ibhnubyeejyuavzoo

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

November 4, 2024

We were talking on the phone. I told some stories that has occurred to me while the time that we been apart. I told her about my first and second relationship. Going down memory lane and how E name was associate with them as well. Like all roads lead to E. After that she had to go. She told me she wouldn't talk to me until Tuesday when she come down. I went over to her sister house to eat pho. I got a called from her. I should just answer the call. But I didn't because I was petty. I really wanna hear her voice. She called me again. I didn't pick up. I texted her. I could tell she was upset with me, because she was just replying with one or two words. She was being really cold with her words. She even said sigh really hard because you are literally such a dummy. Goodnight. I told her that I want to talk to her. I am a dummy and I am a sucker for you. I just didn't want to bother her. She said don't be a sucker to me, it will make me give in. She sent a message and unsent it. I told her I wam a sucker for you and I really would do anything for you. She said fine I am sorry for ignoring you forgive me. I told her don't be sorry and I forgive you. She told me she was not mad cuz I didn't pick her calls. I asked if she was okay. She said she was fine. I just asking to make sure. I told her that if you aren't telling me the truth. It doesn't change how amazing and strong you are. Take it easy on yourself. If there anthing I can do or you just need someone to listen to. I will always be here for you. She replied with thanks I can't really stay mad at you. I swear you are just so good with you words. I just told her it just words and it not much. She told me to stop being so good with your words. I told her I am just speaking from my heart. But you deserve the world. She said broo this why I can't stay mad at you. She is fine and thank for the kind words. at 9:23pm I decided to call her. She picked up. I asked her what she is doing. She said she was trying to sleep. I told her I am sorry. I just wanted to hear her voice one more time before we take a break. I really needed to hear her voice one more time. She told me to stop sugaring her up. I was be honest. I missed her voice and I will miss it alot since won't talk. I asked her to smile for me even though I can't see her. After 14 minutes I left the call. I didn't want too but I did. I told her that I can't stop thinking about her. Maybe it is the alcohol that is making me bold. I can't wait for the day we are together again. I miss her alot. I got drunk and ko at her sister house. Once I got up and left we called each other. We talked more. She asked me again should we not tak anymore until next week. I said i guess you don't want to talk to me. It is okay. She said she does want to talk to me. I told her do you really I don't know prove it to me. She replied of course I wanna talk to you. The more I do, I feel like I am going crazy literally. I just feel like I just want to talk to you all the tim and she has all these question and stuff she wants to say but she has to hold herself back. I told her I felt the same way. It is crazy how much I crave for her presence now. I didn't believe I would be like this and have the courage to tell you how I f eel about you. I apologzie for saying so much. She said she does really want to keep talking to me. I make her feel some sort of way that she really didn't expect. It is really cdrazy and it is driving her crazy. Crazy because she just want my attention. She said will wait and wait till she sees me. I told her she does have my attention and more. I agree with how crazy things are right now. I told her I realized that there is no rush. I just to enjoy every moment we have together. I want to take in everything and appreciate it. Cherish evry single second minute hour and day. So I can wait. I can wait till I see you too. She replied thank you I really appericate you and I really mean it. It is all so crazy, you make me want to give in to you everytime. But thank you for being ptient and thank you for waiting.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

November 1, 2024

I haven't been in contact with E since she left to Oregon with her boyfriend. For obvious reason. But I wonder how she is feeling. I literally just confessed my feelings to her. I crashed so hard haha. I was really suprised by her respond after as well. Confused me alot and suprised me alot. I wonder how she is doing, because I cannot stop thinking about our conversation. I go instagram and I see she posted a picture of herself with the song Cinnamon by Lana Del Ray. The lyrics of the song said "There's things I wanna say to you But I'll just let you live." I was wondering if she was speaking to me. So I posted a picture on my story and I used the song Back to U by Slander. Using the lyrics "So maybe I should put my heart out on the table and fuck it if it breaks. And maybe I've been hiding from what I'm afraid of." Eventually when I got back on instagram E liked my story. So later that day she posted another selfie. I liked it as well. So later that night when I was working. I was listening to a song from drake marvin room. Suddenly, I get a text from E at 12;26am on November 2. I was so surprised. First thought was she has been thinking about me just like how I have too. I texted back. But it was a quick talk. She said she had to go and have a good day at work. I left her on read. I continue working and trying not to think so much about it. At 1:01am, I received a call from her. I picked and I heard her beautiful voice. I asked she had something to tell me, but she said had nothing. I was like okay. I hear voices come closer to her. She told me she had to go. So she hung up. I was so flustered. I was happy she did texted me and called. I was like damn she really misses me. I really missed her alot. I thought she would had waited a few more hours to text me and call me. I finish my shift of work. I came home and I knew she was gonna call me sooner or later. I was waitng fo it. I just knew she would call. I couldn't wait. She finally called and we talked. It was really nice hearin her voice after not being able to talk to her for the past days. E had a Bachelorette party to go, once she left I left to go to her sister house. I remember see E on facebook call with her sister. She look so lovely. We texted each other. She told me she had a few drinks. I was worried, because she had a long drive home and she usually can't take alcohol. I was hoping to leave the same as her so we could talk on the phone. But I took awhile. Once I got to my car I called her and we talked. I don't remember much as well. We both were buzzed. She was tired as well. But I ended up confessing more of my feelings for her. I remember E saying do you think it is because you miss me? I told her I do miss you. She replied back by saying I miss you too. I miss you alot actually. Broo that hit so hard. I was felt like the luckiest dude in the world. She eventually fell asleep.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear E Part 4,

