im-not-sleeping

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EVEN MORE OF AN UPDATE ASSHOLES

- Going to college in a month and 5 days. - 12 pounds down, 28 to go !!! (Quick disclaimer: No I am not starving myself, nor am I overexercising. I try my best to eat 1600-2000 calories a day. Sometimes I'm under those goals, sometimes I'm over. It happens and I'm not stressing about it.) - I am a cute as hell, savage AF, punk ass bitch. (Seriously. I practice dancing in the mirror, and I would make my exes cry. BOY / GIRL BYE.) - I got a new phone. That's pretty chill.

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HERE’S AN UPDATE BITCHES

My life is complete. Everything is finally normalizing. 

Throughout these past 5 years, I have experienced hundreds of panic attacks, seizing episodes, 4 attempts of suicide, and an addiction to self harm. 

I have not cut since October of 2015. My depression episodes are manageable. My brain and body has developed techniques to stop panic attacks from happening. Medication and therapy, no matter how much I hated it, has helped me extremely. 

I can do so much more with less hesitation. I am brave enough to tackle challenges without self doubt having such a strong hold on me. 

I will be attending college and following my dream major at one of my top choice schools. I will be attending community college this summer to get ahead to graduate in four years instead of five. 

I have not been this stable since the 6th grade, and god damn does it feel so good. 

Therefore, I will be erasing this account, but not quite yet. 

I want everyone to read this and know that it is possible to get better. It is a long process and it’s tiring. It’s so tiring. Your brain has developed a new “normal” that now you are trying to change. Every body and mind is different. I know those are cliche sayings, and I remember HATED hearing them too, but once you are on the other side, my goodness it is so true. 

I have come so far these past 9 months. To think that it took less than a year to help heal 5 years of damage, that is truly remarkable. 

Yes I still have the anxiety and the depression, but it is so manageable. I have my life back. 

Will this inspire me to become a psychiatrist? 

Hell no. Fuck that. I’m going to be a meteorologist. Bitches, bye. 

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I’m proud. Very proud. However, let's acknowledge the last photo and how my eyebrows look like worms. Bad brow day much? LOL

I haven’t been this confident in myself and my body since the 6th grade.

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Isn't it Funny?

I am in therapy one to two times a week. I'm on medication. My parents and friends are noticing positive changes. I feel happier about myself and my body. I haven't had a panic attack since December. I haven't seized up and took my inhaler since February. I haven't cut since October. I get myself out of my own depressive slumps. My insomnia is almost fully under control. But, isn't it funny how I still think about suicide, like it's no big deal? It's not even "I'm so depressed I want to die", but more of a "I could jump out in the middle of the street. Would I live or die?" or even "I'm not sad anymore, so at least I can die happy now". Maybe this is why my therapist isn't letting me ween off of therapy yet.

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Understand.

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Why this tumblr exists.

25% ranting 25% Sad 50% all the sex blogs I follow

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1:12 AM thoughts on a Monday.

Life is about yourself. If you don't like the way things are going, start making little changes. From experience, making big changes all at once never quite works. It's the small baby steps that will get you further in the end. Here are the small changes I have made in the past year. - Removed every negative person in my life and entered a positive one. - Cut eight inches off of my hair. - Every time I look in a mirror, I pose. - Started being more open about my mental state. - I started to catch myself lying, and owned up to it. The big changes it lead to: - My fear of food is gone. - Stopped self-harming. - Faced my fear and started therapy. - I have had more good days than bad days. I actually wonder if either of you are reading this. I don't mean that with any strong emotion at all. I don't miss either of you, nor does my chest grow tight. It's all curiosity, and he knows that I was a curious fool, mentally crazy and all.

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I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed I got skinnier!!!

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

Praise fucking whoever is up there. 

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GET OUT OF MY LIFE.

GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???

GET OUT OF MY THOUGHTS. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. 

BEFORE I GRAB A GUN AND GET MYSELF OUT.

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Debating cancelling my birthday.

Not having a party, not going to school, and just sitting with my parents in my bed eating pizza. That's all I want to do.

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Hysterical breakdowns are always fun. : ) 

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Good News!

6 pounds down, 71 to go. No longer failing classes. Finally controlling Insomnia. 18th birthday is in one week from today. Let's do this shit.

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Doing my happy dance because I am seeing progress 💜💜💜💜

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Never Blame The Camera

Using a $800 camera and I still look disgusting af on screen😅

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Slowly but surely, I'm getting there.

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Tips for being happy

• Never skip breakfast • Drink plenty of water • Journal • Connect with your inner child • Play with your pets • Keep your space tidy • Moisturize • Plenty of bubble baths • Get dressed everyday • Exercise!!! • Dark chocolate • Talk to your best friend religiously • Color, paint, draw • Open the blinds • Water your plants • Light candles/incense • Call your grandparents • Put on pretty underwear