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Pause..

.. then keep moving forward. Remember, it’s okay to pause.

—-

XOX INKA

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Of Perfection and Happily Ever After

Sunday morning. Chilly. Not my preferred “feel” to be honest. But hey, he makes me warm.

Looking at him, tracing the outline of his face from his forehead, down to his nose bridge, down to his lips and down to his chin. I must have been really good for having a wonderful guy, sleeping beside me in bed

Looking back, it’s been over half a year since that day. The day he started making me smile. The day he started making me “kilig”. The day he started making me feel loved. COUPLE GOALS!

But also, the day he started making me feel scared. Ugh.. couple goals?

Never in my entire life have I been scared because of love - a love so perfect and pure. I’m no princess. He’s no prince. But jfc, I feel like I’m in a fairy tale. Too perfect for me to perceive. Too flawless for me to absorb. Too pure for me to criticize. Then I guess.. COUPLE GOALS!

You might say, “Ha! Don’t tell me you don’t argue. All relationships do.” or “Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Nobody is perfect.” Yes. You are right. We do. But it’s because of those misconceptions that I realized I am in a healthy relationship. The more we face these issues, the more I get invested. There’s nothing wrong investing in a healthy relationship, right? COUPLE GOALS!

We enjoy doing things together. I mean, which couple doesn’t? Our most favorites are cooking, gaming and watching together. Of course, if there’s an uphill, there’s some downhill. But we do enjoy them too - embarrassing each other, pranking one another, teasing each other, annoying one another. It’s endless. The list is endless. But I must say, whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, we enjoy doing it together. COUPLE GOALS!

As much as we enjoy these things together, like other couples, we’ve had struggles and circumstances that were quite difficult to handle for two people who are from two different sides of the globe. We have our differences. We’ve had misunderstandings. Sometimes, anxiety kicked in. Old experiences reappeared. The skeletons in our closet got discovered. Things that we both are afraid for the other person to find out were being slapped in our faces. Well.. couple goals?

Yes. I think it’s a yes. We had these instances wherein we were faced with tests and obstacles. But as time went by, we got to know each other. We got to know how to dig deeper for us to understand how the other person feels. We got to know the importance of the word “partner”.He made me understand what it’s like to have a partner by your side, because if I’m being honest, I’ve never truly had one. And that is why I chose him to be my partner for the rest of my life.

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Found myself..

..astounded. It’s been what? 4 months? 5? But it seems like a very long time already.

Have you ever found yourself looking at photos of him? Looking at his face and just say “God, I’m so lucky!”

I am very lucky, I must say. Tall, good looking, beautiful eyes. Not to mention, he’s a sweet gentleman and a very nice person. Sigh. I must have been nice to deserve a man like him *wink wink*

Have you ever found yourself smiling while watching him?

Have you ever found yourself flying just by the sight of him?

Have you ever found yourself struck by how perfect he is?

I did. Many times. And it will stay that way.

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Tired..

This has to stop, at some point. I’m tired.

And no second chances.

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Drunk words are sober thoughts. Most of the time, this statement is true.

—-

XOX INKA

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To me, you are..

To me, you are a person. You are a person who is capable of living a life. And there's nothing more important to you than life. With that in hand, you became my person.

To me, you are the light. You are the light that wakes me up whenever there are shadows lurking around me. You showed me things that would help me in my everyday struggle. It was hard, but I am delighted you came.

To me, you are the hammer. You are the hammer that strikes my sword. You made me polished. You made me strong. And best of all, you made me brave. There is nothing more perfect to face the world but with bravery and strength. It is a jungle out there. But with you, and by you, this jungle is nothing.

To me, you are the pillow. You are the pillow that secures my dreams. You make me envision things. I don't think about the future, but because of you, I do now.

To me, you are the air. You are the air that fills my lungs. And it is amazing how well you wander on each hole of each lung. You are the reason why I am breathing right now. And you.. You keep me alive.

To me, you are the moon. You are the moon that pulls the water along the shore. You pull me back whenever I go beyond my limits. And you let me be ahead of you to explore.

