iampaulywalnuts

[iampaulywalnuts]

Casting “Obstruction”, the Inevitable HBO Original Film on All This Shit

Perhaps it’s because reality has felt very much like a prestige drama recently that I have started wondering “who’s going to play these guys in the HBO version of these guys?” 

Methodology: VERY SCIENTIFIC!

First I chose who I believe are the ten most important players in the real life obstruction, between the time Trump won the election and his future indictments.

It was tempting to try to capture the whole 2016 election, and other GOP cowards, but then we’d be here all day, and the New York Times already did that sort of. So no Bannon. No Stephen Miller. No Jaime Foxx...I mean Ben Carson. I also didn’t include Sean Spicer or Sarah Sanders, because they might as well not even be there they know so little. 

I tried to select from actors that I knew offhand, but when that well dried up after about three minutes, I reached out to some trusted friends, Wikipedia, etc. I asked myself:

1) Does it look like their real life counterpart?

2) Could they pull off the role as a lead? 

So let’s get started! ACTION!

Group 1: The Obstructed

1) James Comey

The now former FBI director, once hated by every liberal in America, now holding the torch to guide America out of the darkness I guess. Election manipulating dickhead. 

Bryan Cranston

Rationale: Originally I was overthinking the height issue; for a while all I could come up with was Adrien Brody and I thought for a second “now I’ll never make it as a casting director”. Cranston is a boring selection but it’s the right one to play the careful, calculated Comey. Make him seem taller like in the other one. Can’t go wrong.

2) Sally Yates

Former deputy US Attorney General. Holdover from the Obama administration who informed the Trump White House that Michael Flynn was compromised before being fired for, basically, being a competent woman. 

Amy Sedaris

Rationale: I really think I nailed this one. The first time and pretty sure only time I have ever seen Amy Sedaris was in that scene in Louis CK’s Horace and Pete, and I was totally blown away like everyone else. She was a light in the darkness of that miserable place.. When I think of Yates my mind goes to how she handled Ted Cruz like a 6th grader who thinks he knows shit in that Senate meeting. I get that same feeling! She’s unflappable, so obviously smarter than you, a light in the darkness! Plus, Yates and Sedaris could be sisters. Genius!

3) Preet Bharara

Former US Attorney for the Southern District of New York. Led investigations into Trump finances before being removed from his position by Trump. Revered by his peers and those who worked for him. We don’t hear as much about him but in a movie called “Obstruction” you can’t leave him out.

Erick Avari

Rationale: Surprise! I don’t know many Indian actors :(  I do recognize this guy from everywhere, however. Avari’s mostly in sci-fi films and television, although he’s also been in classics like The Mummy, Independence Day, Mr. Deeds, and whatever’s on TNT right now. This is the best I could do sorry Indian people don’t hate me!

Group Two: The Complicit Enablers

4) Paul Ryan 

Speaker of the House and Representative from Wisconsin. Backed a monster because he wanted to cut taxes and take health insurance away from poor people. Embarrassment to Pauls everywhere. 

Jeremy Renner

Rationale: The key to a good Paul Ryan performance is capturing his enthusiasm for allowing people to die. Paul Ryan smiles when he talks, not because he wants to give Americans “more choice” on health insurance, but because he knows if you support what he says you will die, and is excited by the prospect. Anyway, Renner’s pretty good and they kinda look the same. 

5) Mitch McConnell

Senator from Kentucky, majority leader. Everything that is wrong with politics. Currently awaiting his stay in hell. 

Tim Robbins

Rationale: Recreating the ugliness, on the inside and out, of Mitch McConnell, requires the combined craftsmanship of a master actor and make up team (perhaps enlisting the experts on Game of Thrones would be wise). I know this casting is unduly generous to Mitch McConnell. I can’t imagine a bigger gulf between how much I enjoy looking at two different men. But Robbins does have the height, and could nail McConnell’s gravelly, unfeeling Kentucky accent. And Robbins is the definition of PRESTIGE. 

