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[huisnan]

Day 0007 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? It's already a week. I want to congratulate myself first and appreciate that I have already been able to make small things to achieve my dreams. So for today, I plan to just continue my unfinished tasks yesterday, especially my thesis revisions since it has the biggest impact on how will I become a doctor.

1. Finish thesis introduction revisions. 2. Fill out and submit intake session notes. 3. Create and disseminate groupings of my classes. 4. Start on doing other parts of thesis revision.

| I was able to finish the revisions I aim for this day without even knowing it. Like I don't have any motivation to do it, and I became frustrated when I was doing it but suddenly I was able to make it. I am grateful for that. I am content that I was able to chop down a bit of what really matters right now; finishing my thesis. It's just that, I need to be better at showing up for the things that I set to be. The other tasks I have today is also important but I was not able to finish it. So, let us see tomorrow. |

| I saw my classmate and somewhat best friend in college Live on Facebook. I can't help but compare my self. I admire this person for all the things that she have accomplished but at the same time I envy her. It's like that I feel I can't accomplish the things that she has already done. Also thinking, that she is also married. I am getting deeper again with these negative thoughts. Time to focus on the things that I can do for the moment and focus on my goals. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I am content that I was able to finish some of the things I need to accomplish my thesis revision. Although I don't feel that it is enough for me to get there, becoming a doctor, or I feel that is not enough effort on my part concerning the demands of being a doctor, I am hopeful that I can do better tomorrow.

[huisnan]

Day 0006 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I plan to finish my introduction of my thesis revision and start with the other sections. Alongside with that, I will face my anxiety of leading a mental health consultation. When I successfully conquered it, I will be able to have something to go back as reference when I am anxious with dealing with patients.

1. Finish revision on introduction for thesis proposal. 2. Lead a mental health consultation. 3. Write my intake session notes. 4. Start on other sections of my thesis proposal. 5. Webinar outlines. (1/3)

| I was again anxious this morning going to my internship, but I was able to go through it as I practice what will I be saying during a consultation, and familiarizing my self with how things might go. Luckily, there was no patient for today where I will be able to lead the consultation. I am somewhat relieved but at the same time I wish that I had some patients today so that I can expose myself with my anxiety. But things might have happened for a reason. Two things I realized with my anxiety this morning. First, is that I felt anxious when I am really thinking about it and less when I am preparing for it. So take note is, when I want to counter my anxiety, I need to do something about it. Second, I will really never know what would happen, so best is to just face it. Like this instance, I decided to face it, then just to find out I am anxious for nothing. So, take note is. Just face it. It will get better soon. |

| I have so many unfinished task for today. Tasks that was out of the plan. I was caught off guard a while ago. I am expecting that I was only going to observe a child mental health consultation, but it turns out, she was already 18 years old. So I was prompted to lead the session. It was a mess. I was not able to really do the job. During the processing, my mentor during that session toeld me that I was to focus on my performance during the session and forgot to really do what is meant to be. It hits me, because it is true. I am practicing to conduct a mental health consultation, with a structured outline in which it doesn't supposed to be like that. She said that one of the purpose of the consultation is to know the person. And you cannot know a person based on what you want to ask but what it demands to be ask. She also said that I need to be more confident every time I step during a session. This session gives me a lot of insight. So, I am still grateful that I tried. I was able to know that what I practiced didn't work. So, I need to try a different approach. Until my next session. Thank you, Ms. G. |

| It's already 11 PM and I think, I will try to start something with my thesis revision. Just show up. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I think I appreciated the fact that I showed up. Even though, sometimes it will not really go my way. At least, I showed up and learned something. Even how small. Maybe I can build this habit of just showing up. To be a doctor, is to be consistent. So just show up.

[huisnan]

Day 0005 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I am still having anxieties of going to my internship. Maybe because I am not still confident with what I am doing and that I still think that I do not know what I am doing. So for today, I will try to diminish my anxiety and fear of leading a consultation by continue practicing.