The one that got way. You are definitely are for sure. The biggest what if in my life. The biggest fumble in my life. Right person wrong time? I am not so sure. It was the right person I just made the wrong choice. I had her in the palm of my hands. She was all mines for the taking if I wanted to. Yet, I didn’t accept the opportunity. I let this opportunity pass by. I regret it everyday the more I think about it. Only positive I can see from it is that you seem happier and you have grown so much. Honestly, that is all I ever wanted. To see you happy, because you deserve all the happiness in the world. Also, you deserve nothing but the very best. I ask myself what made me so attractive to you. The more I talked to you on the phone. The more I fell in love hearing your voice. I always look forward to start my day hearing your voice and ending my day with your voice. I loved your smile, because it was so beautiful. I still think to this day, your smile is your best feature. You brighten the whole world with your smile. I tried my best to always make you smile, because I loved seeing it. I don’t know how well I did though. Your jokes and humor was one of kind. I can’t really explain to well. It just really cute and it is humorous in a clever way. Even though I am not good myself at speaking hmong. I loved it when you spoke in hmong. The fact you were fluent and you would crack corny hmong jokes. It is crazy, I would never thought that would be something I liked about someone. I think that goes back to your lovely voice. Your personality was so ambitious, assertive, cheerful, charming, conscientious, easy-going, funny, fun, kind, loyal, mature, outgoing, open-minded. One of kind. Unmatched. Unprecedented. One in a million.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

October 31, 204

E and I were talking. I basically told E that she has every right to be mean to me. That if oneday she ever does get mad at me and decides to go off on me. It is justified. It is understandable. Because I did her wrong. E goes and tells me I shouldn’t feel that way. She doesn’t have any right. Because we were nothing. We were never together like that. That she liked me alot. She loved me so much. She was head over heels for me. That I probably didn’t know that. She felt like I probably never liked her anyways. That is why I never got with her. If I liked her at least I would tried to be with her. So she just kept saying I don’t believe you ever liked/loved me. I was just another girl. So it was bothering so much. I told E wait, let me be honest with you. I can’t really stand it you saying this, because it is not the truth. E got frustrated and was saying don’t want to hear it. It is in the past, so just let it go. But I know it still bother her alot. I had a really hard time telling her how I felt. Because i still feel the same way. I didn’t think I would be telling her my feels right now. I told her the first two sentences I wrote about her. Which were the one that got away. I am pretty sure of it. Because she has always been the person i have always been searching for. You had all the traits and qualities I ever wanted from someone. To always being there and especially when I had nothing. That I always think about to the last time I saw her. I remember sitting there thinking to myself. That I should just cancel with M. I should just text E. Tell her the truth. That she has always been the one I ever wanted in my life. Because my feelings for E was way more than M. I just met M. But I have been talking to E and spending so much time with her. It has almost been 2 years. But I still ended up going with M. I regret my decision. I know it was a mistake. I wish I could had stay true to how I truly felt. I wish I just came back to E, aologize for everything and tell her the very truth. E was quiet. But she replied with a big sigh and was like you are so stupid. She said if I knew you felt that way I would had tried harder to make you stay. I would had never let you go. Those words were so touching yet it also hurt. She told me she still can’t believe that I felt that way towards her. I never seem like that towards her. She said she feels better now, because she always thought I never felt the same way. That she was just dumb and stupid. Knowing how I felt made her feel better. But she was upset, because if I really felt like that then why did I go to M. She was mad she lost to M still. She kept questioning if I really felt that way about her. I told her I really did feel that way. I liked her a lot. Saying that I like her was an understatement. I know I loved you for fact. E kept saying I really don’t believe. You need to prove it to me and show me you did. I was like dumbfounded. I was like wtf you really serious? She was like yeah you need to, because I don’t believe you. I was okay then I guess I show you. She was like you need to show me so I can know how you truly. That was pretty much of that conversation. We would talk more about our past. The things that happened between us. I asked her if she remember that I kissed her. She said yes she remembers. She said that she was really hurt when I told her that it was a dream. But I said that because she seemed like she wasn’t sure. She said she wanted to see what I would say. Since I responded with that she was sad. I felt so bad. I wish I knew you testing me. If I did, I would kissed you again right there. Then ask you is this a dream or not? Going down memory lane with you. It brought a lot of happiness and sadness. Because it was good time with you and I had some of my best moments with you. But I don’t think we will ever be a thing. I just don’t think fate will allow us to. So many things have to align for us to ever happen. I don’t have high hopes for it to happen E.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

