huisnan

[huisnan]

Day 0019 of becoming a doctor?

What will I do today to become a doctor? I will try my best to finish my revisions for manuscript this day and submit it to my adviser.

| I was able to do some major revisions of my thesis this morning. I am quite satisfied with the things that I have finished. But the problem is, I procrastinated this afternoon. I was not able to continue my flow this morning. And now, it is almost 5, and I need to go home. I will try to think of something that I need to change on my routine in the evening so that I will be able to change my habit just doing nothing until I am tired. This time, I will try to consciously do the things that I need to do in the evening. So that, I can finish my thesis revisions. I need to finish it, before I go to Palawan. | 10/14/2024

What did I do today to become a doctor? I was able to finish the revisions on my RRL. It is still a good thing even though I was not able to finish it on time. Still, I am moving forward. Tomorrow, I'll try again.

[huisnan]

Day 0018 of becoming a doctor?

What did I do today to become a doctor? I am not quite sure if I can add this to the days of becoming a doctor, since, consciously, I was not able to focus on reviewing for the assigned subject for this day. If there is something that I can fit to the idea of becoming a doctor, that would be.... I can't think of something. So, maybe this is a blank day.

| I really had lost my motivation to study today. I do not have any energy or focus on moving towards my goals. |

10/13/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0017 of becoming a doctor?

What did I do today to become a doctor? Today, I took a diagnostic exam for Advanced Abnormal Psychology. Even though I am quite disappointed with the current level I have, I think it is still a step closer to becoming a doctor.

| I am quite frustrated with the results of my exam or rather I am quite envy of the scores of my batch mates. They were able to have a perfect score in the diagnostic exam. I felt like I am not going to be able to top the board exam at this state. Like, they were already perfecting the questions, and here I am guessing the correct answer. That is why, I realize that I need to work harder again. To achieve my goals. At this rate that I am working, I might not be able to make it. So, I am hoping I can change something in the next few days. |

10/12/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0016 of becoming a doctor?

What will I do today to become a doctor? I will finish all my thesis revisions to move forward for final editing.

| It's 9 am and I had just finished my work duties. I had finished this week. Congratulations self! And thank God! I can now focus on other things that I needed to do. |

| I just realized right now that I am just fascinated with the idea of hard work but I am not a hardworking. Maybe that is also one thing that I need to change to become a doctor, or just simply finish the things that I need to do. I am always like looking for the easy way and that makes it hard for me to start. So there are two things that I need to focus on right now. It is ok not be perfect and try hard work. |

| On my way to Claire, it rained hard. I was waiting in front of a convenience store for the rain to stop. Then I witness how in a short period of time, it flooded the street. When the rain stopped, I braved the flood and it was my first time to experienced it. Somehow, there is joy within me while doing it. Even if it so inconvenient. Maybe, it is the first time experiencing it, that I realize to appreciate even the small things. I really do love rains. |

10/11/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0016 of becoming a doctor?

What will I do today to become a doctor? Today, I will not be perfect. I will allow myself to make mistakes. To have grammatical errors. To not address all the things that my panels want of me perfectly. Just do it and finish it. Then later on, we can make it more manageable.

| I am watching "The Resident" right now. It is a lot of drama. Which I think will not be applicable to the medical field. But some of the principles, I am learning, I can relate. I hope to think that I am right that being a "doctor" is the best job in the world. Well, in my case only. I am quite inspired by the series. And I know, that there is someone out there who is also inspired by that. And I am diving again into my tendency of treating everyone as a rival. But it is a good thing, I caught it right away. That is why, I want myself to be my rival. To be the best version of my yesterday. Let us do it. |

| In the afternoon, I was able to finish my rrl revisions. It worked. Not being perfect finishes the job. I just got to do it one more time tomorrow. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I finished my RRL revisions.