GROUP 3: The Spy

6) Sergey Lavrov

Russian foreign minister and spy. Fooled Trump into giving away highly sensitive information and compromising intelligence partnerships. A shark swimming with really dumb fish.

Boris Lee Krutonog

Rationale: I reached out to my only Russian friend about this casting. You look at Krutonog and think “oh he’s the bad guy in that one movie” (side note: “that one movie” is always The Italian Job), which is ultimately all we’re going to need for this story. I’d probably know of more Russian actors if I watched The Americans --he’s in the The Americans--but there are way too many shows. If he can say nice things in English followed by mean things in Russian in front of whoever is playing Trump for a scene we’ll be ok! 

Group 4: The Criminals 

7) Michael Flynn

Retired General and former National Security Adviser. Winner of Russian medals. Failed to register as a foreign agent after taking money from the foreign governments. Chanter of “Lock Her Up”. Soon to be locked up. 

Christopher Waltz

Rationale: Waltz seems to always play eccentrics, and Flynn certainly would qualify in a conspiracy theory peddling Islamaphobe kind of way. We of course have seen Waltz in military attire in Inglorious Basterds, and Nazi-garb aside it suits him. The key moment for Flynn will be as he’s listening to his sentence read aloud,  staring into the void, finally discovering that he was the bad guy all long. Can’t wait!

8) Jeff Sessions

Middle name is Beauregard, yeah ok. Attorney General. Lied to Congress about connections to Russia. Recused himself from Russian investigation only to be interviewing new FBI directors weeks later. So much awfulness outside of this scandal but we have to press on.

Chris Cooper

Rationale: We know Chris Cooper from many of his films and performances, the most memorable to me in American Beauty as a bitter man stuck in his ways, afraid of the future as the world progresses around him. Jeff Sessions plays that role in his normal life every day, the only differences being he has terrifying power, and we don’t know he’s a closeted homosexual. He could be!

9) Jared Kushner 

Senior (lol) Adviser. Delegated by Trump to perform all duties of the presidency. Likely suggested and encouraged the firing of James Comey. Failed to disclose financial ties to Russia before entering White House. Proof that nothing matters.  

Paul Dano

Rationale: In Little Miss Sunshine, Paul Dano played a kid who couldn’t become a fighter pilot because he was colorblind, and so took a vow of silence for some reason I forget. Maybe Jared Kushner has taken a vow of silence, because as it’s been noted elsewhere, I don’t think we’ve ever heard him actually speak! Don’t even give Dano any lines. He can just occasionally throw on a pair of black Ray Bans and look dumb. 

10) Donald Trump 

CEO of Trump Steaks. Vessel of ignorance and hatred. President of the United States.

Hologram of Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Rationale: PSH was too talented to play someone as widely parodied as Trump, but as the scandal rages on, and reports come out of Trump summoning his communications staff and going off on epic tantrums I think he’d be perfect.

Hoffman also played a misogynistic, lying con artist in The Master; specifically a cult leader in the vein of L. Ron Hubbard. One of my favorite scenes is when he’s confronted by a persistent skeptic during a session with a wealthy patron. This is the first time in the movie Hoffman’s character, The Master, is questioned at length, and you can see him slowly losing composure before blowing up in an angry “PIG FUCK”. It’s an awesome scene and demonstrates why, among many other reasons, Hoffman would have made a great Trump. We have plenty of “TV Trump” impressions; the catchphrases, bloviating, etc. I would want an actor could tap into his boundless anger and fear as he slowly wilts under the pressure of his own incompetence and senility. Hoffman could bring a level of nuance to such a shallow figure.

Great job, everyone! Less than six months into Donald Trump’s presidency and we already have AT LEAST one HBO-ready prestige scandal, so for that let’s give ourselves a round of applause, America. Our ratings are going to be SICK...and so is everyone with a pre-existing condition! 

No one knows what the future will bring, but we’ll be watching. Not TV. HBO.