October 27, 2024

Today I woke up around 4:45am. I got a text message from E around 4:49am. After that I got up. I have been sleeping majority of the time after since 11:00pm. The day before I couldn't sleep and I stayed up to 7pm until I finally fell asleep. I went to find something to eat and then I went to shower. After, I started to text my letters to S and I. I finally finished the letters and I sent it out to them. It was around 6am. I waited until my friend J came around 7am. We both went to Stockton to pick up my kayak. Once, we got there I got a message from I. Sky river please. I was so confused. I texted him a question mark. F came out and open the garage for me. We talked for a bit and I told him what happened. F told me it will not be the same without me. His kids will miss me. That if I need anything he will still be there for me. We shook hands one more time and hugged it out. I got a little teary, but I held it in. So I started to text I. He really wanted me to meet him. I told him I will meet him once I get done with putting my kayak. I finished putting away kayak. I thank J for coming out to help me. I left to sky river to meet with I. When I got there, he got inside my car and we talked. He told me that he received my messsage. Right after that he started to ball his eyes out. Telling me that he doesn't let me go. He feels like he is closer to me than any of his siblings or family members. That really touch my heart. I started to cry and tear up as well. Because, I honestly did not think he felt that way. I know we created a great brotherhood bond with each other. Just didn't expect for him to say that. He asked me for what happened. I told him the truth. I lost feelings for your sister. It is not her fault. It just me and nothing else. He understood where I was coming from. He asked if this goodbye. I told him it is not. I will always be a call or text away. If I see him around I will come say hi and won't be a stranger. Before he left he gave me a parting gift. He gave me his twice cards. I thank him for everything and the gift as well. Also, apologizing for making him sad and leave work. I didn't mean too. He left. I got a text from B. He wanted me to call me. So I called him and we talked. He just wanted to hear from me what happened. I told him the same thing. B just told me that he still sees me the same. He understand where I am coming from. He felt the same way before with his realtionship. He said I am always welcome to his house. If I ever want to hangout just call him and he will be down. He will miss me and it definitely won't be the same without me. I got teary hearing that as well. Before he was gonna end the call he told me that he will keep this between us. I feel relief. I really wanted to say my goodbyes to each one of her family members. I did. Everyone was such a big part of my life the past 6 years.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear E, part 3

Eventually everyone slowly got tired and went to sleep. V come home from work so we talked. Then, V got tired so he went to sleep. Your sister stayed up with me. We talked about a few things. Out of no where you E come out of the room. You are like you guys are still up. So you join us and talk with us. Eventually your sister got tired and she went to sleep. So it was just you and I. The moment, the very moment I was waiting for. I honestly wanted this moment for really long time. After 6 years going past. I get to get this opportunity. But I just saw there lost in words lol. There was an awkward silence for a second. But we engaged in a conversation. Which lead to E telling me about her boyfriend and her boyfriend family. I really wanted to tell her how I felt. But I was scared and nervous. Your cousin gets out of the bed as well. So I figure it was time for me to leave. Before I left and you were walking me out. I told you I have something to say to you. I apologized for everything. I apologize for all the pain and hard times I put you through. I wanted to thank you for being there for me when I had nothing in my life. That you will never know how much it meant to be at the same but I do just want to thank you. I am sorry it took so long to give you this apologize. I wanted to say so much more but your cousin were calling you. So I just decided to go and not finished what I had to say. I didn't want to take any more of your time. You told me that you accept my apology. Lets hug it out. I remember driving home that day. I was still somewhat tired and little buzz. I remember crying and tearing up in the car ride. I thought that was going to be the last time I see you. But little did I know my life was gonna change after that day. Stuff happened that night with M. So I left home and I went to casino I hit a handpay. So you message me about it. I said I would treat you and the girls out. We went to eat black bear diner the next day. I thought it was just gonna be and V in the car. But here comes you and kazoua. I was like whoa wth. I didn't expect you to get inside my car. We eat our food and then we said our goodbyes. Because your flight was suppose to leave in a hour or two. So we end up texting a little. You texted me thank you for the apology. You really needed it. I caused you alot pain. I apologize to you more. You told me that I was your first love. I told you I regret my decision when I look back at it. But time has passed and we both moved on already. Your flight left so I thought it was the end. But little did I know I would have a few more encounters with you.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear E, Part 2