10/10/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0015 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? Try to start my revisions for my thesis.

| I just finished with my assigned class for this day. I haven't eaten anything yet for this day. Just a coffee in the morning and water for the rest of the day. So far, I was able to survive and teach for 6 hours. I plan to eat and watch Netflix after I go home. Then just to clean my desk. Hoping that I will be able to start my revisions again for my thesis. |

| I was just able to clean my desks a little. I think the problem I am encountering is being a perfectionist. I need my revisions to be perfect and that is why, I can't start on doing something. I want my thesis to be flawless that it is preventing me to do something about it. Maybe tomorrow, I will just permit myself to make mistakes and just start on doing something about my thesis. |

[huisnan]

Day 0014 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I plan to finish all my left work tasks and then continue my thesis. Please let this be a reminder, that by becoming a doctor, I will be able to take care of my family much better. So, please, help me God.

1. Prepare groups and tasks for classes handled. 2. Plan other tasks that needed to be completed. 3. Message classes for tomorrow. 4. Start revising manuscript.

| I was able to finish some tasks for work. And I am having a hard to start on revising my manuscript. I find it so difficult to revise. What might be the problem? |

| I was so tired today. I just want to sleep. I got home and I just can't seem to do anything I planned for the night. I am so tired. How can I continue if I am always like this. How will I become a doctor in the future. |

10/08/10

[huisnan]

Day 0013 of becoming a doctor?

What will I do today to become a doctor? Today, I just plan to finishing some work tasks for my students so that I can catch up a work.

1. Create discussions for class. 2. Record and post class discussions.

| I am quite overwhelmed with so much going to today. So I stayed at the faculty room and at my room assignment in the afternoon. Here I did quite finish some of my work tasks. To be honest, I don't know what I am doing. But I need to move forward. I don't feel like doing anything. But I need to keep moving. The internal conflicts that I have. The motivation and demotivation. I just can't, honestly.|

| While I was driving back home. I can't help but think of Chan. All the the time that we are together when he was still here. I realize, that Chan, makes me feel so special. In his own way, he was able to make me feel that I am worth something. And now he is gone, I feel guilty because I was not able to do the same. I think that there is something I have done better. But I was not able to. Then, I remembered the last time I was able to lift him. Then, I remembered how strong he was. And I can't help to blame the hospital, the nurses and the doctors for not doing that much to help him recover. I am angry! I am desperate. There is still hope, but they were not able to give him that. I want to be a doctor, so that I can understand. In my own experience, if there is still a chance I might have save him. Or they might have done to save him. There is still this unresolved issue in me, that I want to know the answer from! |

10/07/2024

[huisnan]

‘Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space.’

“Eulogy from a Physicist” by Aaron Freeman, with quotes from Interstellar by Christopher Nolan, and images from NASA, Interstellar, Getty, Petrichara, and Reuters.

1- NASA: GOODS-South.

2- NASA: NGC 1850.

3- NASA: Iberian Peninsula.

4- Christopher Nolan: Interstellar.

5- NASA: From the Earth to the Moon.

6- Hannah La Folette Ryan: Subway Hands.

7- Adams Evans: Heart Nebula.

8- NASA: Exploring the Antennae.

9- NASA: Crescent Moon from the International Space Station.

10- Petrichara.

11- Getty Images.

12- NASA: SMACS 0723.

13- Reuters

[huisnan]

Day 0012 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? Today, I will just continue on reviewing for the board exam.

