imybiggestcritique

[imybiggestcritique]

Sept 4 - Realization and reflection

I can finally admit, I hate you for tearing up those photos. For lying about how you found it, when I didn't even lie about anything about that. You could have just told me to get rid of it, but no you just go around destroying that's not yours. You knew I was a sentimental person, that everything I have means a lot to me, so why did you suddenly did that? You didn't believe me when I told you I don't have any feelings for my ex anymore? Are you really that insecure about yourself? For god's sakes the girl already has a family, and am not even pining for her. I kept those pictures because it's something that made me who I am now. I even have a picture of my highschool friends there, yet I barely know those guys anymore, so why do you even need to do that?

That's a lie, I don't hate you for it. I just don't like what you did, I don't take pictures that much of people, and you know that, but those that I take and those that I keep means a lot to me. Not in a sense that I have feelings for them still, or friends with them still for that matter. It's just it reminds me of the people I interacted with, how each and everyone of them meant something to me at some point in my life, and maybe... just maybe I won't be the person I am today without them. You don't see me wanting to get rid of things your ex brought you right? So what right did you have to actually trash something that you don't own. Just disappointed I guess... it's too childish for me, and I hope you realize that.

Then again... writing this crap is childish too... when will this ever stop?

[imybiggestcritique]

Realist and hopeless romantics

“Every day I think I believe a little less and a little less and a little less... and that sucks...” - Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother)

Yeah... am back...  but first of all I wanna apologize. The whole world is facing a crisis, things are getting worse and yet here I am thinking about these things. I... just wanna get it out of my mind and chest, so please bear with me.

Last night was something, a friend was venting out about a relationship with someone, going about how destiny and fate might have made them crossed paths again just for a chance. Won’t be diving in further about the story, but long story short, things are so unsure with the way things are going and my friend is maybe cracking under the whole pressure of the said relationship(my perspective, dunno if ganon nga talaga). Seeing as this is seriously affecting my friend’s work and health, I said “we simply see what we want to see... that simple coincidences are some sort of fate pulling the strings...”. At first I didn’t think about what I said that much, just want to anchor and maybe ground my friend’s mind cause it’s going places. You know... just want my friend to take a step back and breathe. When said friend agreed and replied “Baka gago ko lang to believe in things”, that was the only time it dawned on me that i said something stupid... and am such a hypocrite to tell ‘em that.

Thing is, it’s fucking stupid for me to say something like that. Didn’t mean it that way... sure I want my friend to take a step back but I didn’t want to knocked  ‘em down and stop believing in things. Nakakatanga lang... I should have thought about more, should have thought about a better way to say it, cause seriously... why the hell am I saying those kind of line when in the first place I also have that side.

Just this week, am going on a melancholic streak by watching videos about Before Trilogy, thinking holy freaking hell I envy that... having this universe work with you just for one whole day(at least on the first two parts). I’m a sucker for that feeling yet here I am... telling my friend that maybe it’s just us... maybe there’s no such thing as fate... sobrang hypocrite... Why the hell did i say that when I’m also craving for the said thing? that connection, that thread of fate that maybe... just maybe this whole thing is happened because it was meant to be.

Back then, I used to just joke around about me being this realist... just a means to stop them from doing this whole fuzzy stuff for me, really don’t know how to react to it, never learned how to deal with it... (I know ang stupid but...). But here I am now... the lie might have become a truth. 

Sorry again for the whole crap... but it just made me think. Maybe this is what I am now, even if I still want to find that connection through all this socmed, dating apps and internet stuff. Maybe that’s all a front... a facade... a lie na maybe there’s someone out there for me. Maybe this is my fate... sobrang paradoxical noh?? 

[imybiggestcritique]

4th bottle in... on the day that I hate...

Well.... it’s D-day again... I hate this day. I was supposed to write about the artist/album that started making me spiral down this week, but good thing I found something to lift me up (story for some other time). Instead of that, I’ll just write about today in general. Specifically, about how I feel today about what I consumed.

