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Being a Muslim at Workplace

Employers have done a huge progress in regard to being diverse and welcoming of all  people. They have been accommodating those with physical disability by providing wheelchair accessible entry ways. They have accommodated those with language barriers by providing interpretation services. And most recently, many workplaces are providing nursing rooms for nursing moms. However,  employers have failed to accommodate the Muslim employees and consumers by providing a prayer area.

As a Muslim woman at work place, I can’t help noticing the challenges I face every day in order to perform my daily prayers. I guess the fact that I always had my own office, made me not realize the lack of accommodation. I recently transferred to a department where several of us share an offices space. It is unreasonable to pray in a room full of people. I have tried different places that might provide me the space and the privacy I need in order to fulfill my religious obligations. I was lucky to locate this little room in the ground floor that was designated for nursing moms. I have been using the nursing room for some time, but I guess more moms had babies this year and the room seems to be occupied frequently. There has been times, that I had to visit the nursing room three to four times a day in order to use it. Another incident I experienced while using the nursing room, is someone knocking on the door while I’m praying. I found that to be very disturbing and distracting for someone who is trying to have a spiritual moment and perform a prayer.

Prayer or Salat is one of the central elements of Islamic practice and worship. It is the second of the five pillars of Islam and, along with the testimony of faith, the pilgrimage to Mecca, fasting the month of Ramadan and paying charity to the poor, are the essential framework of religious life for Muslims.

Prayer, in a ritual sense, is an obligation of the faith, to be performed five times a day by adult Muslims. According to Islamic law, prayers have a variety of obligations and conditions of observance. However, beyond the level of practices, there are spiritual conditions and aspects of prayer which represent its essence. Muslims believe that the only way to connect with Allah “God” is through prayer. We believe that during prayer, we are having an intimate conversation with our creator. It is important that the one who is praying is able to reach a level of connection with the creator. Having a designated space to pray and not worrying about interruption, makes the one who is praying reach that level of spirituality  easier.

I understand that employers cannot accommodate every religion and culture, but why not consider it if it is a reasonable accommodation.  I think providing a reflection room at workplace creates a sense of acceptance of all. There are many people with different religious background who are spiritual and might appreciate a space to reflect, meditate or pray.

Salam/Peace

Ikram

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Living with ADD/ADHD

It is amazing how we learn so much about ourselves as we become adults. I remember being a little girl and being shamed for my excessive talking. I would start a conversation and go on and on about it. I also had a loud pitch voice and I remember being asked to tone it down many times. The sad part is, I didn't even realize that I talked that much or that I was loud. I'm sure I had other signs of ADHD, but because I was one of ten kids, I don't think it was noticed. My mom was trying to manage eight younger kids, and I think I was the least of her concerns. I also think, spending my first seven years in a country that has no knowledge of ADHD helped me survive without a label. I remember daydreaming at school and checking out whenever I was bored. My teachers never noticed that I was mentally absent. I sure missed so much of school lecture, but somehow, managed to do my school work and understand. I did spend so much time teaching myself what I missed in school. I remember struggling with getting off the bed in the mornings and being labeled lazy. In fact, I just had a phone conversation with my cousin who was making fun of how lazy I was.

Now in my 30s and I still struggle with similar issues. Of course, as an adult, I learned how to self-control. Figured out ways to cope with my struggles and maintain a career. But I still get restless and daydream when I can't get out of boring tasks. My brain always has hundreds of different things that I want to do and accomplish. I start several tasks and work on them simultaneously. As a matter a fact, I noticed that I'm doing just that as I am writing this blog.

I can't imagine being a child with ADHD in a western country. I notice people's judgment toward parents of children with ADHD. They get a look that questions their parenting skills. They are told, "why can't they sit still", "just tell them to stop" and my favorite, "make sure you tell them to behave themselves." As if parents are not doing that already. People don't realize that it is an insult and offensive when such a comments are made. ADHD is not a result of poor parenting, too much sugar, or too many video games. It is a brain-based, biological disorder.

The brain of someone with ADHD is different than the brain of someone without the diagnoses. According to the research, children with ADHD have smaller frontal lobes, which affects impulse control, motor activity, inhibition, and concentration. That does not mean that a person with ADHD has a damaged or defective nervous system. It just means that their brain functions with its own set of rules.  It is unfair when society sets the same expectations for children with and without ADHD.  For example, A child without ADHD could be told a task is important and that would be enough to motivate them. on the other hand,  a child with ADHD, telling them that a task is important does not mean it will get done. Kids with ADHD have to be interested or intrigued in order for them to focus. People with ADHD nervous system are bright and clever. The main problem is that they are expected to be an Average Joe.