1. Attend refresher review for Advanced Psychological Assessment. 31/50

| I was able to finish my review for this day. I just got 31 out of 50 for the diagnostic exam. 2 points short again for being in the TOP 10 and 7 points short of passing it. This is the hardest subject for the board exam. One thing that I want to commend myself for this review was that, I was not able to answer the simple questions but was able to quite understand the hard ones. One thing to look out for, because I might have forgotten the basics. And then, I am happy because there are complex things that I still remember.|

| There is nothing much to tell about today. It's just that I already misses Chan so much! All the things that we would if he was here. And now it is gone. It has all changed. The house is so quiet. More quiet than before. More of a lonely kind of quiet. I am crying. Everything I look, I see Chan. Everywhere I look, there is a memory of Chan. It is quite very hard already. But we must learn to go on. I learned today, and I somehow agree is that. We don't need to process grief, we just learn to live with it. Because no matter what we do, they will always be there in our memory. Just writing this, makes it hard for me. I can't think of anything else to describe my feelings. Maybe, it's just this for this day. |

10/06/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0011 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I was not able to finish some of my tasks yesterday due to we went out and have a family dinner. Also, there is no classes so I was not able to do some of the tasks that I need to do. I will reschedule them tomorrow. But today, I will be focusing on reviewing for the board exam and finishing my thesis revisions.

1. Attend refresher review for Advanced Theories of Personality. 34/50 2. Continue doing thesis revisions.

|I just finished my review session for today for the board exam. I still have a lot to catch up on. I am glad that I decided to take a review so that I can gauge what are the things that I need to do next to achieve my dreams of becoming a doctor. |

| 34/50, 2 points short of being included in the Top 10 and 4 points short of achieving a 75% passing rate. But still good for someone who haven't touched any book for TOP for a long time and haven't reviewed until now. Good job! |

| This is the first time that we had a sleep over at someone's house. It is kind of strange not thinking about Chan. I miss him so much! We had some fun at my tita's house, but still I feel the loneliness. I hope one day, I can live with this loneliness.|

What did I do today to become a doctor? I was able to successfully start my review of becoming a psychologist. A stepping stone for me to have better opportunities in the future to support me in medical school. Also this is to enhance my credentials of being accepted into medical school. It is how I see it.

10/05/2024

[huisnan]

Day 0010 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? It has been almost 3 weeks since I was not able to pursue becoming a doctor. Even though hard, I will try my best to get back again on working to become a doctor. Facing the challenges that may arise along the way. Bravely facing the consequences of my life choices. With the guidance of God and the people around me and those who reminds me to become a doctor.

1. Organize class records and work schedules. 2. Continue revising thesis manuscript. 3. Start reviewing for psychologist. 4. Message classes for schedules of meeting. 5. Discussion for classes. 6. Recording of discussion for classes.

| I lost 5 important individuals in my life due to sickness and diseases. First was my biological father, when I was in 6th grade. He had cirrhosis. I was not able to take care of him. One day, he was rushed to the hospital and the next thing I know, he died already. My biological mother due to cancer. I was also not able to take care of her. Due to my unresolved issues and problems with her. Until one day, she called, asking for forgiveness. Up until that moment, I was not able to forgive her. And it is already late when I decided to. My tatay (biological grandfather) died also because of cancer in the brain. I was not able to take care of him. All I know is, one day he fell from a tree and broke his legs. Little did we know that his head was affected. Until it is too late again. My lola. Who I was able to take care of, but do have many regrets since I was not able to take care of her to the best the I could think of. My lola died because of Alzheimers. Then, it was Chan. He had hydrocephalus. Again, I do have so many regrets of not caring for him as much as I would like to. I don't want it to happen again. Not being able to do anything for the ones that I love. Starting again, I will become a doctor. This is the best thing I could think of, to take care for them. |

[huisnan]

Day 0009 of becoming a doctor.

Today is October 03, 2024

A lot had happened this past weeks. I was not able to continue my blogging and my journey as a doctor. But here I am again, trying to continue this dream. Let me have this blog for reviewing what had happened.

Sept. 18, 2024 - My last blog where I am trying to continue my tasks for internship. Somewhat still hopeful of the future. Looking forward to the days to come.

Sept. 19, 2024 - The start of our team building activity. I quite enjoyed this event. We had some drinks and a plenty of laugh. I was able to relax and retreat from my usual day.

