ihatedtoadmit

[ihatedtoadmit]

Again?!? Niki, please OTL

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

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All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Oh, I'm sorry it made you cry, that definitely wasn't the goal! Thank you for liking it though. Hopefully my next oneshot will have a happier note.

Too much

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: angst, comfort

warnings: self-hatred

word count: ~2.6k

summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.

a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veil–, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldn’t comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.

Now, it was my reality.

I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone I’d ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.

Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.

Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.

For so long – practically between comeback seasons – we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, I’d realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.

Talking with others didn’t feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. I’d become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.

How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.

It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.

I couldn’t believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.

I’d been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.

Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadn’t signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.

My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.

I wasn’t sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.

The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.

His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.

The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping he’d think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadn’t greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.

Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.

His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didn’t move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.

“Are you having a bad day mentally, or physically?” – he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.

I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasn’t enough to break the connection we had. Chan’s hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.

“How did you know?” – my voice was small, too small, yet he didn’t comment on it. “You only ever do this when something’s wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever you’re in need of a hug. Don’t shut me out, please? We’ve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.”

His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didn’t see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. I’d positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who I’d become, who I truly was.

The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chan’s veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; we’d laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldn’t be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldn’t speak now.

Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly I’d kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.

Chan didn’t speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasn’t engulfed and I wasn’t moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didn’t deserve. He didn’t know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.

To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.

I disgusted myself.

I wasn’t sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.

He knew it wouldn’t work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.

Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasn’t important right now.

“Channie, be honest. Am I too much?”

I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didn’t expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadn’t formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldn’t stay the same. Not anymore.

I couldn’t keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.

“What? Where did you even get this idea? Of course you’re not. You’re my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?” – his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.

I shook my head, denying his claims.

“Then what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?”

My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didn’t stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the droplets’ descent.

“I just realised some things now that you’re busy. Nobody said anything to me.”

Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.

“And what did you realise?” – his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.

A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.

And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.

“How can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know you’re busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isn’t fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. I’m clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they don’t, it’s physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?” – my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.

Chan didn’t hesitate.

Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didn’t doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.

“That’s not true. Maybe you don’t believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.”

His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.

“First of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times it’s some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.”

A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chan’s words, that I had some worth and wasn’t just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someone’s arms who I didn’t even think I was deserving of.

Yet, Chan’s arms remained around me, as if saying ‘You do deserve it’.

“Secondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. I’ve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know I’m at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or I’m obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.” – his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.

I didn’t react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.

Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldn’t understand how.

“You’ve never been too much, love. It’s okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. That’s why I and your closest friends are here, and I’m sure they’d say the same. We love you both when you’re quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.”

A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew I’d tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.

“But you’re busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I don’t—I don’t want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.” “You wouldn’t, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about I’ll put my phone on don’t disturb when I’m busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when I’m free, I’ll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.

My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldn’t.

“Please don’t ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. I’m always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,” – his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room – “I love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. It’s what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.”

His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.

“You give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.” “Perhaps that’s why Seungminnie said you’re dating a version of yourself.”

A chuckle blossomed in Chan’s chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.

“Can we stay like this for a little bit longer?” “Always, my love. Always.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Too much

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: angst, comfort

warnings: self-hatred

word count: ~2.6k

summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.

a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veil–, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldn’t comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.

Now, it was my reality.

I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone I’d ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.

Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.

Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.

For so long – practically between comeback seasons – we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, I’d realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.

Talking with others didn’t feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. I’d become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.

How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.

It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.

I couldn’t believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.

I’d been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.

Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadn’t signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.

My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.

I wasn’t sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.

The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.

His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.

The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping he’d think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadn’t greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.

Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.

His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didn’t move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.

“Are you having a bad day mentally, or physically?” – he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.

I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasn’t enough to break the connection we had. Chan’s hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.

“How did you know?” – my voice was small, too small, yet he didn’t comment on it. “You only ever do this when something’s wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever you’re in need of a hug. Don’t shut me out, please? We’ve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.”

His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didn’t see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. I’d positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who I’d become, who I truly was.

The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chan’s veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; we’d laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldn’t be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldn’t speak now.

Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly I’d kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.

Chan didn’t speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasn’t engulfed and I wasn’t moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didn’t deserve. He didn’t know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.

To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.

I disgusted myself.

I wasn’t sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.

He knew it wouldn’t work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.

Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasn’t important right now.

“Channie, be honest. Am I too much?”

I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didn’t expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadn’t formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldn’t stay the same. Not anymore.

I couldn’t keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.

“What? Where did you even get this idea? Of course you’re not. You’re my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?” – his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.

I shook my head, denying his claims.

“Then what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?”

My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didn’t stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the droplets’ descent.

“I just realised some things now that you’re busy. Nobody said anything to me.”

Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.

“And what did you realise?” – his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.

A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.

And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.

“How can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know you’re busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isn’t fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. I’m clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they don’t, it’s physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?” – my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.

Chan didn’t hesitate.

Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didn’t doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.

“That’s not true. Maybe you don’t believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.”

His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.

“First of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times it’s some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.”

A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chan’s words, that I had some worth and wasn’t just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someone’s arms who I didn’t even think I was deserving of.

Yet, Chan’s arms remained around me, as if saying ‘You do deserve it’.

“Secondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. I’ve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know I’m at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or I’m obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.” – his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.

I didn’t react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.

Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldn’t understand how.

“You’ve never been too much, love. It’s okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. That’s why I and your closest friends are here, and I’m sure they’d say the same. We love you both when you’re quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.”

A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew I’d tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.

“But you’re busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I don’t—I don’t want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.” “You wouldn’t, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about I’ll put my phone on don’t disturb when I’m busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when I’m free, I’ll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.

My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldn’t.

“Please don’t ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. I’m always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,” – his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room – “I love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. It’s what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.”

His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.

“You give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.” “Perhaps that’s why Seungminnie said you’re dating a version of yourself.”

A chuckle blossomed in Chan’s chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.

“Can we stay like this for a little bit longer?” “Always, my love. Always.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Dear, we both know I didn't do well. I threw my feelings at the screen at night while trying not to let my emotions devour me.

But thank you. For staying and for loving me.

Too much

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: angst, comfort

warnings: self-hatred

word count: ~2.6k

summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.

a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veil–, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldn’t comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.

Now, it was my reality.

I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone I’d ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.

Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.

Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.

For so long – practically between comeback seasons – we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, I’d realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.

Talking with others didn’t feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. I’d become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.

How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.

It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.

I couldn’t believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.

I’d been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.

Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadn’t signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.

My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.

I wasn’t sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.

The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.

His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.

The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping he’d think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadn’t greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.

Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.

His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didn’t move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.

“Are you having a bad day mentally, or physically?” – he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.

I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasn’t enough to break the connection we had. Chan’s hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.

“How did you know?” – my voice was small, too small, yet he didn’t comment on it. “You only ever do this when something’s wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever you’re in need of a hug. Don’t shut me out, please? We’ve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.”

His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didn’t see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. I’d positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who I’d become, who I truly was.

The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chan’s veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; we’d laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldn’t be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldn’t speak now.

Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly I’d kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.

Chan didn’t speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasn’t engulfed and I wasn’t moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didn’t deserve. He didn’t know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.

To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.

I disgusted myself.

I wasn’t sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.

He knew it wouldn’t work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.

Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasn’t important right now.

“Channie, be honest. Am I too much?”

I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didn’t expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadn’t formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldn’t stay the same. Not anymore.

I couldn’t keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.

“What? Where did you even get this idea? Of course you’re not. You’re my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?” – his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.

I shook my head, denying his claims.

“Then what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?”

My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didn’t stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the droplets’ descent.

“I just realised some things now that you’re busy. Nobody said anything to me.”

Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.

“And what did you realise?” – his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.

A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.

And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.

“How can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know you’re busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isn’t fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. I’m clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they don’t, it’s physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?” – my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.

Chan didn’t hesitate.

Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didn’t doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.

“That’s not true. Maybe you don’t believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.”

His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.

“First of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times it’s some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.”

A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chan’s words, that I had some worth and wasn’t just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someone’s arms who I didn’t even think I was deserving of.

Yet, Chan’s arms remained around me, as if saying ‘You do deserve it’.

“Secondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. I’ve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know I’m at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or I’m obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.” – his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.

I didn’t react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.

Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldn’t understand how.

“You’ve never been too much, love. It’s okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. That’s why I and your closest friends are here, and I’m sure they’d say the same. We love you both when you’re quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.”

A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew I’d tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.

“But you’re busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I don’t—I don’t want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.” “You wouldn’t, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about I’ll put my phone on don’t disturb when I’m busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when I’m free, I’ll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.

My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldn’t.

“Please don’t ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. I’m always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,” – his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room – “I love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. It’s what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.”

His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.

“You give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.” “Perhaps that’s why Seungminnie said you’re dating a version of yourself.”

A chuckle blossomed in Chan’s chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.

“Can we stay like this for a little bit longer?” “Always, my love. Always.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

I'm happy that my writing could offer you some solace. It is why I published it, after all. And perhaps one day we will all get someone like Chan to help us in times like these, but until then, we will continue seeking comfort in fantasies and written words.

Too much

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: angst, comfort

warnings: self-hatred

word count: ~2.6k

summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.

a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veil–, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldn’t comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.

Now, it was my reality.

I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone I’d ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.

Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.

Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.

For so long – practically between comeback seasons – we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, I’d realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.

Talking with others didn’t feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. I’d become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.

How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.

It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.

I couldn’t believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.

I’d been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.

Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadn’t signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.

My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.

I wasn’t sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.

The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.

His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.

The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping he’d think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadn’t greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.

Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.

His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didn’t move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.

“Are you having a bad day mentally, or physically?” – he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.

I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasn’t enough to break the connection we had. Chan’s hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.

“How did you know?” – my voice was small, too small, yet he didn’t comment on it. “You only ever do this when something’s wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever you’re in need of a hug. Don’t shut me out, please? We’ve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.”

His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didn’t see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. I’d positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who I’d become, who I truly was.

The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chan’s veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; we’d laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldn’t be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldn’t speak now.

Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly I’d kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.

Chan didn’t speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasn’t engulfed and I wasn’t moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didn’t deserve. He didn’t know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.

To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.

I disgusted myself.

I wasn’t sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.

He knew it wouldn’t work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.

Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasn’t important right now.

“Channie, be honest. Am I too much?”

I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didn’t expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadn’t formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldn’t stay the same. Not anymore.

I couldn’t keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.

“What? Where did you even get this idea? Of course you’re not. You’re my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?” – his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.

I shook my head, denying his claims.

“Then what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?”

My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didn’t stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the droplets’ descent.

“I just realised some things now that you’re busy. Nobody said anything to me.”

Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.

“And what did you realise?” – his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.

A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.

And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.

“How can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know you’re busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isn’t fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. I’m clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they don’t, it’s physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?” – my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.

Chan didn’t hesitate.

Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didn’t doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.

“That’s not true. Maybe you don’t believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.”

His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.

“First of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times it’s some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.”

A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chan’s words, that I had some worth and wasn’t just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someone’s arms who I didn’t even think I was deserving of.

Yet, Chan’s arms remained around me, as if saying ‘You do deserve it’.

“Secondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. I’ve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know I’m at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or I’m obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.” – his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.

I didn’t react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.

Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldn’t understand how.

“You’ve never been too much, love. It’s okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. That’s why I and your closest friends are here, and I’m sure they’d say the same. We love you both when you’re quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.”

A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew I’d tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.

“But you’re busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I don’t—I don’t want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.” “You wouldn’t, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about I’ll put my phone on don’t disturb when I’m busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when I’m free, I’ll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.

My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldn’t.

“Please don’t ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. I’m always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,” – his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room – “I love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. It’s what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.”

His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.

“You give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.” “Perhaps that’s why Seungminnie said you’re dating a version of yourself.”

A chuckle blossomed in Chan’s chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.

“Can we stay like this for a little bit longer?” “Always, my love. Always.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Sona dear, you're fine, haha. Never late for anything, at least not in my eyes.

Also thank you, but I want you guys to know that the part that writes these is not me. Like how there is sweet Channie and then there is that flirting menace Christopher in the same body.

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Oh...!

I certainly hope you remembered how to breathe, but also thank you for liking it so much! I would offer to write more for this, but it would definitely not have this tone in the long run, haha.

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

NIKI WHAT

I am just a single person, not some Queen, stop–

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Still hate you for this, Nat. You absolute menace. I guess I can be glad Escape didn't have the same effect on me, huh? Although it did give me a lingering fic series idea...

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Too much

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: angst, comfort

warnings: self-hatred

word count: ~2.6k

summary: Loneliness is a silent killer, although when you notice its presence, you almost run into its blade willingly, had it not been for Chan to save you from yourself.

a/n: I know. Chan again. I apologise but he is my comfort place, in a sense.

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All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It was supposed to be a normal day, like any other, yet the weight in my chest only proved me wrong. It settled over me like a veil–, no, like chains, dragging me down to the bottom of the sea. Darkness enveloped me now, both in mind and in body, form hidden beneath the thick layer of my blanket. Even its fuzzy texture and soft fibres couldn’t comfort me, something I had thought impossible before.

Now, it was my reality.

I had woken up like usual, left alone in the shared apartment of my significant other. He worked hard, far harder than anyone I’d ever known, passionate about his job to a degree I could only ever hope to understand. My own work was remote, not needing me to leave the house much, if at all. Still, that had never stopped him from leaving me a message on my phone, always leading to us chatting until he got back home.

Until those messages had turned more and more sparse, comeback season having kept him understandably busy. It had always been a stressful season for him and the entire team, a fact I understood without a doubt.

Yet, on this particular day, a realisation had dawned on me: I relied on him too much.

For so long – practically between comeback seasons – we spent our days together, may that be through phone or not. And as he now worked away in his studio, far too busy to check my message, I’d realised how empty I felt. How my days were spent waiting for a notification, my heart caring too much about one person.

Talking with others didn’t feel the same, or at least those who understood me to a similar degree to him were just as busy, if somehow not more. I’d become isolated in this place, a prison of my own doing.

How I despised my heart for choosing who to trust the most, who to run to for attention when possible, like a touch-starved dog begging for headpats.

It was what had driven me beneath my blanket, curled up until my joints shifted and bones creaked, entirely too weakly body groaning in protest. I understood why it was screaming at me as it was I who had decided to lay there for hours, unmoving, on the verge of tears yet not quite letting them fall. Every single time my thoughts took a turn and over-analysed another interaction with someone, with him, my eyes turned glossy, imprisoning those crystalline droplets like my thoughts had imprisoned me.

I couldn’t believe how clingy I had become, how deeply it was embedded into my nature despite my endless tries to get rid of it, ever since I was a child. No human being could ever possibly give me this much of their attention, no matter how they said it was fine, as it was physically impossible.

I’d been hurt by those promises too much in the past to believe them again.

Yet, even now, I kept listening, breath stilling just so I could hear the soft buzzing of my phone: the telltale sign of a notification. None came, however, and I was left only feeling worse, like a leech that had somehow managed to deceive those around it. They hadn’t signed up for someone like me upon the beginning of our friendships; nobody would have expected to suddenly get a friend who needed attention practically all day and week.

My body shivered and I only curled up tighter, the day now gone with me having done nothing at all. No chores, no hobbies, nothing. I was lucky enough to have had today off work-wise, although perhaps it would have taken my mind off of this thing.

I wasn’t sure, although I would have had this realisation sooner or later anyway.

The lock turned and I froze, body straining to check my phone for a time. The sudden light blinded me and yet I powered through it, burning eyes confirming my suspicions: it was far too early for Chan to be home.

His steps had already halted somewhere in the living room, voice laced with worry as he called out to me. It was enough for me to know that I would be caught had I gone out to greet him, nowhere near a state stable enough to pretend I was fine. My glossy eyes only watered more from having checked my phone, sensitive to the bright light after being in the darkness for so long.

The door slowly creaked open and light poured in from behind me, yet I remained still, hoping he’d think I was asleep. It was strange enough I hadn’t greeted him back, tall form laden with comfy clothes and waddling out to greet him with an all-encompassing hug.

Now he only got a small lump under a blanket, still and unresponsive.

His voice was quiet as he called out to me again, gentle, as if speaking any louder would shatter me. The hand that now caressed my shoulder was equally gentle, if not more, careful to not put any pressure on me. Despite that I didn’t move, mindful of my breathing and keeping it steady.

