im-an3mic-royalty - Tumblr blog

[im-an3mic-royalty]

artist/song recs

deftones - beware, cherry waves

elliott smith - clementine, roman candles

car seat headrest - reuse the cels, weightlifters

weezer - tragic girl, do you wanna get high

radiohead - my iron lung, 2+2=5

alice in chains - heaven beside you, check my brain

mudhoney - suck you dry, severed dreams in the sleeper cell

nirvana - downer, drain you

nine inch nails - physical, sunspots

the used - pretty handsome awkward, the taste of ink

breaking benjamin - so cold, dance with the devil

soundgarden - outshined, rusty cage

[im-an3mic-royalty]

a self-demolishing love

Love is supposed to be beautiful and gentle, a happiness inducing feeling, something that makes you want to live, makes you want to seek memories to cherish- what it is not supposed to be is this gut wrenching feeling that makes you sick to your stomach, something that makes you want to rip your insides out.

The way I feel love makes my skin crawl; it is self-destructive.

My love forces me to be this disgusting mess reeking of depravity.

Unlike how those Greek philosophers put it- my love is not storge, philia, eros, philantia, xenia or agape.

My love is a repulsive nauseating feeling of depravity and disgust,

…and it kills me.

It kills me inside out; it makes my stomach churn.

I do feel this ‘love’ towards things, many things.

I love songs, I love knives. I love a lot, but none good.

I tell my friends I love them, but is it love or do I just lie that it is love?

I love dead flowers, rotting carcasses, the blood dripping out of my body parts, I love it all in this repulsive manner.

Maybe I just have not felt the correct ‘love’ yet, maybe this is just how love feels to me, maybe this maybe that. Who knows, who’d want to know? Not me.

[im-an3mic-royalty]

Tired.

Feeling tired feels weird. The morbid feeling of wanting to simply rot and decay when you are primordially designed to survive, to want to survive, to be active, to live; is pretty weird.

Especially in years where I am meant to be with the most energy throughout my life, when I am at such a young age, it sucks. I try to mask the feeling by blaming it on being burnt out, being exhausted, but I know for a fact that it is not burn out, I simply lack my primordial will to live.

I feel disgusted with myself as I rot in bed, I feel the weight of my walls plastered with band posters caving in on me, I feel as if my body is drowning in my mattress, I feel myself being overcome with a nauseating sense of wetness as I get drenched in sweat too negligent to turn on my ceiling fan or open my window.

Some days I just sit in my bed, soullessly staring out my window, gazing as leaves shuffle in the breeze, I ask myself over and over again;

“what is the point of even living?”

“why can I not just simply live?”

“why am I so against the feeling of wanting to live?”

There is no answer, regardless of how many days I spend sitting, thinking, questioning myself, arguing with myself, there is no answer.

Maybe I just do not try hard enough, I do not think hard enough to find out the answers, maybe I do not want to find these answers.

I get mad and irritated over the smallest of the things, my temper is bad. I feel guilty whenever I do get mad, but should I? Should I be feeling guilty for getting irritated over someone being so overbearing? I should, because they are not overbearing, they just care about me. Even though they have every right not to, they have all rights to just abandon me, but would I too abandon them if they were in my shoes? Probably not. Why should they abandon me then?

The world is beautiful, the world is waiting for you, the world cares about you.

‘This is just the internet, there is a whole world out there waiting for you; don’t be a recluse like me’

Said once someone I admired, it is stuck with me now. Not in a positive way though, it stuck to me because I became what they asked me not to, I became a reclusive shell of a person who simply survives day to day, decaying. I am so sorry to them that I turned out this way. I will always be.

Is it wrong to give up so early? Yes.

Do I have anything left in me to try again? No.

Will I find any will to live in the future? Most likely no, but maybe.

Until then, I will just breathe and survive I guess.