Sept. 20, 2024 - I am excited to go home. I waited for Claire. It rained hard, we wait it out. When I got home, Chan was there waiting. We eat then played tongits. Chan laid there besides us, laughing at what we are watching (Juan for all, all for Juan).

Sept. 21, 2024 - Saturday. A normal day, raining. Gloomy. We bought oysters and such. Eat then played tongits.

Sept. 22, 2024 - Sunday. Chan got sick. High blood pressure. We brought him to the ER. It is raining hard again. We can't go home. He had a seizure. We got admitted to the hospital. I got home late.

Sept. 23, 2024 - Monday. I visited Chan. He was responding. He was able to eat two pieces of Rebisco. Then at night, he got an NGT. He can no longer eat. His condition worsens. I was frustrated with the nurses and doctors service.

Sept. 24, 2024 - Tuesday. Chan is still in the hospital. Claire decided to go home after school. She was in the hospital. Chan was responding. I felt like he was becoming ok. But during the night, he worsens. The doctor recommends to get to him to an ICU. No rooms were available. Tita decided to stay at the hospital, since it would be better for him. Since, there is no available ICU at any hospital. Some hospitals are not admitting patients in critical condition even if they really need it. I got home. I cried a lot. Anticipatory grief.

Sept. 25, 2024 - Wednesday. Hinatid ko si Claire. Dumiretso ako sa hospital. Ako nagbantay kay Chan. Nakakausap ko pa siya. Last na I love you niya sa akin. Akala ko nagiging ok na siya. Sa tingin ko lumalala siya pag andoon ako. Kailangan niya si Claire. Sinundo ko siya ng hapon. Tapos umuwi ako. Tinawagan ako. Kailangan ko na daw pumunta dun. Tinubo na si Chan. Kailangan na ulit ng ICU. Meron ng available sa Guagua pero kailangan stable muna siya at malayo ang byahe. Di siya nagstable. Manually, nagpa-pump kami ng oxygen sakanya. Still hoping, na matatransfer pa siya.

Sept. 26, 2024 - Thursday. Magdamag kami nagsasalitan magpump. Hinatid ko si Claire. Umiiyak ako pauwi. Di pa ako dumiretso sa hospital. Humiga ako saglit, tumawag na si tita. Punta na ulit ako sa hospital. Sobrang critical na ni Chan. Hanggang sa kinakausap ko siya. Tinatanggap na paunti-onti na wala na. Nagpapaalam. Wala na si Chan. 11:05.

Sept. 27, 2024 - Friday. Nagbantay kay Chan hanggang madaling araw. Gumawa ng tribute video para sa kanya.

Sept 28, 2024 - Saturday. Last night. Tribute para kay Chan.

Sept 29, 2024 - Sunday. Libing ni Chan.

Sept. 30, 2024 - Monday. Lasing si tito. Nag-away sila ni tita. Nag-ayos kami ni Claire ng assistance para kay Chan. Pumunta kila tita Dona. Umiinom ulit si tito pag-uwi. Natulog.

Oct. 1 , 2024 - Tuesday. Hatid kay Claire. Natulog. Inayos death certificate ni Chan kasama si tito. Kumain kami sa labas ng bahay. Ok na si tito saka tita. Sinundo si Claire.

Oct. 2, 2024 - Wednesday. Hatid kay Claire. Binalikan death certificate ni Chan. Sinundo si Claire.

Oct. 3, 2024 - Thurday. Here I am writing this. At work. Trying to get back on life again. It is really hard.

I want to be a doctor no matter what. I do not want my family to suffer from sickness. I don't want to feel so helpless again from nurses and doctor. I don't want to be frustrated with the health care system. I want to make the change. I don't want any family to suffer the same way I feel about their love ones. I will be the doctor I want!

[huisnan]

Day 0008 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I think it is time for me to focus again. Train with the demands of medical school, how to handle them and at the same time train myself to keep going. So for this day, I will remind myself that it is already a training for me to the demanding world of becoming and being a doctor.