[iampaulywalnuts]

An Open Letter to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: Run For President

Dear Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,

I’m writing this because I love you.

I remember when the familiar music hit. Your music. When you made your return to Monday Night Raw in 2011.

If ya smell…

….then, thunder.

The roar of tens of thousands in the arena drowned out your theme, and only rose when you entered the runway. You basked, and they basked, and I basked. I was basking.

The thunder eventually gave way to chants of “Rocky! Rocky!”, as if from one colossal voice. I was chanting too, from my dorm room. I wasn’t in the arena. I wasn’t even watching it live. “Are you crying?” my roommate asked.

A few years later I wrote a blog post about how I expected you to win an Academy Award within five years. It was important to me at the time. Now I realize you were meant for something more.

I’m writing this because you should run for president.

I’m certainly not the only one who thinks so, or to have written on the idea. Hell, you know you should run!  You had this to say to Reuters about it a future campaign.

"If I felt like I could be an effective leader for us, and surround myself with really high-quality leaders, then sure, I would."

I appreciate your humility, but now’s not the time to be timid, Rock!

We are in the midst of an unprecedented political climate. No one knows what exactly will happen except that poor and underrepresented people will get screwed. The election of a profoundly ignorant, ceaselessly bloviating, and increasingly unhinged reality TV star to the presidency has lifted the veil on America’s deep rooted ugliness and fear. Also, surprise, we love celebs! That’s where you come in.

I look at the roster of Democrats predicted to run against Trump in 2020: Elizabeth Warren, Cory Booker, some lesser known but capable senators and congressmen. Then I think about how much emotion and perception and James Comey swayed this past election. Then I wonder if Trump might throw enough of his own people under the bus to survive his first term. And then, shuttering, I wonder if 2020 might look something like 2016. Do any of the Dems in the bullpen have enough juice to get disinterested people off the bench and into the voting booth?

I don’t know, but I know someone who does have that juice. A tall, fresh glass.

Numbers don’t lie, Dwayne. You have 17 championship reigns as a pro wrestler, ten of which as world champion. Your films have made over $7 billion at the box office. There’s a reason why you were the highest paid actor of 2016.  You put butts in the seats. You are the people’s champion. You make huge movies for wide audiences. You inspire people to work hard and be their best! You are a winner! You are a unifier!

You’re smart, rich, and influential, and didn’t need a million dollar loan from daddy to get what you have. You’re the son of a wrestler, and just like your father and grandfather and so many Americans who ultimately decided this election, you made your name with your own hands and hard work. You are infinitely more like blue collar Americans than our current president. Your story is the American Dream.

You’re also DAMN presidential. You’re a 6’5 300 pound superhero. You may have been too unconventional three months ago, but now? Who couldn’t see you on the campaign trail delivering your message of giving Wall Street the People’s Elbow in front of wild masses? Who couldn’t envision you on the debate stage, offering a single skeptical People’s Eyebrow in response to yet another Donald Trump word salad? Who thinks Vladimir Putin wants to go one on one with the Great One in a “who looks better shirtless” contest? Not me.

We need you, Rock! I recognize that you are a (gasp) registered Republican, and even spoke at the 2000 Republican Convention, but your association to the GOP means less and less every day as they surrender their patriotism to corporate greed and white supremacy. You are not those jabronis.

The son of a black father and a native Hawaiian mother (familiar!), you are the embodiment of strength through diversity in America. The Democrats, sadly, are the only shop in town right now even close to representing all Americans. With the current leadership vacuum at the top of the party, and the lingering “what ifs” of not converting on the Bernie Sanders popular movement, I imagine many Dems would smell what the Rock is cooking. Maybe a ticket with Al Franken?

But now I’m starting to say things I shouldn’t say out loud, so I’m going to stop before I further embarrass myself, Rock. 

As you and I have mulled this over together I know we’ve come to same conclusion. America’s caught in a figure four leg lock. We’re about to lose the match, the title belt, health insurance for 30 million people. It’s time for you to tag in.