1. Practice mental health consultation. 2. Memorize and familiarize my self with the different services offered at my internship. 3. Try to have a plan and outline for my thesis revisions.

| Early this morning, I already had anxiety. Anxiety of being at my internship again tomorrow. I tried to meditate and here is what I learned. We cannot get rid of anxiety. It is normal response of the body to something. It is our relationship to the anxiety that are affecting our feelings. I notice that whenever I fell anxious, I tried to escape it. I tried my best to avoid it. Thinking that when I escape it, I will have more time to prepare for it. But it doesn't solve the problem, because the moment that I got the time to prepare, I will feel more anxiety of the consequences of it. It's just a never ending cycle. So now, I am trying my best to confront it. To change my relationship with anxiety. That this time, I will be facing it, instead of running from it. Maybe this time, it will work.|

| I realized today that I had all the things that I wanted before when I was a child and when I was younger. The earliest thing I remembered is that I wanted a basketball. This was when I was in elementary. I wanted it so bad, I saved all of my allowance at school so that I can buy it. Today, I already got an original basketball, but I can't even use it. Then, I dreamed of having a motorcycle, so that it would be easy for me to go to a basketball court. I thought also that I could go to places I wanted to go more often. Now, I have a motorcycle, but I can't find myself to go to the gym and play. Nor to go places I wanted to be. When I was a child, I just want to live in a house that is "nakapalitada" or at least furnished. Sleep in a room that has an air conditioning. I got all of it now. Back in college, I wanted so many things that could help me more with my studies and I wanted somethings just because I wanted them. I want to have an iPhone, a good internet connection, and more money. Now, not only did I have an iPhone but I got a MacBook. I got a reliable and fast enough internet connection compared to before. I got more money than before. I also wanted to have a job, not that grand, but something that I would just earn money. I got it now, but I keep feeling that I am sabotaging it, that I don't want it. I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. I got one, but it seems I am jeopardizing it. I got all that I wanted when I was a child, when I was younger. But I just don't seem to see it. I see it now. I got all I need to succeed and I am very grateful of it. I got all I need and it is more than I need to further achieve my dreams. All I need is to have little faith. Just like before, I will get it. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I finally started my revisions on my thesis. A step closer again to finish my graduate studies. Then soon to take my review on for medical school.

[huisnan]

Day 0004 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I want to spend time with mama. After all, I wanted to be a doctor because I want to care for them. Why not now?

1. Buy groceries, skin care and medicine with mama. 2. Spend more time with mama.

| This morning. I really felt how my mama loves me. She always look out for me and what's best for me. Even though I am the one with work, she's still there to support me. I felt guilty also because all these time, all what I am thinking is my self and not her. It makes me realize that I should not only be living for myself, but especially for her. Because since I was a child, or as I was born, she and my tatay dedicated theirselves to my well-being. I have to accept that her time is also limited and I have to make it worth. Gusto ko makabawi pa. I will remember my worth to her. That I am already enough to her. Starting today, I will face any challenges that will come my way. I will face my fears and my anxieties. I will be doing my best to get back and give them what they deserve. |

| I am very thankful for my mother, who is always there to support me. For always looking out for me. This time, she saves me again with my problems.|

What did I do today to become a doctor? I spend time with my mother. How it is related to me becoming a doctor? My papa, tatay and mama are my reasons.

[huisnan]

Day 0003 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I plan this day to finish all my tasks for my internship so that I can start focusing on other things, like my thesis which should be my priority more than anything else.

