if-i-want-to-write-i-will-blog

[if-i-want-to-write-i-will-blog]

The Hardest Pill to Swallow...

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x Reader

Genre/Warnings: Angst and like five curse words if that lol

Words: 6.3k

A/N: This is my first-ever story so I apologize if there's any problem, if you see anything please let me know and please feel free to leave any feedback or criticism that you feel is needed. Also this story is inspired by the song “Molly” by Lil Dicky ft Brendon Urie for Panic! At The Disco

"Today the day" Jungkook thought to himself The day he had been dreading for months, Y/N's wedding day. If he would have been asked four years ago would he have been excited for this day, he would have said yes because that would have meant that is was his wedding day as well, but this wasn't four years ago and it wasn't his wedding day...

Four years ago…

Jungkook's POV

Jungkook had just landed back in Korea after a long tour and the only thing he wanted to do was see Y/N, his girlfriend of three years, tours were always hard on their relationship because they both hated the distance but in the beginning they always made the best out of a hard situation. Skype was a lifesaver but the time difference was always a struggle so those calls were few in between and never lasted longer than 30 minute to an hour which never seemed to be enough time because frankly it wasn't enough between Jungkook's busy schedule and Y/N's job as a Fashion Editor, it was all the time they could spare but they were happy with those small moments and it made the distance seem shorter but that was then... Nowadays you looked so much more tired and stressed and with prominent bags under your eyes it was obvious that you were going through something but you weren't telling him which was making him worry more but he tried not to show because he wanted to be strong for you since you had always been the strong one in the relationship from the start, he felt like it was his turn to do the same. He would ask his Hyungs for advice on what to do but he felt like he always got the same generic responses from all of them from "She's just stressed" or "You're seeing to much into it" or "Don't worry about it too much" or "She'll open up when she's ready" and his favorite one of all... "Wait it out, things will be fine" but that was the thing, he already believed things would be fine he didn't need reassurance of that, what he wanted was advice of how to help things become fine again instead of "Waiting it out" like what was suggested to him. He was never good at just letting nature take its course, he wanted to jump right in front of the problem and fix it right away instead of letting it fester away but he didn't know what else to do, he didn't want to pry because obviously she didn't want to talk about whatever was going on with her and no one was giving him any good ideas on how to go about it the way he wanted without pry so he was forced to do the thing he hated the most, wait... Wait and see if all of his suspicions were valid or just that, he need to see with his own eyes if his worry was called for or if his Hyungs were right and he was "seeing to much into it"... he really hoped he was but he had a sinking feeling that he wasn't seeing enough into it but as of right now, all he really wanted was to see you; no matter how nervous he was to find out the answers to all of his burning questions, he couldn't deny how excited he was to see you after being apart for so long.

