imheretoreadafic

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Carol: "Lmao, I can't believe I ever had a crush on you. Cringe."

Bart: "You had a crush on me??"

Carol: "I literally kissed you that one time during baseball???"

Bart: "I thought that was a homie kiss!!"

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WHY WOULD JAMES GUNN MAKE THE LEX PLAYLIST SLAP SO HARD!

I went through Clark's first and was like "huh, well, it's not my usual but it's pretty good. I like the crab part." And then Fame comes on and I'm like " Nonononononono! I'm gonna love the Lex Playlist 😭"

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I have a lot of fave characters that are used as plot devices more than characters and it's insane how they differ from canon to canon. For example, I freaking love Klarion Bleak... unless it's the Young Justice cartoon one. That one freaks me out. But the Batman The Animated Series Klarion is a freaking cutie patootie!! And the Seven Soldiers Klarion is very fascinating and complex.

DC Fanfic Writer: Oof, I haven’t read every single comic about this character… what if everyone thinks I’m a fraud and a fake fan and my fic just sounds ooc and everyone starts Um Actually-ing me in the comments—

DC Comic Writers: Yeah, that seems like something this character would do based upon the brief scroll I took of their wikipedia and the single Elseworlds comic I read in 2006. Let’s make it canon.

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"You mischaracterized this character!!" At least I didn’t make it canon 😜

DC Fanfic Writer: Oof, I haven’t read every single comic about this character… what if everyone thinks I’m a fraud and a fake fan and my fic just sounds ooc and everyone starts Um Actually-ing me in the comments—

DC Comic Writers: Yeah, that seems like something this character would do based upon the brief scroll I took of their wikipedia and the single Elseworlds comic I read in 2006. Let’s make it canon.

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I like the idea of Wally and Bart being able to have a semi-normal cousin relationship.

Someone assumes they're father and son and they both get the same look of pure disgust on their faces. Bart does something stupid and immediately turns to Wally and says "Don't snitch." Wally’s panicking and yells, "I'm 24, Bart, I have to be responsible!" "You're 24 second, my cousin first and good cousins don't snitch!" Bart insists and Wally reluctantly agrees. They go on "walks" at Thanksgiving but instead of weed and trash-talking talking it's running laps across the globe and trash-talking. They end up at 7/11 at 2 in the morning buying slushies because they happened to run into each other while both running to tire themselves out.

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Alfred: "Sir, you need to sleep."

Bruce, slurring his words he's so sleep deprived: "Who died and put you in charge?"

Alfred: "..."

Bruce: "..."

Bruce, bursting into uncontrollable sobbing: "I MISS MY PARENTS!"

Alfred sighing and placing a hand on his shoulder comfortingly: "How about some tea, lad?"

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WAIT IDEA

So, like, Bart, didn't have parents for a good chunk of his childhood (or, well, hie perceived childhood). He had scientists that watch over him and, like, adult npcs but that doesn't count. And when he gets to real life, he's living with Wally and Wally's practically a kid and no one really claims him as their kid for a while. All's that to say, he didn’t have a lot of those traditional parent/child relationship moments.

So imagine the first time he gets his proper name yelled.

It's a few months into living with Max, probably after he meets his mom but before Inertia, and Bart does something stupidly dangerous. Like, juggling knives on a tight rope with no safety harness while blindfolded stupid. But he's fine, and he doesn't get what Max's problem is, and the old guy low-key needs to chill. So he's barely paying attention and Max seems to clock that because he yells "BARTHOLOMEW ALLEN!"

"You... You just said my full name?" Bart blinked at him.

"Yeah, so listen!"

And he doesn't know what that means, exactly. Like, why is Max saying his legal name? Logically, it means nothing. But, apparently VR didn't kill ALL of his survival instincts because he shuts up and listens.

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I love autistic Bruce Wayne.

Best part of a Batman comic is when these nerd losers get the opportunity to infodump word vomit on whoever they’re with. Fake “Broody and mysterious” ass I saw you get excited when someone asked how your suits cooling system worked.

P.S. Bruce is the biggest culprit of this. and it’s hereditary.

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I'm having intense back pain (hypermobility) and it's currently 4 am and I haven't slept at all. I got up to take some Tylenol and grabbed a Kinder Joy Egg (no clue who's it is) because I deserved one and it was a DC one and -

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The thing about not writing disabled people in fantasy or sci-fi settings because they're all "fixed" is that that's already our day-to-day fantasy.

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Tim: "How are we already out of milk? I went shopping yesterday."

*heads slowly turn to Bart*

Bart: "Wow! Okay! So just cuz I'm a speedster ya'll assume it was me?? I see how it is!!"

Tim, evenly: "Bart."

Bart:"..."

Bart: "You never said the milk was off limits!!"

