insominaticthoughts

[insominaticthoughts]

is it normal to hate being single?

like having no one i can check in on at any time just to simp over them, to give them gifts and have my mind surrounded by them

what can I do to fix it

[insominaticthoughts]

There's something that hurts about people leaving your life, even when you know it's for the better. When all you wanted was a change, a good one, and they weren't willing to change for you. But you were willing to change for them, you were willing to go "you don't like this, ok I'll stop doing it" but they can't even try to understand doing the same. Maybe this would hurt less if things had always stayed the same, if I hated you just as I had to begin with, but no you showed me a version of you that I grew to love, as a father that I never had. Now that man is gone and I'm left with nothing but the knowledge that he may never come back.

[insominaticthoughts]

There is nothing worse than getting to know someone, to learn to love them, to want them to be a part of your life. Only for them to go and show that all of that was a lie, it was all too good to be true because it was too good to be true. This version of them that up till this point you've gotten to know, is fake, it's a lie meant to make you love them, so that the moment they get what they want they can leave and show their true self. Suddenly they're different, and you crave this version of them that they never were because well they lied, they lied the whole time and you never suspected a thing.

[insominaticthoughts]

Ya know I preach about helping others, about the ability to talk to someone and feel heard, feel like they understand. Yet, I talk to people, and I don't feel heard, I feel like they feel heard, but I don't. Sorry that's a selfish thought, but it's something I need to say out loud. I want to be heard, I want someone to just sit and listen. No one's really willing to do that for me it feels like though. I know if I brought it up people would try and listen, but who am I to ask someone to have to hear about MY problems when they have their own. Idk I guess I just want someone to listen.

[insominaticthoughts]

You ever get extremely anxious over a lack of a response. I do, all the time, and I know it's something I need to confront, but It just sucks. Like currently I'm waiting on a job to get back to me, and it's only been a day, but I've checked my email over 3 times today alone for one email. I know I should be anxious, I genuinely want this job, I'm determined to get it. But should I be this anxiety ridden?

[insominaticthoughts]

These last few months have felt like nothing but failure. It seems like all I've been doing is working and when I'm not working I'm doing school. Either way it's getting me no where cause even despite all that work it feels like my family and I are barely getting by. Most of the time I show up to work for the paycheck but some days it feels like even that's pointless because what's the point of showing up for a paycheck that pays just barely enough and leaves you with nothing. I know I'm not the only one struggling with this either and I think that somehow makes it so much worse.

[insominaticthoughts]

I threw out my makeup, I realized it was causing me to breakout all the time, and for all the effort that I put into it I got nothing out of it other than stressed and being late for work. Sometimes I miss wearing makeup, but then I ask myself, do I really miss wearing makeup, or do I miss feeling like it got me attention, do I miss the makeup or do I miss a version of me that appeared when it was on? I don't need makeup to be that version of myself.

[insominaticthoughts]

I'm so tired of looking for people and being the one to make the first move. At this point I literally just want someone to walk up to me and go "hey you're really pretty, wanna go out sometime?". Like please. I'm so tired of looking and waiting, and looking again.

[insominaticthoughts]

Letting someone go, who has done nothing but made you feel loved, is so fucking hard. Knowing y'all don't have a future together because you have such separate dreams, knowing you have to let that person go, knowing that they've done nothing wrong, it's all you. It hurts, and ya I'll miss the good morning texts, and the goodnight text, the dates, and ya I'm going to have to take time to get over them. But I don't regret letting them go. Staying would've only just hurt us both. But it hurt to let you go.

[insominaticthoughts]

Dear nameless person, if you're embarrassed to be with someone, can you just say that. You don't wanna go out in public with me, you don't wanna meet my friends, you don't wanna meet my family, hell you don't even wanna come to my house. If you're embarrassed by me just say that and let me move on, if you're serious about me then show me, don't just tell me, actions will always speak louder than words and right now your actions hurt more than your words can heal.

