intrawars

[intrawars]

Every place you walked you left a ghost, And I have been collecting souls and sadness In these hollow hands for as long as I can remember. Picking up the pieces of these memories that won’t Stop haunting me, so I can put these thoughts to rest. Goodbye is supposed to be temporary. But temporary is a long time, When you learn to count the seconds in a year. Loss is not something you learn, and time with someone Is something you earn. All this, is worth it. You cannot make nothing into something. You cannot undo what has already been done. We are not now that strength which in olden days we once were steel tempered hearts, gilded in memory, Fractured by time and fate, that which we are, we are Weary. Spread a little too thin. Clicking back and forth between night and day: Black, purple, and blue, the sky sings of the bruises On our arms. The calluses on our fingertips The only way to grow a thicker skin is to lose your sense of touch I wish, I wish I could remember what it was like to touch you. My lungs feel heavier. My shoulders feel heavier. But I’m doing my best to carry this weight. The trees bend ghost arms into the cold, The snow falling as you walk home. I’m always thinking of you. Always chasing your ghosts just to see your smile. Because despite that I still think, there is beauty here still In the twilight blue, in the way bruises as they begin to fade Turn butter yellow like the sun rising, what’s important Is that we are still trying. The leaves will come again, The rain will fall, and best of all, goodbye is only temporary.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Wish You Were Here (via impressionistes)

[intrawars]

Glass, Blood, Gold by KelleyAnn Elyse

“ -I will not dull my razors to save wrists that aren’t my own.“ 

 A debut poetry collection about the fine line between selflessness and self-sacrifice, selfishness and self-preservation.

Purchase here or on Amazon 

[intrawars]

Tell me about the lonely nights: We’re so indulgent in our Wine-colored misery and champagne-colored loneliness, I want to know you. I want to know, Every line in your palm And memorize the Highway divide of your Lovely wrists; your skin And flowering veins the Color of the blue moon. I want to be that open road. Temporal. Endless. Free.

Road Map, KelleyAnn Elyse

[intrawars]

But god, when will I ever stop being so tired?

KelleyAnn Elyse, Nostalgia: Revisited Snippets From My Journal 2014-Present

[intrawars]

I am learning to be fiercely unapologetic for who I am despite the ease with which I lean towards the opposite. I am all these things - the art, the history of it, the poems - this is how I bleed. And I will continue. No longer will I limit myself, I will bleed. Even if no one hears, Even if no one sees.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Nostalgia: Revisited Snippets from My Journal 2014-present

[intrawars]

Always the thought of wildflowers, Springing up in my ribcage Whenever your name is spoken. May. A wild month. May. Nature running its course. May. May. Mae. I think from afar I always Observed your secret quiet. I think I always assumed That while both of us had seen The uglier sides of the AM Lonely and more white than black, I think I always assumed There was this glass wall between us. That I’ve been looking in, Looking at you like you were The other side of a mirror But the first time you said, “Hey –” I wanted to reach you I wanted to reach through That little bright phone screen White in the white of the uglier side of the AM I wanted to reach across the miles May I please? May I call you? May I see you? Mae, I see you. And I’m here. If you need me, use me. And maybe that’s just the thing Maybe you don’t need me, Maybe I need you, because you have me And I don’t know And I won’t know for certain, All I know for certain is that In the short time I’ve had the absolute Honor of calling you my friend I’ve wanted you to know that You mean something to me. You mean something to me.

KelleyAnn Elyse, A Grief Observed / For When You Feel Like a Mess

[intrawars]

I am writing because I don't know how else to reach you.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Nostalgia: Revisited Snippets from My Journal 2014-present

[intrawars]

Gospels 4:9 Fix broken nights with water: Water, to drown out the whiskey you’ve been sipping dearest,  too far gone without your Smiles, without our little fingers hooked together. I’ve been missing the moon. That hollow Crescent of your soft throat, I’ve been missing. Gospels 4:10 I push pen to paper, harder, harder Begging all the words to spill just like they used to - how can I have so much to say and not know what to say - (Should I tell you ?) - I’ve marked our sacred book lovingly annotated, turn the pages, please. You’ve always been the softest part of me Turn the page I miss you. No, no that’s not just it. I love you. God no, you’ve heard that a thousand times. How about, The rain falls in the midwest somewhere where a wheat field stretches, rippling in the wind like waves on that open sea. And grain by grain we come alive again. How about, The ocean begs for another inch, so slowly I’m giving myself to salt -  all the blood, sweat, tears. The moon still turns, the sun still burns, the shadow falls between the stopped clocks all over city, the ticking stops. How about, The air in my throat expands until doesn’t feel like breathing, it feels more like drowning. My ribs are cracked wide open, all of them, all, a chest growing wildflowers. Does anyone see that? I’m sitting at a coffee shop, untouched cappuccino, bone dry. And here my chest, it spills wildflowers (can’t you see?) 9 weeks starts to look like the barrel of a gun and you say, “Put the safety on.”