“What’s wrong, love?”

Apparently I was much too late to pretend I was fine, easy to read like an open book.

“Are you having a bad day mentally, or physically?” – he tried again, that beautiful voice even more tender, just for my sake.

I shifted then, curling up even tighter, if possible, yet it wasn’t enough to break the connection we had. Chan’s hand remained firm on my shoulder, as if it was written in the fabric of reality to be so.

“How did you know?” – my voice was small, too small, yet he didn’t comment on it. “You only ever do this when something’s wrong. Besides, this is your comfort blanket, love. You use it when you want to feel cosy and whenever you’re in need of a hug. Don’t shut me out, please? We’ve talked about this. Let me hug you, let me take care of you.”

His words were met with silence, although my lower lip was trembling as the coil within my chest was wound too tight now. He didn’t see it, of course not, it was physically impossible. I’d positioned myself to not be seen, ashamed of myself and who I’d become, who I truly was.

The hold on my shoulder tightened ever so slightly, worry no doubt coursing through Chan’s veins at my lack of response. It was extremely rare for one of us to do this, to go completely silent; we’d laid down some rules in our relationship long ago, just so there wouldn’t be any hurt feelings over misunderstandings. But I couldn’t speak now.

Not when doing so would break the dam inside my heart, letting everything ugly I’d kept inside spill out and taint this wonderful person.

Chan didn’t speak again as he instead let his actions do all the talking, the bed dipping behind me as he laid down. I wasn’t engulfed and I wasn’t moved; he simply had that hand on my arm now, thumb going back and forth in a comforting motion I didn’t deserve. He didn’t know how it only made me feel worse, to receive comfort when I was the one supposed to be giving it.

To be so weak and dependent on someone who was already dealing with too many things, it disgusted me.

I disgusted myself.

I wasn’t sure how long we had remained like that, just him quietly laying behind me as I fought against my tears. Eventually I failed, the droplets spilling forth and leaving behind glistening trails on my skin. A soft sniffle escaped me without my consent, causing the hold on my arm to tighten, yet Chan never pressed for a response or explanation.

He knew it wouldn’t work, knew it would only cause me to shut myself off.

Instead the sheets rustled as I moved sluggishly, limbs aching and joints popping. I could already see the grimace on his face at the sounds, knowing not all were natural but due to the state of my withering body. No matter, it wasn’t important right now.

“Channie, be honest. Am I too much?”

I watched as his expression shifted, eyes wide and mouth agape in shock. He probably didn’t expect such a question without warning, although to me, its presence made complete sense. This gaping emptiness in my chest perhaps hadn’t formed today, but I finally noticed it and things couldn’t stay the same. Not anymore.

I couldn’t keep being this dependent on a few people, on him all alone.

“What? Where did you even get this idea? Of course you’re not. You’re my baby, my love, my everything. Did someone comment something like this again?” – his voice was rushed, firm, as if in a race to reassure me.

I shook my head, denying his claims.

“Then what happened? Where did you get that stupid idea from?”

My eyes momentarily closed as his hand slid up to my face, wiping a few tears away, only to have more in their wake. He didn’t stop though and instead lingered there, the missed warmth of his hand slowing the droplets’ descent.

“I just realised some things now that you’re busy. Nobody said anything to me.”

Those warm orbs twisted at my words, turning darker and pained. Both his hands held my face now and with so much affection I felt like I was robbing the man, feeling a twist in my stomach at just how worried he seemed now.

“And what did you realise?” – his voice was smaller this time, as if afraid to ask, to know.

A deep inhale expanded my chest forcefully, yet once again not enough to sever our bond. His hands remained firmly in place, thumbs catching my ever-falling tears, causing my chest to tighten impossibly more. The ends of my lips dipped the moment I could feel the dam cracking within my heart, within my soul, disgusting tar and sewage leaking out through the thin openings.

And he stood at its foot, arms open, ready to let it wash over him.

“How can you tolerate me? I yap and whine a lot, even when I know you’re busy and stressed. Even now, I should be the one comforting you and yet here I am, breaking down, again. This isn’t fair towards you, to have someone so demanding as me as your partner. Or as someone in your life in general. I’m clingy and can easily overthink things, needing constant reassurance that nobody has the fucking time or energy to give. Of course they don’t, it’s physically impossible, so why? Why do you look at me like this, as if seeing me in pain hurts you?” – my voice died near the end, cracking from the unbearable weight of my emotions.

Chan didn’t hesitate.

Steady arms pulled me close and buried me into his chest, as if he was openly offering the place for me to live. His heart beat strongly in its cage, and I didn’t doubt that he would have scooted it away just to give me space there. It was such a Chan thing to do, to give without needing anything back and it only drove that self-inflicted knife deeper into my own chest.

“That’s not true. Maybe you don’t believe me right now, but none of what you said is true.”

His hold on me only tightened as he muttered those words into my hair, holding me so tight it felt as if he thought I would disappear otherwise.

“First of all, you take care of me plenty, my love. You always check in on me, leave me something each day to enjoy. Sometimes it’s a small note with a doodle and a short, but sweet message on it, other times it’s some cookies I can take in and eat with the boys. Just the other night you held me like this, lulling me to sleep with your gentle touches and humming.”

A violent sob tore itself out of me at that, two sides of my mind warring against each other. One wanted to believe Chan’s words, that I had some worth and wasn’t just some greedy bastard, while the other was incapable of accepting such things. They fought against each other in a violent battle, rendering me a sobbing mess in someone’s arms who I didn’t even think I was deserving of.

Yet, Chan’s arms remained around me, as if saying ‘You do deserve it’.

“Secondly, you always do your best to respect my space out of your own volition. I’ve never had to ask for it, because whenever you know I’m at work or stressed, you keep to yourself a bit. Only when I replied or I’m obviously free do you bombard me with messages or cutely start rambling about a new hyperfixation of yours. And I love it when you do that. I love seeing you be so excited about something that you nearly burst at the seams, and even be more excited to tell me about it.” – his voice was tender, so sure in itself even in its wavering state.

I didn’t react, overwhelmed by the emotions wrecking my body from the inside, despicable and ugly.

Yet, he still loved me like this, and I couldn’t understand how.

“You’ve never been too much, love. It’s okay to feel lonely at times, to feel more comfortable with certain people than others. That’s why I and your closest friends are here, and I’m sure they’d say the same. We love you both when you’re quiet and more reserved, and when you can barely contain your excitement over wanting to share something.”

A hiccup escaped me at that, and I just knew I’d tainted his t-shirt, terribly so.

“But you’re busy and stressed, and also have to take care of the boys besides yourself. I don’t—I don’t want to add onto that by being clingy. I hate that I feel the need to do so.” “You wouldn’t, my love. Never. But to make you feel better, how about I’ll put my phone on don’t disturb when I’m busy, hm? Then you can message me whenever you want, and when I’m free, I’ll reply shortly. Would that make you feel better?”

I nodded into his shirt, although that solution was a mere bandage to an open wound. Blood kept gushing from it as the plaster could do nothing against its force, only time and self-reflection able to heal it, if anything.

My knuckles turned white from the force I held onto him, greedily basking in his warmth despite knowing I shouldn’t.

“Please don’t ever keep it in if you ever feel like this again. I’m always there for you, my love, always. And you should know by now, silly,” – his voice gained a certain lightness to it, desperately hoping to lift this heavy atmosphere in the room – “I love nothing more than taking care of the boys, taking care of you. It’s what drives me to be better, to always be there for you in case of anything.”

His lips pressed into the crown of my head, sending warmth gently crawling down my spine, easing the knots in my stomach and the tense state of my muscles.

“You give so much yet ask for nothing, deriving yourself of even your basic needs.” “Perhaps that’s why Seungminnie said you’re dating a version of yourself.”

A chuckle blossomed in Chan’s chest at that, brief but sincere all the same. I smiled at the sound, unable to keep it in when it was one of my favourites.

“Can we stay like this for a little bit longer?” “Always, my love. Always.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

One-way ticket

pairing: vampire! Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive, again

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: Your relationship with your otherworldly boyfriend has reached a point of no return, something you embrace with open arms.

a/n: I blame @writingforstraykids for this, again, as she made me watch Railway and reignite my love for vampire AUs, even though I'm still deeply buried in my werewolf brainrot. So take this thing I wrote at 2 am in a delirious haze, that song blasted into my ears directly with such force I now have the lyrics engraved into my brain.

