indulginginmysore

[indulginginmysore]

When life lags behind dreams

I’ve spent the last few weeks trying not to let the negative thoughts consume me, trying to shift my outlook from a negative to a positive one. It has been tough, especially when hearing about ongoings in my families’ lives - children/job updates, etc. Most days have been manageable, but today, I woke with an unshakable feeling of impatience. Why aren’t things moving quickly? I’ve checked the box on changing my attitude, where is this famed knight in shining armor? 

Why does it feel like I’m moving through sludge? While it has been nice to get away and focus on myself, I can’t help but wonder when something will change. This is so silly. Logically, I get that things take time, good things come to those who wait, etc. But I’m emotionally restless and need some progress. I want to feel like a real person, a real adult. 

Being here with my mom, aunt and uncle isn’t aiding the cause. I feel like I'm being tended to like a child. I need something to change...I can’t handle this unsettled feeling. Does it ever get better? Do you ever feel less like a child without responsibilities and direction? 

[indulginginmysore]

attached to the attachment

Sitting on the steps in front of the shala and waiting patiently (or more accurately, anxiously) for Sharath to call the 8:30 batch into the lobby (to wait again), I usually try to spend some time with breath work and meditation.  It’s not an impressive amount of time, but it’s something so sue me. 

Today's attempt was an epic fail. Having slept poorly, I wasn't prepared to focus on “finding my center” or whatever cliched impact one normally tries to make. Instead, my mind wandered furiously. It hit me - i’m still attached to elements in my practice; the subject of the attachment has changed but it’s attachment nonetheless. When I do my full practice at MysoreSF, I need my spot - right corner in the front with my trusty wall for Pincha. Here in Mysore, my attachment is to ensuring that I'm one of the first in the 8:30 batch to get into the shala. Why? It’s not like my practice will be different or the assistance I get will be different. I’ll still rally thru sans help til drop backs. I’ll still be woefully late for breakfast but too early for lunch. 

So what is it then? Impatience! As Sharath said yesterday, Indians aren’t patient...guilty as charged. I’m tired of waiting. I’m itching to practice so get me the hell in. Rebuffed twice when Sharath called for “one more," I finally got in the third time. As I hit my mat to practice, I forgot about the urgency to get into the shala, to practice, to not wait. I flowed through each pose without the “delayed start time” impacting my practice. I still enjoyed each breath, each jumpthrough, each jumpback. As I write this post, it’s hitting me - this is a metaphor paralleling my life circumstance.

I’ve long felt totally delayed in terms of starting my real adult life. Everyone else is going into that special room, meeting their SO, having their family. Meanwhile, I’m still sitting on the metaphorical stairs waiting to be beckoned to the lobby. But, everyone has their time. Whether you’re the first, in the middle, or called dead last, you still have your time live your life fully. What a lesson to learn! 

[indulginginmysore]

Can a sistah catch a break?

Less than 24 hours from my second panchakarma in less than 6 months and all I can say is - this had better work out. I want it to work because I need it to work. There is no stronger desire I have than to have children. When you spend years chasing an explanation for your lack or period and another set of years trying to regulate your period, you start to lose faith in things - a higher power, your ability to have that family you so desperately want, etc. You lose faith in yourself.  

I’ve seen a lot of doctors, both allopathic and Eastern. I’ve tried a lot of medicines, again, both allopathic and Eastern. Neither has worked. No one can explain why I’m not ovulating nor why nothing is working to deal with it. No cysts, no unruly facial hair, etc. Nothing really pointing to PCOS minus a missing period. Stop calling it that if that’s the only sign. I’ve lost the excess weight from my childhood. I doubt that I was fat because of PCOS; it was a result of genetics and poor dietary choices. Because there is no answer, I’m willing to try another PK. If it’s supposed to clear the bad stuff, to make way for good stuff, let’s do it. 

Here’s to hoping 8 days of detoxifying and cleansing my body (again) will work! 

[indulginginmysore]

Goals and not in the # sense of it

When a friend recently advised that I come up with goals for myself to accomplish during my month away, I quickly said it was not right for me. I know myself well enough to know it’s not right for me; I can get hyper focused on the goal and get very worked up if I’m unable to accomplish it. It’s not healthy for me. 

I keep using the phrase “for me” because I know it works for others. I know some people need to set specific timelines and have specific measures. While I don’t what to timeline my life, I do want to set some intentions for 2019. 

Being open to love - i’m cringing as I type it...it feels so cheesy. But, alas, I need to throw it out in the ether, in hopes that it brings something back to me. I want this to happen this year - finding that person, that partner with whom I can spend time and foster a meaningful relationship. My heart is open to this in 2019. 

Pursuing a creative hobby - I have spent the last few years looking up but not signing up for some sort of creative class; photography, ceramics, etc. Why haven't I signed up? If I'm being honest with myself, it’s because I’m worried it would distract me from pursuing the more important life partner hunt in which I've been passively dabbling. Should I call my own bluff? Probably. I know it wouldn’t have prevented me from anything. In fact, it would have satisfied some part of me that would have then made me a more viable contender in the dating world. DOH! (or should that be duh? ha!) 

Finding a new job - I’ve been hard core speaking but soft searching for a new job. Enough already. What is the harm in taking a risk and jumping from a comfortable environment? My current one can’t be the only one in which I’m comfortable.  I acknowledge that my learning has stagnated and the only way I can grow and develop is through a new role. I’ve been so afraid losing of all the time, effort, and good will I've cultivated; that I feel I should be rewarded for and not just monetarily. 

All of these are grounded in fear...so maybe my only goal for 2019 should be to stop being afraid. Add that to the list...the top of the list. 

[indulginginmysore]

Searching for a real love

Sometimes you read something that really resonates with you...for me, it was this very uplifting (yes, sarcasm) article about the shitty parts of being single. I’ve long been totally content being alone. I’m an only child whose personality has perpetually been in direct conflict with that of an overly affectionate parent. I like being with people, but need solo time to think. 

Over the last few years, I’ve struggled with loneliness - my daily routine of coming home after work to routine tasks taken on alone; no one to shoot the shit with, to make the mundane redundancies of the workweek more palatable.  Instead, I get night after night of solitude and silence. Well, not really silence, because the TV is always on at my place, giving me company with the constant noise. 

The “things” that stuck out in the article were the bit about not being a priority in others’ lives and about jealousy. The former is something I’ve seen time and time again. You’re mid lamenting about your feeling/circumstances/what have you to someone and they apologize profusely but they have to go because something in their seemingly more adult life is calling urgently (child, overflowing vat of pasta, blah blah blah). Let me start of by saying - stop apologizing. I know I'm not a priority, you know I'm not a priority. Let’s not pretend that your rush to leave is some rare occasion that requires apologizing. This is the state of our relationship now. I don’t need the pity (/your guilt for abandoning me) so please stop. 

Jealousy...I hate this feeling but it has shown up in my life in the last year or so. I’ve never been a jealous person because the logical part of me has always been able to prevail, acknowledging that me feeling bitter about someone else’s “wins” aren’t going to lead to me winning the same thing. It was a wasted emotion. But NOW, it has been my new companion, watching everyone move forward in life and really live their lives as adults - get married, buy a home, have kids. I want to be and am happy for everyone and their adulthood, but with the same level of intensity, I think WTF all the time. When will it be my turn?

For now, I continue to drag myself through my muddy ass life. Is 2019 going to be the year for me? Can 2019 be the year for me? WTF indeed.