honey-letter

[honey-letter]

My Birthday.

This year, I turned 22 years old.

Every single time the year changes, I think of my birthday coming soon and somehow that thought always fill me with melancholy. I don't exactly remember when it started feeling this way but I never really like my birthday. At least, I never liked celebrating it for myself, I celebrated it for the people that are around me.

What would my friends want to do? What does my parents want me to do?

I can't think of anyone to try and blame for this feeling that I have towards my own birthday. My parents always made sure it was special, when I was little they would throw party for me and invite my friends and cousins that I play with. They continued doing that up until now, they always made sure I have cakes and have the food that I enjoy be served during this day. My friends are angels, especially when I am still in contact with everyone and when they all weren't so busy, they would ask me out to eat or force me to plan something for us to be together on my day. And seeing that they are happy about what we did makes me satisfied, that I did the right thing for my birthday.

But my birthday really wasn't about me, it never felt that way. Despite being an only child for 13 years, it never felt like it's about me.

I'm writing this thinking that I will have an epiphany and find out why I feel this way but I still don't understand it.

My friends being busy with their own lives, the closest ones not greeting me in my birthday was somehow expected and I think the fact that I expected people to forget about me hurts me more. I think, why do I hate myself the most?

The fact that this month, knowing that my birthday is coming and expecting my boyfriend and family to be the only ones to remember it, thinking-

"It's okay, as long as they visit me in my funeral and say goodbye,"

Why do I think of my own funeral before celebrating my life? Why is it more important to me that my friends attend my funeral than celebrating my life? To the point where I have somehow conditioned myself to be okay if no one remembers my birthday, even if it's my own parents or boyfriend.

When the clock stroke 12 the other day, I didn't say anything, I waited to see if they will realize that it's my birthday, waiting for the moment where I will be forgotten. I don't know why I'm like this and why I feel this way.

Is it because I never really saw myself getting old?

Being 22 was so far from what I expected from myself when I was 14. But shouldn't I be thankful that I lived way past my expectancy?

Maybe these questions will never be answered and maybe I really will just live my life and feel happy for others.

[honey-letter]

A Shoulder to Lean On

For the whole 21 years of my life, I felt alone. For the first 13 years, I was an only child- left with my grandparents while my parents work to be able to raise me. I was raised knowing that I can't have everything that I want, I can't have the toys I like and I can't eat things that I want because we just don't have those things- we can't have those things. I learned to take care of myself as early as 9 years old, through all the bullying, school work, and undigested emotions, I managed to go through everything with little assistance from any adults. At the same time, their eyes are focused on me, after all, I was an only child.

Afterwards, I became an eldest sister, I didn't want to at first. I know I would be responsible for her life but it is something that I inevitably accepted because I don't have any choice.

I experienced grief when I lost my grandparents, which I didn't fully understand or process. The next following years was me experiencing another death of my best friend and then finally, a heartbreak that would, although not planned nor wanted, change everything that is within me.

The girl who used to wear her heart on her sleeve so freely, who knows how to tell people how she feels and ask for help can no longer do it the same.

I became someone who everyone leans on for help, a person who holds people dearly when they're distraught, who carries people's burden so freely regardless of how it makes me feel, and at some point, it made me feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I wanna be remembered as a good friend when I die or maybe because I just genuinely like helping other people.

The rewarding feeling of being there for everyone sits within my heart, it makes me love helping and reaching out to others. But I realized that it's because no one does that for me.

Regardless of how many people I have helped (or at least tried to), no one reaches out to me to ask how I am doing and if I am doing fine. I can try to reach out but no one understands it and shoves it aside. It makes me question who my friends really are and if I am just a friend who is only a friend for convenience. Or is it my fault for not letting people see how vulnerable I am that everyone thinks I am strong enough to handle everything in life? Or do they just not know me as well as I thought they do?

Every lonely night I wonder if anyone would make time to visit me when I die? Or will I just be one of those unvisited graves?

What is it like to have a shoulder to lean on?

[honey-letter]

Depression, Suicidal Ideation & Unfulfilled Dreams.

! TRIGGER WARNING !

Talks about suicidal ideations & past self harm experience that might be triggering for many. Please click away if this blog post will affect you negatively.

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It's been a while since I last wrote on this blog. There's a lot of ups and downs that has happened since then- in general, I don't know how to express the experience that was the last few weeks.

I've been thinking about suicide a lot, specifically, how I will write my suicide letter and how I would do it if I did. I realise how bad it is for me to think about these things the moment it started happening months ago but back then it was easier to shake off, I can distract myself and be okay. Sure, there will be times where it is harder to deal with, but nothing that can't be solved with a small breakdown.

These last two-three months though, it's been intolerable especially these two weeks, it's been bad. I haven't had a day where I haven't fantasised about it, it felt terrible but at the same time I can no longer shake it off. It's to the point that it doesn't make me cry anymore- I feel nothing.

It's so much easier to notice what I'm doing rather than how I'm going to fix it or how I would make myself feel better, personally, it just felt hopeless at this point.

Thinking about suicide and writing my suicide letter felt so bitter sweet, I don't wanna live the people that will be affected by me leaving- my sister and my boyfriend but at the same time it felt so freeing to be able to leave.

The moment I'm typing this, I still feel suicidal, which is why I felt like I need to let it all out otherwise something else might happen again.

Last month (or maybe two months ago, not sure), I relapsed in self-harming, it was during such a bad breakdown that I've hurt myself physically. It felt better for a few moments after doing it but after having to confess to my boyfriend about what I did, seeing him cry and worry, I definitely felt a lot of regret doing it.

I don't think I will ever feel the need to do it, for my boyfriend's sake and maybe a bit of mine, but it worries me how fragile I've been lately.

This post is cluttered but that's my brain right now, sorry.

