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A Sickness Without A Cure / Put A Name To The Face / Nameless Angel

Where were you when I was in so much pain

I couldn’t stand? 

I know exactly where you were, 

But it seems you blanked.

Made me walk to dance class and 

Dance for two hours straight

That amnesia never left me 

I put a name to that face. 

The face of you staring down at me

As I cried, I couldn’t control myself

Dry heaving, sobbing, screaming

On the verge, was gonna kill myself

Who helped me when I was manic?

Who calmed me down from panic?

Sure as hell wasn’t you, 

You used me as your therapy.

Where were you when I was at my worst?

Actively seeking abuse, all you said was

“Girl, it’s your fault.” 

And where were you when I figured myself out?

“No you’re not,” “I don’t think so,”

You never had a doubt

Maybe you could accept you were wrong

Raised a kid in the wrong day and age

This economy and your trauma, they

Let me grow up in a screwed up way

Where were you when I thought hurting was love?

You were the one teaching me that

I had to do good things and beg for praise

Because all your energy was on your other kids

Where were you when I struggled in school?

Denying me autism care and a wheelchair because I’m not like

The five year old kids you deal with at your job

And come home from work exhausted, 

Unable to love me

Tell me it wasn’t that bad

When my joints were hurting

Tell me it’s how I’m eating When you neglected me to the point where I overate 

And binged and hid food and technology away

Because everytime I had something good you would take it Don’t do that to your offspring, unless you want em to hate you

I can’t be angry because you guilt me and you say

I deserve a better family, like hey sherlock, okay,

You’re oddly self aware for someone so self absorbed

I wonder if you knew I flinch whenever someone slams a door 

Where were you 

When I began to think

Maybe having to sneak food

And hide tech in my room

Was something that I had to do

I know exactly where you were

But your amnesia must be getting worse

Where were you when you found it all

You called me a curse, why would you

Where were you when I felt unloved

So I was seeking out hurt to feel anything at all?

You were the one making me feel scared and alone

I remember everytime Dad took me in his car

Told me I was the reason you two didn’t love each other

So of course I’m mad, dammit, why shouldn’t I be?

You ruined my childhood, I should have a right to be

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 attempts

And each of them failed you didn’t notice

Of course I’m angry

When you snap up and mock me and trigger me and

I know exactly where you stood

When I was getting bullied

“You slouch!” “You’re gay” “You’re too weird.” 

The awkward kid you sheltered and raised

Instead of living and learning and letting her play

You were the one that tore her away

From her friends, took her to a scary unfamiliar place

You didn’t do anything to help

You never listened when I spoke

You never apologized to me, just schluffed it off

Maybe you bought me a gift so I wouldn’t off myself

And when I’m struggling to cope you tell me

My mechanisms are triggering 

I can’t say I don’t resent you 

For what you did

But at least acknowledge it

The hate festers like an open wound rubbed in dirt

I smile and say “love you goodnight”.

Where were you when my room was destroyed?

You thought it was okay to take your 14 year old girl’s door lock off

You thought it was okay to go through all her stuff

You thought it was okay to watch her screaming and crying

Hold her down and force her to an insane asylum

Make her think she was insane

Had a sickness with no name

Where were you when I got assaulted? 

Where were you when love was all I wanted?

Where were you when I needed you to save me?

Caught up in yourselves I had to fend and fight for myself

Something no kid my age should have ever had to do

Years of being told I’m mature, but really

I’m just a kid who never got the chance to grow and live

I’m immature, I’m angry, I’m overreacting

Everytime you yell I wonder if you know

How I clamped over my ears

How I tried to give you hugs

How I sobbed when you hurt the cats

How I screamed when you took my favorite plushies to Goodwill because I told you I didn’t like what you were doing to me 

How I screamed when I couldn’t sleep because something was wrong and you called me dramatic

You’re pathetic excuses for parents I guess

But I gotta live with you until I’m 18

Just for more years and I’m finally free

I wanna know when the countdowns will stop

I wanna know when you’ll stop being hurtful

Recover and let me grow as a human being so

Stop treating me like a therapist and acting like I’m a ghost

Where were you when I tried to overdose?