1. Finish unaccomplished tasks at work. 2. Finish unaccomplished tasks at internship. 3. Continue my thesis revision for RRL.

| I set only 3 tasks for today. But there is a lot to catch up, especially with my work. I am starting to worry that maybe my students are not ok already. So, it is time to update them with some learning materials and things to do. |

| I saw again the Live of my classmate and again, keeps me wondering where I am right now. Could I ever be at that place? There is this small confidence and self-efficacy that I can do better. So, what is there to do but to get back on working on it. Until my next update. |

| I became emotional while random videos in feed about people helping the elders. It made me cry. I also want to help. Maybe that is in my nature? But I don't know how. I don't know it is just something I want to say to myself to prove that I deserve to become a doctor. And here I am again about my self doubts. No. I want to help! |

| As of 5 PM. I am really tired. I haven't finished any of my tasks. Thanks to this blog, I am reminded that I am in training to be the doctor I want to be. So, I'll just rest for a little bit, then continue on what I am doing. |

| I am listening to this podcast about being a doctor and realize that Ineed to have a deeper reason why I want or need to become a doctor. In relation to what I am experiencing right now handling patient in the clinic for mental health, I am anxious everytime. So what would be the difference if I became a physician. I am thinking that, if this is what I am always feeling or thinking about seeing a patient, am I really fit for this kind of work? But I really wanted to. I feel there is something missing and I can’t figure it out. |

[huisnan]

Day 0007 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? It's already a week. I want to congratulate myself first and appreciate that I have already been able to make small things to achieve my dreams. So for today, I plan to just continue my unfinished tasks yesterday, especially my thesis revisions since it has the biggest impact on how will I become a doctor.

1. Finish thesis introduction revisions. 2. Fill out and submit intake session notes. 3. Create and disseminate groupings of my classes. 4. Start on doing other parts of thesis revision.

| I was able to finish the revisions I aim for this day without even knowing it. Like I don't have any motivation to do it, and I became frustrated when I was doing it but suddenly I was able to make it. I am grateful for that. I am content that I was able to chop down a bit of what really matters right now; finishing my thesis. It's just that, I need to be better at showing up for the things that I set to be. The other tasks I have today is also important but I was not able to finish it. So, let us see tomorrow. |

| I saw my classmate and somewhat best friend in college Live on Facebook. I can't help but compare my self. I admire this person for all the things that she have accomplished but at the same time I envy her. It's like that I feel I can't accomplish the things that she has already done. Also thinking, that she is also married. I am getting deeper again with these negative thoughts. Time to focus on the things that I can do for the moment and focus on my goals. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I am content that I was able to finish some of the things I need to accomplish my thesis revision. Although I don't feel that it is enough for me to get there, becoming a doctor, or I feel that is not enough effort on my part concerning the demands of being a doctor, I am hopeful that I can do better tomorrow.

[huisnan]

Day 0006 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I plan to finish my introduction of my thesis revision and start with the other sections. Alongside with that, I will face my anxiety of leading a mental health consultation. When I successfully conquered it, I will be able to have something to go back as reference when I am anxious with dealing with patients.

1. Finish revision on introduction for thesis proposal. 2. Lead a mental health consultation. 3. Write my intake session notes. 4. Start on other sections of my thesis proposal. 5. Webinar outlines. (1/3)

| I was again anxious this morning going to my internship, but I was able to go through it as I practice what will I be saying during a consultation, and familiarizing my self with how things might go. Luckily, there was no patient for today where I will be able to lead the consultation. I am somewhat relieved but at the same time I wish that I had some patients today so that I can expose myself with my anxiety. But things might have happened for a reason. Two things I realized with my anxiety this morning. First, is that I felt anxious when I am really thinking about it and less when I am preparing for it. So take note is, when I want to counter my anxiety, I need to do something about it. Second, I will really never know what would happen, so best is to just face it. Like this instance, I decided to face it, then just to find out I am anxious for nothing. So, take note is. Just face it. It will get better soon. |

