insteadofwritingmythesis

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Hello strangers on the internet! Here i am again with a new thesis i am not writing. Last time at least i had some kind of desire to finish it, or do a decent job. But this time is different. This time i begged my supervisor to fail me from the class so i wouldn't have to write anymore. But to my unluck; she is very supportive and full of faith. So she gave me more time to write it. And i wasted all my time. And i don't regret it. Even though everyone around me has this unlimited trust for my potentiel. I dont. But they do.

I am tired man. I didn't even start my life and i am tired. I don't want to exit anymore. I don't have any desire or excitement. Only thing that keeps me alive the fear of death. I fucking hate everyone. And this is bad beacuse what kept me going all this year was to yearning for approval of other people, strong people, smart people, other people. Now i hate everyone and there are no reason for me keep going.

I mean i will keep going. I wil not enjoy it but what else i can do ?

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

I actually write this couple months ago and when read it just now i couldn't figure out who was this about. It was funny, how i was trying to be little detective "WHO IS THIS MAN ?".

Towards the end i got it. Thanks to the some clues i left out (Thank you past me). Couple months ago i was begging (secretly) this man (that i only knew 2 month (that's why he didn't remember my name)) for his crumb's of attention and now i don't even remember him.

Don't get me wrong he is still intresting and i am still curious about him. But it is what it is. It is in the past now. Now it's time to get obsessed with new and different men.

I want to talk to you. I want to learn your opinion about everything. The birds. Pavement, world, words, books and every little shit.

I want you to hear me, and listen to me. I am begging you, find me interesting. Even though i am having hard time talking please listen to me. Be patient with me, wait for me. Let me hear end of my sentence.

And i am begging you please remember my name. And time to time use it. Call my name as much as i call your name.

I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about dinasours and the snails i saw on the side of the road, i want to tell you about the new thing i learned, i want to talk to you about weathers and cats and if you don't like cats lets talk about your childhood.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

I want to talk to you. I want to learn your opinion about everything. The birds. Pavement, world, words, books and every little shit.

I want you to hear me, and listen to me. I am begging you, find me interesting. Even though i am having hard time talking please listen to me. Be patient with me, wait for me. Let me hear end of my sentence.

And i am begging you please remember my name. And time to time use it. Call my name as much as i call your name.

I want to talk to you. I want to talk to you about dinasours and the snails i saw on the side of the road, i want to tell you about the new thing i learned, i want to talk to you about weathers and cats and if you don't like cats lets talk about your childhood.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Bana bakan insanlar parlak bir gelecek görüyorlar,

Biliyorum.

Ama ben bir gelecek göremiyorum,

.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Unfortunstely relatable

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Muz ve Kahve

Muz ve kahve al marketten. Yumurtayı unut, sütü unut, ekmeği unut. Muz ve kahve al; küflensinler tezgahın bir köşesinde.

Ananemin acıları domatesten eski mi ?

Muz ve kahve evimize ne zaman geldi? Kimse sordu mu nasıl geldi, temiz mi kirli mi, üstündeki kan lekesi mi ? Ben sormadım, daha da sormam.

Muz ve kahve al marketten. Önüne, arkasına, son tüketim tarihine bakma. Bana bak.

- Gabriel Garcia Marquez-Yüzyıllık Yalnızlık ve Alexa Hagerty- Still Life with Bones kitaplarından etkilenerek yazılmıştır.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Hello dear, I am Hala, a mother of four children from Gaza. We live in difficult circumstances in Gaza. Our dreams and future have been shattered. Our home has been destroyed and we have been displaced many times. Please donate participate to evacuate my children to their father in Egypt. Thank you.

Vetted by 90-ghost and gaza-evacuation-funds

Let's try to help them

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Please don't ignore! Help Israa and her family! You can make a difference!

Last night, Israa ( @esraayyad14 ) reached out to me telling her situation has made a turn for the worse. Her mother is critically ill and desperately needs treatment.

Israa, her sister Asmaa ( @asmaayyad ), and their family of 8, have been displaced five times and currently reside in the Al-Mawasi area. Al-Mawasi has experienced brutal and relentless attack after attack from the IOF, including a deadly bombing that occurred in a designated “safe zone” just one week ago.

Israa’s account is verified, as is Asmaa’s.

€20,881 / €45,000

We have the opportunity to send this beautiful family a lifeline! Every dollar counts! Please donate and share!

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Hello dear friends! ❤🤍🖤💚

🍉I am Mahmoud Ayyad, a Palestinian from the besieged and destroyed Gaza 😭😭, coming from an extended family of young children, women and elderly people ❤❤ who have been suffering😭😭 for 300 difficult days from an aggressive war.

Our lives are harsh because we lack all the basic necessities of life. Everything has become scarce and unattainable. There is no food, no water, no medicine.

So, I ask you to help me keep my family safe and alive, especially after we had lost all our sources of livelihood.Please do not leave my family to struggle and suffer these difficult days alone. You can support my campaign by donating whatever you can or by sharing my posts to reach others who can help us survive the war to safety and peace. You are helping the lives of many people with your small contribution. Every donation makes a difference in our very difficult lives. But this is a legitimate campaign and has been checked by 90-ghost.

https://gofund.me/31c5cbe3

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Donate!!!!!! Boost!!!!!

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Çiçekçi ve Balıkçı

Bugün bir balıkçının yanından geçtim, önünde çiçekler vardı. Yağmur dinmişti ve hava serindi. Ankara'da akşam saatlerinde gezmenin güzel olduğu bir geceydi. Bir balıkçının önünden geçtim, balık kovalarının yanında çiçek saksıları vardı.