KelleyAnn Elyse, I Don’t Know What to Say Anymore

[intrawars]

I don't ask for much but I'm asking for you.

kelleyann elyse, Nostalgia: Revisited Snippets from My Journal 2014-present

[intrawars]

THE MIRROR SPEAKS: “My twin, my sister, my other half They say you are too kind They say you care too much.” —So teach me to be sharp, “Here is how to turn yourself inside out.” —I know this already. I have done this. “Here is how to sharpen your bones You are steel - folded over and over Sevenfold you are stronger, keener Make yourself a razor, a knife Here is how you become.” —I know this already. I have done this. My twin, my sister, my other half They will say you are too harsh They will say you are too cruel. “Perhaps they will.” —Protect me from what I want Protect me from what I am Too soft, too nostalgic, too self-sacrificing. Protect me from myself - from caring too much. I cannot help it if they cut themselves on my Edges too. My hands are shaking I will not put out my eyes I will not be blind. —I will not dull my razors to save wrists that aren’t my own.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Gemini Rising

[intrawars]

You keep my heart ‘twixt your teeth For when emptiness gnaws at you, & I tremble to think of the months Gone by since the last time I cut My fingertips on the planes of Your cheekbones. Since the last flutter of breath, of bird wings beating at the cages in our chests

KelleyAnn Elyse, Vice

[intrawars]

There are days when I don’t feel anything There are days when I feel entirely too much There is an ocean lapping at your heart, Darkness patiently waiting to swallow, There are no rip tides here. No life rings. No saviors. Salt isn’t holy. Salt is nothing but salt, in your ocean In your rivers tracing your cheekbones High running low - sharp, polluted, convoluted. Convulsions of your heart, of your throat, Of your heart getting stuck in your throat I cannot breathe easy, You are everywhere and nowhere near A stranger on the bus smelled like you today Your shampoo, or your cologne, or your Laundry detergent. I’m stuck in your Spin cycle. I’m lost in the wash...

KelleyAnn Elyse, An Unfinished Litany 

[intrawars]

You have a fairytale Dark of the woods Growing in your heart You are a wildfire girl With a forest in your veins Ready to be used for the kindling.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Monsters Are So Very Real

[intrawars]

I have a cathedral heart Chambers hollow, rising, gasping Ribs begging you to look up In my eyes,  that's how you'll make a believer of me yet when you say we'll be alright.

KelleyAnn Elyse, The Gods Are Listening But They Do Not Speak

[intrawars]

I'd like to pretend I'm the red string Connecting all the points On all the maps you'd ever own. I thought losing you would kill me but I'm still here and I'm still Breathing. I still love you. And maybe one day, when I have  Gone to rust and ash, you'll still Be walking museum hallways Searching for me. And maybe one day, they'll find All my letters to you And pin them out on display Like exotic butterflies, wings spread Stopped mid-flight, lost in the mail And maybe one day, when they see this poem All you see is a mirror.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Red String Theory

[intrawars]

You can go ahead and kiss me  With your mouth full of blood - It's okay I think I don't mind, how much you spilled in my name

KelleyAnn Elyse, Kitchen Knife

[intrawars]

I know that I have a tendency to make mountains Out of molehills- but mostly these days I'm Just trying not to fall down ravines I know I have to learn to stop making apologies When I have nothing to be sorry for So I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you I'm finding it harder to make the time these days so You say don't be stupid. You remind me that all we have right now, This now, here, no matter where it is, All we have is time. So make it. Don't worry about catching me or anyone else, you say Just use your hands again - sometimes You have to stare at walls. To draw up blanks. You have to  Let yourself fall before you can pick yourself up again Sometimes you have commit ink to paper and whether what comes  Out is word or line, shape, and shadow, know that I will love you Because I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you That I'm still listening for your poems That every time my hands hesitate with a brush What comes next is just a stroke of luck. I cannot make clocks run backwards but That doesn't mean I can't give you some time.

KelleyAnn Elyse, Say Anything