Did i tell you that I hate this day? Well... one of the things i decided to try today was streaming. Yeap, the one who tries to stay quite tried streaming hahaha. Well... let’s just say it’s the only activity that I know that might actually start something in me. I was always fascinated about streaming as a “job”. All you have to do is stream a game, be entertaining... accommodating... and be you. Easy right?? well if you won’t take into account the platform to use, streaming software to use, specs of your machine... of course it will look easy. But I was already expecting it to be complicated, that’s why the test run was only streamed with my four best pals(huge thanks to them, they supported that stream like a boss). 

Last thing that I “consumed” today... watching “I wanna eat your pancreas”. If you know me well, I am a sucker for movies that can make you cry, Hell I was avoiding watching this cause it was a long while since I’ve watched something that truly made me cry... I know “GAY!!!” you might say, but as things go on... as life goes on... crying reminds me that I’m normal... Weird right?? Am not good with feelings... as much as possible, I avoid this crap IRL but this movie... it made me tear up. I know... tearing up and crying is two different things, but hell I’ll take that as a win. But honestly... I wanna sob... I wanna cry like a baby...

Last thing that I “consumed”... 4th bottle of a weak alcomix. Didn’t know that 3/2 months of no alcohol on my body can make me this weak to drinking... My head hurts... it’s not really spinning but still...  I thought getting drunk might give this day some kind of significance, but here I am... not even drinking the main liquor and I’m thinking of calling it a day. Pathetic?? maybe... Stupid?? Most probably... Well, this is the only thing i can freaking do right now. Can’t do my usual escape, so this will suffice for now... Even writing this is just some sort of excuse.... So if ever you’ll read this... sorry for wasting your time. And thank you... for caring enough to finish this non nonsensical shit that i wrote, I really appreciate it...

[imybiggestcritique]

“Hey... Let’s write something about that song that I really relate to“

So... its been a while... a really long while. Last time I’m here I had a random urge to write a snippet about the show I really loved(TEOTFW, go watch it!), and now I’m here because of another random urge. To tell you the truth, I have this itch for a while now... but I can’t seem to collect my thoughts properly to write something worth reading.... even if I’m the only one that will probably read it... Whatevs, let’s just get on with it.

THIS SONG... you know that feeling when you just listen to something and say “That’s it! That’s the song” . Well my friends... this is the song... not really the song of my life, but it’s a song on chapters  of my life.

I know... some of you will say “This is a stupid song to relate to” or “You are freaking gay for relating to this song”. But hey... that’s how i feel, I always have this urge when I’m starting to like someone. This freaking thought to put the person on a pedestal like they are something of a higher being, when the fact is I don’t need to do that. I know I don’t need to do that but time and time again, I failed to control myself. Whenever we are starting to get to know deeply, my constant reaction to knowing someone is “WOW, she’s freaking amazing”. Constantly building up this image of the person that i can’t help but feel small and unworthy by the end of it, so I’ll settle for their presence cause apparently that’s enough for me.

After this part comes the most dreadful few days... even a week. I keep having this stupid thought... “It’s almost time, nagsasawa na sya... naweweriduhan na sya”. All this time I’m having this urge not to get caught liking the person... not to give in to the idea that “I wanna be with this person” cause I probably know deep down... “This” isn’t the the real person i was talking to all this time... “This” is just this idea of that person I’ve been building up deep inside this fucked up mind. 

“Wouldn’t it be cruel to give my thoughts to you?” it is... that’s why after that dreadful week... i think na cocondition ko na yung kabobohan ko. I can see from a different perspective most of the time, only problem is do you think I should come clean?? and tell them that f***ed up crap this mind concocted?? I always have that afterthought... but from then on... i think it’s a smooth sailing until that person really leaves. I really think that they don’t need to know that part... cause they might feel guilty for something they didn’t even do. So i stay quite...

So yeah... that’s about it stupid right?? I know... but hey... just thought I should write it, to commemorate how stupid it is...

I'm an overly sensitive Impatient little freak You'd do better to turn your back on me Why do I think these stupid thoughts I want to fight my own advice

Thank you Crywank for this epic song...

[imybiggestcritique]

"It was a fitting end. A doomed love story. A perfect tragedy."