Y/N's POV

Jungkook was landing today and on every other occasion like this, you were normally excited to see him after being apart for so long, normally you would try to be at the airport to greet him right away and if you couldn't for whatever reason, you would make sure to have a nice set up at home waiting for him to get there with all his favorite foods and whatever new anime he was raving about cued up on Netflix ready for a binge marathon that would be full of hugs and laughter with the occasional pillow fight if you two disagreed on which character was better or which scene was the most climactic and the night would end with the two of you cuddling up to each other with tears in your eyes and pain in your sides from laughing too hard and those moments were always one of the best things about your relationship with him. It was the little things that always made you so happy to be with Jungkook, no matter how hard the distance got, it was those moments you looked forward to the most but this time was not a normal occasion. You didn't even try to meet him at the airport and you didn't have a set up waiting for him to arrive but the worst part of it all was that you didn't feel excited to see him...You felt this growing pit in your stomach everytime your thought of him because you knew what you were about to do, what you had to do... You had to breakup with him. It wasn't that you didn't love him anymore, in fact you still loved him very much but you weren't happy with him anymore, more accurately you couldn't take the distance anymore. You felt like you two were together but just barely because of how little time you two actually spend  together, yeah Skyping was great but it didn't compare to having him literally sitting right in front of you and being able to reach out and touch him if you wanted to, whenever you wanted to. You had even started to find yourself becoming increasingly jealous of every couple you came in contact with, may it be your friends or a complete and total stranger. You wanted what they had, contact with the person you were with instead of only being able to see them through laptop screen for 30 fucking minutes! You were sad and frustrated and you found yourself crying alone because the person you want to be there to console was probably halfway around the world and even if he wasn't that far, he still was nowhere near as close as you wanted him to be. When you started having these feelings, it make you feel selfish like you couldn't get pass yourself to be happy for Jungkook and his success but it wasn't that you weren't happy for him, it was actually the opposite, you couldn't have been more happy for him and the rest of them then you already were. You were unbelievably proud of all they had accomplished in a short period of time, words could never describe the feeling you had when you first saw them at the BBMAS, you cried so many tears of joy when you saw them win Top Social Artist,only for them to come back and win again the following year and not only win but perform! They were living their best lives and you couldn't have been happier but at the end of the day, you were sad that you couldn't have ran up to Jungkook after the win to congratulate him and after the performance to tell him what a amazing job he did and to tell him in person how proud you were of him but that couldn't be. You felt like everything you were feeling was so cliche of a long distance relationship and maybe it was but it did change the fact that this was how you were feeling and that very feeling was making to pull away from Jungkook. You were becoming more vague whenever you were asked how your day at work or in general had been and it wasn't like you didn't want to tell him but the excitement you felt when you told him before wasn't there and it would make the whole situation awkward and those few in between calls became even fewer in between or at least it felt that way to you. You were nervous to hear how the Jungkook would react to finding out that you want to breakup,would he be angry? Or relieved? Did you want him to be relieved? Did you want him to fight for you with promises of things becoming better? You didn't know if you were going to be completely honest with yourself, part of you wanted to said yes, that you wanted him to fight the breakup to convince you not to let a small thing like distance end a three year relationship with someone who you still loved and who loved you back, but the other part of you didn't want to drag it out further than it needs to be, it was already a hard situation and didn't want to have to fight back and forth tooth and nail to convince the other that your way was for the best for both of you; the idea of having to fight him made you sick and you were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn't even hear the door to your shared apartment unlocked.