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All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

Fascination had always driven me as I lived my life, surroundings endlessly housing something interesting enough for me to poke at, to unravel it and see how it ticked. Never once did I harm something in the process though, tenderly handling each animal as I observed them, always told I look like a child on Christmas night with the nebula of stars that had crawled into my eyes.

He’d said the same thing the first time we had met, truly met, real identity revealed for me to know. It had been a huge step in the connection we had shared, and it had only deepened this endless love I harboured for the man.

His smile alone was enough to lighten my day, sharp canines glinting in the light and yet I only found them all the more endearing, a fact he’d never failed to point out with the most love-sick expression I had ever seen.

It was a casual night when he’d beckoned me over to the couch where he sat, pulling my taller form down into his lap easily. With one hand on one of my knees and the other on the small of my back, he stared up into my surprised eyes, only chuckling at my reaction with that stupidly attractive dimpled smile of his.

“Did you know, love, that those silly stories about vampires aren’t all wrong?” - he started, immediately gaining my full attention. His smile only grew as he knew what buttons to push to earn it this fast, knowing me more than I knew myself at this point.

Being together for a few years granted that advantage to a person.

“What did you guys call it? Soulmates, I think? We do have that, or something similar at least. It’s a pull towards the one person we are connected to for eternity, unable to ignore or ever get rid of it. They’re the other halves of our souls we had lost in the afterlife, carved apart for having chosen immortality.”

His gaze never once wandered from me and I relished in it, drinking it all in like a starved animal. Every word was etched into my brain and I leaned closer, one hand carefully reaching up to cup Chan’s face. He leaned into my touch as my thumb caressed the skin residing underneath those bright, wine red and hauntingly white orbs, their shine temporarily hidden as he closed them in bliss.

“You’re my other half, my love. Knew it the moment our eyes met, the moment you didn’t run away when I revealed my true nature and instead looked at me with more love.”

His whispered words clearly rang inside my head despite the intense focus I had over his features, getting lost in his stare. It was as if he was worshipping me, memorising every little feature of my face, of my presence itself.

I didn’t move away when he leaned in, our lips sealed together, a rare act from someone as reserved as me. The hold he had on me only tightened and it told me everything I needed to know, his appreciation for this unique moment shared with me through our fleeting kiss.

“I want to share eternity with you, baby. Want to have you by my side forever, watch every sunset together until the universe itself ends.”

His words, albeit as cheesy as they could be, only spurred this burning feeling inside my chest that sparked from nothing. No, not nothing. It was created by that loving look in his eyes, the one that craved me in every possible way; both in body and in mind.

My limbs moved before I could even think about a coherent reply, weight shifting as our legs were now pressed close together, bodies facing each other. His face, the one that never once turned away from me, was framed by both my hands and he acted as if he wanted nothing less than that.

It was as if he wanted his entire body to be framed by my presence itself, so enamoured with me it hurt to witness.

A thumb gently pushed at his lips until his jaw opened slightly, sharp canine revealed and glinting in the vermillion liquid I coated it with. The wound on my finger stung and yet I could care less, much too focused on the man in front of me, the one my heart beat for with all its stubborn might.

His pupils widened the moment my blood hit his tongue, the only answer he needed before he spurred into action.

The inferno inside me only burned brighter when he picked me up, not strained by my weight at all. And as he carried me away, tenderly placing me onto our shared bed, I understood what he meant by that pulling feeling. It laid beneath that raging fire, overshadowed by its sudden and unusual appearance.

Despite that, it remained firmly in its place, so tied to Chan’s presence that living without the man caused my heart to nearly stop beating.

As if he’d heard my heart skipping a beat he moved, so close I could feel the chill from every inch of his skin that covered his dead body. His lips ghosted over my heated skin as he trapped me beneath himself, trailing along the veins pulsing just beneath my skin, hidden to us, mere humans, yet oh so obvious to his kind. It had always fascinated me how he could see them so well, so easily, yet I had only gotten a chuckle and a teasing answer whenever I’d asked, hiding his secrets away from me.

This time that same question couldn’t even leave my lips as he devoted every little touch to me and only me, his reverence so strong I could hear their words even without a single sound.

Fangs grazed my neck and goosebumps covered my skin, a little kiss my comfort the moment he noticed it. Despite that he continued, gazing up at me one final time, allowing me to see those irresistible depths turn brighter; vermillion mixed with burgundy while the whites shifted, painting my sight with endless mismatched roses swaying in the wind.

The pull inside me strengthened and the flower fields were disturbed, gentle swaying now turning violent, yet never once harming me with a single thorn.

His lips kissed the side of my neck and the muscles hidden beneath jumped at the sudden contact, the gentle action broken by sharp pain and the feeling of loss. My hands encircled him and travelled into his divine bangs, only turning them messier with each audible gulp he took.

Never once did fear take root inside my chest, my lover’s actions so gentle they felt nothing less than a ritual of worship, of devotion, only meant for me to bear witness to.

And as the world started growing dark, vision wavering and hold turning weak, those lips I knew oh so well left my neck, leaving a tiny lick and a kiss before familiar eyes met mine. He hovered above me like that, hand going up to cup my cheek as I stared at him, at those wonderful rose fields, and his expression only turned more loving in return, if possible at all.

Those endlessly starving orbs were the last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered closed, unable to keep myself awake with the sudden wave of exhaustion that swept over me. I didn’t realise how much he’d drank, just how much he had truly taken in such a short amount of time, and yet I trusted him completely even on death’s door.

The taste of iron lingered on my tongue as something dripped into my mouth, fingers careful as they pushed my lips open forcefully. It dripped down my throat and my body automatically took it in, as if embracing a missing piece I didn’t even know was needed.

Chilled air hit the shell of my ear as Chan leaned closer, the liquid fusing with my soul itself and stirring awake something I had long lost.

“Wake up, love, the night’s only just begun.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Damn, that MV...

[ihatedtoadmit]

T-thank you, Sona dear.

Art study

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: You're doing an art study on muscles, and who's a better candidate for reference than your wonderful boyfriend who keeps feeding his delulu fanbase with half-naked pictures?

a/n: Well well well, Nat, you don't have to pay to see me write something like this after all (if you will ever see this, because no chance am I tagging you or anyone, dear). Here, have fun, this is the most spice anyone can get out of my asexual ass.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

You were a very reserved person, something your partner knew all too well. Every touch the two of you shared throughout the entirety of your relationship had no heat behind it, each one only fueled by pure adoration and love. Never once did a kiss turn hungry, hell, there had barely been any kisses the two of you had shared due to your lack of need for the action. Chan knew it all too well, and while he craved more, he also respected it. The last thing he wanted to do was to make you uncomfortable, and so he’d never stepped over that line.

That was the exact reason for his current shyness, the confusion that wanted to sit onto his face hard to mask. There he stood in your doorway, the desk before your hunched form cluttered with pencils and little crumbs of dirty erasers. You were entirely too focused on the task at hand to notice your boyfriend's presence, the song that flowed through your headphones much too loud to hear any footsteps or even words. And so you continued drawing, clueless about anything as your lover watched you work, eyes flitting between your sketch and the endless reference pictures on your screen.

Pictures about him, his back fully on display and unclothed.

A touch broke you out of your concentration as you erased a line for the fourth time, scaring you into throwing away the pencil in your clutches just so you could tear the headphones off your head.

“Interesting art you have there, love.” - Chan mused, yet his skin was as flushed as ever.

You joined him as you could feel your own skin heating up, ashamed that you’d been caught like this. Eyes looked at everything besides your boyfriend, yet you found comfort in that warm touch of his.

“I was just… doing a study, on muscles.” - the words were but a mere whisper, hand quickly reaching to minimise your browser and just hide it from a certain pair of prying eyes.

Still, there was a feeling clawing at the cage of your soul, ripping at the flesh to be let out and rampage freely. It was feral and vicious, planting a thought into your head that seemed impossible to get out, no matter how alien it felt. You could feel your breath hitch at the image that popped into your head, memories of the images you had been staring at for a while now overlapping.

The hand on your shoulder gently squeezed, breaking you out of your derailing thoughts.

“I don't mind, baby, it just… caught me off guard? Glad you enjoyed my performances though.” - Chan’s voice was light, mixing well with the shyness he was trying to hide.

It only urged that fierceness inside to break free, granting you a surge of confidence you would have never had otherwise.