At the same time my friend just came back from the marines. He kept telling me to go out with him. Go talk to girls. I would decline, but he convince me once. That was to go on a double date. I went to the double date that where I met M. Meeting M was the beginning of the end of for us. I told you that one day if we do find someone or come across someone we like alot. It will be okay for us to go with that person. Because, I would never process anything with you E. Until you were older. I constantly remind you that it is not because you weren't someone I didn't like. I do like you. I just can't do it until then. Meeting M changed everything because I slowly was talking to her and getting to know her. But at the same time I still had you E. To be honest, I still had more feelings for you E. Why, because throughout my toughest time you were there for me. You were still here when I had nothing in my life. You stuck it out with me. I am sorry I couldn't do the same. I knew you knew it was almost over with us. That was third time I saw you. You came down again to Stockton. We went to go eat korean bbq and we took a picture together. I remember your strip long sleeves outfit. I remember you dancing in the hotel room. I remember us going to walmart and talking. You told me its okay dude. Deep down it was killing me. That night, we were drinking and you got drunk. I remember you were crying a little. I felt so bad. Then, the next day I remember going to grab pho with you and your sister before you guys left. We took you girls back and we saw you guys drive off. You told me that I won't see you again for awhile. Because, you won't come to cali next year. We said our goodbyes. That day I thought to myself should I cancel on M. I should just text you and tell you that I am not going to meet with her anymore. That I really wanted to be with you. That I loved you. My feelings deep down belongs to you and no one else. But I didn't. I let you go. So I got went to go see M. There was still a week before I asked her out. I remember telling E that I was going to ask M to be my girlfriend. I know that hurt you alot. I am truly sorry. I remember you pretending that it was okay and you are fine. Knowing the truth now. E you basically went to you sister and was balling your eyes out, because you like me alot. You wanted to be with me. I chose to be someone else. I apologize for putting you through so much pain and sufffering. After that, we slowly stop talking. You got with your boyfriend now. We were never the same after. We would text each other here and there. It was nothing much. 6 year has past by. I never got to see you when you came down. Until August 30, 2024. Your sister said that you were coming down with your cousin. Seeing if me and my friends could come hangout with you guys. Magically that friday I was off work because we had a shutdown. I don't think it was a coincidence. Sounded so scripted that I didn't believe myself. I get to see you. I get to see you on the day that you land. I was so nervous. The moment I saw you girls walking into to the entrance. I could hear you girls from a mile away. I started to feel uncertian, anxious, timid, and tense. As I got to entrance. I see you girls walk further away. Beside your sister and cousin Selina. I greet them first and that when everyone comes. I greet everyone with a hug and it comes to you next. You said Hi S with extending a hand for handshake. I try my best not to focus too much on you. I tried not to be fluster. I tried not to be so anxious. I try my best. There would be times would I catch myself looking at you. Still in awe that you were actually here and so was I. I remember you getting pho and sitting at the table. Singing and jamming to the song that was playing. You were feeling yourself. Fast foward, we decide to go drink at your sister house. So I go and we end up drinking alot. I was buzzed and I needed time to sober up. E took one shot and getting red. After that you left to go throw up and went to sleep. So I was just there with everyone else.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear E,

The one that got away. I am definitely sure you are. How did we meet? I met you through my bestfriend. He was dating your sister and you came down to visit with her. I was your guys taxi/uber driver. I drove you guys everywhere. I pick you guys at the airport and took you guys to stockton. Then back to sacramento since my bestfriend family was doing something. I did not think you would have such an impactful part of my life during that time. Because you were so young and I never saw you like that. But we both were stuck together since we were fourth wheeling. So all we did was just spend time together. That is how we got closer. I remember it was the last day of year. We went to one of your family new year party. I believed you were cold and you need a sweater. I gave you my red nike sweater to wear. I remember that night we were singing together. I remember taking you guys home after and your sister would not let my guy go home. So I stuck there for an extra hour because they kept arguing lol. So E and I started to mimic them. We did what they did. We held hands just like them and we said what they said. It was hilarious. That was the first trip I met you when you came down. After that, we started to message each other. I remember you asking if we can webcam. I said yes. I guess it started from there. That was the beginning for us. I would always talk to you and same goes to you. I got to know you better and you did as well. I believed we mesh really well. We were perfect together, but I was not in the right place. When I first met you. I was lost and I had nothing in my life. I hated myself for that. I was jobless. You were there with me everyday. You always encourage me that it will be fine. You will find your way somewhere. I eventually got a job soon. After that, your cousin or auntie was getting married here. So you came down for the wedding. I met you again. At this time, our feelings for each other has grown alot. But still I couldn't be with you. I told myself you were still too young for me. Yet your family was like it is okay. Just do it. They all approved of me. But I couldn't do that to myself. So the first day you landed in Sac. You and your family went to stay someone house. I was supposed to go pick my buddy V up and go home after. But that was not what happened. Your sister got drunk and V got drunk. So I ended up sleeping there with you guys that night. I remember that night I came into your room when everyone was sleeping. You woke up and was talking to me half asleep. I don't know why, but I went in for a kiss. After that you went back to sleep. Once you woke up, you asked about the kiss. Because you were not sure if it was a dream or not. I lied to you that it was probably a dream. But it was real. Next couple days we went to the wedding. I remember your pink dress you wore. I remember how beautiful you were. We even took pictures together. I remember be given a poloriod picture of us from the wedding. But that photo is gone now. I threw it away. I wished I should kept it. I knew keeping it would always make me remember you. It was a really nice day with you at the wedding. After that we went to Stockton to hangout with your family. Came back to sacramento. Where I ended up sleeping next to you. Because it was late and your guys flight was in the next hour or so. I was driving you guys back anyways. I remember you getting mad at me since I didn't want to sleep next to you. I eventually did. It was time and I sent you guys to the airport. That was the second time I saw you. I made a mistake and that made me lose my job. Which bother me alot, I didn't want to burden you with it. I remember you doing the thing you always do. Always comforting me and give me the advice that things will get better. I will find another job. With losing my job, I didn't know what to do. I would go do stupid things. Or I was with my friend A in davis. Leaving you and not texting you for a day or two. You probably were confused and wondering what I was doing. I apologize for that.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear J,