Parents, teachers, and caregivers need to remember that one size does not fit all. We need to celebrate children's uniqueness. We need to empower them and think outside of the box. We need the kids to flourish not to die internally. It is important that parents advocate for their children before it's too late. Many children give up on school because the traditional school setting is not a good fit for them and it is for parents to recognize that and help their kids explore other options.

Ikram

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Suicide

We are hearing more and more of people committing suicide for the past few years. The suicide rate is so high, that it is almost becoming a trend.  This makes me wonder if committing a suicide is now culturally acceptable. When did committing suicide become the answer to our problems? when did ending our lives became the norm to avoid dealing with our issues. Can we really justify someone's decision of committing a suicide? I know that in some cases individuals are dealing with severe and persistent mental illness that include commanding hallucinations. Those individuals may commit a suicide due to impaired judgment. We all experience pain and sometimes we wish if we didn't exist or if we can just disappear. But, does that mean we have the right to act on our thoughts.  Do we really as humans have the right to end our lives?

I recently had the privilege to volunteer at one of the local schools in my community to help students grieve the death of their teacher. The school age kids were mourning the death of their teacher who committed suicide.  I had an opportunity to listen to the kids talk about their deceased teacher. They talked about his favorite topics, food,  his love for his kids,  and the random cool things that he did. I quickly realized that this teacher was full of life. He was loved by both the students and teachers. People who knew him described him as a wonderful person. He was young, healthy, had a beautiful wife, and adorable children.  He had everything a middle age man would want to have.

Yet, regardless of all the love, he was surrounded by, he was in pain. So much pain that it blocked his sight from seeing the beauty around him. The beauty of his wife, kids, students, family, and friends. All he saw was darkness to the point that death seemed appealing. Death presented itself as the solution to all the problems and the cure to his pain.q

It is deeply saddening the number of people that suffer daily to the point where death becomes something to look forward to. Some people try so hard to cover up their pain and put on a mask focusing on entertaining others and making them feel good. When they themselves are in pain and are in need of comfort. Those who pretend and act a certain way, when they feel the complete opposite are the ones that are at high risk for suicide. Men usually do not verbalize emotional pain, they either self-medicate with drugs and alcohol, behave in an aggressive manner or commit a suicide. In the case of our beloved teacher, completing suicide was his way of dealing with his emotional pain. Unfortunately, he chose a permanent solution for a temporary problem, and while he might be at peace, he left so many people behind in pain and suffering.

RIP.

Ikram♥

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Was it really good for her?

On a beautiful sunny day, two little girls were playing outside of grandma's house. The girls were running and laughing without any care for the world. Suddenly, a voice comes from inside the house, calling the girls to come in for a bath. It was the voice of their older cousin. The girls went in the house and the cousin gave them a bath. She gave them a black fabric with white polka dots to wrap themselves with and told them to not wear their dresses just yet. In a small area, that was used as a living space, there were grandma and couple of strange looking women drinking the evening tea. The older girl did not recognize the women. Nobody told the girls who the women were or why they were visiting.

A few minutes later, the younger girl was taken out for a walk, while the women perform Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) on the older one. The older girl starts to panic, and in tears begging her grandma to not do it. But grandma doesn't listen, she is convinced that this is good for her. The girl was laid on some type of a bed with a hard surface that was made out of some animal's skin. Two women spread her legs open as she fights with all her power. They try to block her view, so she wouldn't see the sharp objects that were being used to cut her. She tries to scream, but one of the women puts a piece of cloth in her mouth to stop her from screaming. Here is a seven years old, held by four women as she gets cut up, just because someone thinks that it is good for her.

So many girls are exposed to so much pain and torture for the simple fact that someone thinks it is good for them. According to the World Health Organization (WHO) "there are an estimated 3 million girls at risk of undergoing female genital mutilation every year. The majority of girls are cut before they turn 15 years old." FGM is practiced in many countries around the world, some countries claim that it is for religious reasons, others for cultural. According to UNICEF, 200 million girls and women in 30 countries have been subject to FGM practice.

Some people argue that circumcising girls is part of their culture. I have heard people say it preserves girls' virginity, it reduces girls' hyper-sexuality and minimizes the possibility of girls engaging in a sexual relationship before marriage. Remember, in many countries engaging in a sexual relationship before marriage is shameful for both the girl and her family. Depending on the culture, the girl or her family might get ostracized for such a behavior.