Without any words you finally glanced up at the man you loved, finding him utterly handsome; you would hone your artistic skills for the rest of your life just to capture a fragment of that beauty. His skin was dusted with a faint red, ears painted by the deepest of shades. Those eyes you loved to get lost in were alight with an emotion you had seen them only hold whenever he looked at the boys, and it took your breath away within a heartbeat.

Your body moved on its own, towering over him as you now stood. His hair was still slightly wet from the shower he must have just taken, and you just knew he had been originally on his way to his room to swap his bathrobe for those comfy, black clothes he loved to don in his free time.

He searched your gaze, unsure, yet trusting. His hands comfortably placed themselves onto your hips; their touch was warm, the man before you always running hot. It was something you loved as he balanced out your always cold hands wonderfully, reaching the perfect temperature you both enjoyed.

“Hey, love. How was work today?” - you asked, leaning closer than usual as you swiped those dark curls out of Chan’s face. He leaned into your touch, eyes closing for a second as he thought about his answer.

“The usual, although Hyunjin managed to piss off Minho again. It was a shoe this time that was the weapon, by the way.” - there was an airiness of joy to his words, yet no laugh accompanied it.

No, Chan was entirely too enamoured with the look you were giving him, as if you were worshipping him with your eyes alone. And maybe you were. With each look you studied the way your lover's skin moved, the shadows conforming accordingly. It lured you in, as if Chan was the siren and you were his prey, fated to be drowned in the vast oceans and seas.

He didn't move as you took him all in, hands eventually unable to keep themselves away. Your fingers were cold against the warmth of his fair skin, and you could hear his breath hitch, the muscles inside his neck moving beautifully.

There was something different in your touch, that much he knew, yet he wouldn't have it any other way.

As if you had never seen anything like it before, your hands glided over any free expanse of skin you could reach, memorising how the muscles hidden beneath curved and jumped at your touch. Never once did your eyes stray, wanting to remember every little detail. You wanted your art to be perfect, after all, to represent the real thing as closely as possible and that meant every little detail in their complete glory.

Your eyebrows furrowed as the white robe blocked you off, and so you slightly slid it off from one of Chan's shoulders. His hold on you tightened and you glanced at him briefly, seeing an intensity burning in those dark eyes, one you had never seen before.

You were playing with fire, and you could feel the heat of the danger.

Despite the clear wanting signs, you ignored them much like Icarus, hands now gliding down your lover's arm. Each touch held meaning, praising him in silence, singing odes about this man’s beauty. There was something so intriguing about watching the muscles connect to skin and bone, oh so perfectly toned and reacting to every touch of yours.

You stepped even closer, breaths mingling together as you reached into his robe, mapping out the vast skin of your partner's back. Every dip, every rise and imperfection was noted inside your head, the scorching star in Chan's eyes only growing in intensity as time passed. Your eyes flitted between those deadly stars and his neck, seeing it strain, muscles so tight that they jumped out of the skin in that lovely V-shape you could never grow bored of.

Then, as if something snapped, he gripped your waist with incredible force, not giving you a chance to escape. Despite that, no fear took residence inside you, your now warm fingers still laid peacefully on his shoulders.

“And what do I owe this extremely special moment to, baby?” - his words were a deep rumble, eyes begging for an answer with desperation.

“For being the most beautiful human to grace this planet, my wonderful love. Be my muse, please. Let me draw you, let me study you.” - you answered, one hand now cupping Chan's cheek tenderly, despite the uniquely heated situation.

As if that was the magic word to undo his binding, your lover moved, hauling your taller form easily onto the bed with him. There you were now, sat on his lap as he looked up at you expectantly, the intensity and love never diminishing in those bright eyes of his. Your sketchbook was still sitting beside you on the bed where you had originally thrown it at, hands itching to take it and immortalise what you had engraved into your mind in the past few minutes.

“I'll be your muse whenever, baby. All you needed to do was ask.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

I just thought you've forgotten about this blog of mine, with my hiatus and all. Let me dream, damn it OTL

Technically this wasn't fully Railway's fault, as this has been cooking inside my head for like a year now. It just accumulated (Wolfgang Chan was a big perpetrator btw, of course) and Railway was just the final straw.

Art study

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: You're doing an art study on muscles, and who's a better candidate for reference than your wonderful boyfriend who keeps feeding his delulu fanbase with half-naked pictures?

a/n: Well well well, Nat, you don't have to pay to see me write something like this after all (if you will ever see this, because no chance am I tagging you or anyone, dear). Here, have fun, this is the most spice anyone can get out of my asexual ass.

↳ Main Masterlist

All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

You were a very reserved person, something your partner knew all too well. Every touch the two of you shared throughout the entirety of your relationship had no heat behind it, each one only fueled by pure adoration and love. Never once did a kiss turn hungry, hell, there had barely been any kisses the two of you had shared due to your lack of need for the action. Chan knew it all too well, and while he craved more, he also respected it. The last thing he wanted to do was to make you uncomfortable, and so he’d never stepped over that line.

That was the exact reason for his current shyness, the confusion that wanted to sit onto his face hard to mask. There he stood in your doorway, the desk before your hunched form cluttered with pencils and little crumbs of dirty erasers. You were entirely too focused on the task at hand to notice your boyfriend's presence, the song that flowed through your headphones much too loud to hear any footsteps or even words. And so you continued drawing, clueless about anything as your lover watched you work, eyes flitting between your sketch and the endless reference pictures on your screen.

Pictures about him, his back fully on display and unclothed.

A touch broke you out of your concentration as you erased a line for the fourth time, scaring you into throwing away the pencil in your clutches just so you could tear the headphones off your head.

“Interesting art you have there, love.” - Chan mused, yet his skin was as flushed as ever.

You joined him as you could feel your own skin heating up, ashamed that you’d been caught like this. Eyes looked at everything besides your boyfriend, yet you found comfort in that warm touch of his.

“I was just… doing a study, on muscles.” - the words were but a mere whisper, hand quickly reaching to minimise your browser and just hide it from a certain pair of prying eyes.

Still, there was a feeling clawing at the cage of your soul, ripping at the flesh to be let out and rampage freely. It was feral and vicious, planting a thought into your head that seemed impossible to get out, no matter how alien it felt. You could feel your breath hitch at the image that popped into your head, memories of the images you had been staring at for a while now overlapping.

The hand on your shoulder gently squeezed, breaking you out of your derailing thoughts.

“I don't mind, baby, it just… caught me off guard? Glad you enjoyed my performances though.” - Chan’s voice was light, mixing well with the shyness he was trying to hide.

It only urged that fierceness inside to break free, granting you a surge of confidence you would have never had otherwise.

Without any words you finally glanced up at the man you loved, finding him utterly handsome; you would hone your artistic skills for the rest of your life just to capture a fragment of that beauty. His skin was dusted with a faint red, ears painted by the deepest of shades. Those eyes you loved to get lost in were alight with an emotion you had seen them only hold whenever he looked at the boys, and it took your breath away within a heartbeat.

Your body moved on its own, towering over him as you now stood. His hair was still slightly wet from the shower he must have just taken, and you just knew he had been originally on his way to his room to swap his bathrobe for those comfy, black clothes he loved to don in his free time.

He searched your gaze, unsure, yet trusting. His hands comfortably placed themselves onto your hips; their touch was warm, the man before you always running hot. It was something you loved as he balanced out your always cold hands wonderfully, reaching the perfect temperature you both enjoyed.

“Hey, love. How was work today?” - you asked, leaning closer than usual as you swiped those dark curls out of Chan’s face. He leaned into your touch, eyes closing for a second as he thought about his answer.

“The usual, although Hyunjin managed to piss off Minho again. It was a shoe this time that was the weapon, by the way.” - there was an airiness of joy to his words, yet no laugh accompanied it.

No, Chan was entirely too enamoured with the look you were giving him, as if you were worshipping him with your eyes alone. And maybe you were. With each look you studied the way your lover's skin moved, the shadows conforming accordingly. It lured you in, as if Chan was the siren and you were his prey, fated to be drowned in the vast oceans and seas.

He didn't move as you took him all in, hands eventually unable to keep themselves away. Your fingers were cold against the warmth of his fair skin, and you could hear his breath hitch, the muscles inside his neck moving beautifully.

There was something different in your touch, that much he knew, yet he wouldn't have it any other way.

