that I would miss your text if I sleep a little longer and there you are living your life like you don't even remember me. As the day ends, I become a lot less hopeful that you would text. And so here I am with another heartache not from a breakup because there atleast the person acknowledges that something happened but here, you are so oblivious to the fact that someone is waiting for you, crying for you and she will get over it mind it. But I know her and I know that she is a self respecting woman who would never go back to the place where she isn't wanted anymore.

[itis4am]

I will be such a great girlfriend. Someone girlfriend me please.

[itis4am]

Current events

The female urge to fall in love with your best friend to fulfil the best friends to lovers fantasy. Hollywood has ruined me. (Ron & Hermione, Monica & Chandler are a few of my favourites.)

OR

The female urge to fall for the first person who is nice to you and will never see you in the way you see them. (Heart eye emoji)

[itis4am]

1 November 2021

After a long time, I am back. Though no one missed me here, I did feel the urge to come out here and write down what’s new with me. So, I finally got accepted in a company. Hopefully they don’t cancel on me like the last one did. But now since that is sorted out, I can finally move onto the plans I had after getting an offer. 

Also I watched a new sitcom, Parks and Recreation and I liked it. Initially I thought it was a bit slow and bland but as I continued watching, I grew really fond of the characters. And oh my god, when I saw Andy Samberg in an episode I literally squealed. I had a lot of fun just finding crossover characters between Michael Schur shows. 

Talking of sitcoms, I do have to complete my list of sitcom reviews and I will get to it real soon. I didn’t realize it would take me this long to get motivated to write again.

At present, I need a proper road map for the next few months, things to learn, when to learn but I don’t know who to ask for help. The people who will be able to help will be available next month. Till then I guess I just have to learn what I know is important and felt held me back this time around.

Winter is here and I love the cold weather, only because I get to wear my sweatshirts and jackets and hoodies. I just love collecting them. 

I am also catching up on a lot of things I missed during the summers like the Marvel web series. I do think I am doing a lot these days but there is so much more that I can do. Just need to get into the mode and not slack off in between.

One thing that I can play to my advantage here is that I have seen so much struggle and I am determined to not face that again and if I keep remembering those dark times I can surely motivate myself to keep working hard.

That’s all I can think about right now so I guess I’ll end here. :)

[itis4am]

6 October 2021

I was just thinking about all the crushes I have had since my childhood and boy was I creepy. Oh my god, I wasn’t even subtle about it. I am sorry to most of them if they had to deal with me being super creepy towards them and even if you hate me for that, I hate myself more.

[itis4am]

19 September 2021

Just wondering.. would you rather have more work to do than normal or no work to do at all? Work here is not referred to employment. 

What I meant was last week I was miserable, I didn’t have any tests or interviews planned but this week it’s like everything that did not happen in the last week is happening now. Although it is my fault, I filled a bunch of forms for different companies and all of them have sent their assessments for me to complete. Also mid semester exams are going on.

But I would take this workload than sitting ideal all day dwelling on my misery.