Çiçekleri sevsem de çoğunu tanımıyorum. O yüzden bilmiyorum akşam sefası mıydı, menekşe miydi o önünden geçtiğim çiçekler. Bir anlık güldüğüm bir şaka gibiydi o sahne.

Balıkların zıttı olsa çiçekler olurdu sanki. Su; balık, çiçek; toprak. Acaba o saksılar balıkların kokusundan duydukları mahcubiyeti örtmek için miydi. Ama ne balıklar kötü, ne çiçekler güzel kokuyordu. Sokağın gürültüsü ikisinden de güçlüydü. Aynı günün bir kaç saat öncesinde yürüdüğüm suskun sokaktaki hanımellerinin kokusu daha yoğundu. Bu koku hanımellerinin gücünden miydi yoksa sokağın zayıflığından mıydı yoksa yağmurun bir hediyesi miydi bilmiyorum. Ama çiçeklerin arasında sadece hanımellerini biliyorum ve onları çok seviyorum. Hele kimsenin olmadığı serin bir sokakta hanımeli kokusuyla başbaşaysak mutluluktan delirecek gibi oluyorum.

Sonra yürümeye devam ediyorum, eşimi dostumu soykırımları düşünüyorum, delirmelerim geçiyor. Kendime geliyorum. Kendime geliyorum ve önünde çiçekler olan balıkçıyı düşünüyorum, önündeki çiçekleri satıyor muydu, yanındaki çiçek yığını onun muydu, yoksa bir çiçekçiyle balıkçı yan yana mıydı? Bir çiçekçiyle bir balıkçı yan yana gelse dünya yanar mıydı? Bir balık en güzel nasıl yenirdi? Ben balık pek sevmem, tadını severim ama kılçıklarını sevmem. Ne zaman kılçıklı bir balık yesem gizli saklı ölücem sanarım. Zaten bi kılçıklar bi de cam kırıkları, ikisinden de çok korkarım. Onlar beni öldürse, nasıl öldüğümü insanlara nasıl açıklarım.

Ama bu satırları yazdığım o gece ölmedim. Şapşal sebeplerle gerçekleşen farazi ölümümü de kimseye açıklamam gerekmedi. Ölmediğim gece metrodaydım, yurduma dönüyordum. Çünkü gençtim, param ve vaktim kısıtlıydı, sürekli bi yerlere yetişmeye çalışıyordum. Hala gencim, asla olmayan gücümle koşup duruyorum. Durduğum sıralarda ara ara düüşünüyorum. Doğumu ve ölümü, kılçıkları ve cam kırıklarını, çiçekleri ve balıkları.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Little Singer Boy

You are not here. But i can see your smile through your voice. It is a little bit naughty like little boys that played in the mud. It is desperate like little kittens asking for milk, it is warm like sun in my face in the early morning. It is young and free as if it is your first time falling in love Your love is not mine, but dear it is such a plaesure to watch you grow. We just met, i know you for couple seconds. You are so tiny right now. But i already can see how big and magnificent you are gonna be. Keep singing your songs and keep playing your guitar like you are loosing yourself in the strings of it.

You are not here, i am all alone in this crowded mess. Your voice in my ear, i can hear you smiling. Your love is not mine. But your passion for your work is bigger than all of us. And it is enough for all of us.

Your love is not mine. Your song plays in the playlist. I can hear you smiling.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

and nothing helps, no amount of rest, no green teas, no walks in nature. I bleed on paper and it smells like roses, roses full of thorns, thorns digging into my chest, and I bleed on paper. And the next morning, I find the words too cringe and the roses look like dried blood, clotted into me, heart full of clots. And the night comes again, and you ask me how I am. I tell you nothing helps, not the walks, not the teas, no rest. And I bleed on paper.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The Flesh I Burned

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

Like, we have a potential to be an amazing partners, too bad i am gonna waste it.

I hate that dynamic with someone where like oh it would make so much sense for me to like you like romantically but I just don’t

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

"Herkes benden nefret ediyor!

Ve,

Kimse beni sevmek zorunda değil."

Sık sık düştüğüm bir ikilem bu. En küçük hatalarımda iğne batığı gibi doluşur aklıma sesler. Herkesin benden nefret ettiğini tekrar ederim kendime. Herkes, hem de herkes benden nefret ediyor.

Ses karmaşasının içinde bir fısıltı sızar kulağıma; "ve kimse seni sevmek zorunda değil". O fısıltı bütün gürültüyü susturur bir anda. Öküz oturur içime. O minicik fısıltıya hak veririm tüm benliğimle. Nasıl benim insanları sevmemeye hakkım varsa, sebepsiz yere nefret etmeye, tiksinmeye, sıkılmaya yorulmaya hakkım varsa, onların da hakkı var. Zarar vermediği sürece bana, kimin duygularına karışabilirim ki? Ne haddime?

Kimse beni birilerini sevmeye zorlasın istemem, işte bu yüzden kimse beni sevmek zorunda değil, hem de hiç kimse.

[insteadofwritingmythesis]

To all those with compassionate hearts,🇵🇸🍉

I reach out to you today in a moment of extreme need💔. My name is Sami, and I am the father of two young daughters. Since October 7th, we’ve been displaced by the devastating war in Gaza. Every day, we struggle to survive without enough food, water, or a safe place to stay. The danger around us is overwhelming, and we are in desperate need of help.🥀🤍

I humbly ask for your immediate support. Even the smallest donation can make a huge difference and could be the lifeline that saves us from this terrifying reality. I beg you to consider our situation and offer your help before it’s too late.🙏🙏

No contribution is too small; every bit of support can change our lives. Please, act now, because time is running out.❤️🖤🤍💚

With heartfelt gratitude, I thank you for any help you can offer.🥰💖

Donate link to us 🍉

https://gofund.me/107a8322

Lets try to help them