1. Finish a comprehensive psychological report. 2. Submit all of my pending intake session notes. 3. Start my thesis revision.

| As I am finishing my intake sessions notes, I felt anxious when I remembered that it is more than I month that I haven't touched my thesis for revision. Maybe, I can focus on that later in the evening, to keep it off of my mind.|

| I feel frustrated and disappointed with the people around because it seems like they can't see that I am busy and doing something for myself and my work. But they just keep adding up works to me that should be done by them. This is the same frustrations I have yesterday, which derailed me for what I plan to do. At least, I am aware now that this could potentially keep me off track. At least, I'll try not to prevent that from happening. |

| I was able to take a nap for more than an hour, but I can't find myself to finish the tasks that I have for today. |

| One thing that works for me is constantly having breaks. I am now doing my assignments. I do start with one thing, then when I finish something, like a paragraph or a thought, then I reward myself by doing what I want to do. Like, watching a series. It's just that, I need to ensure that my breaks are not longer than the actual work that I have done. So I have a timer that measures how long I have work, and depending on that, I will spend half of it to having a break. Even less. I think, that is one thing that works for me. |

| I was able to finish the comprehensive psychological report now. I feel satisfied but I am really stressed with my environment right now. I feel the irritation of the people around me. Which is now affecting how I am concentrating. Alcoholism is really destroying a relationship. And a family that is not understanding is contributing to it. Unwillingness of the family members to understand and support the alcoholic might be a great factor. But most especially, the behavior of alcoholics will always be coming from them. They should choose not to, but they couldn't. Maybe because again, they lack the emotional support. Regardless, I am hoping to continue on my work by starting to revise my thesis. At least, open it.| | For tonight, or for the time being. As of 9 PM. I decided to have a break. I think I deserve it.|

| Fernan, this is for you. If you ever felt down again. Wag mong kakalimutan, si mama, si tatay at si papa. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I think that is I was able to finish some of my major requirements for my internship which was already long due. I find something that keeps me on a flow, even for a short period of time. Which could be a good start. Little by little, I am going to chip away that barrier towards becoming a doctor.

[huisnan]

"There is someone out there younger than me, more intelligent than me, and even more hardworking than me who wants the same that I do. I will outwork you!"

[huisnan]

Day 0002 of becoming a doctor.

This day I am at work. I decided to go to work to finish some reports I need to submit next week. Here are some of the things I need to finish alongside the task I haven't completed yesterday, a combination of work and school tasks | 1. Sem ender report 2. Class discussions for lesson 2 3. Recording and posting of discussion 4. Intake session for recent clients | As I was able to finish my discussions, I felt anxious. Why? Maybe because I someone told me that what I am doing is wrong. I felt anxious and guilty at the same time. But I though, what could I do? This is the best thing I can for the current circumstance that I have. Hm. I hope that people would understand, but they don't. Maybe I should have learned to accept it and go on with that tasks I need to accomplish. |

| It seems like I can't find the motivation to do my tasks for Masters. Maybe because I am frustrated. Before this, I do have plans to finish my assignments so that I will not be rushing tomorrow. But, again, I have others things that was asked of me to do. I don't want to, but I can't say no. So here I am again, frustrated. It's kind of killing my mood again. As of 9 PM. |

| I was not able to get back to working but still, I am grateful that I was able to sleep early. I am grateful for having someone to talk to at work. And I am grateful I was able to finish some discussions for my class. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? Even though I am anxious in the morning, I was able to push through. Something that I thought a doctor needed to have as an attitude.

[huisnan]

Day 0001 of becoming a doctor.

I will dedicate this blog now for my journey of becoming a doctor. Let me see how many days will it take me to be there. What are my thoughts and feelings along the way.

I am hopeful for this day.

And these are the things I need to accomplish and face for this day

1. Try leading a consultation 2. Study interpretation for psych test 3. Finish sem ender report 4. Finish intake session notes

| I was able to accomplish 2 of my tasks this day. I feel more relaxed than the prev days. I am grateful that I was able to face one of my fears this day and that was leading a consult. And to the feedback I was able to receive. I somewhat look forward to more, but I am still anxious. But all in all, I feel content this day. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I was able to face my fear of handling my own client. Even though I think I was not that good though, or I thought I can handle it better the next time.