ibtisttime

[ibtisttime]

It's frustrating. Not knowing where I'm headed in life, not being able to take a big decision for myself because I'm worried it will not serve me.

I'm just wandering around at this point. I have no clear idea of what home is and where I want to live and settle. Maybe I don't want to settle? maybe I'm meant to keep going around everywhere. I don't know.

Does everyone just feel the same or do people who know exactly where they're going actually exist?

I wonder how it feels like, being able to sleep well at night knowing what you will have to do the day after to lead you to where you want to be.

But now that I'm thinking about it a little further, that's probably not for me. because, wouldn't it be too boring? having no actual thrills and no edge to your life? I also do not know abou this, this might be just me trying to make myself feel better.

[ibtisttime]

You deserve to heal.

[ibtisttime]

Deprived

Today marks exactly one year since my grandmother died. I remember it all so clearly, obviously, because it hasn't been that long.

I actually was living abroad at that time, and just got home from a beautiful vacation in one of my favourite hotels. I recived a call from my brother, informing me og what happenned, and of course without giving it a second thought I just rushed to the airport. Not because I was devistated of the news or anything. I just knew I had to be there for my mother. I just knew that if I didn't let her rely on me in a time like that, when will I ever be of use to her.

The news was very sad to me yes, even way harder than I imagined it would be. To be honest, I never was so close to my grandmother so I always expected to not be so affected by her death, but damn I was.

Still, I don't think it compares to how everyone else says they feel when losing a grand parent. It wasn't as hard for me as losing my cousin also, but still it was hard. And I did think of her often many many times after it.

About a month ago I went to visit my aunt. I did have a beautiful time there ans she brought up my grandma once. She told me how my grandma used to care for her and for her children so much. that she financially helped her and bought her many things, both for her and for her kids. I never knew about these things but I'm glad she did tell me. It mad remember how painful it was for me to have her as a grandmother.

I never so deeply thought of this but even her is root to many of my insecurities I believe. While she liked everyone else and held them dear to her.She never really cared for me. I remember younger me, about nine or ten years old, wondering why she wasn't as affectionate to me as she was to thers. I even thought it might be my problem, maybe I'm different? And so I tried to copy one of my cousins and went and layed my head on her lap, waiting for her to pat me, but she never did. of course she wouldn't.

I'm so sorry to my little self for making her do that. I wish I could pick her up from that lap that stiffenned because she was there and give her a hug. Giver her all the love she dereves. She was so tin and precious. They were all so unworthy of her.

All that grandmother did to me was compare me to others. always telling me how my haor isn't pretty, how my skin isn't a perfect coulour, how my manners aren't good. She would never miss to bring up how my much older cousin is doing way better than I am. and how I'll never be as good her, I'll always be behind.

I remember the day I finally got a big scholarship in a foreign country, and my mom going to inform her. She didn't like the news one bit. I could feel it, but I ignored it. Bet she wanted me to stay a loser my whole life, bet she wanted that cousin to achieve more than I did.

But I did it grandma, I became the best among both your children and your grandchildren. I became who everyone looks up to. How are you liking it now? I don't know, and I don't care to know. I just wish that maybe in a deep place inside your heart, you cared for me, even if only for a little bit. I will tell myself it was it and you only failed to show it. But always know, because of you, I was deprived of affection. wether you did have it for me or not.

[ibtisttime]

Only what's good for you

Mother, the woman that carried you for months and brought you to this world, stayed up day and night to watch over you, went through so much to raise you, always only thought about what's good for you. Or good for her??

Mother, a figure that society has always glorified, the one figure that is never be disrespected, always treated as something holy. I think the one thing that the whole world does agree on, no matter what religion, race, culture, background, belief, is how much mothers should be respected. And I certainly agree too, the mother figure is one like no other. Mothers do endure so much physical and emotional damage to just bring us to this world. They make sacrifies like no other for their childern, like how many moms around the world have quit chasing their dreams or doing their jobs just to have the baby they were pregnant with? I'm certainly not trying to discredit them in any why but, hasn't this gone too far??

I am writing about this because I think it's not talked about enough. Because so many people are put through so much just because they somehow are not very big fans of their moms. You can't stand your mother??? you're a horrible ungreatful child.

Mothers are painted as angels who are always there for you, understand you like no other, stand up for you, give you all the affection and love you need, assist you in major life decisions, be inspirational, role models, someone you can rely on and be proud of. And it seems to me that they're not just painted as such. Most mothers are actually so kind and angel like. This is the only way to explain how unaccepted it became to express being not so content with your mother. Maybe because most people really do not know what it is like to have a mother of another sort. to have a mother that only wanted what's the best for you (for her).

They have not experienced it, so they cannot understand. How can you be not all about your mother? you're the weird one. What they don't ubderstand is, maybe you weren't lucky enough to be blessed with a mother like theirs. And that this act of glorifying motherhood so much, is what enabled some other moms to become horrible to their children.

Just as I was typing this, my mom called me. uncharged her negative load on me and hung up. If I was the same as a I was a couple of years ago, I would be sitting now crying and thinking of what I could do to help her. She would be the center of every action and every decision I make. But no, now I realized it is all part of a much bigger and much more horrible thing. And I realized I should not let it affect me.

Many mothers have no idea what parenting or motherhood is. they are unable to provide their children with motherly affection and sometimes even go beyond that and create issues for their children.