To me, you are you. You are you who enlightens me. You are you who gives me strength. You are you who encourages me. You are you who breathes with me. You are you who guides me. So let me have this opportunity - Thank you.

---

XOX INKA

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Sakura

Sitting in front of my desk, facing this vast window, stretching from my left to my farthest right.

Sunny. Great. It feels good to actually have my much needed sunlight. The past few days have been dreadful. My bum’s been freezing to death, I must say.

I can smell the coffee of my co-teacher. Oh, how I miss the taste of coffee. Sigh.

Some small, white things fluttering outside. They’re like swaying and dancing as the wind blows them. I try to figure out what these things are. They look so beautiful and magical. Like I just want to run, go outside and be under them.

Ah! Sakura petals! It’s time for them to go.

These sakura are seasonal. They come and go, just for a season. And it sucks because it’s such a short time. Even though you want to see the beauty of these sakura, you just can’t. Because they have to go. It’s a shame because such beauty would be really wonderful to have around all year. They make you feel happy. They make you feel hopeful. They make you feel positive. They make you feel alive. Even for just a short time. You get attached with them for quite a while. And as much as possible, you make good memories with them – take pictures, be with them, watch them. And then you’ll realize, time is precious during this season. After some time, they’re gone. And this is something that can’t be avoided.

 You will meet some “sakura” in your life. They will make you feel happy. They will make you feel hopeful. They will make you feel positive. They will make you feel alive. But only for a short time. Because after some time, they’re gone. And this is something that can’t be avoided.

—-

XOX INKA

�

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How did my past self knew my future self will need THIS, 6 years later?

XOX INKA

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“It feels like I have known you for years..” kind of RELATIONSHIP

It was a rainy afternoon. I had no umbrella. I had no choice but to wait inside the coffee shop. Ordered another round of tea and cookie. And waited..

From afar, I saw a woman - sophisticated and prim. On one of her hands was a cup of coffee - venti. On the other was her bag. I couldn’t forget how she tried to move her head from one side of the room to mine. Eyeing the empty seat in front of me, she started walking.

“Is this seat taken?”

“No. Please.”

Then she smiled.

Her make up was soft. Round eyes. Good posture. Very proper. She opened her bag on her second sip and reached for her phone. After reading a message (I suppose), she smiled. A glow. It was a simple smile, but I felt the impact.

“You saw me smile?”

“I will be honest here. Yes, I did. Boyfriend?” I was curious.

She paused. Smirked. “No.”

“Ah, someone special maybe.” I smiled back.

“Actually..”

That’s how it all started..

“Have you ever been involve with someone that you just met and felt like you have known the person for so long? Like, you just met few days ago but it felt like you met decades ago?”

I listened.

“I have. And it’s one of those great feelings that you would always remember. There would be times that you would check your phone, expecting to see a notif on the messaging app that you use. And times that you would feel very comfortable while talking to him. Mind you, I don’t feel comfortable when I haven’t met the guy. But this one right here, he’s different. A gentleman with quite a naughty side. There would also be times when you’re thinking of this one thing to reply, but he already mentioned it before you could even send. It’s like he could read your mind, 7 hours apart and 6,000 miles away. He would say the right words, the right things. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s saying the words that you want to hear that is why you think you’re hearing the right words. Like, kiss on the forehead or kiss on the cheek. My mind with kiss on the forehead while seeing the word typing.. then, you’d just smile after seeing his answer. It’s like a weird attraction - not bf gf, but not just friends. No label. But you both like each other. And both of you confessed.”

“Why can’t you be together?”

She just smiled.

“There are things that cannot be done. There are also things that cannot be undone.”

There was a long pause after that sentence. I didn’t even notice, her tea (Yes, I was wrong earlier) was already consumed.

“Oh, the rain stopped. Time for me to go. Nice to meet you --”

“Inka.”

“Yes, Inka. Keep yourself dry. Have a nice day.”

Then off she went. I didn’t even get to know her name.

XOX INKA

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I picked up a piece of paper..

