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“Get his ass” Is so unreasonably funny to me. A huge win for the English language. Today’s version of “seize him” imo

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The #AllLivesMatter degenerates love the two-tier style of justice and complete disregard for children.

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it's really funny how the NYPD perp walked Luigi Mangione as an obvious power play so they could pretend they're badasses but instead they just look like they're leading Jesus to the cross

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I was bleeding out in the snow and it was all cool and stuff until like a bunch of teenager showed up and then It got really cringe so I put all the blood back and went to go bleed out somewhere else but all the good bleed out places were taken so I decided just to die like a natural peaceful death like look overlooking the Cliffside but lo and behold somebody's already fucking dying there against a tree and it looks way sicker than what I had planned I guess I'll just fucking live

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I STEPPED OUTSIDE OF THE FRONT DOOR OF MY OWN HOME ONLY TO FIND THE DEER THAT TRIED TO KICK MY ASS LAST YEAR STANDING RIGHT THERE IN MY FRONT YARD. BOLD AS BRASS.

AM I NOT SAFE ANYWHERE ANYMORE

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Seeing a dom rub at their clothed bulge while telling you it’s all your fault that they got hard is actually one of the hottest things ever I need them to send me a video of that so bad

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its so sweet to me whenever a reconstruction of a neanderthal's face shows up on social media and people are like "oh they would have loved minecraft" "they would have loved weed brownies" it's so sweet. i hope that continues on to the next stage of human evolution. i want whoever comes next to dig me up, reconstruct my face, and for the girlbloggers of this far-flung civilization to go "duuuude she would have loved churfing back a freefing zarbee"

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my partner is only 40 but nestled within him is the soul of an elderly man

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my friend who is sitting in the same room as me just silently emailed me this

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i’m so genuinely lucky to be dumb as hammers. the simplest things bring me joy. i’ve had several fits of passionate laughing out loud today because i can’t stop thinking of the phrase “one william dollars”

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the only reason I go on Reddit now is to find these bad two sentence horror posts. they're great. they're bad. but they're great.

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Collection

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Tired of stories where the author worldbuilds a whole religion only to chicken out at the last moment by making the main character a skeptic. You mean to tell me that there’s all this richness in lore and culture, but you’ve trapped me with the one person in this society who doesn’t care about it? So bland. I could meet an agnostic easily enough by walking down the street, but your story is my one chance to hear the perspective of someone who follows whatever religion you’ve contrived. You made this whole world; convince me that your character really is from there.

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Me in public: (I think I'm doing a good job masking! I'm probably passing off as somewhat neurotypical!)

How I look:

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can I stay in bed until 2025

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