If you do not like your mother, if you do not want to be in the same environement as her, or even if you absolutely loath her, just know that it's okay. You are probably not the problem. it is just your mother trying to live through you and her making everything so suffocating. her obsessive behaviours of controling every litlle detail of your life, and always being right, is the problem.

Oh and the guilt tripping. of making herself a victim and making you feel like you're a horrible person for slightly standing up for your life. just never fall for those traps. it is time for you to start establishing boundaries.

[ibtisttime]

The pretty girl with the pretty handwriting.

I've always envied people with remarkable talents. yes I have no shame in saying it. I wasn't jealous, I did actually envy them. I believe we are allowed to feel however we want as long as we do not let it affect other people badly. I never did something to stop them from being so talented or to discourage them and I think that's what matters most.

I bet all of you remember that one kid in class who could either draw, play an instrument so well or even something so small like having a pretty handrwiting. How the teachers obviously liked them more. made sure we all knew how better they were from us for being so talented.

One memory I remember so vividly, is of french class in primary school. see, I've always been the top of that class back then with no close competitor. I was privileged I guess, I have to admit it, for having two very fluent parents and also multiple older siblings that could speak the language so well. Me being the top of the class however, was expected and not something to be celebrated at home. but at school, it was my moment to shine, because there has always been a kid that draws better, one that sang better, and one that could write better. It was the only class where I could feel how everyone admired me so much and wanted to learn from me. kids would line up at the door of my house to get some help with their homeworks or to have me accept being parts of their projects. French class was definitely my favourite class. That until the pretty girl showed up.

I don't remember how or when she exaclty joined our school. Maybe because all of those past memories are so blurred to me now (yes, one of the reasons I am writing is to try and collect all those pieces to help me find out who I was). I just remember it being 4th grade and her being my same height which makes her tower over all the girls in class with me. I remember her being so pretty, having a very pale skin, smooth dark long hair, beautiful dark eyes that barely showed with her bangs, a very slim figure and a very cute voice. Nothing like me, all quite the opposite actually. She was so charming from a very young age. and I believe she naturally knew how to use those charms from a very young age too.

I can't recall wether we were friends or not but I have memory of talking to her in the school's yard and her bringing up kids songs and shows that were so foreign to me. I remember there being a circle of pople around her when she told us about those songs and sang to us.

What I clearely remember about this girl, is french class. I remember to this day how her voice sounded like when she mispronounced basic words in french. or how she called the teacher in a strained cute tone. I mean, I remember her level being so poor.

But one day the french teacher was examining our writing and he noticed hers. he was so surprised, he lifted her copy book and showed all of us how well pretty her handwriting was. He from then on, made her his favourite, always called her to the board to write stuff and praised her every single day. And of course, made sure to remind us every time how better she was from everyone else. And everyone else (me) faded away.

I remeber hating it so much, ever since I was a kid. Why am I being compared to someone who was obviously blessed? why are they better than me if they didn't even try?? I was the one with the knowledge and the grades, why is he better? I was a child, and I was angry. And of course, as any child would do, I just prayed and prayed to magically wake up with some sort of talent, and that talent never came.

I think I realized at such an early age, how important pretty is. and how pretty with talent is so powerful and would always win over hard work. Maybe not always, but very often.

I also realized at such a young age, how I was lacking in both. I just decided at the age of 9 that I was not pretty. I did not have the looks and I did not have the manners and the attitude of a pretty girl, I just knew I didn't. I also had no significant talent that would make me shine more than others. I was very very mediocre. the only thing I had was grades.

So now I find it funny when people ask me why I do not think I'm pretty. Yes I might be pretty, gorgeous even to some. but in the society I grew up in, I am way less than normal, unpleasing to the eye I would say. I just came to know this through multiple experiences. so before anyone just tells me to be confident in my looks and feel pretty in my own skin. they better first undrstand that it is deeply rooted in me. I was conditioned to think like this.

I will for sure grow out of this, I already healed the biggest part I would say. But not feeling pretty is okay. sometimes it can't be helped and needs years and years of work and self acceptance. so people saying YOU ARE PRETTY YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT are just very fuuny and quite delusional even.

[ibtisttime]

I chose to raise a cactus.

I always admired people who kept pets, especially dogs. the dedication they put into taking care of them is so admirable. you have to feed them, clean them, take them for a walk, evry single day. no skips.

I always knew having a pet was not for me. I know I'll be unable to take care of them and I do not want little precious creatures to suffer because of me. I work all day, so having a dog is an absolute no because the poor thing would end up depressed alone, a cat?? I always considered it but what if I forget to bring them food? I even forget to feed myself sometmes.

I tried having plants before, and I was so happy and dedicated at first but I ended up not being able to maintain them. Forgot about placing them in the sun or watering them a few times, and when the bad weather came they just died.

I, as a person, is so lonely. I always wanted a companion but if I know I cannot take care of a pet or even a plant, can I take care of a person? am I worthy of having anyone? I wouldn't want anyone to be in a relationship with me for me to end up forgetting to just be there for them because I know all relationships demand dedication and investements.

Maybe the reason I am alone is because I have nothing good to give to anyone, at least not consistantly, maybe I am just never committed, to pets, to my plants, and to people.

[ibtisttime]

I just had the biggest urge to write and let my words be out there for the world o see, I did not know how to start or where to go but something told me to go here, it felt like this is the place for me to share exctly what I want to share.

I hope this does not end up being a one time thing as I really wish for my words to be read.

I did write before, alone, for myself, and then I just lost all will to writ for multiple years, and yestreday it just hit me that I do want to write again and I do not want to miss my timimg.