As if you had never seen anything like it before, your hands glided over any free expanse of skin you could reach, memorising how the muscles hidden beneath curved and jumped at your touch. Never once did your eyes stray, wanting to remember every little detail. You wanted your art to be perfect, after all, to represent the real thing as closely as possible and that meant every little detail in their complete glory.

Your eyebrows furrowed as the white robe blocked you off, and so you slightly slid it off from one of Chan's shoulders. His hold on you tightened and you glanced at him briefly, seeing an intensity burning in those dark eyes, one you had never seen before.

You were playing with fire, and you could feel the heat of the danger.

Despite the clear wanting signs, you ignored them much like Icarus, hands now gliding down your lover's arm. Each touch held meaning, praising him in silence, singing odes about this man’s beauty. There was something so intriguing about watching the muscles connect to skin and bone, oh so perfectly toned and reacting to every touch of yours.

You stepped even closer, breaths mingling together as you reached into his robe, mapping out the vast skin of your partner's back. Every dip, every rise and imperfection was noted inside your head, the scorching star in Chan's eyes only growing in intensity as time passed. Your eyes flitted between those deadly stars and his neck, seeing it strain, muscles so tight that they jumped out of the skin in that lovely V-shape you could never grow bored of.

Then, as if something snapped, he gripped your waist with incredible force, not giving you a chance to escape. Despite that, no fear took residence inside you, your now warm fingers still laid peacefully on his shoulders.

“And what do I owe this extremely special moment to, baby?” - his words were a deep rumble, eyes begging for an answer with desperation.

“For being the most beautiful human to grace this planet, my wonderful love. Be my muse, please. Let me draw you, let me study you.” - you answered, one hand now cupping Chan's cheek tenderly, despite the uniquely heated situation.

As if that was the magic word to undo his binding, your lover moved, hauling your taller form easily onto the bed with him. There you were now, sat on his lap as he looked up at you expectantly, the intensity and love never diminishing in those bright eyes of his. Your sketchbook was still sitting beside you on the bed where you had originally thrown it at, hands itching to take it and immortalise what you had engraved into your mind in the past few minutes.

“I'll be your muse whenever, baby. All you needed to do was ask.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Art study

pairing: Bang Chan x gn! reader

genre: ...suggestive

warnings: nothing actually happens, so none besides teasing

word count: ~1.3k

summary: You're doing an art study on muscles, and who's a better candidate for reference than your wonderful boyfriend who keeps feeding his delulu fanbase with half-naked pictures?

a/n: Well well well, Nat, you don't have to pay to see me write something like this after all (if you will ever see this, because no chance am I tagging you or anyone, dear). Here, have fun, this is the most spice anyone can get out of my asexual ass.

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All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

You were a very reserved person, something your partner knew all too well. Every touch the two of you shared throughout the entirety of your relationship had no heat behind it, each one only fueled by pure adoration and love. Never once did a kiss turn hungry, hell, there had barely been any kisses the two of you had shared due to your lack of need for the action. Chan knew it all too well, and while he craved more, he also respected it. The last thing he wanted to do was to make you uncomfortable, and so he’d never stepped over that line.

That was the exact reason for his current shyness, the confusion that wanted to sit onto his face hard to mask. There he stood in your doorway, the desk before your hunched form cluttered with pencils and little crumbs of dirty erasers. You were entirely too focused on the task at hand to notice your boyfriend's presence, the song that flowed through your headphones much too loud to hear any footsteps or even words. And so you continued drawing, clueless about anything as your lover watched you work, eyes flitting between your sketch and the endless reference pictures on your screen.

Pictures about him, his back fully on display and unclothed.

A touch broke you out of your concentration as you erased a line for the fourth time, scaring you into throwing away the pencil in your clutches just so you could tear the headphones off your head.

“Interesting art you have there, love.” - Chan mused, yet his skin was as flushed as ever.

You joined him as you could feel your own skin heating up, ashamed that you’d been caught like this. Eyes looked at everything besides your boyfriend, yet you found comfort in that warm touch of his.

“I was just… doing a study, on muscles.” - the words were but a mere whisper, hand quickly reaching to minimise your browser and just hide it from a certain pair of prying eyes.

Still, there was a feeling clawing at the cage of your soul, ripping at the flesh to be let out and rampage freely. It was feral and vicious, planting a thought into your head that seemed impossible to get out, no matter how alien it felt. You could feel your breath hitch at the image that popped into your head, memories of the images you had been staring at for a while now overlapping.

The hand on your shoulder gently squeezed, breaking you out of your derailing thoughts.

“I don't mind, baby, it just… caught me off guard? Glad you enjoyed my performances though.” - Chan’s voice was light, mixing well with the shyness he was trying to hide.

It only urged that fierceness inside to break free, granting you a surge of confidence you would have never had otherwise.

Without any words you finally glanced up at the man you loved, finding him utterly handsome; you would hone your artistic skills for the rest of your life just to capture a fragment of that beauty. His skin was dusted with a faint red, ears painted by the deepest of shades. Those eyes you loved to get lost in were alight with an emotion you had seen them only hold whenever he looked at the boys, and it took your breath away within a heartbeat.

Your body moved on its own, towering over him as you now stood. His hair was still slightly wet from the shower he must have just taken, and you just knew he had been originally on his way to his room to swap his bathrobe for those comfy, black clothes he loved to don in his free time.

He searched your gaze, unsure, yet trusting. His hands comfortably placed themselves onto your hips; their touch was warm, the man before you always running hot. It was something you loved as he balanced out your always cold hands wonderfully, reaching the perfect temperature you both enjoyed.

“Hey, love. How was work today?” - you asked, leaning closer than usual as you swiped those dark curls out of Chan’s face. He leaned into your touch, eyes closing for a second as he thought about his answer.

“The usual, although Hyunjin managed to piss off Minho again. It was a shoe this time that was the weapon, by the way.” - there was an airiness of joy to his words, yet no laugh accompanied it.

No, Chan was entirely too enamoured with the look you were giving him, as if you were worshipping him with your eyes alone. And maybe you were. With each look you studied the way your lover's skin moved, the shadows conforming accordingly. It lured you in, as if Chan was the siren and you were his prey, fated to be drowned in the vast oceans and seas.

He didn't move as you took him all in, hands eventually unable to keep themselves away. Your fingers were cold against the warmth of his fair skin, and you could hear his breath hitch, the muscles inside his neck moving beautifully.

There was something different in your touch, that much he knew, yet he wouldn't have it any other way.

As if you had never seen anything like it before, your hands glided over any free expanse of skin you could reach, memorising how the muscles hidden beneath curved and jumped at your touch. Never once did your eyes stray, wanting to remember every little detail. You wanted your art to be perfect, after all, to represent the real thing as closely as possible and that meant every little detail in their complete glory.

Your eyebrows furrowed as the white robe blocked you off, and so you slightly slid it off from one of Chan's shoulders. His hold on you tightened and you glanced at him briefly, seeing an intensity burning in those dark eyes, one you had never seen before.

You were playing with fire, and you could feel the heat of the danger.

Despite the clear wanting signs, you ignored them much like Icarus, hands now gliding down your lover's arm. Each touch held meaning, praising him in silence, singing odes about this man’s beauty. There was something so intriguing about watching the muscles connect to skin and bone, oh so perfectly toned and reacting to every touch of yours.

You stepped even closer, breaths mingling together as you reached into his robe, mapping out the vast skin of your partner's back. Every dip, every rise and imperfection was noted inside your head, the scorching star in Chan's eyes only growing in intensity as time passed. Your eyes flitted between those deadly stars and his neck, seeing it strain, muscles so tight that they jumped out of the skin in that lovely V-shape you could never grow bored of.

Then, as if something snapped, he gripped your waist with incredible force, not giving you a chance to escape. Despite that, no fear took residence inside you, your now warm fingers still laid peacefully on his shoulders.

“And what do I owe this extremely special moment to, baby?” - his words were a deep rumble, eyes begging for an answer with desperation.

“For being the most beautiful human to grace this planet, my wonderful love. Be my muse, please. Let me draw you, let me study you.” - you answered, one hand now cupping Chan's cheek tenderly, despite the uniquely heated situation.

As if that was the magic word to undo his binding, your lover moved, hauling your taller form easily onto the bed with him. There you were now, sat on his lap as he looked up at you expectantly, the intensity and love never diminishing in those bright eyes of his. Your sketchbook was still sitting beside you on the bed where you had originally thrown it at, hands itching to take it and immortalise what you had engraved into your mind in the past few minutes.