I've fantasized about that... having a tragic life. Dunno if it's just because I've watched too many shows, or my love for sad story, but I think I've romanticize sad stories too much. I know it's crazy but it's kind of the truth. I dunno why, but in a twisted way... I've always wanted to go out like that, maybe my screws are just loose like that.

[imybiggestcritique]

Freedom of expression...

Earlier today... friend an I have a discussion about this... which spawned other topics that’s kinda really fascinating for me...

Freedom of expression in exhibitionism... is it really being sullied by “exhibitionist/web cammers”. (yeah... dunno how our topic got there but am freaking dead tired and bored so... meh...)

With the technology that is in our reach right now... do you guys also think that these “workers” are ruining exhibitionism right now? Friend thinks it really does... because exhibitionism for him is a freedom of expression... an art form, so sullying this freedom expression by having money involved with it... that’s a big flaw in his eyes... I on the other hand... thinks he’s just taking it too personally, my thinking is like this... artist all over the world are doing this... they’re passionate about their art form... be it music, painting, directing but at the same time they are making money from it. Does it ruin their works? obviously no... do they really do it for the money? Some yeah... others... its just a bonus. Was explaining to him that this is kind of the same case. Some are riding the tides yes, but don’t let that ruin things for you. We circled around this topic a bit more but at some point topic was turned...

Elitism... is it just you being an asshole? or at what point does being an ”Elitist” makes you an asshole. Is he an asshole fore being such an “Elite” in this topic and thinking that some people are ruining this for him? Is it right for him to think about them this way? Is elitism even good in any case? or is it just you having your pride and ego too high...

not a bad way to end the weekend eh?? talking about all this stuff... wish we can discuss these topics more as a group sober and on a level mind....

[imybiggestcritique]

WARNING!! RANT

don't usually rant about anything but... I just have to once... sorry bout this in advance...

IF YAR GOING TO RIDE THE MRT!! EFFING GIVE WAY TO THE PEOPLE COMING IN AND DON'T BLOCK THE DANG DOOR!!!

dunno why the hell did I just snapped earlier... maybe am just the side effect of being dead tired all the time...

am not usually the kind of person that confronts people, hell if I can get away before the problem starts I would. But man... this dude earlier... sobrang nakakagago. Ang daming gustong umuwi tapos haharang ka sa pinto?? and yar gonna have the guts to reason out that ya let people out?? how bout those who wants to come in?? oh they can go inside if they want but ya wont move an inch?? tanga ka ba?? pano sila makakapasok sa loob kung nakaharang ka sa pinto?! katwiran pa malapit na daw sya bumaba... gago mas nauna pa nga ako nakababa sayo! ugh... am fucking so close to losing my shit (actually I already did) but the way he talks my dudes... I know its pointless when he started to talk... ugh...

sorry bout this but... just needed to let this one out... will try to contain things like this in the future...

peace out...

[imybiggestcritique]

Ball and chains...

currently having problems moving, currently having problems thinking... everybody is moving along yet here I am getting everything wrong... it's all in my mind I know, doesn't stop it from getting into my bones... history have me locked up, mindset got me in chains... it's my problem... need to be free soon... how??

[imybiggestcritique]

my toxicity in gaming...

I have been playing for ages, from the early era of gen1 consoles up to now. Most of the time I play for fun, to unwind, to escape. Most single player games does the job for me. Playing single player games is like reading a book, you can go on an adventure in your own room. From the medieval times of Final fantasy tactics to the depths of space in No Man's Sky. The feeling it gives me is just too good, win or lose on those games, it doesn't really matter to me cause I'm enjoying as hell. Multiplayer games though... that's a whole other thing. If single player games can feel like reading a book, Multiplayer games can make me feel like I'm in a war. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it. Playing with friends, building up your team, enjoying the victory together, it feels really great... up until you're on the losing side.