You didn’t care, because yourselves are what matter most

Take your bloody chance, shoot it between the eyes while you can

I didn’t think there was a cure to my sickness

Found an easy way out, saw a chance and I took it 

Thank whatever’s up there I recovered

So that I can write down and speak out about how much I hate my mother

As I’m typing this, she snapped up and yelled,

Mocking me when I cried

Because I couldn’t take it

Scaring me, saying she was gonna

Pack up to a hotel and leave

She guilted me 

“I walked into your bedroom” Woman, you trashed it

You threaten to leave me with my drunk bastard of a dad

Say it’s “all your fault” and then you tell me I asked for it

I never asked to be alive

I never asked to be brought to life in this generation where 

I had to hide and not be listened to

I don’t feel safe when you go through my room, so damn, listen

If your kid feels the need to hide shit from you, maybe you’re the problem

“Your life is so terrible, you have a roof over your head and a mom who makes sure you have clothes and food” 

Okay, the bare minimum, and hell about the food

Three tomatoes, a slice of ham, and half a cucumber

I starved for years and got an eating disorder

All you could do is give me some bodily autonomy

As I’m writing this she’s telling me to put my computer down

And lecturing me about how my depression room 

And my tech are all making me worse

Girl, it’s you, just admit you’re the problem

Or keep listening to that onion stuff that you neglect me to read on Facebook

Not everything you see on the internet is true, get it through your thick skull

Have another kid, forget me and move on

But never forget you screwed up 

I need to work but you do too 

You need to work on yourself

Least you could do for your kid is to give them a mobility aid when they got chronic pain

But no it’s about you, you have to “reduce stress”

Girl you make it for yourself, 

You make problems for me too

“Two study halls and you’re still a failure”

“You’re the reason I’m graying, making me lose all my hair”

Okay, so you stress yourself out! And for what?

Just to have a heart attack and blame me all for it?

This poem doesn’t even make sense, but I gotta type

I’m worried she’ll get mad again and threaten on my life

Cmon, that DCFS call

Wasn’t nothing at all,

You just 

Threatened to drive the car into a tree

Kill both of us or just hurt me 

Whatever you cared about

I’m not your priority 

Or maybe I am, 

But you’re doing a damn bad job at raising your “prize”

1, Count down, you’re done. 2, you’re more done. If you get to five you’ll close it yourself, take it out of my hands like you did my bedsheets after you wrenched them off my bed, taking a cruel pleasure in listening to me sob and scream because you took everything from me - and you don’t care what consequences you’re gonna face afterwards.

 But I can’t say anything back, it’s “Fucking convinient my joints hurt, or that I’m smart at 9pm”

 “you’ve had all day to be tippity typing on this shit”, “why are you like this?”

YOU HAD YOUR CHOICE, YOU MADE IT, GO BLAME EVERYONE ELSE

 STOP INFANTILIZING ME, OKAY? 

DON’T TRY TO IMPLY THAT I MADE MYSELF THIS WAY

OKAY? I DON’T WANNA WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

EVERY DAY I FORCE MYSELF UP AND I GOTTA GET SHIT GOING

FOR MYSELF BECAUSE YOU’RE ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH MY DAD

JUST MOVE OUT ALREADY LET ME MOURN THE LIFE I NEVER HAD

I WANTED A CHILDHOOD I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS, DON’T CRY ABOUT IT

“I”M GONNA CRY ABOUT SOMETHING I DID TO MYSELF BECAUSE I WAS TOO LAZY TO PUT WRAPPERS IN THE FUCKING TRASH CAN, BLOWS MY MIND” HER EXACT WORDS JUST NOW

I’M NOT PULLING ON THE STRINGS ANYMORE, THIS ISN’T MY OWN SHOW

THIS IS THE LIFE SHE MADE ME LIVE, I WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

