imeweandus-blog

[imeweandus-blog]

9

This is a dark entry. Sorry. bananas pies tacos burritos bananas i feel that my depression is being fed by neglect, self hatred, and under-appreciation. it is hard to talk to anyone i know about this because no one will understand. when i feel like i am capable of something, another force will bring me down. it is hard to be strong and i feel sometimes that my strength was never there to begin with. how can i feel strong when i cannot for the life of me love my own self. how can i love 0409 when i struggle with my own self. i do not deserve someone as kind and generous and understanding as him, but one thing he does not understand about me is my incredible weakness. i hate to admit it, despite how much i am loved by 0409 and family members (i can at least acknowledge that much), but i feel so under appreciated and neglected it is very extremely painful. its ruining my self image and will to live i want to be discrete as possible with my depression because i feel that it is very inconvenient. but deep down i think i need the attention. maybe if i was surrounded by more people i wouldnt feel this way but it is hard to find the right people that i actually want to keep being around i have literally put “help” on my snapchat story but that is not convincing enough lol. my kitchen knives are very dull so nothing is noticeable i had a breakdown today and it was.. so bad that my mind disconnected from my body like i was looking at myself from a dark room. when i was alone downstairs tonight my mind was in a veeerry dark place. talking with 0409 made me realize that he can’t understand the way i feel. and he is losing his patience. it’s not just my home life, it is everything in general. i keep having these moments of despair, realizing that i am a pitiful speck on this planet. i am so very weak and a monster inside me feeds on that. i did not have anyone near me who can comprehend or have the patience to understand the state of mind i was in tonight. not even my “best friends.” they had abandoned me when they ignored my desperate cry for help a few weeks ago. i cant count on my family. i dont want to burden them or hurt the pride i keep with them. i am hardly appreciated by my immediate family (the one i currently live with). i kinda panicked a little. the past few weeks ive been looking at my phone so much almost every 10-30 minutes for notifications but its only 0409. i appreciate that he and i talk so much but i wish i had my friends too. when i was in panic mode i was looking for someone to talk to. i needed immediate help. and then i cried so ugly. i was alone, downstairs, with my pitch black bedroom. i didnt even take my shoes off when i stepped into my room. i sat on my bed and let the tears flow. it’s ironic though. kind of. i look so beautiful when i’m filled with melancholy. but pictures can’t depict what i saw in the mirror. i will still keep them in my photo storage though. what is life, who is that in my phone screensaver, why am i so depressed when i can acknowledge that people love me? nothing i did in that hour and a half of dark solitude helped me come to a solid conclusion. depression is such a dark place. walking towards the knife drawer was like a cry for attention with every step i took. it was heavy, but i didnt feel like i was in control of my own body. i think it was something else. good thing my kitchen knives are god damned neglected and dull. i bought a pizza after a while. i wanted this all for myself. this was my depression pizza and i dont like sharing with my family anymore because they just disappoint me. in my worst state this is all i wanted to myself. a goddamned carbed up pizza from dominos with two garlic sauces. i only ate two slices but i didnt mind because this is the first meal i’ve paid for with my own money in a long time. little brother took some slices without me knowing and brought them upstairs along with a whole cup of garlic sauce i paid two extra dollars for. when i woke up my depression pizza was covered in ants so i had to throw it away anyways.. all they seem to do nowadays is take from me. i’ll be changing things the next time i post here.

[imeweandus-blog]

8

Tbh Naruto is dope and all but why can't an episode have a full fight without turning to another scene or having a flashback.

[imeweandus-blog]

7

Today was kinda stressful. So today I tried to transfer the credits I got from my old university to this damn school in order to take chem 110. However, the Intro to Chem class I took at my other school isn't the same as the Intro to Chem class here. What the fuck. I compared the syllabus from both schools and its the same stuff, so I don't see any problems as to why the credits don't count. I'll figure it out but in the meanttime I'm gonna keep crashing chem 110 jic. Why can't disneyland trip come any sooner c':

[imeweandus-blog]

6

I turned into a shell today. When one thing leads to another and I stop being myself, I can't stop. I've gone extremely... pathetically quiet again. I don't love myself and I bring my own self esteem down more than anyone else can. This feeling will probably go away on its own but I just felt like talking about it a little on here since I can't really say anything about the way I feel anywhere else. Feels nice to at least type it.

[imeweandus-blog]

5

I wanna go on adventures. I’ve been kinda tired of being in the same place all the time, and I really miss going on spontaneous trips with my mom’s side of the family. Going to restaurants I’ve never been to before, sight seeing across San Diego, random events in downtown, being in new places is always so exciting... and I think I need to do that again. I feel like my personality is become extremely dull and boring as the years progress not trying something new.

[imeweandus-blog]

4

Living with my asian parents (and grandparents) at my age is like a blessing and a fucking curse. They give me all the necessities for living and going to school and are lenient with me hanging out with my friends. But when it comes to inviting my friends or even my boyfriend over it’s like I’m fucking 12 again. “Oh they can’t go in your room, stay downstairs because we need to watch you.” Fuck no. What the fuck do they think I’m gonna do even with my bedroom door and windows open? Drugs? Sex? I need to get out of this house.

[imeweandus-blog]

3

Ever since moving back to the house that I grew up in just last summer, I’ve been reminiscing about the past more often than enough. I think about the times when I was a child. I was brave and dreamed of staying brave forever. I never wanted to be weak. Back then I was less shy, more energetic, more imaginative and creative. But don’t get me wrong. I have no regrets. How I see it nowadays, life is just a blur to get from one stage in life to another as efficiently and precisely as possible. 

Becoming an adult is so strange to me. I feel adulthood welcoming me but some of my ideals from when I was younger are fading away.. sometimes I overthink things and I can feel my old ideals pulling me back and not letting me move forward. I overthink a lot because I still don’t want to be weak. I keep wanting to be the same brave little kid I was a long time ago. But you know-- things kind of change when you are put under the weight of stress that life throws at you now and again. Sometimes I lose my sanity a bit, but I always pick myself back up so I don’t look like a fucking baby. Lately I’ve been in a huge “fuck you adulthood” mood as I approach the age of 20. I can’t believe it. Two whole decades of moving from stage to stage. Infant to child to preteen to teenager. Oh god. And then adulthood. Wtf. Every day slightly different than the other but every week, month, and year ever changing me in whatever shape or form. It’s freaking crazy. My youngest sibling is just barely turning 3 this year. What the hell.

Anyways

I decided to try and keep a record of my mental “Guide to Living Reality” so that I can be a good role model to my siblings or future kids. I want them to take life a little easier than I did.

[imeweandus-blog]

2

I’m not a huge fan of talking about myself. However, I am an open book when it comes to typing about it.

I don’t talk like talking about my thoughts or emotions because my explanation usually ends up becoming a jumbled up, nonsensical pile of words. So I’d honestly rather write or type about it so I can edit all I want. It’s easier and less embarrassing this way.

[imeweandus-blog]

First

My first post ever huh.

This.. is just a place for me to talk. Like a diary, only better because I have the entire internet to roast me. Anywho. I’ll always remain anonymous out of respect for my friends and family. If you’re on my page, have fun reading about my miserable life.