iamlavend3rr

[iamlavend3rr]

I want the truth.

[iamlavend3rr]

I always had the firm unbreakable belief that it’s best to have few people around you. To be isolated and focus on yourself and those few. I never had any doubts that people cause problems and do you harm. So it is always better not to mingle. And by trusting these few i will be safe and sound.

I was never more wrong in my life. The thing that scares us the most are the things that are destined to happen. My trust was shaken to the core, perhaps i will never recover. My foundation of faith trembled, a fracture etched in my being, a wound that may never fully mend. My heart overflowed with too much love and trust, and too much hope. To say the least, it was too much. I should have known, well I did. I’ve seen the signs. You taught me something, I give you that. After all, i should be thanking you. I’m free now. Im no longer guilt trapped by your lies. However, I regret too much. Too much.

Go and live off a never lasting lie, just remember that karma hits harder. Especially that I never wronged you.

[iamlavend3rr]

[iamlavend3rr]

I have no memory of having my memory wiped.

LOKI (2021-) — 02x01 “Ouroboros”

[iamlavend3rr]

Anna Akhmatova, from Complete Poems

[iamlavend3rr]

anyone else grieving & mourning & lamenting & kicked apart by nostalgia & going silently about their lives?

[iamlavend3rr]

poetry is a fundamental food group if you dont read a decent poem once or twice a month you get soul anemic bone tired and all that

[iamlavend3rr]

[iamlavend3rr]

a spider-selfie

[iamlavend3rr]

[iamlavend3rr]

I have always known the term collapse to be a concept that is deeply rooted in the philosophical and artistic realms. Yet, I had never truly comprehended the magnitude of such a transformation, from the abstract to the tangible, before experiencing it with my own eyes. The act of living involves experiencing a wide range of emotions, from joy to grief. Loss is unfortunately part of that range, and each time it happens, one must face the pain and the challenge of healing. However, despite this, one cannot predict how future losses will be handled, as the experience of loss is not a one-time occurrence. It is an ongoing process of coping, coming to terms, and ultimately, moving forward.

I have always held a disdain for summer - not because of its heat, which can be intolerable, but because it seems all the unfortunate events in my life have transpired during the summer months.

I find it distressing that some individuals fail to understand that if a flame is allowed to burn for too long without interruption, it will inevitably perish, leaving nothing behind but ashes - a grim reminder that anything that comes after such an event is doomed to failure. I represent the ashes of what once was, symbolizing the futility of attempting to salvage what has been burned to its core.

I am ashes…

[iamlavend3rr]

I always knew when something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in my knees and my stomach. I battle to know the reason behind the sudden change in my demeanour. I pray that it’s nothing. Lump in my throat , heaviness in my chest and soreness in my body. I feel trembled before the disastrous moment happens and nothing but fragile, tore and empty afterwards. I watch her I study her expressions I memorised them. I learnt to notice when she was overwhelmed, when her thoughts were scattered, when she was reaching the edge. However, Im still looking for a way to rescue her. I often find myself starring into nothingness blocking the screams and cries coming out of our room. Mom just hugged her, she did the only thing she knows the best. Sometimes she wanted to take her back inside her womb to end for once and all the misery. I wanted to cry, to scream my lungs out, i wanted to shout and curse the world. All what came out was a trembling smile. I used to feel happy when it was night time. Now even darkness can’t hide me. I strive for peace. For calmness. For her to be better, to have our usual fights and not to be scared if she will collapse because she is to weak to handle any sort of emotions. For her to be healthy enough to walk and run without the dizziness kicking off. For her to be able to laugh and actually mean it. Our bond is so strong I can sense the depths of her soul. And it’s screaming for help…

[iamlavend3rr]

Bilf ( a book I'd like to finish )

[iamlavend3rr]

I’m limited, Im bound to rules I can neither figure nor break. Im suffocated. I’m trapped in my own rigid existence. My heart is heavy and It’s breaking my ribs. I can no longer find comfort in my own misery. I ve been robbed of that very sentiment that makes me what I am. My core has been replaced by nothing but dust. I’m so heavy i can drown in my own bed sheets. I want to liberate myself, but then again I refuse. I keep lingering in my own thoughts. Ripping my cells insides to pieces. Some people write in hope they find connection with themselves. I write in hope someone my stumble upon them and say “ I have come to rescue “. I used to write, and when I did that it made me fly. Then words were too much for me. Each letter cost me something. I longed for peace so i gave it all up.

[iamlavend3rr]

OLIVER MARKS; THE LOYAL SIDEKICK

“you can justify anything if you do it poetically enough.”

[iamlavend3rr]

Ur existence is a proof that a generations of your face have been loved..

[iamlavend3rr]

“i never wanted you to look the way you’re looking at me right now” my heart…