iamlivingproof

[iamlivingproof]

I am unhappy here. In this house, in this space, with these people. I can’t make him do what he won’t, and it’s easier for him to let his marriage begin to crumble than to tell Mommy that enough is enough.

The man he sold himself to be, isn’t at all who he is. The one who talked a big game about never letting anyone treat me like crap is the same one who refuses to stop her. He is comfortable hiding away, floating under the radar until I get over it, continuing to do absolutely nothing to help with anything. His choices are forcing us to put off having a baby more and more, but I know that it’s God’s doing. He is saving me from having something else to take care of alone. Pretty pathetic that I’m actually grateful for that.

I don’t know who this person is. He isn’t the man I married.

Or maybe he is…but the real him has never been forced out until now. The mask is finally off.

Maybe putting this here will help me let it go, because saying it out loud to him will do nothing except further hurt me when he proves me right.

Do I keep praying? Do I keep wearing crystals and making moon water and speaking intentions? Or do I just give up. Do I just ignore all of it. What is the point of any of this?

[iamlivingproof]

i wonder

i wonder how many people started feeling this way in the past few years. the pandemic made the number of follow throughs sky rocket, but i wonder how many people had it creep into their mind for the first time recently. how many people really wondered. how many people had never considered it before, "oh no, i would never think that way", but now...

i'm just so tired. and wondering what the point is. and disappointed in the daily proof that someone who treats me that way, comes first...despite all wasted words to the contrary.

i knew marriage would be hard. i truly knew. but i thought i could at least count on being put in front of all others until there were kids.

no, i don't have answers. i don't know what should be done now. i know what should have been done, because i knew what would happen. i warned what would happen. i fought and clawed to make those words heard and understood to the point that it wouldn't be allowed.

apparently i am a fool. and i continue to be one.

if there was ever a question of who loves who more, we've got the answer now. and it isn't who anyone thought.

[iamlivingproof]

Dallas.

Seeing a show with your name on it…I am really happy for you.

[iamlivingproof]

a letter to little you.

the first boy to break your heart will do so twice, but the second time will shatter you. try not to feel guilty about the last time you spoke…you had no idea (and you know what he would say to you if he could).

the man you think you will marry will marry someone else. and so will you. and it will be the best thing to ever happen to both of you. trust it.

the weird relationship you have with Dad will start to change thanks to a heart attack, but it won’t be his. and your husband will be a driving force in creating the wonderful connection you have now. allow it to happen, and forgive him when it is time - he truly did the best he could with what he had.

the last weeks of grandma’s life will change the world forever. you will feel unbelievably blessed that you were able - and allowed - to be with her in every way until she met God. try to take advantage of every chance you get to touch her cheeks, because you will spend the rest of your life wishing that you could do it again. the end will bring you closer to mom in a way you never imagined, too, and strengthen your relationship ten-fold. do know that after it is over, you will feel as if you are floating through life. you will not be grounded anymore. it will feel like you entered a different reality, like when you shouted out after her last breath, you launched yourself into another dimension. mom will feel the same way, and you will bond over that.

mom. you think you love her now, but you will gain a whole new understanding after she comes minutes from dying in front of you. the dedication you feel for making sure she is “ok”, for caring for her mentally and physically, will be set on fire - and will remain that way. you will become her fiercest protector, her biggest advocate and loudest cheerleader. enjoy this strength, because she will need and appreciate all of it. give her time. give her grace. give her acceptance in everything and in every way so that she knows she is safe with you. and let it ease your soul to know that she does end up finding love, and you will relish in how fitting it is that she will follow in her mother’s footsteps with this man.

your first puppy will be your everything. you will get 11 incredible years with her and you will be an overly-obsessive hover parent towards the end…because, to keep her happy, you will have to be. do not change anything about it. it will be as “worth it” and you imagine, and nothing will compare to it. do not expect quick healing…it will not come, and that is ok. she will be the reason your relationship with her sister deepens, and it will be an unexpected gift that you will come to rely on as heavily as you did with her.

work will always be just that - work. you will put your everything into whatever you do. you will go above and beyond all the time, working harder and smarter than most, just like you learned from watching mom. you will recognize early on that appreciation and recognition for this will not come very often, but you will learn to accept it because it is not the reason you do it. you will take pride in who you are as an employee, and no one will take that from you. but a career you are passionate about? nope. what you are passionate about won’t be work.

your body will continue to be a source of stress for you. it will fluctuate in weight, it will lose the ability to heal itself like “normal”, and it will fight you every step of the way. try not to get angry because it will only prolong what is happening at the time. and remember - you are BLESSED to have a body that works as well as it does.

your mental health will be a battle. it will start as depression and morph to rage and then to anxiety over the years. you will find a medication that helps, you will learn what to do and not do, and you will be lucky enough to spend your life with someone who knows how to care for you when you are slipping.

and speaking of him…him. the man you picture in your head now will not look at all like he does. he will be different in every way imaginable, and it will be perfect for you. you will spend the majority of your years feeling like there is absolutely no way you will find someone that you will like that much for that long. you will be delightfully wrong (and you will remind him of this regularly because it will always surprise you). you will heavily doubt your ability to be a good partner, but you will grow into it together - and you will be a good partner for him. you will make mistakes along the way, both in the people you choose before him and in the decisions you make with him, but know that they will only make you stronger together. you both chose each other the very first day you saw each other. and you will continue to choose each other every day after. the world outside of your home will become scary, but you will be 100% certain that you can handle it all together.

as for you, are you stronger than you know. you will go through things that you will forget about over the years. let them remain forgotten. you will discover just how similar you are to your parents, and you will love it, but you will love the ways you are different just as much. you will be proud of who you have become. in the 2 years that you spend away from your now-husband, you will learn that you don’t need anyone in the ways you think you do. your life will become one of choice, not one of desperation and fear. you are a homebody. you already know that, but remain steadfast in your acceptance of that. people will spend a lot of time shaming you for it, but keep reminding yourself that there isn’t anything wrong with being that way. besides - in 2020, a worldwide pandemic will prove that your years of being a homebody have prepared you for what is about to happen better than anyone else.

enjoy your wedding. it won’t be perfect, but enjoy it anyway because there will be NO doubt in your mind about your future and that is pretty amazing.

those hives you get all the time? they will stop. you’ll develop eczema, but at least the hives will stop.

keep going, baby girl. it is worth it, i promise.

[iamlivingproof]

didn’t i need permission?

i feel like it was too easy. just a phone call to a random person who happened to be working that night, a car ride, and two shots. i made an irreversible decision about a life that relied solely on me. i’m 36. i’m not old enough to have the final say — in anything. not adult enough. like someone “above” me needed to be asked beforehand.

but it was me. it was my responsibility because it was me that chose you at the very beginning.

i don’t know what i plan on doing with this “journal”. i used to write everything just to get it out. but that was decades ago, and i don’t think it ever worked…it never made me feel any lighter. so here i am again. hoping that putting it out there will help. but there is a small part of me that doesn’t want to let it go, because what if it lets go part of you along with it?