It’s Sunday. It’s not a perfect day.. But it’s quite relaxing for me. This is my kind of Sunday.

On my way home, as I was walking, I saw a piece of paper, right in front of my gate. I picked it up, and read one of the most heart-touching letter I’ve ever read..

—

To the man I love at the right moment but at the wrong time,

It’s been a roller coaster ride with you. Fun. Amazing. Entertaining. And most of all? Memorable. The moment is perfect.. But the timing isn’t.

You are such a very nice guy - responsible, sweet, loving and remarkable. You make me smile whenever I’m down. You make me laugh whenever I feel like crying. You make me feel beautiful when I’m at my ugliest. You’re serious around other people, but you know how to play when the cat is not around. And do you know what’s the best personality I saw in you? You show me that certain side of you that you don’t show to other people - that soft side of you. And that made me fall in love more.

Your smile is the best thing to see when problems tried to lurk in my mind. Your eyes are the best to look at when I’m tired from work. Your lips are the best to kiss when I want to forget bad things that already happened. You give me one of the greatest feelings. I just don’t get it. It’s almost perfect. But why isn’t it right? Why can’t we just be together and go on with our lives?

We talk about the past. You learn how I dealt with all the circumstances that I have encountered. I learn about the struggles you have undergone through this thing called life. We were molded by our experiences. And from there, you start talking about our future. You know how much I don’t want to talk about future. But as days go by, months have passed, you made me realize that having a future with you might be worth it.

And then we talk about the present..

This is the hardest. This is the most excruciating part. We fall in love perfectly, but we fall in love at the wrong time. We manage to deal with the hardships and all. And we got through them. But the question is - for how long? Will we be able to surpass all the trials that came up? Will we be able to go through the consequences that appeared, just because we fell in love with each other? I know there will be more - more trials and consequences.

I need to breathe. But I need you to breathe with me. Because if we’re not in this together, then this will not work out.

Sincerely yours, The girl who is hopeful, but helpless.

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One Hundred Ninety

It was a long drive. But she had to attend the wedding. And on her way, she had to pick up a friend in the city.

It was a very hot afternoon in December. Being dressed like that is the least that she wanted with that kind of temperature. But the wedding was too important. She just had to endure all of these for the bride.

He was in the office, trying to focus at work. It was 1:02 in the afternoon. Then his phone beeped. It was her. “The bride is one of my best friends. It’ll be fine. Later, I’ll drop by.” Is she even serious? Is this for real? Will she do it? - endless thoughts lurking in his mind.

The wedding was beautiful. Mary was so happy seeing her best friend at her happiest. It’s like a fairy tale in real life. Reception was more beautiful. It was surreal. She even had the chance to reunite with her long time friends. And to keep the fun time going, Mary was set up to be that single lady who “caught the bouquet”. It was one memorable wedding.

Edward was a bit busy in the office. But he really could not fathom what’s happening. “Is she even serious? I didn't expect this.” At 9:24, his phone beeped. “I’m on my way.” Yes, it was her.

It was still busy, and it was already 10 in the evening. And Mary is not used to that kind of setting. The city has never been her place. She lived there, yes. But at this kind of hour back home, almost everybody is asleep. Then she saw him, walking towards the car. And he smiled. That night was the first time she saw his genuine smile.

Edward leaned over the car window. He eyed on her; surprised on the dress that she was wearing that night. She looked really different in person, he thought. Talking to her on the phone gives him a picture of a very bubbly girl who is so naive and loves to smile a lot. And the very first moment he saw her tonight, she was different. She looked sophisticated, with that hair and make up.

“Hop in.”, she said. Then she smiled. Ah, that smile, he thought.

That night was a memorable one. It was their very first night. And they were just in the car, talking and laughing all night. She was very comfortable with him. She laughed so hard. She talked about her family, her friends, the wedding and a lot more. This was one of those remarkable nights that made me happier, she thought.

She looked really cute when she laughs. He used to hate girls who talk a lot and keep on bugging him about things. But this right here? She’s an exemption. Mary is an exemption. And these things, that he used to hate, made her more likeable to him. Yes, she is very different, he thought.

