inefficientdisaster

[inefficientdisaster]

#inthefall

Maybe perhaps fall is my favorite season but it describes myself in it's own unique way.

I've experienced different seasons throughout my life time.

Seasons associated with endings.

Like nature being prepared for the upcoming winter.

How the leaves change colors and fall from the trees.

There is something about the crisp fall breeze that seduces my cognition and revitalizes my spirit.

Maybe it's remembering the good times associated with holidays and family.

Maybe it's remembering falling in love.

When you have nothing but time to reflect on life and the trials and tribulations that brought you where you are today, you tend to revisit situations, feelings, and memories.

The what if's and what could be's can be overwhelming.

I think the hardest part for me is knowing I have to fall apart inorder to bloom again.

Oddly enough so many circumstances surrounding my intricacies in which all correspond to fall.

Falling in love; trying to fall out of love.

Falling apart; falling into place.

Falling asleep, falling into depression.

Maybe this all happened for a reason. Maybe fall is my season to get every down fall that can possibly come my way, and hit me in a dead season so by spring I will be reborn into a new season that will bring all the last seasons down and they will fall at the mercy of my blooms and life will be beautiful again.

Maybe understanding fall took understanding the nature of falling.

#beautifuldisaster2021 #fall #deadseason

[inefficientdisaster]

"To live is to suffer,

To survive is to find some meaning

In the suffering."-Friedrich Nietzche

A client the other day told me something that made me think of this famous quote.

She said that there are things in life that are scarier than death.

It made me question what? What could possibly be scarier than the ending?

She said, "suffering."

This is true.

It was at that moment my client, who was a hospice worker began to show me images of people she had cared for. Elderly and disabled people who have been neglected and left to suffer.

As I stood there agonizing over the pain I was feeling from a broken heart I began to feel selfish.

My pain and suffering emotionally had no comparison of what each of these precious lives had experienced in their last days.

It made me put into even more perspective the lack of love and affection I hadn't received and how I am grieving over a person that I couldn't even grow old with.

As I was looking at the images, I couldn't help but reflect on minor incidents in my past relationship that made me feel comparable.

The lack of love and compassion a soul could have to watch a life perish before their eyes and not feel compelled to offer help.

My weakness was different, the way I was perishing maybe it couldn't had been seen.

But I cried and pleaded and the tears were so common they were always unjustified. The fits were so similar they came out as temper tantrums and not breakdowns so again the cries were unanswered.

The harder I held on the more I lost.

I lost faith.

I lost friends.

I lost me.

I blamed God. I prayed for this man. I played all my cards right and when I finally got him, well, he wasn't what I wanted at all. Instead of feeling like he was the problem I took the responsibility and I started shapeshifting. I let go of my insecurities, my desires and my beliefs. Not realizing, I let go of me. When the day finally came he selfishly walked out the door. He took every part of me because I made him....my happiness, my friend, my love, my faith, my security, my good morning and goodnight. He took every piece of me. It's funny how every ending has a new beginning and a new beginning has a new perspective of the next ending.

#beautifuldisaster