Narrator's POV

Jungkook was exhausted to say the least after having a 14 hours flight, then having to deal with ARMY's at the airports (not to say that he didn't love seeing ARMY's, he just needed some time to refuel before see them again so soon) and then dealing with traffic just to make it to his apartment. so at the moment all he wanted to do was to chow down on some lamb stew and binge watch some anime like they normally did once he got back but when he unlocked the door and saw you sitting on the couch in the living room looking like you were the one who just had a 14 hour flight and didn't get a wink of sleep in that time frame, he knew that all of the suspicions he was having were well-founded and the nervousness he had been feeling in the earlier hours of the day that he had to push in the back of his mind was now at the forefront and stronger than ever. "Babe what's wrong?" was the first thing he said to you, it felt so foreign for this to be his first greeting to you after not seeing you for months, it should have been light-hearted and happy but instead it was so much tension in the air you could cut it with a knife, the feeling was palpable so much so that he knew you felt it too and if anyone else had been there they would have felt it as well and as the silence grew he could feel how tense and nervous he was getting as he waited for you to answer him. He watched as you chose your words carefully debating on how you want to approach this seemingly sensitive topic, it felt like he had been waiting forever until Y/N begin to speak "Jungkook I-" you started before cutting yourself off and without you even starting up again Jungkook knew that this situation was far worse than he had ever anticipated, this was the infamous "we need to talk" type of situation and the realization of that made Jungkook's mind run a hundred miles per hour trying to figure out what to do to fix this. He was so deep in thought that he didn't realize that Y/N had stood up from her place on the couch and begun walking towards him in fact he didn't even realize it until you reach out to hold both of his hands "Before I say this I want you to know that this isn't because of anything you've done and I know that this is the most cliche "it's isn’t you, it's me"  thing to say but it's true and I want you to know that no matter what I love you from the bottom of my heart and I always will" Y/N stopped, gets a little choked up at the end and Jungkook could feel the unshed tears burning in the back of his eyes "If you love me so much then why are you breaking up with me?" He asked while trying to hold his composure and you asked him simply "Because I'm not happy in the situation we're in." You paused for a second, almost as if you were letting the gravity of your words sink in and before Jungkook could respond you continued "I always knew that I wasn't the type of person that could sustain a long-distance relationship but I was willing to try for you and at first even though it was hard, it worked and we were happy but as time went by the gravity of our situation really settled in with me and I realize that things weren't going to change they were only going to get worse and if I want to get out of this I had to do it before I traveled further down this rabbit hole." And with that the floodgates opened up and both you and Jungkook were crying your eyes out but you didn't stop explaining yourself. You told him about the jealousy you felt toward other couples and the loneliness you begin feeling every time you spoke to him because no matter how the words shared between you two made you feel close the distance was felt because he wasn't physically there and in your mind no amount of words could ever close the gap that distance had created between the two of you. You made sure to constantly remind him that you didn't blame him for this feeling you were having and that it wasn't his fault in the least bit but you knew your words could do nothing to comfort him because you can already see in his body language that he was blaming himself for everything that had gone wrong in this relationship, you knew that he felt that if he wasn't an idol this would never have happened because he would have been there and not traveling all the time and maybe he was right that he would have been there but he has so much passion in his heart that any other occupation would have been mundane for him and you doubt that he could have lived a mundane life and you didn't want to hold him back and the second you realize that he was blaming the idol life for the downfall of your relationship you knew what he was considering and you finally pause your rambling to really look at him. His eyes were red and puffy from all of the crying but they were also concentrated with a newfound determination and you knew you had to stop that idea from fully formulating in his mind "Don't" you said simply "What?..." He finally looked up at you, breaking his train of thought "Don't leave BTS... They need you and without you they wouldn't be the same and you know that" He looked down again pondering over what you said "If I did leave, would you stay or am I just fighting a losing battle?" He asked hoping to see if there was any change your demeanor, any possibility that this crushing situation could make a change for the better. "No, I wouldn't." You answered honestly because you wouldn't have wanted him to give up his dream for you, that in your mind would have been the ultimate act of selfishness "Y/N please don't do this to us..." Jungkook begged in a choked voice but you knew you had to do this... for the both of you and you weren't just saying that to make yourself feel better about what you were doing because that would have just been pathetic,you were saying this because this was truly what you felt was the best for both of you and you just knew that Jungkook would see it too, he just needed time to heal but Jungkook knew better, he knew that he would never get over this and everything in him was he yelling at him fight, to try and convince you that this wasn't for the best like you believed but like you said he was fighting a losing battle. "If this is really what you want..." Jungkook said still hoping that you'd realize this was a mistake and you'd change your mind "It is what I want" you said hoping that one day you'd be able to see the happiness that used to be in his eyes "Then...okay" Okay... that was the only thing he could say before he stood up and told you that he would move into the apartment with his Hyungs and that you should keep the apartment that you two once shared, he also informed you that he would come back later to move his things out and you told him that you were in no rush to kick him out of the apartment and for him to take all the time he needed. You were becoming increasingly worried about him because you could see that he was closing in on himself you could only hope that he would open up to one of his Hyungs because you knew there was no way he'd open up to you; not after this. The only thing you could do was reach out and hug him but he tensed up and didn't hug you back so you moved back quickly feeling as if you had crossed a boundary "I'm sorry... for everything" You said in a low voice "It's okay" Jungkook told you and in all honesty, it wasn't that he didn't want to hugs you back, he just didn't want to breakdown again and with that he left.