“I'll be your muse whenever, baby. All you needed to do was ask.”

[ihatedtoadmit]

Zehina & Nat ramble - Hyune 2🖤

Somehow, by all miracles, you would be the only one able to convince him to try the food that he despises. Yes, eggplant included. Given, it would still take a lot of convincing on your part, but you’d win eventually, and sometimes his face doesn’t twist into disgust, a surprised expression taking over its place. You always get the biggest of smiles then, a happy little dance taking over your body. But you cannot help yourself, happy that your boyfriend found another food he could eat and even enjoy.

It's been years but you still can't get over the sad little face he pulls whenever he takes a bite of his current food. In the beginning you loved teasing him for it until you realized he's not doing it on purpose. That only made it more loveable and adorable in your eyes and you'd never get tired of the sight. Sometimes when he wasn't looking you quickly took a picture or a short video for you to save that moment forever.

do not repost, translate, or plagiarize my works in any way here or on other platforms. ©️writingforstraykids 2024 -

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[ihatedtoadmit]

Violet-coloured lenses

pairing: Bang Chan x male!reader

genre: angst, fluff(?)

warnings: gore, mention of suicide

word count: ~3.5k

summary: Chan hides his feelings and he couldn't regret that decision any more.

a/n: This is a bit different, you'll see in what ways. Hopefully it doesn't confuse you guys.

A Guide to the AU, in case you are unfamiliar with it (it does spoil the surprise though).

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All rights reserved. Please do not steal, repost or feed my work into AI. Thank you!

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, not at all.

We were supposed to just meet up for a friendly lil café date, all to help him wind down after a long day at work. He’d said he was tired, but needed some advice on some projects and I just couldn’t say no. Our chats where we’d agreed on where to meet were colourful and energetic, full of our usual friendly banter and memes. I was made fun of, of course I was, unable to escape being called old even outside of my lively group. Yet, I didn’t mind it, enjoying the soft tingling nestling inside my chest way too much for me to put a stop to it. Besides, he just looked too happy as he teased me and my heart always ached at the mere thought of being the reason for the disappearance of his smile. 

Every little laughter of his caused my skin to tingle, the breath stilling inside my lungs and deciding to take residency in there forever. Each touch and brush of our skin only caused my feelings to bloom, as if that was even possible at that point. That was the effect he had on me, being the sole reason for the colours to appear in this bleak world, for music to sound wonderful and hold meaning.

But I didn’t mind any of those, truly I didn’t. Not his teasing, not how he called me his friend, none of them.

My only regret was staying silent, now forced to watch his once bright face be still and pale, only the constant beeping sound providing me some form of mocking solace.

Why couldn’t I just say those simple words out loud at last? 

It had all been planned out, our shared friends having helped me cook up a foolproof plan. But it wasn’t enough, me being the biggest fool of them all, ultimately forcing me to now sit beside his still form in an all too white room.

The moment I’d showed up to the birthday party, looking all sharp and neat -Changbin had made sure of that-, I just simply couldn’t do anything. The breath had stilled in my lungs as my palms had grown sweaty, and a small tremor had run through the entirety of my body as I no doubt looked like a man-turned-stone.

But how could I not?

The one I had grown so fond of over the course of a few months had looked absolutely breathtaking in those casual clothes of his, a soft smile decorating his rosy lips perfectly. There was a twinkle residing in those dark orbs, as if they were hiding something that resided deep inside, but I couldn’t make sense of it. I was much too enamoured as a quiet chuckle had left him, amused by whatever Jisung had said.

The urge to gulp became impossible to ignore much too soon, that itching feeling clawing at the back of my throat fiercely once more.

And as the day had gone by, my eyes glued to that one person only, that itching feeling had only grown into a suffocating urge to cough. It had been getting bad lately, petals only increasing in number. And I’d known if I had continued like this, that hidden affection would have been the cause for my own death.

Those thoughts caused me to let out a broken laugh as I sat beside his unmoving form, the situation much too ironic for me to not do so.

Because all of those words turned out to be true. My drowning love would lead me to my own demise, with me being much too stubborn to give it up even in such a dire situation. And worst of all, I was completely aware of that, much to everyone else’s demise.

Instead of confessing to the one my heart beat for, to the man these rooted feelings had blossomed for, I’d instead spent that night hunched over the toilet in my own residence, much too sick to stay at the party anymore, where he was at. Every single glance I’d stolen of him scorched me, just like how each spoken syllable directed at me caused my chest to constrict painfully, the roots squeezing the walls of my lungs together viciously.

I hadn’t been able to keep pretending to be his friend anymore that night, the action much too painful for me to bear any longer.

How I wish I had held out just a bit longer, until the words spilled out of my mouth in a flurry of violet petals as gentle as he was.

“Hey, Chan. How’re things going?” - Felix’s voice broke me out of my dark thoughts, granting me just a second to stop blaming myself for what had happened. “Stable, I guess. He’s breathing, but there are no signs of him waking up yet. Not a single one…” - the words that had left my mouth sounded utterly broken, a surprise Felix heard them at all.

He silently shuffled next to me after having placed a grocery bag on the nightstand, his hand squeezing my shoulder reassuringly. It was as if he was trying to glue my shattered pieces back together, no matter how bleak it all looked. That was the thing with Felix. He never gave up and stayed by our side, my side, even though I’ve been glued to this uncomfortable plastic chair for the past 8 days relentlessly, refusing to let sleep claim me in case anything were to happen.

Anything at all, just, please.

“It’ll be okay, mate, trust me on this one. He’s never been one to give things up easily, have some trust in him. He’ll come back to us, to you.” - he whispered back after a beat of silence, and something in those words just broke me inside. “...if what you say is true, he wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed, having overdosed on meds just to try and take his own life.” “I know, but–” “Lix, his life was apparently so miserable he’d turned to this desperate ‘solution’! We didn’t notice anything, nothing at all! He smiled the same, he laughed the same, he behaved the same. Like a perfect mask. And we, we weren’t able to notice it was there in the first place. We couldn’t help him… I couldn’t help him.” - with each sentence my lungs burned, the air between us cooling down as I silently wheezed there, hand nearly tearing my remaining hair out. “Hyung…” “Don’t hyung me, Lix. You know I’m right. Maybe if I’d confessed that day he wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t be here now, dying due to my own stupidity.”

The room became completely silent after that, only the constant beeping and my own raspy breaths filled the air. The hold on my shoulder turned tight, desperate, and I could only lower my head in shame. It wasn’t enough that I could have prevented this entire hospital visit, no, now I had to lash out at Felix who was only here to help. Because without his help, his constant and relentless support, I wouldn’t be here anymore. I was sure of it.

What a hyung I am…

That hold on my shoulder suddenly disappeared, only for my collar to be grabbed and tugged at, the chair loudly falling to the ground as I was harshly ripped out of it. Our eyes were on the same level now, his hold on my shirt so strong the fabric nearly tore in half.

There were tears in Felix’s eyes, even though he looked the angriest I had seen him in a good while.

“Listen here Chan hyung and listen well. I don’t care how you spend each day here, how I need to get you food for you to survive and literally shove it down your throat, but you stop blaming yourself for everything that happened right now! No, we don’t know if your confession would have helped, get that through your thick skull finally! It wasn’t your fault, okay? Because if we go by that logic, I’m also to blame, being his best friend and-...”

By the end the younger aussie’s voice had broken, his arms letting go of me as I just crumbled to the ground. I could only watch from below as crystal droplets had started cascading down his frail face, eyebags I had never noticed before only becoming more prominent. And that wasn’t the only thing that had finally registered in my selfish brain, far from it. The boy was merely a ghost of his former self, skin pale and clinging alarmingly close to his bones, as if he himself had refused to do the one thing he came to me every day for. His moves were different too, hesitant, as if he didn’t have enough energy to execute them properly.

How could I have been so blind before?

As Felix merely stood there, quiet sobs escaping his tiny form he had desperately tried to muffle behind his hands, something inside me snapped. Whatever it was, I had no clue, but there was now nothing more to hold me together, nor to stop the dams from breaking.

We both just sobbed there, unable to hold back those loud wails for seemingly eternity, emotions running much too high for any of us to stop.

