htetalks

[htetalks]

I'm Sorry

The history of our friendship kept me tethered to you, and at fourteen, I didn't understand that how you treated me reflected how you felt about yourself. I watched as you took the world by storm, and although you had said I was by your side, the more I grew, the more I realized I had always been ten steps behind you. You didn't deserve what you got, but I didn't deserve what I got either. The more you tried to keep me caged, the more I began to shy away. Finally, as you became an adult at seventeen, I realized that as long as I stayed and let you continue to treat me that way, I could never be happy. So I did the only thing I could do at seventeen, I ran away. I ultimately left you without a word because how could I explain what I didn't completely understand myself. But it's been six years since we talked, and thinking about our friendship is nostalgic. I don't think I hate you; how could I hate someone who will forever be a child in my memories of you? Although I'm braver than I was, sending this now wouldn't benefit either of us; too many years have passed, and perhaps it's my punishment for running away to forever have unsaid words between each other.

Dear ****,

I'm sorry, truly. I should not have left without a word; you didn't deserve that. A decade of friendship should have ended with closure, and for that, I truly apologize. By chance, fate would bring me to your state, and eventually, you would become the first friend I made there. It felt like I was meeting a soulmate; our birthdays were mere days away from each other, and despite you being a year older than me, I felt like you were my twin. We were attached at the hip and I truly felt like I didn't need anyone else, as long as I had you. For a decade, we'd go through all our milestones with each other and nobody knew me better than you. But along the way, our friendship became tainted. Life got the better of us and we both coped in our own ways. I understand that life got complicated for you, but it didn't excuse how you treated me and made me feel. You took out all your frustrations on me and being your friend felt more like a job. You isolated me from my life and made me feel guilty for not being there for you 24/7. At fourteen, I was scared. I endured it because I didn't want to lose my only friend. I was understanding, and I told myself that you were hurting, but after everything, you would heal, and everything would be alright. But three years later, I was in the same situation, and the final dinner we had made me realize everything I had been trying to pretend was temporary was permanent. The more I had allowed you to treat me that way, the more it became embedded, and that's just how it was supposed to be. And if I were to tell the truth, I started to hate you. I hated that I did. I hated you more for making me become someone who hated their best friend. I began to mentally note everything you did to me. Tick. You cursed me out because I didn't answer you right away. Tick. You told me another story about you doing something deplorable. Tick. You made me stay on Facetime with you even though I told you I needed to do homework, and then you got mad at me for not talking to you. Tick. On the last day, tick after tick accumulated exponentially, and as we sat at dinner in silence for about fifteen minutes, I laughed in my head. How childish this all was. I was desperate to just have it all end. Rather than a best friend, it felt like I was at dinner with an abusive partner. I had started to learn to read your facial expressions and your tones, I catered to you to avoid being yelled at, I paid extra attention to every detail of your life because you got mad if I didn't notice a new article of clothing. What was it all for? I had lost all desire to be friends with you. And so, after everything, I just left your life. I stopped responding and interacting with you. And I haven't regretted it since. I don't hate you anymore, the older I get, the more I forgive you. Perhaps you'll never forgive me, but I'm okay with that. I just wanted to write at least once how I felt about you and why I left. The reality was that we were both little girls who were losing control of their lives and we both behaved childishly. Maybe communication could have solved it? Maybe if I had spoken up, you could have changed, we could have still been friends. But none of that really matters because by the time I had realized my mistakes, it was already too late; it didn't matter if you changed because you had hurt me too much; there was too much that had happened for us to really be friends again. I don't think of you often, but sometimes I'll hear your name. I wonder how you're doing and hope you're well. When I get married, I'll remember how I used to think you'd be my maid of honor as a passing thought. But ultimately, despite the last rocky half, thank you for being my friend. We had good moments, and it'd be disingenuous to pretend I didn't have a deep love for you once. I'll choose to remember you for your wild spirit and your tenacity. I'll choose to forgive you for me. And I'll choose to remember you as an old friend.

Sorry

It’s not that I hate you, i just don’t feel like talking to you. I love you but sometimes you get clingy. If i answer your calls, I wouldn’t be able to hang up until you say so. I won’t be able to get anything done if you kept talking to me. You make me feel bad when i don’t listen to you. You got to understand that i have a life too. I understand you have problems and that you want me to be there for you, but how can i help you if you don’t want to help yourself? You send me millions of texts when I’m sleeping and get mad at me when i don’t reply right away. I’m sorry, for not answering your calls but this is why. I’m sorry you think i hate you, i don’t. I just want space.