Y/N's POV

Some month had passed since the breakup and the boys were about to go back on the road in a few weeks but Jungkook had never come back for his things like he told you he would and at first you didn't want to text him about it about because you felt like it was too soon to talk to him but with the upcoming tour you knew he would need some things so you decided to bite the bullet and text but he never replied back to you and after a week of trying to reach him, you gave up and texted Namjoon who replied back to you immediately and told you he would be there in the morning to get the younger boy’s belongings. When Namjoon showed up he greeted you with a warm smile and a hug "Yeah kid, how have you been?" he asked with genuine concern in his voice "I've been better" you answered honestly "How's Jungkook?" You asked the question you've wanted to know since he left your apartment "He's.... He's not okay Y/N. He hasn't been okay since the breakup, he's been trying to hide it but it isn't working ; even ARMY's are starting to notice that something's up with him. All he's been doing is working his ass off day in and day out." Namjoon answered you in all honesty. You felt so bad hearing what he was going through and you wanted to be there for him with every fiber in your being but you knew you weren't the right one to console him, the only ones who could do that now was his Hyungs. Seeing the concern on your face Namjoon begun to assure you that Jungkook would be fine and that he just needed time and that you should focus on yourself and you promised him that you would. The rest of the day was filled with small talk as the two of you packed up Jungkook's belongings and soon enough the two of you were done "Well I guess it's time for me to go" Namjoon said as he placed the last box of Jungkook's belongings in the car "I guess so" You said as you gave Namjoon a hug "Thank you for coming to get his things. I know how hard it would have been for him." You told him "It's was no problem" he told you "And like I said before make sure to take care of yourself" He added as he hopped into the driver's seat "I will and good luck on the tour! And please take care of Jungkook, he really needs all of you right now." You asked him "I will, I promise and thank you" And with that and a wave Namjoon drove off with the last bit of evidence that you and Jungkook even lived together and part of you were sad at the fact that now your apartment looked more empty then you were use to but the other side of you look at it as room for possibilities, it was hard but you knew slowly but surely that you would move on and you were hopeful that Jungkook would too.

Present day…

Jungkook's POV

"Aye! You ready to go?" Taehyung had snapped Jungkook out of his thoughts of the past and brought him back into reality "Come on slowpoke! We don't want to be late for Y/N's wedding!" Taehyung exclaimed in excitement "Yeah yeah don't rush me perfection takes time! I have to make sure Y/N see what she messed out on" Jungkook said in a joking manner "HA! What she messed out on? More like the bullet she dodge!" Jimin laughed "If she messed out on anything it would have been me!" Jimin added with a wiggle of his eyebrows "You really think so? If you ask me, I'd say you're too short for her" Jungkook rebuttal "Hey! Is the anyway to talk to your Hyung!?" Jimin said with humor in his voice but also hint of annoyance for being called short again "Okay you two enough with the banter! We gotta go or we're really going to be late!" Seokjin informed the two of them "Okay okay we're coming!" Jungkook called out to Seokjin "After you short stuff!" Jungkook motioned for Jimin to go before him with a wink and Jimin hit his in the side which only made Jungkook laugh more "You know what? You're going to get enough of calling me short" Jimin said as he started walking pass the maknae and Jungkook only reply was laughter. Even though Jungkook seemed happy and all smiles, he was hurting of the inside, everything in him was telling him that even after four years he wasn't ready to see you let alone watch you literally walk down the aisle into the arms of someone who wasn't him. He wanted to stay home and scream until his lungs gave out and cry to his heart's content and kick and punch something or someone and that someone being himself for not fight as hard as he knew he should have but he knew he couldn't do that because he was tired of all the pity looks that he would get from his Hyungs after the breakup first happened and he was tired of them always asking him if he was okay every five seconds when it was obvious that he wasn't and he just wanted them to leave him alone but he knew they were doing this because they cared about him and wanted him to open up about how he was feeling instead of bottling it up because it wasn't healthy but he didn't care that it wasn't healthy because not matter how pathetic it sound or pathetic it made him feel, this feeling was the only thing he has still connecting him to you and he still wasn't ready to let it go yet. The drive to the banquet hall was filled with the same banter between the maknae line along with the occasional dad joke from Seokjin that resulted in Hoseok and Jimin laughing hysterically and Yoongi acting like he was annoyed by the cheesiness but in all actuality he enjoyed it as much as everyone else and everyone knew it. Everything seems like things are going back to normal like nothing changed but things had changed and Jungkook was feeling it heavily but at this point he had become a master at hiding his emotions because he didn’t  wanting to worry his Hyungs or ARMY’s… Or you for the matter so bottled it up and act like nothing happened. When they finally arrived, all of them filed out the car with Jungkook being the last and as he looked up at the place that would hold your wedding all the nervousness that he had been trying to bottle up came crashing down like a wave and this undeniable feeling of dread settled in the pit of his stomach that cause him to pause in his step and the first one to notice this was Yoongi “Hey are you okay?” Yoongi ask and he cringed the second he did because he already knew how much Jungkook hated to be asked if he was okay especially when it came to Y/N, and Yoongi could understand the appeal of putting up a wall but he also knew how unhealthy they could be “Yes I’m fine” Jungkook said his with a sigh as he began his ascend up the steps of the banquet hall but Yoongi stopped him “You do know it’s okay if you’re not and you don't have to put up a facade with me or any of us for that manner because we're always here to support you no matter what you're going through so if you don't want to sit through this wedding no one would think any less of you” Yoongi told him in an honest voice and as his words begun to settle in he looked up and realize that all of his Hyungs had to stop their ascend and was waiting for his answer, all willing to turn around right now and forget all about this wedding and pretend like they never showed up in the first place and for the first time in four years Jungkook really let his walls down and show just this how vulnerable he was and how this whole situation had just broke him “Okay maybe we should leave” Namjoon said before anyone else could say anything “ Yeah I think that's probably the best idea” Hoseok chimes in “No” Jungkook in a very finite way “I have to see this through if I don't I'll never get over this,  I'll never let it go and this is the only way I think I can give some closure for myself” Jungkook added in all honesty in full disclosure, no walls, no facades, just honestly. As he said this his thoughts went back to the day that the invitation to your wedding arrived in the mail.

