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honey-with-pancake · 1 month ago

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It’s fascinating how "19 Days" plays with perspective, especially in the latest chapters. One of the most interesting things about Old Xian's writing is that, as readers, we’re often just as in the dark about Mo’s feelings and intentions as He Tian is. We’re seeing things through He Tian’s lens, and sometimes, even less than that. This limited point of view is what makes the emotional reveals so powerful, like in Chapter 461, which stirred up a lot of strong emotions for both He Tian and us as readers.

PS: This post mainly focuses on the Christmas updates, not the New Year's ones, since they happen at different times.

When you analyze this chapter on its own, it feels incomplete without revisiting the beginning of the future timeline. The story is always told through glimpses and fragmented scenes, so to get a clearer picture, it’s important to look back to where it all started, the beginning of the future timline. I believe that those early moments give us crucial hints about what was happening inside Mo's mind. It all starts with He Tian’s departure, how Mo dealt with it, and then later, when He Tian returns. The emotional core of this part of their story revolves around how Mo reacts to He Tian leaving, and how deeply it affects him.

When?

A key question that kept me thinking is: when exactly did He Tian leave? It's a critical question because someone vanishing from your life suddenly creates an emptiness—an unease and sadness that linger. Mo’s keeping a box full of He Tian’s things is a subtle but powerful way of showing that he hasn’t let go of that time or that date. It emphasizes that he’s still dwelling on the day He Tian left, year after year.

What really stands out to me is that Old Xian chose Christmas as the starting point for the future timeline. I find that choice to be significant because Christmas seems to be the same time He Tian disappeared. It’s not explicitly mentioned, but I think it’s safe to assume that He Tian would want to return on the same date he vanished, maybe to erase the painful memory. Christmas would no longer be a sad occasion but a day to reframe the past.

If we look back to Ch 224, which marks the beginning of the future timeline, we see Mo after finishing his restaurant job. He’s sitting down, deep in thought, and something interesting happens—he’s smoking a cigarette.

This was new for us; Mo didn’t seem like the type to smoke before. At the time, I thought he might’ve picked up the habit from He Tian, a way to remember him. But after reading the latest chapters, I started thinking differently. Mo didn’t seem experienced with smoking in that chapter; he cough few times, like someone who wasn’t used to it.

So now, I believe that smoking a cigarette on Christmas might be a ritual for Mo—a way for him to cope with his feelings. The box full of He Tian’s things, which appears in Chapter 461, seems to be something Mo opens again and again, year after year, on that same day.

Mo's behavior in Ch 224 shows us he was still trapped in the past, unable to forget He Tian, even as time passed. He pretended otherwise, acting indifferent, but we know from Ch 461 that he was still deeply affected by He Tian’s absence. This suggests that Christmas, the day He Tian left, is a hard day for Mo—one that he cannot forget. The act of opening the box and possibly smoking a cigarette is his way of confronting those memories, a ritual that allows him to face the past, even though it hurts.

So, here we come to a conclusion, He Tian left on Christmas Day, and that’s why it’s such a painful and significant day for Mo. Every year, he opens the box, dwells on the past, and perhaps smokes a cigarette as a way to cope. It’s his personal ritual to remember He Tian, a way to fight against the emotions and memories that still haunt him.

How?

Mo’s usual act of indifference is one of the most frustrating yet telling aspects of his character. He pretends he doesn’t care, especially when it comes to He Tian, but we know that’s far from the truth. In fact, he cares so much, but he’s just really bad at showing it. His aggressiveness and apathy, especially when he meets He Tian at the back of the restaurant, is a defense mechanism—an attempt to seem unaffected while, internally, he’s a whirlwind of emotion. He keeps telling He Tian things like “stay in touch if there's free time. I ussully don't have free time” Ch 271 as if that somehow conveys nonchalance. But He Tian, much like us readers, has no idea what’s going on in Mo’s head. Mo’s the master of hiding his emotions, but this ultimately hurts both him and He Tian because they can’t connect on the same level. This constant miscommunication builds up, leading to emotional strain and, eventually, a breaking point if not dealt with .

What’s interesting is that, while Mo keeps saying things like “get lost” and “you’re not staying here,” he never really means it. We’ve seen him be firm when he needs to be—remember when he got fired after the festival in Chapter 361? That was a real eye-opener because it showed Mo could stand his ground. In that moment, He Tian understood that Mo really wanted nothing to do with him anymore. something we didn’t know he was capable of until that point.

But in this future timeline, Mo is in this weird state of disbelief. He’s afraid to push too hard because He Tian might disappear again. He’s scared to show his true feelings, but at the same time, he’s terrified of doing anything that might make He Tian leave. (I’ll elaborate on this later.)

This internal struggle is evident throughout the future timeline, particularly in Mo’s reaction to He Tian’s return. From the restaurant to the way home, Mo is questioning everything. “Is this really He Tian? Did he really come back? I’m not imagining this, am I?” This is how deeply he’s caught in his own emotions. It’s like he’s stuck in a fog of disbelief, not wanting to accept that what he’s seeing could actually be real.

