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Sorry // Oli White

“Dear Oli,

after you told me about your feelings towards me last night, I couldn't sleep and I thought about how many times I've hurt you. The time when I was dating Joe or Jack, the time I've cried on your shoulder because of them and I never realized the way you looked at me, like no one else could, or ever will. The way you bared through it with a smile, hiding the way I hurt you. You know, at some point, I have to admit, I had feeling for you, but our friendship was way more important than a relationship, well that's what I thought. This morning I left, I'll come back some day, maybe in a  week, a month or tomorrow, I don't know.

I'm sorry, my unknown lover.

Sincerely your Y/N.”

Oli was in shock on your bed as he hold the letter in his hands. He came into your flat with the spare key you gave him a long time ago, to talk with you about the drunken slurs that left his mouth the night before. The honest slurs. He didn't know it'd affect you this much, to him it wasn't a big deal, he was confronted with rejection his whole life. '

Now he sat on your clean made bed, with the letter in his hands not knowing when his secret lover would ever come back.

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I’m just the girl on the sidelines. The one who can be replaced easiest. The one who doesn’t mean much. The one who sits idly by waiting to hear from people who would rather be with someone, anybody else. I’m the one who is pushed aside. I’m the one who could disappear without a trace. I’m the one who doesn’t want to exist.

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I’m not a self help-book, I’m just a fucked up kid.

Colby Brock (via thisismeh)

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Cancer // Josh Pieters

Here I was, standing in front of the coffin of my boyfriend and beloved fiancé that was taken away from me due a deadly disease. Josh Pieters died on the 19th of July 2023 on the intensive care, his cancer spreading to his heart, eventually making it stop.

Everyone was staring at me as I stood in front of the coffin, our little daughter names Lia an my arm and the engaging ring that'll never be changed into a wedding ring.

“Josh, my beloved fiancé, best friend and father of our child passed away on the 19th of July. He asked me to do an eulogy and I agreed.” I said while looking at the few people that came, due it being a small funeral. “Actually I should take out a piece of paper, reading the letter I wrote over and over, still not being fully agreeing with it, but I realized that a few words on a paper couldn't explain my love for him.” I continued, looking at Jack, his daughter Mila, Conor and his wife Aria, Caspar who hold Joe's hand tightly, Mikey with his wife and kids, Oli and his boyfriend Léon and so on. The only one that was missing was Josh, and everyone knew he wouldn't come back. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I coughed to get my voice back. “We were a couple of tragedy, we've gone through so much together, more than friends,  best friends or even family could go through and I think all of us would be more than right to call this a soul mate bond.” I said, while I looked with tears at the little red headed girl that was laying in my arms, sleeping, not even knowing what was going on with her 2 years of age. “He was my little escape of reality, it was my little paradise, he was my paradise.” I gulped and looked down. “And with one call got that little paradise taken away from me, just ripped out of my hands, forever.” I said, and I could hear the crying of the others. Josh's parents looked at me, tear stained cheeks but they smiled. “He was always the one who put others in front of himself, he always made sure everybody else was okay, before he checked on himself, that was one thing I loved the most about him. He really could cheer someone up with his enthusiastic and caring self, but he totally stopped thinking about himself.” I looked up into the sky and closed my eyes, letting a few tears escaping my eyes. “I wish I could get my little paradise back, he opened my eyes to his perspective and I did the same, he showed me his world, the crazy but lovely world, he made me feel like at the top of the world when he was around. He could lay beside me, snuggled up into a blanket and sleeping, even snoring so loud I couldn't sleep, I still would be the happiest girl on earth.” I smiled sadly as I stared at the coffin. “He was everything I had, and he was everything I needed.” I said, voice finally breaking down. “But I am more than happy to know that a little bit of him will live on in this one.” I said as I looked smiling at Lia. “And before my speech ends, I wanted to say something.” I said and everyone who looked down to hide their tears, looked up. “Josh Pieters, is not dead as long as we don't forget about him, and I think he'll never be forgotten, because he made an huge impact in everyone's life here.” I said before walking back to the others, and getting some side hugs.