Thinking back to us. I think I fell for you, because I always spent time with you. Whether it was at work or it was outside of work. The more time I spent with you. I slowly fell for you and your mannerism. This was a few weeks after meeting A and a few months after N. So from the past two experiences, I obviously wanted someone that did not go out to parties. I found someone that all they did was go to work and come home. So one who had responsibilities. I slowly got closer with you through our friend Gaby. I started to see what responsibilities you had to carry on your shoulders at such a young age. Seeing you go to work in the morning with me and getting off just to go to work at another job just to help out your family with all the bills around the house. Yet, always being a bigger sister to your two younger brothers. Seeing how caring and loving person you were made me feel for you. I remember taking your older sister out and telling her how I felt about you first. All she said, was that she is going to pray for us. After that I was trying to meet up with you. So I could confess my feelings for you. I just remember you were so occupied and were not able to meet up with me. I believe you were doing that on purpose because you knew why I wanted to meet up with you. Obviously that moment, you didn't see me the same way as I did. But eventually we were able to meet up at dutch. It was super late around 12am or even later. I told you how I felt and I got rejected haha. I was pretty sad but it was understandable. You were honest with me. A few days past. I was still sad about it. But then, oneday you texted me and said we should meet up again. I believed you told you were scared and that you were just unsure. So lets give this a try and see where it leads us. A few weeks of going out together, we finally made it official. We always had a great time together. I would always wait till you were off of work and we would go out to eat something at night. Or just go out to hangout with each other, because you never wanted to be home. You just wanted to spend time with me. We would continue doing that for months and your older sister met someone who would eveuntually be her husband at that time. So now we were doing missions to Modesto. There were times you were get emotional and I would just sit there giving you comfort. I didn't know why you felt that way or what was going on. Because you would not say anything. It was hard for me, because I was so used to communicating how I felt or vise verse from my partner. It was confusing and frustrating for me. That was my fault, I should had been more patient. This is your first relationship really. I should had understood that and just take my time. I don't know what lead us to not being together anymore since it was such a long time ago. I just remember you were trying to move out to Georgia for school. I was leaving kfc to become a city carrier. So we ended things there. I don't know why, maybe because it was the long distance commitment that we could not do. I don't know. We broke it off. That when you changed and you started to go out. Clubbing, drinking, and whatever else you were doing. I just remember you hated it when I used to drink. You told me to stop yet, you are drinking now. It is understandable since we seperated. It was a way for you to cope with things. There were nights where you would just text me and asking if I still loved you. I was dumb and I would answer. When I think about it, I should never give you the time. I was too nice. I was still hurting from this break up. I was struggling everyday with it. But I eventually got over you like everyone else. I do apologize for all the things I did wrong. I could had been more patient with you at times.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Tuesday October 15

Today I ended my relationship with M. Did I do the right thing? Did I make a mistake? Who really knows. I guess I will have to comeback in a couple years to find out. I got to M's place and we went to the park. We started off talking about her grandpa. One of her grandpa just passed on Monday. I asked for the details. M said he went into the hospital last week, because he was struggling to breathe. Then, on Saturday that is when it got worse. Where her uncle started to call everyone telling them to come grandpa. Because it is the last time they will get to see him. Grandpa organs started to fail and give out on Saturday. Monday came he passed. M said she saw his grandpa pass and saw his body change colors in a minute. I apologize for not being there. But yet I didn't know anything. I just found out when he passed. Her grandpa was one of the nicest guy that I met. I will always remember him sitting at the casino table with his wife playing pai gow everytime when I go into the casino. Before, I met with M. I got a text message with M's mom. She texted me and said a few words. Pretty tough hearing M's mom say she thinks of me as her own son. Yet, I was still planning on breaking up with her daughter in a few hours. Back to the present now. We talked about how I was feeling and how she was feeling. I told her the honest truth. I told her I feel empty. I feel hollow. I have no feelings inside my heart right now. I don't know why. I apologize to her for putting her through these rough times. I was being selfish. I know I needed space. But I didn't have to ignore her like how I did. I know that brought alot of pain for her. That is why I told her that I thought I should had ended things with her soon. I was messed up and allow her to suffer. Making her wait on me. To just find out that I still wasn't sure of how I felt. So I told her that we should end things. It would be better for the both of us. Especially since I know she hurting waiting on me. I still didn't know how I felt. So it was just better to end things. Because it has been almost a month now. We argee to end things. After that we just thank each other for everything. I thanked her for all the things she done for me the past. To allow me to stay with her and her family. Helping me become a better person than I was before I met her. For always keeping me check, because I do be getting reckless about certain things. That was that. I drop her off at her house and we said our goodbyes.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear N,

