im-back-damn

[im-back-damn]

FUCK YOU MOM!! IM DONE TRYING TO NOT RELAPSE

i’ve been on the edge of fully giving up but i keep myself from jumping off the ledge every time

NOT ANYMORE

my mother called to ask about getting a weightloss coach for me. fuck you i don’t need it. i’ll get rid of it. i’ll make myself small again

why can’t you accept me when i’m healthy why must you push me to my breaking point time and time again.

IM DONE

i’m gonna be what you want me to be. thin. and then i’ll be thinner. you’ll worry and you won’t be able to do anything other than feel bad cause i’ll be on the other side of the world. you’ll wonder if i’m okay or if something happened and you won’t know and it’s gonna be your fault. you pushed me to my breaking point so watch me break. watch me break into a million little pieces and know that this time you won’t be able to pick them up.

FUCK YOU

[im-back-damn]

forgot how good starving can feel sometimes and was reminded of it today

[im-back-damn]

I lost the weight once, I can lose the weight again.

[im-back-damn]

not being able to weight myself is fucking awful i have no idea whats happening to my body. also on the first week of being here i got drunk and accidentally told my friends about my history having an ed and i’m scared they’ll notice if i lose weight but also i don’t care. and also i’m sort of seeing someone but i’m scared of having sex with them because what if my body disgusts them?!?!

[im-back-damn]

depression makes me want to stay in bed

ed makes me want to go for a run

WHY is it so complicated

[im-back-damn]

yeah fuck this actually if i’m not seeing them i’m not eating and when i do see them i’ll do everything in my power to make sure i don’t have to eat. plus they’re all going home for christmas and i’m not so i won’t have to explain shit to anyone

i guess i should be thankful that i have friends who like to see me but god is it hard to fast with them around 🙃

[im-back-damn]

i guess i should be thankful that i have friends who like to see me but god is it hard to fast with them around 🙃

[im-back-damn]

went out and bought energy drinks and 0cal soda and planned out my eating for the week so officially relapsed™️

basically gonna do 2 fasts (24-36hrs) and scheduled in 2 runs strategically after meals. this is also gonna be great for uni cause i’ll be forced to distract myself with something and it might as well be uni work.

i don’t plan on seeing my friends too much this week so they won’t notice and i’ll allow myself more leeway on the weekend when i’ll be around them.

i can’t even keep track of my weight cause i don’t own a scale. the only thing i have to go by is how my clothes fit me. so i guess goal number one will be fitting comfortably into my skinny jeans (they technically fit right now but they’re uncomfortably tight)

guess i’m officially back on my bullshit 🤪

[im-back-damn]

man fuck being okay. i’m finally living alone. i remember i used to dream of this so i could fill the fridge with safe foods. but instead i filled it with foods i always binge on. i bought fucking nutella for gods sake. all cause i’m “recovered” as if. the calculator in my head literally never stopped. it was always there i just ignored it. well i redownloaded my fast tracker. i’ll jeep my promise of not going over 30 hrs but only because i don’t want my new friends finding out i’m fucking broken. i wont throw anything away but i also wont be buying anymore. fuck being healthy. i want to be skinny again.

[im-back-damn]

what if i’m not strong enough to stop a relapse? what if i make sure i don’t get as bad as last time? like i won’t fast for more than 30 hrs. and i’ll try to eat at least 1 balanced meal a day. i don’t want to kill myself (anymore). i just want the control back.

[im-back-damn]

you know im fucked when i start buying sugar free energy drinks again

[im-back-damn]

its been over a year since i posted anything on here.

almost 2 tears since i started recovery for my ed. and its been 3 years since i self harmed. or it had been. its been 2 days since i self harmed.

i fucked up. i had a bad day and i fucked up. i was so overwhelmed with everything. i didnt even register it. i needed a distraction.

3 years of recovery down the fucking drain. how am i meant to live alone? im terrified. what if im not strong enough?

i want to do better i dont want to go back. i cant. i worked so hard to get here. im finally chasing dreams. i hadnt dreamed since i was 9 im almost 21. i wasnt even sure id make it this far. but im alive and i am literally seeing my dreams become reality. what is wrong with me.

i have nothing to complain about. why did i relapse now? everything is going perfectly. why am i like this?

[im-back-damn]

make it make sense

i had breakfast and my mom goes “thats too much dont you think?” (it was a bagel with some vegan butter: about 260 cals)

then when i left for class she goes “arent you gonna have lunch?” when i told her no she was all like you have to eat and shit.

this is the same woman who told me to let my eating disorder “do its thing” so that i would lose weight.

make a choice you can either have a daughter who skips meals and loses weight or a daughter who eats normal. cant have both

why does she act so surprised that i do this when she encourages it. reminds me of “when you were skinny” and then has the audacity to act surprised when i listen

[im-back-damn]

is it weird that what i miss most anout my lowest weight is my hands like i had skinny fingers and bony wrists and i miss that. also collarbones :(

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not ed related but…

fighting the urge to leave class early cause its so boring and it’s not like i’m paying attention anyways. i’m just scrolling through thinspo 🙃

[im-back-damn]

y’all ever watch 50 shades of grey for the thinspo. cause i do

seriously you can see her ribs in most scenes

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gonna eat max 1000 until thanksgiving then i’ll use thanksgiving as a metabolism day and repeat till christmas. will also be working out 2 of the 4 days i dont work. i work in a high paced job that has me moving ALOT also on my feet for 8 hrs. wont be fasting though cause i dont want to faint (flashbacks to freshman year of college 🙃) scared of it happening while im driving and such.