Others argue that circumcision is part of their religion and it must be practiced. I am not disagreeing with that at all. As a Muslim, it is very important that we practice the Sunna, however, we must practice the sunnah correctly. The biggest problem is when we modify the sunnah to fit our cultural needs. Even though Quran does not mention circumcision, it was mentioned several times in different hadiths. Remember, there is no mandate at all for female circumcision neither in the Qur'an, or hadith. The prophet (PBUH) did not encourage nor discourage female circumcision, but he did make it clear to not cut severely during the procedure. It was indicated in the Sunan Abu-Dawud, "A woman used to perform circumcision in Medina. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her: 'Do not cut severely as that is better for a woman and more desirable for a husband"–Sunan Abu Dawûd, Book 41, #5251.

Now, I want you to read the paragraph above again and notice the part " is better for a woman and more desirable for a husband". This clearly emphasizes the importance of sexual pleasure between married couples during intercourse. Which means, the cutting, stitching and permanent removal of parts of the vagina, diminishes the sexual desire of the women and discourages the men.

Let's look at the experience of this seven-year-old and the possible psychological effects of the procedure on her. First, someone decides to get her circumcised without consulting with her or giving her the courtesy of letting her know. secondly, she was cut, stitched and had to go through the pain of the procedure and finally, had to deal with both short term and long term effects of the procedure. Some of these effects include the pain of the healing process, lack of trust in caregivers, feelings that her opinion does not matter which contributes to low self-esteem, fear of sexual intercourse especially during the beginning of a sexual relationship. Martial conflicts due to dissatisfaction sexually, and in severe cases of FGM suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Both culture and religion are extremely important to people and it is our responsibility as individuals who are part of that culture or religion to understand our practices correctly. We also have a responsibility to abide by the law of the land that we live in. For those who argue that it is a religious practice, female circumcision is not an obligatory practice, therefore, individuals are not committing a sin by not circumcising their daughters.

With all due respect to those who practice FGM as a part of their culture. There are times when we have to make some difficult decisions. Times that we have to face our fears and stand strong for what is right. The Community might shame families for not practicing cultural rituals, but is it more important to please our community or care for the well-being of our daughters. Are we willing to watch our daughters suffer for the rest of their lives because we don't want to be shamed by our community? Are we relying on FGM to prevent our daughters from engaging in sexual relationships prior to marriage or are we educating our them and teaching them the right from wrong? Are we following the footsteps of our parents and grandparents and trusting that it is good for them when in reality we are causing permanent damage just because we refuse to enlightened ourselves with the truth.

Ikram♥

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Mom

Mom, Mother, Mommy, Mama and even Hooyo. These are all words used to call one person. A person, who might have forgotten that she has a name.  I think about the word mom and for the longest time I used it without thinking about what it meant to me. I think back of all the times I gave my mom hard time and caused her tears. The sad part is, I probably was one of the easiest children out of the eleven. I think about how much she struggled to make us who we are today. My mom was a single mom raising eleven children. we were all a year or two a part, except for the youngest three. That is when she learned about birth control in Egypt and managed to take a four-year break. I want you to close your eyes for a moment, and imagine yourself as a single mom of eleven in a foreign country.  Waking up every morning, preparing breakfast, brushing this one’s teeth, and tying the other one’s shoes. Cleaning, cooking, helping with homework, and comforting the sick. She didn’t work and relied on whatever her husband sent her to survive. She had to stretch it and make ends meet, but no one ever asked how.  I think back and wonder about her dream for herself. Is this the life she always wanted? Did she imagine this to be her life? Was she happy doing it or did she not have choice?   

When I get together with other moms, I noticed that we complain about our kids and how difficult it is being a mom. Then the question presents itself. How did she do it? How did she manage to raise six boys and five girls and continued standing on her own feet? She had high school level of education, limited financial resources, no family, no friends, not even a husband for emotional support. With all the obstacles and challenges she faced in life, she did such a fine job with her eleven kids. 

Fast forward twenty years, and now I get to walk in her shoes. To be fair, nothing like her shoes. I am raising three kids, have a husband, career, and all the resources a person could need. Yet, I’m exhausted all the time, complaining whenever I get a chance, and afraid of tomorrow. And before I notice it,  the question comes up again, How did she do it?

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Welcome

My name is Ikram Adawe. I was born in the horn of Africa. Grew up in Egypt and moved to the United States in 1999. I have four very handsome and energetic boys at home, which one of them happens to be my lovely husband.

Something that is normal in my house is waking up at six in the morning everyday including weekends and holidays and functioning like it is at noon. We eat breakfast like kings and we do it before 8am.  I enjoy being busy and I accomplish more in a fast based environment. I am a mom, wife, daughter, second oldest of eleven, therapist, YouTuber, and a blogger.  

This page is all about me! My thoughts, opinions, feelings and philosophy in life. This is not about right or wrong. It’s about sharing and being nonjudgmental. I am interested in creating a dialog and hearing other people’s thoughts and opinions on different issues. 

Sincerely, 

Ikram 

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