It was around 4 in the morning when they decided to part ways.

Edward asked for a kiss. Mary gave him, near his lips. And it was their first kiss.

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A Very Random 4.33am

The sound in my room is deafening. The holidays seem to pass by quickly. And I must say, the pillow is doing its job the best way it could possibly get - be huggable for the rest of the night.

The past few months have been a fun ride - bumpy yet amazing. The roads led me to new places that gave me an idea to start a new beginning. And that, I think, keeps me sane. There were sleepless nights. There were fun nights. And there were "blank" nights - in a sense that you're already sleepy, and you're not thinking of anything at all, and you end up sleepless. Dilemma.

Days are going by so fast. I was surprised it's almost May. And yes, it's already summer. I love the way we are living in a fast phase setting right now. But there are moments that I wish time would fly really slow.. Like when I'm with the person that makes me smile & laugh or when I'm eating a toblerone and I only have 2 chips of triangle left. Dilemma.

I've been caught up with things lately, especially with my decision making. And it sucks; I don't even know how to start. I don't even know the things that I have to consider.. Dilemma.

With the weather being perfect and beautiful, and the morning being solemn, and my mind being clear from all the stress - it got me thinking - should I gamble and follow my heart or should I just guard myself and be cautious? Dilemma. This is me, being random.

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You know you care..

Life has taught me things that aren't taught in school. For almost 28 years of existence, I've been through a lot. Who haven't? They said life begins at 40. But as time passes by, life's beginning keeps on starting earlier than the usual. We are told to take it easy while we're on our 20s. But being observant and keen the past years I've been, it seems like a lot have struggled during their 20s - physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I, for one, suffered. And because of that, I guarded myself and built tall walls. But we can't deny the fact that someday, some things will change. Those walls stood tall but at some point in my life, I opened the door. I let it in. I wasn't even thinking. I couldn't help it. It's too likeable to not let it through. And then, I start to care.. It's always been balanced - ying & yang, up & down, left & right, black & white. When you get hurt, you fall. But eventually, you get up. And sometimes, somebody is there to help you stand up. Luckily, for me, it's been a fun journey getting up. It feels like ecstasy; it's something new. And I start to care.. This maybe something that happens everyday, but for me, it's something rare. Why? Because I'm starting to care again..

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Have you ever..

..woke up at 3am and felt like peeing, but you're too sleepy to leave the bed? You have no choice. Leave the bed then pee. ..worked so hard but it didn't actually pay off? ..hit your head with your phone while lying down because it slipped off your hand and fell flat on your face? It happened to me. A lot of times. ..ran out of fuel along a neverending road? I haven't. And you suck if that already happened to you. ..read a book and got disappointed when they made it into the big screen? ..been so lazy? ..miss someone so much you couldn't even focus on the things you do? You couldn't even move forward on the jobs that you just have to do. You have some sleepless nights that you're not even aware of the reason. You're not even insomniac! And whenever that person comes into your mind, everything freezes. Everything stops, even time. Impossible, I know. But it does. It can even let you stay in your bed for hours and be unproductive for the rest of the day. What a shame. And yes, I have.

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Of Sleeping Pattern & Decision

For 3 weeks, I haven’t had any decent sleep. And yes, it’s already been 3 weeks ever since.. I have to admit, I think I’m facing my quarter life crisis right now - choices vary, from left to right. The hard part? Deciding on which to pick among “these” choices. Thoughts on simple things: When you are to choose among apple, orange and banana, what would you choose? If you are to choose among cake, sundae, pie or crepe, which would you choose? (I’d choose sundae by the way.) 3 to 4 to more than 4 choices? Hard to decide. Same goes with life. Decision making is harder, when you are faced with too many choices. If you are given with just 2, it’s easier to weigh the pros and cons. But if you are served with a menu of “must-do-with-life-for-future-purposes”, you get stuck with it. And it’s not really that simple. Especially if your heart is involve in the process. Excess: Time check - 1.11am

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Through Time

Inka Chua. December 7, 2011. Villa Escudero.