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Cameron Awkward-Rich, from "Meditations in an Emergency", Dispatch

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Move aside swagless boutta get a new Wizard’s Staff that comes loaded with spells like “open locked doors” and “dismantle car”

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omg when customers put wet produce on the conveyer belt...you just gave the lettuce COVID-25 from everything that's been on that belt uncleaned

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watching a video of a guy make a miniature model of a hydroelectric dam outside and like. just imagine that youre an ant living nearby like youve been helping in the colony for a few days so you decide to go to the pheromone trails to get some food but the path is now blocked by the fucking hoover dam

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The internet is such a beautiful haunted echoey warehouse

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Hiiiiiiiii. another quiz for u all to take <3 I like doing these

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To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

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like my ideal job is honestly i own an extremely shitty bookstore and cafe and you cant order anything from a menu except cold brew coffee (when we run out, we run out) or you can ask me (i am standing behind the counter) for a drink and i will make you a weird espresso concoction based on what i feel like making and it will always cost a flat 5 dollars (i know, coffee should cost less, but here we are. sometimes the drink will be a scoop of vanilla gelato with an espresso shot poured over. sometimes it will be a coffee seltzer. it will probably just be a regular latte most of the time with sprinkles on top), but sometimes i hand you a grilled cheese sandwich or maybe a novella i like instead. we're only open for three hours between 4-7 in the afternoon btw.

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She's getting cooked on twitter but she's entirely correct

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tiger tale toys 🐀🐁

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as much as the concept of Jesus being a fairly normal lad has its charms, im personally very intrigued by the idea of him being just… extremely weird. not even in a mystical sense, just…….staggeringly BIZZARRE. 

you go to the well to get some water, and here’s Miriam’s boy, staring at the sky, completely still. his expression is unreadable. you hazard a hello and ask how he’s doing, and he slowly, unblinkingly, lowers his gaze on you (he’s 8 and is missing his frontal teeth, not that this is making you any less uncomfortable) and says “I cannot speak of the state of my being, Nathan son of Saul, my brother, but rejoice for the water you shall take today will be as pure as the soul of the children of Heaven”

…you start sweating

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just because an ant wont die from falling off a building doesnt mean he wont be crying and screaming the whole way down

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there was backlash from homeschooling "parents rights" advocates in my area before because of a daycare teaching kids about consent...all they learned is that you don't have to accept unwanted physical intimacy. one scenario that happened is a parent told her toddler boy to kiss a toddler girl in class. toddler boy comes back and says that toddler girl didn't want a kiss. it turns out the kids were taught that you don't touch someone if they say "no". parents thought this was ridiculous. I felt crazy hearing them talk about it, why in the world would you be upset by kids respecting each others boundaries, and why are you asking your toddlers to kiss each other in the first place as if they're toys and not human beings?

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I think a lot of people really haven't considered the unlimited opportunities of being able to just commission art. Like you can literally just pay someone money to have them make practically whatever you want for you. Like you could probably hire some smaller soft rock band to write you a song about some shitty couple who obviously hate each other but instead of just breaking up already they keep getting drunk and fighting about the same damn subjects over and over and over while the neighbours can do nothing but listen to their publicly broadcasted private grievances.

And then put your stereos against the wall and play it on a constant loop until your annoying neighbours pause and go "wait, is this song about us?"