And that's when I realized, funerals are not for the dead, it's for the on living non existence people.

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Best of Conor Maynard (part 2)

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Best of Conor Maynard (part 4)

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Suicidal // Joeck

Trigger warning: Depression, Self harm, suicidal thoughts

Jack's PoV

I've never felt more rejected my entire life. I came out as gay to my family, my parents disowned me and rejected me and my father didn't see me as his child anymore. When I came out on YouTube I thought my fans would be supportive and would help me through the tough time. Oh boy was I wrong.

I just got hate and lost about 300.000 subscribers. They bullied me on any social media site and I couldn't help but look at those homophobic and hateful comments. Why do people have to be so cruel to someone who can't change who they love?

Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared as my ceiling. If I could I would turn back time and would undo everything I did. I even got death threads and I was so scared to go outside.

Suddenly someone knocked at my door and Conor's head peeked into my room. “Hey Jack, do you come downstairs? The squad is here and they have food!” Conor said enthusiastic but I couldn't even force a smile. I shook my head no and he sighed. “JOSH!” he suddenly yelled and I flinched. No, please not Josh. The ginger came into my room and sighed as he saw me. With a few quick moves I was over his shoulder and with every step he took downstairs I had to be careful that I puke the tall man not onto his back.

As soon as we reached the couch Josh literally threw me onto it and I nearly fell on Joe. I sighed and wanted to get up but Joe forcefully grabbed my wrist and yanked me back onto the couch, a small whimper escaping my mouth as he hold onto the cuts of this morning. “Jack, we need to talk.” Joe said stern and I gulped hardly at his serious facial expression. I hated this, I hated everything about it.

I nodded hesitantly to tell him to go ahead. “Conor told us you suffer a lot because of the hate you get and that you're trying to isolate yourself. He told us you'd cry every night and sometimes even give yourself the blame that some dumb homophobic assholes give you hate comments. He told us you stopped eating.” He stopped talking and gulped hard. “He even told us that you'd cut yourself.” My mouth was agape and I stared at Joe in horror and I could literally feel the blood leaving my face. “Is that true, Jack?” Joe asked, he had to held himself back from literally breaking down onto the couch. He suffers a lot when people around him suffer. “N-no!” I yelled and backed away from Joe, cursing myself for stuttering. “Jack, I'm not believing that. Please tell me, do you cut yourself?” Joe said, tears welling up in his eyes and it hurt me a lot to see him like that.

And suddenly I was a wreck of emotions and I started bawling my eyes out and at the same time I felt ashamed for crying in front of my friends. “I'm s-sorry but I fe-e-eel so fucking rej-jected and a-l-lone. I've l-o-st everything and th-hat was the onl-l-y thing preventing me fr-o-om putting a gu-un to my he-ead and pulling the trig-g-ger!” I said crying and shaking and I could see the sadness on everyone's faces and I regretted spilling so much about myself. I was done, so done. I was weak. Suddenly a strong pair of arms hugged me and then one pair more and over and over until it was a big buttercream-squad group hug.

Everyone unbraced the hug except for Joe and now, when it was silent I could hear his sobs and I noticed his shaking body. “Joe, what's wrong?” I asked, my voice hoarse and he looked up with puffy eyes and a trembling bottom lip. “The person I love with all of my heart just told me they'd cut themselves and that they have suicidal thoughts.” He said, crying and with his sweater-paw he wiped his tears. “Oh I'm sorry to hear that.” I said nearly monotone, my heart felt like it was crushed between two 3 ton stones.

Joe kept staring into my eyes, and suddenly he crashed his lips onto mine, while his eyes were close mine were wide open, until I finally gave in and melted into the kiss. His hands gripped onto the back of my neck as he'd hold onto dear life. This kiss was filled with so many emotions and Joe's salty lips, that were stained in his tears, were everything I needed.