To be honest, I don't know what I was trying to get out of this one. We never dated. I never initiate us to go any further just friends. But one thing lead to another. I was grieving about my past relationship. I guess you were there for me. I honestly do not know how things escalated. To where we were more than just friends. I apologize for leading you on. I apologize for lying to you constantly. Saying I wanted something more for us. I never really did. I should had just ended things in the very beginning. I was stupid and I did not want to be seem as the bad guy. I thought I should try to stick it around and try to please everyone from your family. To show them that I was not trying to play you. But I should just realized that I cant't change how people view me. I can never please everyone, why should I care about how other people feel about me. I was young, stupid, lost, and I just needed someone. To be there for me physically and emotionally. You were there for me physically. Emotionally, you were not the best person. I let this continued for so long. I am truly sorry. I knew from the beginning that I would never want anything more than just being friends. I just couldn't manage to tell you that. I wish I could back in time and just tell you. So things could never got this. It really was toxic between us. I blame myself, because I never had the courage to end things. I just kept beating around the bushes. Which cause you to come into my next relationship and also my next person I talk too. If I just continue to ignore you and just ended things before. I would never be in this mess. Because you gave me so much headache and problems. But I think I deseved it. It was god way of punishing me for all the things I did. I am sorry again. I could never loved you and be the guy you were hoping I was. I was a fuck boy. I was lost. I just wanted something for a short period but I didn't know how to end it.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear S, Part 2

To the point where the cleaning lady told me that I need to speak nicer to you or else she going to call security. Cleaning lady said if this your boyfriend he shouldn’t be treating you like this and you shouldn’t be with a guy like this. I remember that hurt me a lot and I was mad that this lady really got between us. But i just had to let it go. So we walked away from the area and we went back home on the light rail. I remember you crying. I felt so bad. I can’t remember exactly why I didn’t want to go watch the movie, but if I did. None of this would had happened. Bad memories, but a good reminder to myself. To always remember control my anger and especially when you are out in public. Our arguments would continue to be really bad. Because I had a temper and I don’t remember why. Maybe I was young or maybe like you said. I would see your brother arguing with his girlfriend and I took after him. But it would just get bad when we argue. We would still find ways to overcome those arguments and still love each other. Our relationship was slowly getting in toxic one. Something both fear and didn’t want. I remember taking you to Starbucks one day because you wanted to go to place to study. After I picked you up, you asked me do you believe in love at first sight? I could be wrong or you said something similar. I didn’t think much, but little did I know something was up. Eventually, finding out you met someone there and you were really intrigued by him. So you guys exchange information. You told me this and this was slowly the end our relationship. I don’t blame you for it. At that time, I started to hangout with new people. I started to go out drinking and I just started fishing. I got lost and I lost my drive. I lost my ambition. I remember you telling me that I wasn’t the same person you first met. That I have changed. That we should end this. I think there was multiple factors that play apart of it. I always knew you were special. You were always the type to strive for greatness. You were never content, you always wanted more. To improve yourself everyday and reach your goals in life. To always do better for the community and help others in need. Once you saw that I wasn’t that guy anymore. It was over for us. After we ended things, we would still text and try to meet each other. At the end of the day, I realized meeting up with you like this isn’t going to help me get over you. It also isn’t going to help us get back together. Because that isn’t what you want. So I just felt like I was getting used for your needs only. I started to push you away. I remember this one morning. I was gonna go fishing and I get a phone call from you. It was super early because I would go early to go fishing. You asked if I could take you to fishing one time before you leave to college. But I denied it. I told you I was busy. Even though I was going fishing that day. I just couldn’t do that to myself. Then, it came to your goodbye party. I didn’t come because I didn’t want more pain. I didn’t want to suffer anymore. I didn’t want to struggle even more trying to get over you. So then off you went to college. I stayed in town and lost myself. Ever since I drowned myself with alcohol. I don’t think I ever fully recovered from this. Which lead me to my lowest point in life eventually. But I learned a lot from you S. Because I never explore the world until I met you. I didn’t know a lot until I met you. You showed me how to be confident in myself. I also learned from my mistakes. The anger and temper I had, I learned to control it better. I learned to cherish the small things more. I learned to love myself and to not be so harsh on myself.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear S,