Minutes must have passed before my breath stuttered, my entire throat feeling as if it was drenched in a sea of fire, its only purpose to drag me down into its dark depths and drown me there. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get any air into my lungs, the petals inside preventing it from happening. I could feel their soft surface clinging to the bloody walls of my organs, leaving no surface bare, like a roadblock on a busy driveway or a kaleidoscope of butterflies swarming to the sweetest of nectars. The world ceased to exist, only the suffocating urge to survive, to breathe, remained. I couldn’t feel anything, only the bitter taste of iron inside my mouth and the wet feeling as it dripped onto my hands amidst my desperate struggles to finally take a proper breath. It was impossible to tell what was happening anymore and soon my lungs gave up the near impossible fight, my body having lost its strength completely, unable to hold itself up anymore.

The last thing I remembered was the feeling of the small violets resting in my hands, bound together by that awfully deep shade of red.

READ FURTHER FOR HAPPY ENDING

-.-.-

I awoke to a deep pain that resided inside my skull, a groan escaping my dry lips as I was unable to hold it back. Even worse, harsh light assaulted my eyes the moment I’d opened them, causing a scowl to be etched deep into my face. I tried my best to block out the offensive brightness with my hands, but every move felt sluggish, as if I was underwater. It merely succeeded to confuse me, not a clue why I’d be in such a predicament.

Once I opened my eyes I only grew more alarmed, that familiar beeping now finally registering in my brain, its sped-up version heard crystal clear in my head at last.

Why was I in a hospital room?

Looking around didn’t help me at all, as the room was bare, save for a sleeping Minho by my side. His chin was tucked into his chest as he silently slept there, hands crossed and brows deeply furrowed. And as my eyes carefully roamed over his resting form, dread sat heavily into my stomach.

He looked just as bad as Felix did.

Minho might not have been as close to the one my heart blossomed for as Felix or Jisung was, but that didn’t mean this entire situation had no effect on him. Especially with how stubborn I’d been lately, the team’s supposed leader and the one they could turn to for advice.

I remember to this day how he’d stormed into the hospital room, distress clear on his face as he’d looked at me, Felix hot on his heels and out of breath. That was the day Minho’d learnt about my situation, the disease that ran inside my veins and slowly poisoned every inch of my lungs, my throat, in a morbidly beautiful way. The look he’d had in his eyes had nearly killed me, those glistening chocolate orbs wide with fear.

Fear of losing me, his only hyung.

It wasn’t rare for us to argue, especially me and Minho. There was a certain level of trust between us, the two oldest that made it easier to understand the other. But that day, he had raised his voice against me, demanding that I take the surgery and have those deadly flowers cut out.

And what have I done in return?

I argued back, as he’d never be able to understand my feelings. How would I ever be able to live without love in my life, without all those memories of the one I adored? I just couldn’t.

It had taken Felix for us to quiet down, my eyes unable to find Minho’s as his long hair had covered them. And so I had turned away, done with the conversation, when the quietest voice I had ever heard from him reached my ears. I had only believed that it had come from him because I had seen his lips moving, desperation clear in his entire body.

Minho had begged me to have the surgery.

Minho wasn’t a man who begged for anything. He was always strong, determined, ready with a plan to get what he wanted easily. But to see him in that state… I’d considered his request, even if only for a heartbeat or two. That, I couldn’t deny.

Despite all that, how intensely we had argued, he sat there in the corner of the room now, asleep as he no doubt stayed by my side for much too long. I couldn’t help but smile at that, warmth filling up my body.

Although that wasn’t the only thing that I’d felt, a vicious cough ripping itself out of my lungs as I heaved there, barely able to sit up and lean to the side to at least try and get into a more comfortable position. With each cough I could feel something tearing out of the tissue residing deep inside, petals and leaves freeing themselves first and being the messengers of its presence.

I had nearly given up when it had finally freed itself, a handful of violets now laying in my blood-covered hands, looking up at me with their splotches of colours.

“Good job Hyung, let me clean you up.”

I didn’t even notice Minho had been by my side this whole time, his warm hand leaving my back as he took the soiled flowers from my hands without hesitation, depositing them into a nearby bin. He was fast in cleaning his own hands before grabbing some wet wipes, motions gentle as he cleaned my hands silently.

When he turned my head up to clean the vermillion droplets residing on my chin, I could see how utterly defeated he looked. It was as if he had accepted the fate I had chosen, forced to witness my downfall as he could do nothing about it except watch from beside me.

It made my chest constrict painfully, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

Just as I was about to reach out towards him, the door to my room bursted open violently, a distraught Felix standing there. He was panting hard, no word able to escape his exhausted form and we could only exchange a worried, yet confused glance with Minho at that.

What could have been so urgent?

Our silent question was answered soon enough, the words I was desperately hoping to hear finally hitting my ears and making me second-guess myself. Was I truly so far gone that I’d hallucinated it? Wouldn’t have been the first time after all, my wishes chasing me into brief nightmares even in my sleepless hours.

“He’s awake.” - Felix repeated himself, eyes solely on me and my frozen form.

It took me that second confirmation to realise I wasn’t hallucinating this time, my body springing into action. Minho wasn’t fast enough to catch me, my hands having already torn out the IV and other, different machines that were attached to my skin. I didn’t care about any of them, or how it stung to remain a few.

All that mattered was that he was awake, alive, and I could talk to him again.

Felix didn’t hesitate to scramble out of my way as I became a force to be reckoned with, unable to be stopped no matter what. Minho tried his best to try and do just that, or at least to slow me down, but I could care less about that at the moment.

It didn’t take long for me to find where he was, the door closed and waiting for me to open. Yet, as much power as I had so far, it all drained out of me at the thought of confronting him, of speaking the truth at last. It was as if my legs had rooted themselves into place, my entire body paralysed in fear.

All it took was Minho and Felix to gently push my back, silently beckoning me to finally take that step forward.

The door opened and there he sat in the bed, silently gazing out the window. He had lost some weight and his skin was now pale, yet he was still captivatingly beautiful in my tearful eyes.

My feet made a sound on the cold floor of the room as I made a few tentative steps. Our eyes met, those dark orbs I loved so much twinkling in delight and looking lively again, their glistening surface drawing me in. Tears carved their seemingly permanent way down my cheeks, my dimples coming out of their hiding places as I just stood there, taking it all in.

He moved before I could fully register it at all, his much taller, yet thinner form nearly knocking me down to the ground, were it not for the others. His hold on me was strong, desperate, as if he was trying to mould me into his own skin and I could only sob as he held me in his arms.

He was alive, his heart beating fast, his body warm and he was holding me tight, so, so tight I could feel my broken pieces being mended together.

As I just stood there, soaking in his warmth and sobbing into his chest, no doubt soaking his hospital gown, a quiet question hit my ears.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Channie?”

The sobs froze into my lungs, wet eyes now staring up at him as he drew me away so he could look at my face directly.

“Why didn’t you tell me you love me? That you were dying because of me?” - he asked once more, his voice so full of hurt I was ashamed of myself. “I-... I wanted to. But it was me who hurt myself, not you, never you! I’am dying due to my own stupidity.” - I replied, unable to meet his eyes.

His hands slid down from my shoulders, gently taking my own hands into their hold. It was as if he was handling something fragile, his touch featherlight and never too harsh. It made my skin tickle and flush, his care only causing my stomach to flip inside and turn on its own head.

“I never thought this would happen. That someone would have feelings towards me, of all people. So I’m sorry, so sorry that I never noticed. But… even if you won’t forgive me, can I hear it from you this time? That you love me?” - his question was equally gentle, his inability to see his own beauty cutting deep into my heart painfully.

I grasped his hands in return, determined to never let him go, even if only as friends. And with a deep breath, I answered his doubts.

“I love you. I love you so fiercely it nearly suffocates me, but I could care less. I’m in love with you, my dear butterfly.”

His eyes twinkled at my words, lips wobbling and glistening tears finally falling to the ground. I’d nearly feared he hated me so much my confession made him cry, but he spoke before I could, his hold on me tighter than ever.

“I love you too Chan. Please never doubt that, never again.”

I didn’t hesitate to hug him close immediately, the reality of his response not hitting me fully yet. Only after a minute did my brain register his words, a wide smile dancing on my lips as we sobbed in each other's holds, unwilling to let the other go.

I didn’t care how the others were now all there to witness us, hugging in tear-soaked hospital gowns. We were both happily in our own little world, inseparable from the other, soaking up each other’s presence and warmth we missed oh so much.

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