Tim: "Cuz it's not!! You can have some milk just don't drink three goddamn gallons-"

Kon, choking on his drink: "THREE GALLONS??? BART HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DRINK THREE GALLONS OF MILK??"

Bart, screeching indignantly: "I WAS THIRSTY!!"

Kon: "AND BROKE ALL YOUR BONES, TOO? WHO NEEDS THREE GALLONS OF MILK-"

Bart: "STOP FOOD SHAMING ME!"

Tim and Kon: "STOP DRINKING THREE GALLONS OF MILK IN A DAY!!"

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I'll always try to convert someone to Bart Allen, more specifically the comic run Impulse 1995!!!! Bart is a speedster from the future! He was born intertwined with the speed force on an insane level and as a result, had a super metabolism that caused him to be the size of a 12-year-old at 2. He was put into VR by scientists who planned to study him until he died of old age or exertion (until he was saved by Iris and sent into the past). Because of his unconventional upbringing, he has a very flimsy grasp on reality, time, death, cause and effect, etc. His story is very autistic and ADHD coded. Bart struggles to relate and talk to other people - even other speedsters! The reason I suggest that comic run in particular is because it has a lot of very sweet themes about found family, individuality, loyalty, finding your people, and just... love. It's very focused on him learning to be a person and part of humanity with his superpowers. It's also fucking hilarious (very much a comedy drama) and full of lots of yummy art.

As for Batfam, I'm not a big comic reader of Bat-content (I hate gore) so I have no particular suggestions and more of a warning that fluffy Batfam is rejected in canon and Bruce is an abusive jackass in way too many of them. But, there are still comic runs with better bat-dad content and the bad bat-dad content can still be fun for some people! Just be aware of that because fanon batfam can sometimes lull people into a false sense of security 😅

oh yall im obsessed obsessed with superman it’s not even funny anymore

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mr yapperton 3000 vs mr broodicus maximus

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No, youre so right. I was more focused on the fact that apparently some guy on the internet is suggesting the nickname Bartzila with complete sincerity. Also, I'm imagining the ways he could get this nickname and the same image keeps popping up of,

Bart, indignantly: "You wear a dinosaur onesie ONE fucking time!!"

no, it's not because he's neurodivergent that i can't take him seriously. i'm not infantilizing at all, please don't misunderstand. it's just really hard to take him seriously when his name is bart.

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BARTZILA??? WHAT

no, it's not because he's neurodivergent that i can't take him seriously. i'm not infantilizing at all, please don't misunderstand. it's just really hard to take him seriously when his name is bart.

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Is this one of those Dick out of Richard type things? Because the only alternative I can find is Mew and while it fits him a bit better than Bart, I think we need to keep searching...

no, it's not because he's neurodivergent that i can't take him seriously. i'm not infantilizing at all, please don't misunderstand. it's just really hard to take him seriously when his name is bart.

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Fashion Headcanons for Bart Allen (might become a series because this is fun)

Can't Imagine Outfits

Realistically, the large number of dress-up sequences with Bart is because drawing dress-up sequences is fun. But, I just think it's funny to imagine him putting clothes on and off because he can't think of a coherent outfit otherwise.

Lots of jewelery!

Give him kandi and rings and necklaces for him to fidget with! Also, he would LOVE friendship bracelets and no one can convince me otherwise.

Steals clothes (don't we all?)

Tim: "Is that my hoodie??"

Bart: *takes off hoodie*

Kon: "That's my shirt!"

If you give him something to hold, he'll put it on 80% of the time

They go to a theme park one day and at one point Bart has a purse on his shoulder, a flannel on, a baseball hat, and a sweatshirt around his waist. He entered with a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He doesn't even realize he's doing it until someone points it out.

One of the only people in his friend group to wear real pajamas

He has so many themed pajamas and an abnormal amount of onesies

Loves pockets

Shouldn't be allowed to have pockets

It's too much power

Hair clips

Hair ties pull on his scalp and he hates it. He has a collection of hair clips (loses about twenty of them every month) and most of the ones he buys are just plain colors. The shaped ones are from friends (and those rarely go missing)

Will wear band-Ts of bands he doesn't care about

For the longest time, he didn't know about this being a Thing because in his mind "Picture I like = shirt I get"

Loves thin fabrics and hates thick cotton

He needs to feel the wind!

Could not care less about "boy clothes" vs "girl clothes"

Owns a few skirts

He likes the way they swish but he has to wear shorts under them or he WILL flash someone by accident

Would burn all knee-high socks if he could. Hates those fuckers.

(He might wear them a few times in canon but idc)

Gravitates towards bright clothes (duh)

This is highly encouraged by Max because it makes him easier to spot in a crowd and Max loses track of him too much already

Doesn't know when to retire clothes

No, Bart, a shirt with twelve stains and three holes is not "basically good as new"