| I have so many unfinished task for today. Tasks that was out of the plan. I was caught off guard a while ago. I am expecting that I was only going to observe a child mental health consultation, but it turns out, she was already 18 years old. So I was prompted to lead the session. It was a mess. I was not able to really do the job. During the processing, my mentor during that session toeld me that I was to focus on my performance during the session and forgot to really do what is meant to be. It hits me, because it is true. I am practicing to conduct a mental health consultation, with a structured outline in which it doesn't supposed to be like that. She said that one of the purpose of the consultation is to know the person. And you cannot know a person based on what you want to ask but what it demands to be ask. She also said that I need to be more confident every time I step during a session. This session gives me a lot of insight. So, I am still grateful that I tried. I was able to know that what I practiced didn't work. So, I need to try a different approach. Until my next session. Thank you, Ms. G. |

| It's already 11 PM and I think, I will try to start something with my thesis revision. Just show up. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I think I appreciated the fact that I showed up. Even though, sometimes it will not really go my way. At least, I showed up and learned something. Even how small. Maybe I can build this habit of just showing up. To be a doctor, is to be consistent. So just show up.

[huisnan]

Day 0005 of becoming a doctor.

What will I do today to become a doctor? I am still having anxieties of going to my internship. Maybe because I am not still confident with what I am doing and that I still think that I do not know what I am doing. So for today, I will try to diminish my anxiety and fear of leading a consultation by continue practicing.

1. Practice mental health consultation. 2. Memorize and familiarize my self with the different services offered at my internship. 3. Try to have a plan and outline for my thesis revisions.

| Early this morning, I already had anxiety. Anxiety of being at my internship again tomorrow. I tried to meditate and here is what I learned. We cannot get rid of anxiety. It is normal response of the body to something. It is our relationship to the anxiety that are affecting our feelings. I notice that whenever I fell anxious, I tried to escape it. I tried my best to avoid it. Thinking that when I escape it, I will have more time to prepare for it. But it doesn't solve the problem, because the moment that I got the time to prepare, I will feel more anxiety of the consequences of it. It's just a never ending cycle. So now, I am trying my best to confront it. To change my relationship with anxiety. That this time, I will be facing it, instead of running from it. Maybe this time, it will work.|

| I realized today that I had all the things that I wanted before when I was a child and when I was younger. The earliest thing I remembered is that I wanted a basketball. This was when I was in elementary. I wanted it so bad, I saved all of my allowance at school so that I can buy it. Today, I already got an original basketball, but I can't even use it. Then, I dreamed of having a motorcycle, so that it would be easy for me to go to a basketball court. I thought also that I could go to places I wanted to go more often. Now, I have a motorcycle, but I can't find myself to go to the gym and play. Nor to go places I wanted to be. When I was a child, I just want to live in a house that is "nakapalitada" or at least furnished. Sleep in a room that has an air conditioning. I got all of it now. Back in college, I wanted so many things that could help me more with my studies and I wanted somethings just because I wanted them. I want to have an iPhone, a good internet connection, and more money. Now, not only did I have an iPhone but I got a MacBook. I got a reliable and fast enough internet connection compared to before. I got more money than before. I also wanted to have a job, not that grand, but something that I would just earn money. I got it now, but I keep feeling that I am sabotaging it, that I don't want it. I wanted to be in a healthy relationship. I got one, but it seems I am jeopardizing it. I got all that I wanted when I was a child, when I was younger. But I just don't seem to see it. I see it now. I got all I need to succeed and I am very grateful of it. I got all I need and it is more than I need to further achieve my dreams. All I need is to have little faith. Just like before, I will get it. |

What did I do today to become a doctor? I finally started my revisions on my thesis. A step closer again to finish my graduate studies. Then soon to take my review on for medical school.