i-wrote-you-a-poem

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i hope one day you can forgive yourself for all of the damage you allowed into your life

-a note to myself, 6pm

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i forgive the world because it has you in it.

-12:09am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

and though you have hurt me so many times to the point of complete exhaustion and pain, i will beg for your safety when you leave your house each night. i will hope that when you get too drunk to walk that you find your way back to your bed in one piece. and when you lie awake at night that your thoughts leave you alone. my head and heart get so devastatingly confused when it comes to loving you. i will ask the universe to protect you, though i no longer want anything to do with you. it is so strange how i still care for you after all this time and after everything you’ve done to me. especially when i know this love was never reciprocated.

-2:38am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

and people love to romanticize the beauty of dying. they say your swollen eyes and your insomnia looks and feels like the moonlight during the quiet hours of 4 am. they say the alcohol running down your throat makes you look intoxicatingly ethereal as you collapse into yourself. and they will say that your tears falling from your cheeks every night are liquid drops from a forsaken river, though we only know they are tears of tremor and agony. and there is absolutely nothing that is beautiful about dying. i fear that those who write about the beauty of dying have not ever witnessed losing yourself completely. it is so hard to find beauty in slowly seeing your grave being dug right in front of you.

- 1:26am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i like to remember you with “forever” dancing in our eyes. but, what i’ve come to realize is the bittersweet truth that forever is a word meant for memories, not for people.

- 12:45am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

you can’t heal someone who’s already comfortable with the idea of being broken. i learned that after i saturated every ounce of your existence with every bit of intimacy i had left and your response was “but i never asked you to.” you drained me to my core, and im afraid i will never have the space to regain what you took. because although you left me empty, for some reason the possibility of being whole again simply appears to be beyond my reach. the nothingness within me is being drowned with more nothingness. but despite that misery that occurs deep within my bones, i still have the need to save you. and that’s how i know i love too deep. when my love isn’t valued i think the only solution is to love even harder.

4:44am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i hate you for making me feel like my body no longer belongs to me.

11:30pm

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

“tell me how you knew it was over.”

i get cold easily so he would always hold me while we slept. then one night he just didn’t. he watched me shiver and have to get up to get another blanket. and i knew. we broke up a week later.

- 2:55am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

if you’re looking for a sign to stay with them, this isn’t it. because if you need something to convince you that you’re with who you’re supposed to be with, you probably aren’t.

4:44pm

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

take a shower, wash away the bad thoughts, cleanse your body, put on some relaxing music, get into bed, breathe. you did your best today and i’m so proud of you.

-1:09am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

you should be here.

-12:47am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

if you’re never going to talk to me again, that’s okay. i know you promised you would never leave me five months ago while i was crying into your chest, but i also know that sometimes it snows in the middle of april or weeds grow in the middle of a rose garden, so i understand that things happen that aren’t supposed to happen.

-12:57am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

it still hurts, it always did. through every forced attempt to take care of myself, to feed myself, every single step to meet the world outside my home. it invades me even when i’m doing nothing. sometimes, i wake up with my eyes swollen from the silent tears at night and it makes me wonder how anything could ever be fine when you’re still gone. i’ve somehow made it here though, and that must mean something important, however small.

-1:27am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i know you’re gone. i know that. but some mornings i wake up and roll over to look at you only to realize your side of the bed is empty and it hits me all over again. you’re still gone.

-12:48am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

and so she fell in love with him again. she knew she might not recover from it this time, but it was 4am and being back in his presence, she finally felt at home.

-1:51am

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

i keep getting the feeling that if i make it to a certain point in time, you’ll come back. like a long vacation and some secret circle on a calendar.

- excerpt from a letter to my best friend 2 months after her death

[i-wrote-you-a-poem]

to everyone who wants me to just move on:

i would throw my memory down a river if i could but i don’t even have the hands to carry that much weight.

-12:17am