And even in Chapter 378, when he’s still wearing his indifferent mask, we see him not resist when He Tian insists on following them to the party. Despite saying “it has nothing to do with you,” Mo still lets He Tian tag along.

At the party, Mo’s intention is clear—he wants to drink and drink a lot. He’s done this before, so it’s nothing new to his friends like Buzz Cut and the others. No one comments on how much he’s drinking, but He Tian reacts strongly. It’s almost like seeing Mo get wasted isn’t new for the group, but for He Tian, it’s something that surprises him. I think He Tian might’ve expected to spend the night with sober Mo, which is why he tries to stop him.

The most telling moment comes when Mo, drunk and emotional, hugs He Tian tightly, asking, “Is that chicken dick really back?” It’s almost like he’s questioning reality, unable to believe that He Tian has actually returned. That tight hug, as if holding on for dear life, shows how afraid Mo is that He Tian will disappear again if he lets go. It’s this mix of desperation and vulnerability that makes Mo’s actions so complex. He’s stuck in this emotional loop, unable to fully let go of his feelings but too afraid to embrace them fully. The more he pushes He Tian away, the more he needs him close.

Why?

Chapter 412 is one of those chapters that hits you right in the chest, revealing so much of Mo’s inner turmoil and the emotional weight he’s carrying. It’s raw and intense. And even though we know less about He Tian’s perspective. He Tian, for his part, acts almost like he did nothing wrong—like his absence wasn’t a big deal. But for Mo, it’s everything.

Mo’s drunken confession isn’t just about him spilling out emotions—it’s him grappling with his own uncertainty, his self-doubt, and his fear. The questions Mo asked, like “Where had He Tian gone?” and “Why is he here now?” may seem like they’re directed at He Tian, but they reveal so much about Mo’s own state of mind. At first glance, Mo’s questions could seem like he’s blaming He Tian for leaving, but when we look closely, it’s clear he’s really blaming himself. He’s questioning why He Tian is back in his life—why He Tian is even here. This is Mo, unsure of his own worth, unsure if He Tian really came back for him.

But He Tian replies without hesitation, saying it’s because "he wanted to see Mo badly". It’s He Tian confirming that he still loves Mo, that he still holds him dear, and that he’s missed him just as much as Mo has missed him. But, in the process, we see that Mo doesn’t believe in himself enough to think He Tian came back for him specifically. He thinks He Tian came back for himself, or maybe even just for He Tian’s own reasons, but definitely not for Mo. Mo can’t shake the feeling that he doesn’t deserve He Tian’s love. It’s like he’s trapped in this constant self-blame, thinking that if He Tian isn’t around, it must be his fault.

It’s interesting because Mo isn’t really angry at He Tian’s absence, he’s angry at himself for letting it happen. As I mentioned earlier, Mo is terrified of doing anything that might make He Tian leave. This is the root of Mo’s emotional struggle. He blames himself for everything, and this self-blame has been a recurring theme in his character. Even though He Tian has helped shift Mo’s pessimistic worldview a little, Mo is still trapped in that mindset. He doesn’t know how to forgive himself for the past nor moving forward.

This is further illustrated in Chapter 452 when He Tian calls Mo to tell him he has something important to share. Mo’s reaction is telling—he wants to go see He Tian. This is a shift from the past. Before, He Tian used to drag him most of the time, and when Mo came on his terms, it might have been for something quite important to him, not to He Tian. But despite Mo’s desire to go, things don’t work out the way he expects, and Mo ends up forgetting about the meeting.

The interesting thing is that Mo became terrified, which was shown in his inner thoughts. He went directly to search for He Tian, stressing about He Tian not responding. Mo’s fear here isn’t just about missing out on He Tian; it’s about the old patterns repeating themselves.

He even went further and picked a flower and complimented He Tian. The chapter alone might show that Mo is afraid of He Tian’s reaction, as he used to be in the past. He Tian had that tendency to act cold if Mo didn’t care about his feelings, which Mo did, in fact, until after the SheLi confrontation arc. But looking at the future timeline as a whole, Mo now acts worried rather than annoyed or afraid.

Chapter 454 shows shows how indeed Mo was worried that night and not afraid nor annoyed. He Tian wanted Mo to wear a jacket to hide his "sexy fits," and when Mo refused, He Tian showed his usual attitude. While Mo was genuinely worried the previous day, this time, he acted in his usual way—annoyed. In fact, the whole scene ends up with Mo liking He Tian being overly possessive of him

Forgetting to call He Tian had a severe impact on Mo because in that moment, He Tian wasn’t possessive or jealous. He Tian cut contact with Mo, and that devastated him. It felt like Mo did something that caused He Tian to go silent and cut him off again. That’s why Mo was worried and did his best to find He Tian and make things right.

Which leads us again to a major recent event in Chapter 458 after having dinner at Mo’s, they share a conversation addressing the disappearance issue while Mo is now sober. Once again, Mo falls into his unhealthy habit of trying to hide his emotions, claiming he forgot about He Tian until he appeared again.