After we had to break kiss to get oxygen you could hear the other guys cheering in the back. “Please, don't ever do that to yourself again, Jack. Don't ever tell me you want to die or you want to cut yourself, never ever. It hurts me so bad that the person I love tells me he wants to give himself pain what other people cause or that he's so broken that he wants to end his life. Please, I will be there, every time and anywhere when you need me. I'll be by your side, stay up all night with you, embrace you into hugs and cuddle sessions. But please, don't leave me.” Joe said as he leaned his forehead against mine and both of us ran tears down the cheeks and I swear I just heard Caspar and Conor sniffle. “I would never leave you Joe, never in a million years.” I whispered and I got embraced in a tight, protective and truthfully loving hug. I buried my face into his neck and planted there a light kiss. I couldn't believe I could call this man mine. “I love you, Jack Maynard.” “I love you, Joseph Sugg.”

Fucking hell that was emotinal.

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@Joe_Sugg: @Jack_Maynard23 @PlaylistLive #joeck

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i love supportive boyfriends

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Why? // Jack Maynard Imagine

As long as I could remember Jack and I hated each other. None our friends knew why but we had our reasons. We just didn't get along, and now living with him is the living hell.

“Y/N!” yelled Conor from downstairs and I groaned in annoyance as I walked downstairs. “What's up, Con?” I asked with a smile, that faded as soon as I spot Jack sitting shirtless in the kitchen, eating his cereal. I couldn't deny that Jack was good looking, but I'd never admit it. “We're going out to lunch, all of us.” Conor said as he quickly nodded over to his smaller brother. I rolled my eyes and nodded.

“Shut your goddamn mouth, Maynard!” I nearly yelled as I looked over to Jack. “I can't change that you look like a damn slut!” He yelled back and now I got furious, and turned my whole body to Jack, who sat next to me in the back of Conor's car. “I look like a slut?! You're the biggest man-whore I've ever seen, you fucking dickhead!” I yelled. “You're just jealous of me, that I even can get laid!” he scowled. “Yeah, of course I'm jealous of your STD's who wouldn't?!” I screamed back.

Suddenly a stinging pain was on my cheek and a loud slap echoed through the car. And within seconds everything went silent. “What the fuck , Jack?” Conor yelled from the driver seat as he pulled up at the diner. As soon as the car stopped I got out of the car, tears welling up in my eyes. My hand touched my red burning cheek and I whimpered quietly. I've been slapped multiple times by ex-boyfriends or some girls I fought with, but this hurt the most. “I'm so so sor-” “Fuck off Jack, just fuck yourself! Why would you even do this? Like what the fuck, we fought so many times and I never even put a finger on you!” I screamed over the whole parking lot and suddenly our other friends were outside. “Y/N I didn't mean to-” “Of course you didn't, of-fucking-course!” I screamed, my voice was hoarse and my throat hurt by all the screaming. “I'd never hurt you on purpose!” He yelled out in frustration and I backed away. I've never been afraid of Jack but now I'm more than I've ever been in my life. I was terrified. “BUT YOU JUST FUCKING DID!” I yelled back, and I didn't even care about the tears that were running down my cheeks. It was quiet and I started sobbing. I don't know why I cried, I never cried when I got slapped, except when it was a person I loved. But I didn't love Jack, not in a million years.

Jack and I have been crying silently the whole ride back home. I could hear him say over and over one sentence. “I am a monster.” And as much as I hated Jack, he wasn't a monster, he could be one of the sweetest human beings, just not to me. “For fucks sake, Jack shut the fuck up, you're not a monster.” I said in the silence of the car as I heard him say it again and he kept quiet.

As soon as we came home Conor left again to go to the lunch. Jack and I wanted to go home so he brought us home. And now it was an uncomfortable between Jack and me. “Please let me make it up to you, please Y/N.” Jack said with a quiet voice as his eyes roamed over the ground like it was the most interesting thing ever. “How?” I answered just as quiet as he did, but instead of inspecting the ground I stared at him. “Just give me some time, I'll make everything!” He said, slightly raising his voice as his head shoot up. I didn't want to but flinched and he frowned. “Okay, Maynard.” I said. “What?” He asked shocked. “You get one chance, not more or less, make something out of it.” I said coldly. “Oh my god, thank you, I will, I promise!” He said happily, and I turned around to go to my room but  I couldn't hide the small smile on my face.

