howdyjimkirk - Tumblr blog

[howdyjimkirk]

hmmm okay MANY THINGS! uh i’m at uni! my flat mates are all nice. it’s been barely 5 days and we already have the contact info for 2 drug dealers on the kitchen pinboard. (i will probably not do drugs but promise to be safe if i do). teaching starts on the 27th and i’ve met my programme leader n he’s very nice and has a small white dog named bill.

in bad news: my uni won’t let me change my name w/o legal documentation which i don’t have bc not w citizen, gonna email and ask if there’s no way they can’t even change it on my email or smth and somehow link it to my records? idk but i’ve spent the last 2h crying over that haha but i’m drinking tea n watching the new episodes of sex education now.

i regularly forget that i am an Incredibly Anxious person so have not gone out to a club or bar or anything but fingers crossed i *might* go to a free kickboxing + another jiu jitsu session next week but i don’t have any good sports stuff n i can’t work out in my binder so idk. i just want classes to start so i can actually focus on something.

sorry for the VERY LONG message hfhdbfnf i love you! i hope u and little dog are good <3 - trans anon

i'm glad things have been mostly good!!! i wish i could give you advice on the name change situation. genuinely, it sucks that you'll have to put all that extra social and emotional energy into correcting people.

i definitely get the anxiety thing. i spent all of college unmedicated and only started going to therapy during my last year, so i never socialized much. i think you should go to at least one social event, whether it be the kickboxing session or something else. it's never as scary as you think it will be, and you don't want to start a pattern of self-isolating.

i wish you all the luck! let me know how classes are going once you start!

[howdyjimkirk]

helloooooo i am Rotting and i think my father hates me <3 since i moved in on monday we've literally spoken maybe 70 words to each other? he just seems super closed off and angry whenever im around which is super fun with my main mental struggle rn being that it feels like no one cares abt me or would notice if i were gone 🤕 i just miss like. being 12 and having no awareness of my gender or mental illness and being able to just be close w my family and be in south africa everything just seemed so much easier i want to go home but there's no home to go back to. - trans anon

it's not your fault. you dad doesn't hate you, he is just determined to misunderstand your choices; but even if he did, it wouldn't be your fault. you don't deserve to be treated like that, especially not in a place that you should be able to call home.

i hope your dad matures enough to realize what he's doing is crappy. but even if he doesn't, know that he still cares about you even if he's being stupid. and there are plenty other people who care about you. and you're going to meet SO MANY MORE who will love you and treat you the way you deserve.

and you'll find a new home, even if it takes time and some looking. i promise that, no matter how alone you may feel now, there's a lot out there waiting for you.

[howdyjimkirk]

ahh i haven’t been online At All the past few months; i’m so sorry abt your mom :( i know yr relationship w her was complicated n i’m wishing u all the love and healing 💘 - trans anon

oh, thank you! i suspected you didn't know, but it's also so awkward informing people, ya know? i really appreciate your kind words. and don't hesitate to message me if you need to; i'm still here and ready to talk

[howdyjimkirk]

hello i’m alive! my brain is rotting. i don’t even rmr what the last thing i sent was so i’ll just give u a lil bullet points uhh - got diagnosed w BPD and the guy wants me 2 get an autism assessment! he was very nice. very cute. ANYWAY. - got approved for tuition fee loan (sexy) but not maintenance (for accommodation n food n stuff) even tho they have the exact same criteria so i’ve sent a request form for that and then will send an appeals form if that doesn’t work fhdnfndn. uhhhhh yeah! i’m on No Meds rn so i’m gonna try and see if my gp can give me anything. oh yeah a few weeks ago i went to the ER bc i was Very Bad and i got there at 11pm and left at 8:30am without seeing a single person aside from the triage nurse bc they don’t have mental health people outside of working hours which is the stupidest shit ever. uhh yeah i’m quitting my job end august/sept 1st @ latest and then course starts sept 29tj but intro week will be the week before i think. lots going on and i am incredibly stressed haha - trans anon (also ily!! i hope you’re alright as well)

hey!!! congrats on quitting the job! and on the diagnosis! it sounds like you've been doing a lot of good work despite the stress and the ER visit. i'm super proud of you and please remember you can talk to me when you're feeling bad.

ahh, i'm v. excited for you to start school! it seems like you've been struggling with isolation and i can't wait for you to start connecting with people!!!!! i'm rooting for you, babe!

[howdyjimkirk]

ok everything is still Bad but a little less? applied for another job so should hear on mon if they want to interview me or not aaaaand gna submit uni app in a couple days. still feels like my brain is an on fire pile of goo but i’m almost close to the amnt of money i need to get private diagnoses from a psych so 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻 but also i am literally going to Lose It if they tell me i just have depression bc there’s def some other bullshit going on lmao - trans anon

i’m glad you’re feeling a little better! let me know if you need any help on the financial front; i can definitely spare a few bucks.

try not to be too disappointed if the initial diagnosis doesn’t ring true. i know how desperately you want to be listened to, but it takes time to do a thorough assessment. there aren’t reliable tests to run when it comes to most forms of mental illness, so keep trying and keep advocating for yourself, but remember that it may take some time.

i love you! please take care of yourself!!!!

[howdyjimkirk]

what’s up i want to Die and idk why i haven’t done it yet lmao

i’m just. so tired. and getting help takes energy that i Do Not have and it’s like no one listens to me hhhhh just. idk idk idk

- trans anon

you’re still here for the same reason you keep reaching out to me: you know you can feel better. you know it can /get/ better.

i wish you had someone to advocate for you; it’s unfair that you have to do it yourself, especially when you’re feeling like shit. but you’re going to find a therapist who will listen to you and meds that will work and everything’s going to get easier. i promise.

eat something and get some sleep. i love you!

[howdyjimkirk]

a little bit rough, a little bit under construction