You see dunno how and dunno when it started but somehow playing with friends makes me feel like a huge asshole. Dota 2 and LoL... those two games make me feel like I'm in a constant state of rage. And what better way to show rage than to talkshit to your teammates who is just trying to enjoy a game with you. I usually criticized them on the decisions they make during the games however when I snap I usually berate them on their mistakes when I could just play to enjoy. I'm not really a competitive person, hell if it means avoiding the spotlight I'll let you win. but not in those games... there is this weird instict in me that keeps on saying I should win on those games, and I feel like sooner or later it will take it's toll. I don't even know how can they keep their cool playing with me. I'm the most toxic player on our team but somehow they still choose to play with me.

I hate it... that side of me. I really do... I wanna keep my cool whenever I play. I'm trying really hard but somehow things can get the best of me... I hate it when that happens. I'm trying to change, I really am. But this dude is still a huge work in progress...

If you guys can read this... I'm sorry for all the trashtalk and shit. You don't really deserve it. and thanks for putting up with me up unto this point. Here's to hoping I can change my ways with you bros.

[imybiggestcritique]

An old poem

Sa kabila ng matinding pagkabalisa

Sa kabila ng hapit na nadarama

Sa kabila ng bagyong kasalukuyang nananalanta

Bigla parin kitang naalala...

Pumasok kasi bigla sa isip ko yung tagulan nung unang taon natin sa kolehiyo

Yung paglakad natin sa kabila ng matinding bagyo...

Yung matyaga nating paghihintay

Sa kabila ng matinding trapiko

Wala na naman talaga sa akin yun, naalala lang talaga kitang bigla

Pero aaminin ko may parte parin sa akin na nagsasabing kausapin muli kita...

Hindi para makipagkamustahan, makipagbalikan o magsimula ulit sa pagiging magkaibigan

Hihingi lang talaga sana ako ulit patawad

Ewan ko ba, lagpas dalawang taon na simula nung huli kong sinabing patawad

Pero yung konsensya ko... patuloy parin akong binabagabag...

Kaya kung tayo man ay muling magtagpo...

Wala akong ibang gagawin kundi ang magsabi ng patawad sabay yuko...

this was written way back... dunno how long though...

was riding an fx to work when this piece hit me. as soon as I got out of work and got home, I just started typing and boom... this came out... dunno if it's a good thing or not, but at least it's something

[imybiggestcritique]

I hate this song... I used to like this song (like yesterday), but now?? ugh... its stupid, slow and just dumb worst song ever! like what the hell dude?! singing about how it's fine if you like her and you're not going to do anything about it... then at the last minute taking it all back?!?! like fuuuu why can't you just tell her right away?! why wait until the very last chorus?! GROW SOME BACKBONE!!! if not right away, when? seriously need to step up!! this should be the last straw!! LISTEN TO THEM!! STOP THINKING AND JUST START DOING!!!

[imybiggestcritique]

I really don’t know… it always feels like March is the month of endings. Maybe almost 18 years of school programmed my brain to feel that way, maybe not.

The songs here feels make you feel that way… ending… from relationships to events, even to life.

If they’ll let me, I’ll include some of the songs here when that time comes.

[imybiggestcritique]

Half-assed poem

at the age of 7, love is your parent's embrace

it's them taking care of you on your sick days

it's your mother's sacrifice for something you asked

it's your father teaching you lessons that will last.

at the age of 14, love is your friends' company

it's the laughter you make when doing something silly

it's your group getting into trouble but not minding it

it's them helping you get up when you fall on your feet

at the age of 18, love is that someone's smile

it's you and that person, on a bus, talking for miles

it's the going through traffic, knowing it will be worthwhile

it's that dream you have, you and that special one on the aisle

but at the age of 24, love became a chore

it's working 9 to 5, just to ease being bored

it's not giving everything cause you feel it will be all for naught

it's this poem, written about love, but it just feels like not

you see... love will hurt, it has friction, it has death

but it is also an adventurous story, don't give up just yet

so by the age of 27, 28 or whatever

all of this is part of love and so much more, please do remember

[imybiggestcritique]

Dunno...

I’m been planning this for a while now, writing some blog. Letting the internet or the world have a piece of what i think about but i dunno it’s kind of a chore when i think about it sometimes. But since the group chat is starting to get more inactive So is cookie Like hell am posting on facebook So why not here…