insidethemindofstoneja

[insidethemindofstoneja]

To be taken as some sort of joke....

So funny today, life is about to change. I CANNOT WAIT!

I deserve this. 10000000000%

FUCK ANYONE SAYING OTHERWISE!

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Thursday. 3 daze before 8 completes itself.

A leap year? Ah......

Those that travel will be appearing mo and mo, as if I'm new. LOL

This journey getting me back to me, myself and I has been a circus type of feeling. The Merry go rounds, carousels, ferris wheels, all gave me the same uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach almost as if I was going to throw up.

Finally came to terms with my eating disorder and made so much progress with combatting the urge to go back to my old ways.

No snickers necessary. Cant put an AD on here can we now?

Anyways, I am blessed.

Moving on, HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

[insidethemindofstoneja]

I said we'd do a scene at my job now I'm thinking hard as shit like its... now or never.

Gotta put that in times 3 plus some fr

[insidethemindofstoneja]

11/29/3033

The feelings people will try to expand on in hindsight is truly a laughing matter rather than a short-lived one.

I think I truly think too far ahead for not even my own liking it is truly something I cannot fathom at times I have to let my mind just go.......elsewhere. Or else I'll explode. I do not think the imagination can understand that to say the least. If the most lightest heart is in fact a bomb, I wonder when it gains real water weight what may occur. Definitely eclipse vibes but more....gruesome. Unimaginably terrifying. I dont like people but I DO LOVE MY FAMILY.

Life is like a box of chocolate, just not from Walmart. More like swaggmart.

I'm peachy though, no real ragrets; just a bunch of late tests I'm about to start turning in...... better late than never I suppose in terms of getting this all together.

But it has been a fucking journey I can say the least, I'm ready for round 2.

Talking bout a humiliation kink. boy fuq u

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Passion. Understanding!

Damn life and its trials and tribulations. Full circle moments are like EUREKA!

But then I find myself chronically bored, doing the same thing I used to do just to do it. I need new everything.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Heavy South Node energy; but why?

Considering, how I have always SHOWN up.... I dont understand but I do get the not putting my needs AT THE VERY TOP of my list.

That goes for eating. I need to gather myself and take my time.

I am not in a rush, but I can move as if I am. It's hard to shake the excess energy off at times I am re-teaching myself the value of good time wasting hobbies verses wasting time going/talking in circles.

Saturn has dragged me literally through every ring of shame there is.

It's only up from here. I cannot and will not allow my life to be washed away with a shot of tequila.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

I had a moment of overwhelming emotions yesterday

I saw a woman on my way to work, extremely high. Which reminded me of my cousin for a few reasons. Overheard her conversation with the person she was with mentioning her daughter. Immediately I began to think about my cousin. It brought me to tears, I will never fully be at peace with Zhanea's death but I felt so bad for her. Some people are desperately in need of help and cannot do anything but feed the voice thats killing them. God bless her and her kids I hope that woman gets the help she needs.

Furthermore, these moments of grief I *HAVE* to let roll out instead of internalizing because the more I keep this inside the angier I become towards the world... and it's not everyones fault.

Waves of grief come and go, let it ride.

Why do I feel inferior for crying? I dont know.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If i

ever needed a reason to go harder/....

it just came like a Fedex priority

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Trials & Tribulations

One thing my 20s has taught me versus my teens is, Life is what you make it given your circumstances (outside of the current situation unraveling...)

Alot of people become hellbent on what happened to them, they re-live the same terror because their not ready to move forward/or maybe they still want an answer for "why"

This is why the prayer of Serenity is so vital to finding peace of mind WITHIN YOURSELF.

Not your family, not your MOMMA, not your DADDY can provide that for you. No matter how much they console, comfort, subdue anything.

You have to look within.

For me, my shadow work has been so intense, it's like another form of purging but like skin.... as I work out in the gym I CAN literally feel my nerves in certain parts of my body like... I like it.

It's exactly what I needed for all this time.

Another thing I've noticed, I dont like speaking unless I've had alcohol.

Before I was never like this but I see what needs to be addressed within that.

All in all I have work to do and I am SOOOOOOOO PUMPED!

\

idc idc idc idc

I love this man

I'm willing to do whatever I need to get anyone out of the way.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

The link ups crazy but then again.... Can I blame them? Should I ?

LIFE is exactly WHAT you make it, certainly after you've been given all the tools you need to navigate this life you either LEARN the lesson sent to you or you will continue to face that lesson over and over and over again

Different people, same lesson, different places, same LESSON, no matter what!