[insominaticthoughts]

God right when I think I have everything worked out another problem comes forward. I thought I was getting better, fixing my mental health, building healthy habits, but there's always something else. Something new I need to address, something I need to reflect on. Another way I feel that I need to fix myself because if I don't how can I ever expect to be happy in life? I've fixed myself so many times, looked at my issues and asked "why do I feel this way, how do I stop feeling this way". Yet here I am having to do it all over again, and it's exhausting, some days I truly just wanna let myself fall back into the bad habits, because fixing myself is exhausting.

[insominaticthoughts]

God who was going to tell me that loving someone hurt so much. I feel like I'm on a constant roller coaster, where some days it feels like I'm truly their world, and then some days I question how long we're really going to last. Question of the day tonight, am I the replacement for someone else? Someone you can't have but want to have, so you find someone who looks and sounds like them just to fill the hole they left. Now that you're realizing I can never be them you're starting to back away from me? It's ok I'll love you while I can, cause at least I'll still have you till you're gone.

[insominaticthoughts]

How do you help someone feel better about their mental health? Without feeling drained yourself? How do you stick with them when you feel like staying with them only makes you more drained? Maybe if I just wait it out things will get better, I hope they get better.

[insominaticthoughts]

Thinking or hell even knowing a relationship is coming to an end is a different kind of hurt, like damn I really wanted this one to last, but the signs are there. I'm hopeful that maybe I'm just misreading them, maybe I've been expecting disappointment for so long that I'm just looking for disappointment and so that's all I see. But there's this little voice in the back of my head that's going "it isn't work, you both know it, it's time to just face that".

[insominaticthoughts]

Putting on mascara has been leaving me feeling drained here recently. It feels weird because my mascara makes me feel beautiful, and it makes me happy, and the back of my mind keeps telling me to just give it time, this feeling won't last. But what if it does? I don't want to feel constantly drained.

[insominaticthoughts]

I want everyone to note, that this account is meant to be a healthy way to journal and express toxic or negative emotions. This account in of itself is a healthy coping mechanism, and I recommend everyone find their own, because at the end of the day yes it's normal to be sad, it's normal to want to feel numb, it's normal to feel human emotions. That's part of being human, but you can't let it control you or your life. You can't let it stop you from living and loving life and you can't let it keep you apart from others.

Here are some things that I've found work for me:

Journaling, again this account is my journal.

Meditation, taking time to simply breathe and focus only on breathing can really help destress.

Cutting off social media, I love tiktok and Instagram as much as the next person but cutting off toxic platforms or even doing something as simple as selecting "not interested" on negative videos and limiting your time on these apps can really help.

Exercise, going on a 15-30 min walk when you feel your emotions may be overwhelming. If walking isn't your thing try lifting weights, it makes you feel good about yourself and gives you a safe space to let out anger.

Setting up a good sleep schedule, this one was hard for me. I'm an insomniaic, it's hard for me to fall asleep and stay asleep, but I still set up the sleep setting on my phone. Made it to where I couldn't open certain apps after certain times, and have learned that in that last hour before I go to sleep, to avoid my phone and any blue light screens. I've found reading a book before bed will put me to sleep quicker than any medication.

These are just things that have helped me, they're not meant to be an end all solution, and they're not going to work for everyone. Of course if you do feel suicidal as a result of these negative feelings, reach out to someone, ask for help, I know thats easier said than done. But trust me no one wants to see you gone. Don't abuse substances either, whether that be a medication you take or something like weed to cope with your feelings, as much as I hate to say it, we as humans need to actually live and experience our feelings to get better at dealing with them. Putting them off will only make things worse. Stay safe.

[insominaticthoughts]

Warning Shot

It was only supposed to be a warning shot.

Steve Harrington found himself staring face first into the barrel of a gun, held by none other than Nancy Wheeler — his girlfriend.

Said girlfriend was shouting at him, while Jonathan Byers stood at her side with matching bandages on their hands, the boy looking just as shocked as Steve. His voice echoing around them and getting lost in Nancy’s booming voice, a side he never saw from the girl that he fell head over heels with. Steve could only hold his hands up in a surrendering gesture, he was officially freaking out.