Six months ago…

“We invite you to come and celebrate the union of Y/N and Y/F/N” He just kept reading that part over and over again while staring at the picture of you and your fiance looking so happy, it was driving him crazy he couldn't believe you were getting married! He always knew you wanted to but at the time he always thought it'd be him that you marry not this random Joe Schmo. And since the breakup the thought of you getting married never even crossed his mind that is until this invitation came in the mail and here you were standing with the most generic guy and with the biggest shit eating grin he’d even seen. He knew he was just being jealous and petty and he knew if it was him standing next to you in that picture instead of this guy, he would have the same grin on his face but in the moment he didn't care the only thing he cared about in the moment was releasing all the pent-up aggression he felt towards the man he never met but who had everything he wanted so he released it in the only way he knew how, by going to the gym. Jungkook was the guy who seems like he had it all, fame, fortune and a plethora of girls throwing themselves at him left and right but he didn't want a plethora of girls he wanted a one in particular but she didn't want him back, especially not now that she was marrying Y/F/N... He knew from that day on he would hate that name with a passion, the same passion that he loved your name with. At first he decided he wasn't going to go to the wedding and resolved to throwing the invitation into the trash bin the second he got a chance but he wasn't the only one who got the invitation in fact Y/N had sent one to every member of the group individually and soon enough they were all excited for her wedding and raving about what they will wear and how pretty she were going to look in the wedding dress and how happy the photo looked with Y/N’s fiance and if he wanted to keep his facade of being okay and being over you, he had to act equally as excited as everyone else if not more, which meant he was forced to go and couldn't ignore it the way he wanted to because it was going to be thrown in his face every day for six long months.