TRIALS & TRIBULATIONS!

What I have noticed in my people, we truly do have a tendency to get so use to "the bullshit" one cannot function without it. WHY?

Life does not have to be like that. I want better for my people.

The stinging sensation of humiliation, embarrassment + ridicule should not be something one likes to go thru every so often, after awhile you have to self reflect and ask yourself: Why do I like going through this? Why do I continue to place myself in these scenarios?

After awhile you've got to face the coffee + flowers not smelling pleasant. Self reflect + CHANGE.

That "saying" people dont change smells like HORSE SHIT!

I changed and I refuse to go back to the old me!

Loving yourself first and foremost is a very hard thing to do but

IT IS IMPERATIVE TO YOUR SURVIVAL.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Peace.

I am doing better than I ever thought I would.

Thank you Spirit.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Beauty and the beast it creates

Can engulf you if you aren't equipped to putting fires out when necessary, sometimes leaving shit to blaze is vital to moving forward to the next phase in your life.....

No matter the cost.

[insidethemindofstoneja]

This that, get back era.

FOMO never occurred to me in any instance. Lol I got my own shit to do!

[insidethemindofstoneja]

Life and its auto-pilot of strings.

I've got no hat to pull any tricks out of at this very moment but I do have words of gratitude, and gratefulness due to the understanding I have been learning about..... alot.

Glory be to THEE Spirit that powers my being. Glory to the court of ancestors that watch my every step with protection. I am extremely in awe and sheer gratefulness of being someone worthy for this calling.

Still deeply saddened by my grandfathers journey back to the Homelands, but I can enjoy him being in a better place than he was.

My grandfather would buy me chocolate on Valentines day every year until he got sick,

never will forget the man who saved me from hanging myself in middle school he was my ANGEL! I was blessed with grandparents who actually SAW me for myself ...probably from the moment they saw me wrapped up in that hospital blanket.

I will be okay in due time I will never forget when he asked my grandma was I a night walker one night

My granny said, "Are you crazy?" LMFAO I was going to the club, on a tuesday!

I mean on a MARDIII

[insidethemindofstoneja]

There are truly some people I am so thankful I WILL never have to speak to again.

I had NO idea whatsoever just how much DANGER I constantly placed myself in around this individual who sought "my sisterhood" out for her aesthetic purposes during her "teenage rebellion" phase.

Nothing I couldn't handle BUT I am SOOOOO happy I NEVER have to deal with her or anyone in relation to her ever again!

Anyone using her as a pawn to withdraw emotion from me is not only a fool but a cuck, but I am most certain these lads like being those today. AAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

But anyway,

As I age, every friend I've ever "cherished" that has tried to wrong me in one way or another has no love lost on my heart.

Do not leave your drawing post until the message is very clear for all listening ears.

I love from a distance very well.

12 people board a ship, 6 come back dismembered. The other 6 are headless horsemen looking for their 7th member to re-enact Sweeny Todds first kill.

QUE THE INTO SPINNA!

[insidethemindofstoneja]

4 days before the Full moon in Aries

My grandfather departed from this physical plane, and I am sooo hurt.

Although I knew this was coming, it still feels so awful. I am trying to grieve in a healthy, free-flowing way,

which I am very unfamiliar too.... but I know now that he is at peace. I should be more kind to myself... his final days were so uncomfortable, I did not like seeing him in that VA home.

As quiet as it's kept, he saved me from hanging myself when I was in the 7th grade, I dont remember what caused that days events. But I vividly remember him staying with me until someone came home. I will be okay in due time, it just sucks. Am I thinking about myself more than him? Or am I inserting myself into his pain?

I dont want to overstep my boundary, I just want to make sure he is okay wherever he is. Till we meet again Da love Ne! <3

[insidethemindofstoneja]

I think everything outside of my life's experience is just hilarious.

Especially the eyes watching I didnt first grant authority of doing so.

Which is why things are changing the way they are. I am very transparent probably too transparent but they still cannot do a damn thing, no string can be tugged but for so long on this harp.

As well as it has been kept, I feel like I am seeing glimpses of my past life. I was a selfish person in my last life.......

which is why I have been subject to be such a giving person in this life, I refuse to save face with a stranger because I have to save that for myself.

I am not here to mooch off anyone, I am here to advance my community.

Nor am I here to regulate the unnecessary how/why/when anyone with the "space" I MAY or may not take up.

Whatever happens happens, be ready. Shit is spooky this season fr.

and I dont think I am no brolic type of bitch, my shoulders are just round.

but I really will put the Jesus piece down and square up with anyone.