It was chaos. Steve didn’t even know what to think, he arrived with the intent to figure out what was going on with the two of them, Tommy and Carols voices taunting him in his head that something was going on. But this? He was being screamed at, demanding he’d leave and get out of the Byers residence, while Christmas lights were flickering on the wall with an alphabet drawn into it; he felt like he was having a fever dream.

Until the walls started to tremble and shake, Nancy’s voice got desperate and in a panic at Steve’s insistence to know what the hell was going on, he just wouldn’t leave. Jonathan’s panic at the escalation and the added pressure of Steve being in the midst of their plan, making everything go astray. Nancy had to do something to get Steve to leave, she felt herself building in pressure and like a rubber band; she snapped.

Just as the roof was being sunken in and the lights bursting, a loud BANG! rung through the living room and it all went silent…

Steve felt like his ears burst and could only hear ringing as he stared at Nancy. It was like things were in slow motion and his brain didn’t catch up to what just happened until he felt a burning sharp pain in his right hand and turned his head to see a hole in the middle of his palm. That’s when it all set in and realised what the fuck just happened.

He hears both Nancy’s and Jonathan’s voices.

“It was only supposed to be a warning shot. I-It, I…I aimed above I swear. I didn’t mean to.”

“What did you just do?! You shot him! You actually shot him, whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck—”

Steve finally felt everything coming back and clear as the ringing subsided, the adrenaline wearing off and he truly feels the agony and pain in his hand. There is a hole in his hand. In the middle of his palm.

There is a fucking hole in his hand.

And Nancy Wheeler, his girlfriend was the cause of it. Pretty sure it was Ex-Girlfriend now.

He hears the two teenagers shouting in panic and stress, while Steve checked out, only feeling blood pooling out from his wound down his arms and off his elbow. So he releases his hands from the air and cradles his injured hand with his other one, it hurt but his mind was somewhere else and everything seemed to collapse on itself. In his mind and currently in the Byers living room. However, he had a rude awakening as he felt Jonathan call out his name like trying not to spook a wild animal that’s been injured. His name was soft and gentle on his lips. Steve could see the desperation and panic in his eyes, like they were running out of time.

And they were. They were given a moment of peace until hell broke loose again. Only this time, the roof does sink in on itself, with a monster phasing through it and Steve was right under it. He could only look up and see what appears to be a claw, almost puncturing through the roof like it was made out of flesh and stretched skin.

Jonathan didn’t waste a second, discarding the initial plan to coax Steve into safety, they ran out of time; so he lunges for Steve. Grabbing his uninjured arm, tugging him and both jumping over the bear trap and to the room with Nancy ahead, opening the door for both boys and her last, locking it and standing guard.

Steve was walked to the bed and Jonathan sat him down. He had to find something to bandage Steve’s wound, which felt fruitless because there was no medical supplies in this room. So he figured the next best thing is a thin layered shirt that he can tear up and use as a makeshift bandage. It seemed like luck was on his side because he found exactly that. It was a disposable shirt too, it wouldn’t be missed, so he got to work. He had to act fast, he could hear the monster finally break through and its heavy body hit the living room floor. He kneels down in front of Steve and sees the other boy holding his injured hand and trembling. He coaches Steve through it and tells him it’s going to be okay, that it’ll hurt but that he’s here. Maybe it was also to get himself together too. He’s not leaving. As scared as he is, Jonathan knew the monster smelt their blood and now Steve’s fresh flesh wound, he didn’t want it to get any worse than it already is.

They had a plan. It’s all gone to shit and haywire.

Now, they just need to figure out how to trap the bastard and keep it from the others. They can still do this, they need to do this.

Jonathan looks at his handy work and deems is satisfactory for now and turns towards Nancy, meeting her eyes, he sees her guarded, her eyes were stormy and face littered in a ripple of emotions. But it seems like she also has the same conclusion, get it together and focus on the plan; no matter if it’s skewed and ruined.

So, she meets Jonathan’s gaze. She doesn’t even have it in her to look at Steve. Her boyfriend. The boy she shot.

They can still execute in the next phase. They just need Steve to be hidden in a secure place, away from danger.

