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A letter I've never sent

05/05/2020

2:47PM

V.,

I've been stuck at home for the past two months due to the coronavirus pandemic. This quarantine hasn't been as rough as other people have been experiencing it, though it allowed me to think about lots of things… One of these is you, V. I've never (and I will never) stop thinking about you. These thoughts going around my head are so strong that I just can't shut them down. I miss my “normal” life that I had before this pandemic. I think that at this point I would not be here writing this letter for you, still I sort of wanna get my feelings out there and since I can't directly text or even call you, I decided to write this very boring letter, explaining whatever’s going on with me lately. Plus, I literally complain about everything and I know you won't find it interesting nor you'll give me any good advice since there's literally a barrier between us that I can't quite overcome. You have no idea what I could do right now for a message, for a “Hello. How are you?”, or even for a kiss or a hug. I know you've probably forgotten me, I'm probably still there in the back of your mind but you'll never ever consider me again and I don't know why, and I never will. I'll still be asking myself why you did that to me, why you've disappeared without telling me anything, why you've been so cold last time we were together, why you're not interested in me anymore, why you're clearly not gonna talk to me about it. So many questions that won't be answered. And I'm mad. At you. At myself. At the universe. At everyone. At the same time, I still have the same feelings towards you, and I think it's wonderful that I can go back to all those times we've been together and re-experience everything. It is beautiful, but it hurts so much knowing that I'll never talk to you again, or that I'll never touch you again like the way I would. I hate the idea of you using me, but in a sense you did use me. You played with my feelings and you tricked me into thinking that you felt something for me, that you enjoyed spending time with me. It's hard explaining what I felt when I was with you: it's like a strong feeling, a light pressure on my chest that felt good and that I wanted to feel again and again. I'm pretty sure it wasn't (real) love but I think it was very close to it. In these 19 years you're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, V. 

I'll never forget you. 

A

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What is going on in this house?

[honey-moan01]

Twin Peaks (1990-1991) / “The Unified Theory of Ophelia: On Women, Writing, and Mental Illness”, B.N. Harrison