However, as much as we, readers, He Tian knows nothing about the internal struggle Mo is going through, nor does he understand the depth of Mo’s struggles. So He Tian questions Mo, asking, “Are you pissing me off on purpose?” But Mo, as always, keeps his facade intact and responds, “No, it’s the truth,” even though we all know it isn’t.

Then He Tian says something crucial: “You’re cruel, I’m leaving.” Those words, along with his seeming intention to leave, sent Mo into shambles; shattered him. His face during the shower scene is heart-wrenching. He’s clearly devastated, but not because of He Tian’s words. Mo understands why He Tian would react this way—anyone would. In Mo’s eyes, He Tian’s reaction is entirely valid. But what this does is trigger Mo’s own deep-seated guilt and self-blame. Reliving the same emotons over and over again. He Tian’s absence was his fault, it was because of him, in one way or another.

He keeps repeating those delusional words out loud: “Leave then,” “Don’t even want to see you.” It’s his way of convincing himself.

Mo is struggling deeply, as I’ve mentioned before. He refuses to be vulnerable, and he’s torn between being true to himself and to He Tian. But he keeps hiding because, for him, that’s the safest way. It’s how he’s built—it’s how he convinced himself to live his life. But it’s also the source of all his unhealthy habits, his self-blame, and his agonizing inner turmoil.

in Chapter 459, He Tian did not in fact leave at all. He appears in front of Mo and says, “Your heartbeat is loud.” And it’s true—Mo’s cheeks were flushed, showing just how affected he is. Mo starts to spiral again. His mind starts to overthink, to dwell on every past event, believing that it’s his fault. But then, He Tian comes in again and shakes him out of that cycle. The entire scene shows how flustered Mo is—not necessarily because He Tian is so close to his naked body, but more because he’s overwhelmed, exposed and vulnerable yet revealed. It’s as though his facade was completely peeled away in that brief moment.

He Tian?

Chapter 461, also, truly reveals a lot about Mo’s inner struggle, and it does the same for He Tian as well. Mo’s face in this chapter, once again, shows his ongoing battle: he does want to see He Tian, but at the same time, he acts otherwise, hiding the emotional turmoil inside. As readers, we can see through that mask. Mo is actually relieved and enjoying He Tian’s presence in his life again, but there’s still this overwhelming sense of self-blame that we’ve seen throughout the story. This chapter confirms the depth of that internal struggle.

What’s even more powerful is how the emotional weight of this situation doesn’t just hit Mo—it’s a lesson for He Tian as well. While we, as readers, feel the intensity of Mo’s pain, this moment is really for He Tian to understand the emotional toll he’s caused. Since day one, He Tian has acted in his own terms—he even cut contact without hesitation the other night. Now, he’s playing a cruel trick that affected Mo’s emotional stability. It’s clear He Tian didn’t realize the extent of the damage he caused. His actions, while not intentionally harmful, have sent Mo into a deep emotional spiral. Mo was doing his best to survive this state of confusion and hurt, and yet, He Tian’s actions have only deepened the sadness in Mo’s heart.

When He Tian finds out about the box, it breaks him. Mo had been trying so hard to keep himself together emotionally, and yet He Tian’s presence, his very actions from the first time he met Mo and till their reunion, have continuously hurt Mo. This realization hits He Tian hard. He sees now how deeply he has hurt Mo, and the weight of that truth is almost unbearable. Mo, who He Tian holds so dearly, has been suffering, and He Tian never truly understood the extent of that pain until now.

And that moment when He Tian says, “I’m leaving,” just yesterday, was the onther harsh blow to Mo. That trick, that harsh act, could have been avoided. But this is where Old Xian’s brilliant narrative technique comes in. We, as readers, are hit with this painful truth just as much as He Tian is in this chapter. We are right there with him, experiencing the emotional impact of this realization.

The final moment in the chapter, when He Tian’s face is revealed, is priceless. His realization that he needs to be more considerate, to try harder, and not to push Mo too much is a turning point. Mo is fragile, and He Tian now understands that. It’s a painful but necessary moment of growth for He Tian. We’re reminded of that earlier moment when Mo said, “I don’t know why life is easy for others, but hard for me.” Up until now, He Tian hasn’t made life easier for Mo—he’s unintentionally added to his pain. But now, He Tian has the chance to make things right, to fix what he’s broken. And with this chapter, we finally see a glimmer of hope that things will change. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s the first step toward healing, for both of them.

I mentioned that I was reading through the Christmas updates and not the New Year ones. However, the New Year update came later, and things between Mo and He Tian seem to have finally come to some good terms. Mo starts to feel more comfortable with He Tian, even allowing himself to hug him tightly in bed and be held like a princess in front of others, days after during that trip. This shows that Mo has grown confident enough in He Tian’s presence, knowing that He Tian is there for him. Slowly, Mo starts to dissolve his made-up apathy and open himself up more, letting go of the emotional walls he had built up.

At the end, I want to say it’s always rewarding to explore these characters and their development. Mo and He Tian's journey is filled with so many layers. There’s so much depth to both of them, and understanding their complexities makes the story even more captivating. So, If you've made it all the way to the end, I just want to say a huge thank you for sticking with me through this entire rambling analysis.

#tianshan #he tian #mo guan shan #19 days

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