Away from Nancy and her gun. Which was unsaid but it was spoken in her mind.

Nancy nods, standing guard and Jonathan nods in return. Standing up to guide Steve to a wardrobe, taking everything out and placing him in. Jonathan didn’t feel any resistance, he can clearly tell Steve is still in shock and internally dissociating. He notices that far-away look and how pliant he was with being essentially manhandled into the wooden wardrobe. Sitting him down, Jonathan can only offer a few words of reassurance and telling the older boy they’ll be back for him when it’s over. He wasn’t able to wait for a response as Nancy signals Jonathan and Steve feels the sense of safety and warmth leave his space. A feeling he’d never thought associating with Jonathan, it was new but he couldn’t help but feel his lingering touches, gentle yet firm.

He doesn’t even notice the wardrobe doors close and all he knows next is darkness and being left alone with his thoughts. He can’t help but think back to his and Jonathan’s spat, how Steve taunted him and called him names, said awful things about his family and yet…the younger boy grabbed him and took his hand into safety and out of danger without a second thought. He can’t help but also think about how in their fight, or well, Steve’s beat-down, how Jonathan being on top of him sparked a feeling that felt dangerous and unknown, yet familiar. How he straddled his hips and felt his hands on him and like moments ago, instead of his touch hurting, he was gentle and kind. He felt butterflies in his stomach. It made Steve and his entire world go into turmoil and it seems like he’s come to two conclusions tonight:

Monsters are real.

He’s pretty sure he’s having a Queer awakening.

He didn’t have time to dwell more in the closet, haha, because the sound of gunshots, the sound of like a banshee screeching, Nancy’s voice and Jonathan’s grunts could be heard; Steve had to get out.

So he does.

Steve breaks out of his hiding spot and opens the door, he rushes to the scene of commotion and sees Jonathan pinned down by the monster, which looked to be made out of flesh, its mouth opens like a flower with petals that has razor sharp teeth inside — all wanting to bite into Jonathan’s face as the boy tries to fight against it. Nancy fired shots but it seems to not deterrent the monster, not even bothering it and she seemed frozen and unsure what to do next.

Enter Steve who spots the nailed bat, so he leaps over the bear trap again, grabbing the nail bat and as the adrenaline fills his entire being once again; he doesn’t even feel the pain as he grips the bat in a death grip. He gets close enough and shouts at the ugly bastard. He gains its attention and it screeches at him, now smelling the fresh blood from Steve’s hand and detached itself from Jonathan. It stood and towered over Steve but Steve didn’t feel anything but anger, rage, the instinct to protect and keep them safe.

He twirls the bat to get a better grip and positions himself into a stance to fully swing at the monster, using all his strength and power, he hoped playing baseball for a while payed off.

So he swung, the monster staggering and Steve was hitting blow after blow and that’s when Nancy and Jonathan recoup to see Steve backing the hideous creature into the bear trap. It was working.

Holy shit, it was working.

Steve knew it fell into the trap as it screeched in a guttural scream that he hasn’t heard before.

That’s when he hears Jonathan’s voice shouting at him to stand back and he sees the boy throw a lit lighter into the gasoline which Steve didn’t even notice until it was engulfing the floor and racing towards the trap. Eventually engulfing the creature and the three teens watch as the creature screamed, tried to break free of the trap and even tears off its leg to escape.

Nancy was caught off guard at the unexpected movement and backed away and tugged Jonathan back with her. Eyes trained on it as it advances towards them but then Steve, Steve being the reckless idiot he was, uses the last of his strength and takes only a few strides and twists his body, elbows up and shoulders squared; his feet planted and he swings.

The nails pierced the monsters head before the rest of the bat followed, connecting with the head ripping it clean off its shoulders. The screeching stopped at its decapitation and only the sound of fire burning its flesh remain and the flicker of the lights finally stop and the room stopped feeling like it was going through an earthquake. They stare at the monsters corpse and sees it disintegrating under the flames, taking the heat with it and only leaving scorch marks behind.

Everything was still.

It was over.

Or was it?

TBC…