SHE’S MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY MISERY, PLEASE HELP ME OUT

IF I KEEP GOING THIS WAY, I’LL DIE SOON, IT’S WITHOUT A DOUBT

I’M NOT “PULLING MY BULLSHIT AND INSTIGATING TO STRESS YOU OUT”

I’M A KID WHO NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO GROW UP

I’M AN ANGEL WITHOUT A FACE BECAUSE I NEVER GOT TO MAKE ON E

DON’T THREATEN TO TAKE AWAY MY AUTONOMY AGAIN

I’VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND FOR FAR TOO LONG 

I’M SO TIRED, I CAN’T KEEP IT UP

THERE’S NO CURE TO THE SICKNESS I HAVE, SO I HAVE TO

HIDE IT AWAY FROM EVERYONE

I’M IN A CHOKEHOLD, IT FEELS LIKE MY CHEST IS BEING COMPRESSED 

CONSTANTLY HELD UP TO THE BEST, I WANT TO 

BE A NORMAL KID FOR ONCE, CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS STRESS

IF YOU’RE READING THIS, SOON I’M GONNA LOSE IT

I HAVE NOWHERE TO GO NOW AND NO ONE BUT MYSELF, IT’S TRUE, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, SEEING THIS, HEARING THIS, WHATEVER

I’M SCARED TO BE ALONE, DON’T WANNA BE BY MYSELF

THIS POEM DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE BUT THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP

I DON’T MEAN TO USE SWEAR WORDS, 

BUT THIS IS THE WORLD I GOTTA TELL, HURRY UP

I’M IN A LIVING HELL

I’M SORRY

YOU’RE STRESSED AROUND THIS HOUSE? DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?

DO YOU KNOW EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE TO ME KEEPS ME UP AT NIGHT

WHEN I WAKE UP I HAVE NO REASON TO STAND

MY SORE BODY YOU REFUSE TO GET ME MOBILITY AIDS FOR IS MAKING ME LOSE MY ABSOLUTE SHIT 

BECAUSE STANDING IS HELL, LET ALONE WALKING THROUGH A WHOLE SCHOOL

ALL BECAUSE YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME 

AND IF YOU READ THIS POEM WHICH I PRAY TO GOD YOU NEVER DO

I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW AFTER 14 YEARS JUST HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

I’M LOSING COHERENCE, I’VE BEEN MANIC FOR SO LONG

I NEEDED TO VENT THIS OUT SOMEWHERE, AND I NEED SERIOUS HELP THAT SHE WON’T GET ME 

PLEASE DON’T SAY ANYTHING, BECAUSE ALL SHE’LL DO IS MAKE MY LIFE WORSE

I KNOW IT’S FOR THE BEST BUT MY HEALTH IS DETERIORATING

I’M SCARED BECAUSE THE NEXT FIGHT WILL BE VIOLENT

INSTEAD OF SCREAMING AND MOCKING I’M GENUINELY TERRIFIED

I’M SORRY TO DUMP ALL THIS ON YOU, BUT I’M ANGRY AND I CAN’T BOTTLE IT UP ANYMORE, OR I’LL TAKE IT OUT ON MYSELF LIKE I DO EVERY TIME YOU HURT ME BECAUSE I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO PLACE MY RAGE 

MY ROOM WAS MY SANCTUARY, MY PRIVATE SPACE

AND NOW I FEEL UNSAFE

I NEED TO BE SAVED

I AM A NAMELESS ANGEL, WITHOUT A FACE

MISPLACE MY ANGER, THERE’S NO CURE TO THIS SICKNESS, 

I HAVE SECURED MY OWN FATE

GOTTA FIND SOMEONE TO HURT EMOTIONALLY TO GET OUT ALL THIS RAGE

PARDON ME WHILE I FOLLOW THE PATH OF BLOOD TIL I’M SATED