I consider this one my first actually relationship. Truly my first love. Our story will forever be special. It was my sophomore year. We had a club event where other school would come and we would get to know each other better. I remember going to the park with my best friend Alex. We were there early to secure a spot for the event. I just remember all these people coming because the event was starting. Then there was you S. Walking in with your brother and I just got lost in sauce. I was stunned by your beauty. I thought you were so beautiful. That day we had a few encounters. We both were next each other playing volleyball on the same team. Magically someone was able to take a picture of the moment as well. After that there was ice breaker we played. I forgot what it was called. But there was someone in the middle and that person didn’t have a partner. So the middle person would choose 3 random partners and the person in the front would have to try to escape from their partner that was in the back of them. First one to touch the middle person is their partner. I didn’t explain it well but oh well. Eventually it got to where you S had no partner, you were the middle person. You chose two other groups and then chose me. I guess it was fate, because I shot out like a cannon. I was able tag you and become your partner. So the next few rounds if the middle person chose us we would wrestle. I didn’t want to lose you but yet I didn’t want to be aggressive. In the future, you told me as well that you didn’t want to lose me as a partner because you thought I was cute as well. After a few more rounds the game ended. We didn’t really talk after that and the event ended. I remember going home and find you on Facebook and adding you. Eventually, you accept my request. But nothing happened for a month or two. Until oneday, I got poked from S. So I decided to poke back. We both got into a poke war. At that time Facebook had this thing where you could poke people. After that you message me saying you want to start poke war and the rest was history. We would continue talking on Facebook. Fast forward, I asked you to be my girlfriend at an event my club was hosting and you said yes. You were finally mines after a month of talking. Our relationship was one of kind. We had great conversations and funniest jokes with each other. We opened up to each other about our past relationships. How we both were hurt from it and how we both cheated on as well. That help us grow even more. We trusted each other and we were able to be vulnerable with each other. So our love grew as we grew older and wiser together. I couldn’t get enough of you and you couldn’t get enough of me. When my parents said they couldn’t take me to come see you. You would come and get me. Or I would run to your house. There was no distance that could keep us apart. Like this one time I asked Alex if he could take me to your school. Just so I can give you flowers and he said yes. We literally got to the school just to see you get into the car and leave. So Alex and I had to chase you down. I remember you were in passenger seat and Alex moved right next to your car. I had the flowers in my hands waiting for you look and realized it was us next to you. It took awhile but you looked up and saw Alex driving next to you. You were confused, but then you saw me in the passenger side with bouquet of flowers. You had the biggest smile on your face. But like all relationships, hardships would come. I don’t know why, but I started to get a really bad temper. There was incident I believe we never forget. We went to old town Sacramento to hangout because there used to be a mall and movies theater there. That day we went out and enjoy our time there. But we got into an argument at the end. I think you wanted to go watch a movie and I didn’t want to go. I don’t remember why I didn’t want to go but I’m assuming it was because of money. We were still high school kids. We didn’t have much money. I just wanted us to save for something else. But you kept wanting to go watch so we argue. It got bad.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear D,

It was a quick relationship. I had no intention about dating you. I didn’t like you. I just did it for my friend at the time. He said D liked me so much. So there’s no chance for him. So I told him, I got him. I will date you D and I’ll break her heart. Then, my friend can come comfort her. That for surely will give him the green light. We got together and I needed to find a way out lmao. Lucky, you left your Facebook login on my phone. What did I see? I saw two messages. Another guy friend of mines. Confessing he had feelings for you. That was so hilarious for me. Because he always act like you were hella ugly with the boys. Lowkey he had feelings for you haha. Second thing I saw was that you were sexting your ex boyfriend on Facebook. I was so happy because I found a ticket out of this relationship. So the next day of school I kept my distance from you and I finally told you at lunch. That we are done. You were in tears, but I told you that I found out. Yet, you still act like it was nothing. I got away that was all that matters. So it was my boy S turn. He swoop in like a hawk lmao. Guess what? They were official after a couple days. I was happy for my nigga. We did it and accomplished our task. Just for them to last 3 days too haha. Good times and good memories.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

