innervationsalongjourneys-blog

[innervationsalongjourneys-blog]

Straight from My Heart!

 - Bhawna Kothari

Because Today I feel like writing, writing my heart out!

18th February, 2016 : Exactly After 6 Years : And I am definitely a Better and Improved version to what I was, Thanks to my Experiences..:-)

I have been writing since long. But today, at this very moment it is something special. I don’t know why, but I am just blarbed with so many emotions and thoughts inside me right here and right now. Becoming closer to our own truth, and then finding the courage and the words to somehow express that truth to us and others, I feel is magical.

I know, I don’t blurt out easily. I might be a social blogger, a by-heart journalist, putting up and talking about a hell of opinions, expressing genuine concern and perspective on each and every issue around. BUT, there is always a BUT! I can’t express what’s there inside. I observe. I understand, I analyse, I empathise, BUT I can’t express what is there inside on the lines of my own thoughts.

Well, life teaches you a lot and RELATIONSHIPS THE MOST. With so many associations in one’s life(with family, friends, cousins, peers, SPECIAL COMMITMENTS) one learns at each single step forward only from her/his own experiences and just as the good is necessary, the not-so-good lessons are crucial too. You learn to grow, to mature, to take things more brave-heartedly, to realise the importance of SELF-WORTH before even asking someone else to realise it for you and to handle things more sensitively and YES I have learned if not completely, then at least some part of it.

18th February – It’s special!

SPECIAL?? Is it because of a special person? YES, it used to be a reason earlier, but now this date has become much more than just being about that person.

This is exactly a date which has taught me new dimensions about relationships in life. This day brought a new feeling. A feeling never explored earlier, it came just like a fresh wind cutting across the window of my heart. The most beautiful, like loving someone who is by your side, I thought once that would be there forever. An altogether new phase!

Time took a toll over us is all what I can say about it. Yes, it was true, forever true with all my heart at every moment(since I am never false with whosoever people are there with me in any association) and then it broke me like anything. Yes, it was the worst phase of my life. I had been too much enthusiastic and innocent in my love, giving it all my force, trying it too hard to hold on, but it all just slipped out in the sand of time.

I felt tired and felt like Giving up. I felt like not standing up again. When tears dried, the strength began to dull in. I had myself never thought that things could take such a bad toll over me and moreover I was frustrated on myself! Losing confidence on my own-self is the worst thing that could ever happen to me

As they say - Self-control and Self-invention is your biggest adventure. Slowly, with my own efforts and with passage of time, things began to happen better with me. I started beginning to re-discover my self. But somewhere I know I would lag if I hold on and will carry on my past with me with a heavy burden. 

With all the courage that I have muttered over the years, I began to feel a release and realize that whatever happened was destined to happen , for something better or rather something GOOD. We definitely were two good souls, true in our own selves. It will be wrong on my part to say that the separation was wrong or right - but definitely it is for a PURPOSE, A purpose for better for both of us. Today I am filled with gratitude, respect , honor, humility , humanity and affection for Him, wishing him the best in life. We cannot be same again and neither be friends , but definitely two good human beings towards each other. That is THE VERY SOUL AND ESSENCE OF HUMANITY.

Thanks to You, Genuinely..:-)

And I feel like empowered, Empowered with power, strength, freedom, love towards my own self, I FEEL WHOLE, CONTENTED, FLYING TOWARDS CAPTURING A DIFFERENT,COMPASSIONATE MEANING OF HUMANITY,LIFE AND LOVE, AND THIS IS MAGICAL, Literally, IT IS. i feel no need to be with someone, loneliness has been completely LOVED BY ME and I am in love with my loneliness and what I am right now. What else can be better in exploring your own self first?  Though I still believe in love. But that love will be different, a love that will satiate my soul, a love that will provide an another WHOLE of me, a love that will define the meanings of LOVE, a love in another form of purity, spirituality and ABOVE ALL THE RIGHTS AND WRONGS OF LIFE! 

I might have many filters, so many layers of protection, that I have built up over the years.  Sometimes it is hard to be exactly who I am.I find this type of vulnerability–being my complete, whole self in all situations– challenging on multiple levels.But even beyond that, just as a human being, living this life with other human beings, it can be difficult to expose the most honest, true parts of ourselves.  The good and the bad.  The proud and the shameful.  The beautiful and the grotesque.Over time, I have learned to slowly box out myself.  We often identify with our story, and the labels that come along with it.  Sometimes we label ourselves, and sometimes others define us.   it becomes harder and harder to allow ourselves to let ourselves out of that box–the box of “stay at home”, the box of “career woman”, the box of “beautiful”, the box of “smart”–whatever boxes we created and occupied and somehow cannot escape.

But what if, instead, we could allow ourselves to just live our experience and speak it out loud?  What if we put the labels to the side for the moment?  What if we weren’t afraid of how others might perceive us, if they really, truly, knew us?  What would it be like to live, not just with our fingers on the pulse of our humanity, but actually holding our beating, bleeding heart out for everyone to see?

I don’t know what that’s like, but I long to know.  It is the transparency, the profound nakedness I will have to strip down all of the layers of my story to someone and will be at the core of what makes me human.

It is only fear that holds me back now, but I am working on it. It is a shattering of the box’s four walls.  Word by word, I am learning how to be angry, how to use my voice, how to defy expectations, how to own my experience, how to find comfort in my skin, how to ask the questions.

How to write, speak, live…straight from the heart! Things are best right now and will be better with a hope that LESSONS HAVE MADE ME BETTER and I will make myself out  a better version of good from my own self..:-)