The whole day I heard Jack running around the flat, and he never once let me out of my room, because apparently he had some serious business in making up to me, so thank god for the bathroom that was connected with my room and my sweets I hid like all over the place.

Around 9pm I heard a quiet knock on the door. “Let yourself in.” I said because I knew that it was Jack. But suddenly Conor stood in my room with a suit. I looked confused at him. “Milady, would you come downstairs with me, Mister Maynard would like to see you.” He said in a really bad posh accent and I tried not to laugh as I got up in my sweats and sweater, I stole from Conor and some fluffy socks.

I laughed out loud as Conor took my hand like he would help the Queen downstairs. And I laughed even louder when I saw Oli, Joe, Josh and Caspar in suits downstairs. I couldn't catch my breath as I saw Jack in suit standing in the doorway a bouquet of roses in his hands. “You all look ridiculous!” I gasped and as soon as I caught my breath. “But it's still sweet, even though I look like a potato.” I giggled and I stood in front of Jack, who was smiling brightly as he saw me smiling. It was just ridiculous what they do here. “You know, you just could've bought me Pizza and we'd be fine, right?” I said in a serious voice. “Too bad I made something way better.” He smiled as he handed me the roses.

“Jack, no! I look so bad I will not go out like that!” I said as I tried to hold onto the door frame as Jack dragged me outside by my waist. “come on! I've done so much, so get your ass out of that house!” He laughed as he finally got me away from the door frame. “I hate you, Maynard.” “I hate you too, Y/L/N.”

We were driving about thirty minutes, and I don't know where Oli, Josh, Conor, Joe and Caspar went. “Are we there yet?” I asked. “A few minutes, beautiful.” He answered calmly and I tried to play cool and that I did not just blushed. He's trying to make up, nothing more.

As the car stooped, Jack literally jumped out of it and jogged over to my side to hold up my door. “Is that a date or a make up?” I asked completely confused. “Maybe both.” he winked and I rolled my eyes. “Jack, I'm not going in there! I'm scared of forests!” I screeched. “I will be there with you, no worries.” Jack said as he hold out his hand. I sighed anxious and grabbed his hand.

For 20 minutes we were walking through the woods and now I was thinking he maybe is going to kill me. But that changed when we came to a wide clearing right beside a beautiful stream. From the maybe 3 meter high trees hung light bulbs that were lit and made the forest beautiful and comfy. In the middle of the clearing was a table, decorated with rose blossoms and candles. In the back were Joe, Josh, Caspar, Conor, Oli and Mikey grinning widely. “Do you like it?” Jack asked unsure. “Like it?” I turned to him, he looked scared. “I fucking love it! How did you do that within a few hours?” I asked shocked and practically attacked him with a hug. “I had some help.” Jack nodded grinning over to the boys. “Josh told you that this was the image of my perfect date, didn't he?” I smirked as I looked at Jack who got bright red and Josh who also blushed. “It's still cute though.” I smiled.

We were seated by Joe and suddenly we had food on our table. And suddenly I heard Conor singing in the background, accompanied by a guitar and he sang my favorite song. Tears welled up in my eyes. “Are you alright Y/N?” Jack asked concerned as he looked at me from across the table. A smile crossed my face and I tried to choke back my tears. “Nobody has ever done something like that for me. And now give me a hug Maynard!” I said while standing up and he stood up in no second and embraced me in his arms, where the tears started to fall. His arms wrapped around me tight, and I just let my feelings overwhelm me. “Thank you so, so, so much Jack, for doing this for me.” I said, my voice a little hoarse. “Thank you for letting me and giving me a second chance.” he mumbled in the crook of my neck and planted a kiss onto my forehead.

And now, 3 months after what happened Jack finally convinced me to be his girlfriend and I swear I never made a better decision in my whole life.

This is my first one and so bad, I’m sorry.