Present day…

Coming back out of his thoughts again he looked up at his Hyungs with a newfound revolve he had to do this not only for his sake but for yours too because he knew how worried you have been these past four years that he wasn't getting over the breakup and you were right but he didn't want to show that and he knew that if he didn't show up for this wedding then she would know that all her suspicions were right and that he wasn't over the breakup and that would just put a damper on your mood for your wedding and he will be damned if he did anything to ruin this day for you because beyond all the jealousy and sadness he was feeling over the fact that you  ultimately didn't choose him and all he wants is for you to be happy and if this guy Y/F/N made you happy then he would do everything in his power to be happy for you even if he couldn't be happy for himself. “Kook…are you sure?” Seokjin ask wanting to make sure that the maknae knew what he was getting himself into and that once he walked through those doors there was no turning back and that if he did it turn back it would be worse than if he had never walking through them in the first place, it was a long pause as Jungkook contemplated options but he ultimately knew that he had to face the music “Yeah I’m sure”  Jungkook finally answered “Then I guess it's time for us  to make our entrance” Namjoon said settling the conversation as the seven members continued their on their way into the banquet hall, once inside they were shocked to see just how beautifully decorated the banquet hall was, even though they shouldn't have been since Y/N  was a fashion editor and she had connections everywhere so Jungkook was sure that it wasn't hard for you to plan this wedding and make it perfect; unlike some brides you probably even enjoyed it immensely without becoming a bridezilla that was one thing he could never see you be coming. Soon enough the seven members were usher to their seats and informed that the wedding would proceed very soon,  jungkook's eyes scan the room and before long they landed on someone he recognized your best friend and the seconds they made eye contact she came running over to their table to greet them “Oh my God! Jungkook! Guys! Hi! It’s so good to see you! I’m so happy you all were able to make it you know with your busy schedule and such”  she greeted all of them with a huge smile and big hugs “It's good to see you Y/B/F/N” Jungkook said simply with a smile of his own “Oh my God! Y/N is going to be so happy that you guys made it! At first she was skeptical about sending out those invites to you guys because she didn't want to impose on your schedule and make you feel like you had to come but I told her that was nonsense and sent them out anyway. She was mad at me at first but when you guys RSVP that you are coming she was shocked but also very happy and so was I!” Y/N best friend explained in a very excited manner “Of course! We wouldn’t miss this for the world” Namjoon responded to Y/B/F/N “I see”  she said a little bit of a singalong flirtatious matter “Well I would love to sit around here and talk with you guys more but I have to go do a maid of honor stuff I hope to see you guys after the wedding” she added “Maybe we'll see” was Namjoon’s response because frankly he wasn't sure how well Jungkook was going to hold up during the wedding and if he would even be able to attend the after-party and with that Y/B/F/N was off. After that conversation every other encounter that came after was what normally happens whenever any of them was spotted out in public, chaos, but it wasn't the chaos of ARMY’s at airports or concerts or on the street, it was the chaos of everyone coming up to them to ask them about themselves from their work to their personal lives to people they know to why they were there in the first place, there were just nonstops questions left and right and they began to feel as if they were taking the spotlight of this being your big day away from you which was the last thing any of them wanted to do but soon enough everyone started to settle down as Y/N mother came out which signal the beginning of the wedding. And a knot in the pit of Jungkook’s stomach that always seemed to get to him at the worst moments follow this pattern. After Y/N mother the groom took his place at the altar and Jungkook finally got to see Y/F/N in person, maybe not up close and personal but then again he really didn't want to see him up close and personal but still in person. He has that same stupid grin on his face that Jungkook have grown to hate, he looks so fucking happy and it pissed Jungkook off, he was so focused on the anger he felt for your husband-to-be that everyone else who came out seem like a blur to him until he heard the famous tune that signals the bride is walking down the aisle. At that sound everyone turned in unison to see you enter and you looked stunning in your beautiful white gown decorated with ornate patterns that made the dress stand out all the more in all the right places, it has been everything have Jungkook had dreamt but now all the seemed like a nightmare, he thought that seeing you walking down the aisle and marrying someone else would give him the closure that he need really over the relationship that had ended four years ago but all it did was make him feel sick to his stomach knowing that it wasn't right but the fact of the matter is the only person it wasn't right for him. You looked absolutely happy, happier than you have ever looked when you were with him. And that fact alone made him even more sad than he already was you really have moved on to someone much better than him and there was nothing he could do to stop it and he shouldn't want to because he wanted you to be this happy with or without him. You were so focus on your husband-to-be that you walked right pass Jungkook and didn't even see him and in all honesty he shouldn't take this personally because in that moment you didn't see anyone else except the person that you planned on spending the rest of your life with but this hit him like a ton of bricks and he realized that this wasn't the closure that he had planned on getting when he walked into this building today but this was a closure he got, the brutal honesty of the fact that the girl that he was still in love with had moved clear pass him and that he was totally out of her focus. As Y/N finally reached the altar to stand side-by-side with the man that she would be married to within only moments, the love felt between the two was just as palpable as the tension that was felt the day that the two of you have called it quits. There was no turning back now there was nothing he could do to ever get you back, you were truly happy with the guy and as much as he hated him and he really hated him, he couldn't deny how happy he made you just by seeing with you up there. When the ceremony got to the part where the minister says “speak now or forever hold your peace” Jungkook could feel all of his Hyungs turn to look at him to see if he was going to say anything. Part of them wanted him to because maybe just maybe things could turn out good for their maknae in the end and they could see him ride off into the proverbial sunset but a bigger part of them knew that it was better that he held his peace which he did while never looking away from the one who got away.