Dear T,

To my first love. The person I first fell in love with. I will always remember you. I was naive and I thought our love would last forever and always. Yet, I didn’t know how difficult things will get and how much I would get hurt from this relationship. It was long distance relationship, but I had high hopes that everything would work out. I believe the reason why I fell in love with you, because that one night we stood up with each other. We were able to just talk for hours and we were so exhausted the next morning since we were going out. I don’t remember exactly where, but that’s where we connected more. Maybe it was San Francisco, but I could be wrong. After that trip, I knew I liked you even more. We would talk more on Facebook and eventually we both caught feelings for each other. I don’t remember when I asked to you be my girlfriend. But I do remember that I had my first kiss from you and it was in my room. After, two weeks with you. You went back home to Minnesota. When I look back us, it was all a blur. I just remember us thinking could break us apart. All we had were phones calls and Skype to make us feel like we were together again. We would always talk on the phone when we had the chance. I would always remember waiting for your calls in 3am. But eventually the distance got too difficult for you. You wanted me physically there with you at times, I wasn’t able to provide you that. So eventually ended things after six months. But just to find out you found someone else. That’s why we broke up. Which broke my heart. That feeling wondering why I wasn’t enough and all those words we told each other. Was it just a lie and everything we said to each other was all for nothing. I was so hurt and I got so depressed. I would dig into your profile and find out that you two would talk before you would call me. That just made me feel worse. Like damn, I was the second choice. I hated you so much for that but yet I loved you still because you were my first love. The simp I was back then lol. Even though you had a new boyfriend, you would still try to talk to me. Maybe, because you felt bad for me. I would give in as well just so I can talk to you. Every time after that I would feel like shit. Like why do I keep doing this to myself. So one day I decide to message your boyfriend Tony. We talked and I told him the truth. He said he didn’t know that I existed. That you said you were single the whole time. So we both call you and made you decide between us. Whoever you chose than the other guy would leave for good. I know you were so surprised and in shocked. That we just gave you an ultimatum. You decided to chose Tony instead of me. After that I told Tony good luck and I hung up. I remember being so sad, but at least I heard it from you. Knowing you chose him over me. Somewhat made me feel content because I finally heard you say you wanted him over me. So after all that I remember blocking you and keep my distance from you. Doing my best to forget about you and forget all the pain. As of today, I forgive you. We were so young and dumb. I don’t think I knew what love was at the time at all. I think we just eager to have someone be our significant other at that time. Since we both just wanted to get away from life and forget everything else. Yet, you always found your way back to me. Throughout the years we talk here and there. It’s crazy how things has changed. You would come to me for advice when you needed it for your relationships at the moment. To you getting with my cousin. We would talk about it. How you two met and then how everything was already so bad when you two just got together for not even a month. I remember telling you that be careful and that if it is like this already, you should end it. Nothing against my cousin, but if it’s this bad things will continue to get worst. But the decision is on you and you two would eventually get married and having kids.

We don’t talk anymore, but the last thing I heard is that you two have separate now. I’m sorry to hear that for you. Hopefully you are doing okay. I believe we all meet people for a reason. The reason I met you was for you help change my life. You help me get away from my comfort zone. What you made me realized from this relationship is what I wanted from someone. Those few traits, that I hope my next significant other would have. Thank you for being part of my journey T.

[ibhnubyeejyuavzoo]

September 1-11 -2024

When I first heard you were coming to town, I was surprised. I didn’t know how to react. Should I try to come see you? What should I do? It’s been so long since I seen you and your face. It’s been about 6 years since we last seen each other. We were so young back. You had were obsessed with me at the time. I was obsessed with you too tbh. But you were too young for me at the time. I always told everyone I would wait until you were age. Even though our feelings were mutual, I couldn’t do that to myself. So I found someone else. I told you that I liked her a lot. I knew that hurt you so much. You kept all your emotions and feelings inside and pretended to be okay around me. Even though I know you were suffering. I apologize for doing that to you. I still remember thinking in my car. Should I just cancel on everything. Comeback to you, because you were always there for me. You were so one that I always been looking for. The personality, the humor, the jokes, the way we could talk in Hmong and be silly also yet corny. I always remember loving hearing your voice. The voice that always cheer me up. The voice I always look forward to talk too. The voice that always so soothing and sweet. The voice that would always cheer me up and support me through my difficult times. Yet I didn’t know what to do. So I just decide to with the original plans. Who would thought I would regret it so much when I think back to that time. I do really wish I could go back and time. Cancel everything tell you how much you mean to me. That I chose you and only you. But I never did that and time has gone by sadly. Maybe, that’s why when I saw you again on August 30, 2024. I realized why I fell in love with you back then. Which made me so nervous around you. I didn’t know to greet you when I saw you. I didn’t know how should I approach you to start a conversation. But I knew I needed to apologize to you and give you closure. That was my main goal. That’s why I was down to drink and I stay up so long. Just for there to be a moment for us to be together alone. I waited and the opportunity came. Made me so happy, but yet so sad at the same time. Happy that we are finally able to talk alone and have closure. Sad because I knew this would probably the last time you and I would ever have this opportunity. Why do you ask? Because you and I both have our life’s now. We have our own significant others. Something I wasn’t looking forward too because I’ve been waiting on this moment forever. Just be able to talk to you. Like I said it’s been 6 years. Yes we texted here and there but that’s not the same. I’m just glad I got to see you and be able to hear your beautiful voice. I know you did all the talking but I didn’t want to interrupt your story. It was getting late and I felt I should leave now. So I took this opportunity to apologize to you. I told you how I felt or I tried. Because I was so lost in words when I got the opportunity and I had so much emotions running through me. I’m glad you accepted it even though I wasn’t able to tell you everything. But I guess some things are just better left unsaid. From there on I crave your presence. I wish I was by your side before you could go, but it didn’t go like that. Even after you left back home. I still think about you. I still wish you were here. I still love you so much. But there no point of feeling this way. You are happy with your man and I have a woman. There no point of me simping over you.