[honey-letter]

Depression, Anxiety & Quarantine

As you can imagine, quarantine has been affecting me negatively in terms of mentally. I believe I even mentioned it in my last post about my relationship during quarantine. Honestly, it’s been very difficult for me to cope with staying at home for months. I’m the type of person that needs to go out to let go of the things in my head- the anxieties, the depression and self-doubt. So, being inside the house with me and my own thoughts has been very isolating.

Isolating, if I can summarize the whole quarantine, that would be the word to describe it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m surrounded by my family during quarantine and we’re financially stable- something I’m very thankful for and recognize as a privilege during this hard times. The only thing is, no one in our house knows about my mental state. It’s something I really didn’t want to disclose with them as I don’t know how they’ll react, besides, I really don’t want them to look at me differently and put meaning to my actions once they find out.

Because of this, I have to hide every breakdown and anxiety attacks that I have whenever I get it. It’s hard because you really don’t time when you’re gonna be having a breakdown, anxiety attacks or even panic attacks. There are moments where I’ll be having it the moment I wake up or at noon or even before we eat lunch and dinner. Really, it’s difficult. 

Despite this, being in quarantine made me do things that I wanted to do for a long time. 2 months ago, I started growing the roots of an avocado seed and by next week, I can plant it in soil. I’m also planning to plant the onion I grew today so I’ve been learning how to take care of plants.

There are moments when I feel like I won’t be able to survive this isolation, though. I’ve had a few moments where my suicidal thoughts are coming back to me. And truly, that scares me. When I was younger I thought I wouldn’t live past 18 years old, I had plans to die then but now, I’m a few months away from turning 20 and I’m honestly more excited with my life now. So, the fact that I feel these thoughts coming back to me is scary but I realized that I have so much more reason to live now than I did back then.

I have my boyfriend who I wanna spend the rest of my life with, a long, happy life with him and even make a family with him. I have friends who I wanna see succeed in life and build their own family, too. I have so much plans for myself and for my boyfriend that I don’t wanna ruin.

So, today, I’ll live and continue living until I’ve done all of these plans. Then, I’ll happily leave this world as we’re all destined to. 

Thankful for my boyfriend, Christian, who makes me strong everyday and always reminds me that I’m loved for who I am. He is one of the main reason why I wake up everyday despite all the hurdles.

[honey-letter]

Relationship during Quarantine

After March 09 of this year, our country suspended all classes, a week later we would be under quaratine for COVID up until today. There's one decision I'm glad I made before the whole quarantine and it's that before the suspension of classes, I'm with my boyfriend.

I remember the day clearly since it's like any of our usual day going out after school. We don't have the same school so either of us would have to adjust to meet each other halfway to a mall- it's usually me but it's not really a problem since I love the travel. We went to the mall, walked around and talked- we would honestly visit bookstores whenever we're in a mall. I craved icecream before going home so we went to a DQ and bought a small icecream which he ended up finishing.

After that, we went home.

The first months of quarantine was hopeful, we thought everything will be done by April so we're both calm about everything. We even planned his birthday which falls into May, needless to say we're both disappointed and upset when we found out it will last until today, July 19. We managed to talk everyday even though he is busy with his work in their family business and we will be having our time calling each other at night, too. But I'd be lying if I say that we didn't have any fights.

Quarantine has been making me feel worse mentally andy anxiety has been pushed to its max, his was not doing any better. Which has caused a lot of our arguments and small fights. We had a lot of small fights here and there, most of them can be solved after short calm talks through messages or calls. But we also had two big arguments during quarantine, both are mostly at fault. I have cried about it at some point but these arguments are making us understand each other much better.

Understanding each other's insecurities, anxieties, wants and needs is important in a relationship and this whole quarantine is making all of our tiny secrets reveal itself in moments of argument and misunderstanding. It helped us a lot and I've became more open to what I feel because of quarantine.

On the other hand, I missed him A LOT. My love language is quality of time, so not seeing him for such a long time is making me go insane. I have cried about missing him so much during quarantine. There are times where in my dreams, I was with him- waking up beside him or just seeing him.

So when he told me yesterday that he can finally visit me, I cried. I can't even pretend that I'm not because I just broke down. Today, we met after nearly 5 months of not seeing each other and it made me happy. It felt surreal to see him and touch his face and hear his voice again.

I can't wait for quarantine to be over and everything go back to normal, whatever normal it may be. I just want to be able to pay him a visit and even stay in his house without worrying about our physical health being at stake.

And when that happens, I promise to spend most of my time with him.

[honey-letter]

The Art of Loving & Being Loved

It’s been a while since I write anything in this blog I have, the last few months (has it been months? I really don’t know.) has been an adventure. A lot of things changed in our relationship, and I believe it’s for the better. I have shed a lot of tears these couple of weeks because of him, I felt a lot of anxiety losing him over someone else. Although I am good at putting an act of being tough and undisturbed, I am insecure about my ability to keep a person in my life.

Throughout my life, I’ve lost a lot of people and even though I’ve come to terms with all of these people leaving, there is still a hint of guilt that stays in my heart whenever someone leaves. It’s the guilt of lacking something they needed, maybe it’s something I could have given if they asked me or maybe it’s something that I really cannot give. Whatever the case was, I felt like I was to blame for it.

In this relationship, I feel that guilt every day, and through something he said last November 23, 2019, it triggered that insecurity. For the first time, in two years, he saw me cry in front of him- not something that I am particularly proud of, but I couldn’t help it.

I’ve never really had that much deep insecurity about my physical appearance, I’ve always been comfortable with my skin except this one thing about my well being that really hurts me.

We are fine now, I am trying to regain some love about the things that I lack and cannot give to people as he is trying to love me for who I am even when I am lacking. 

I realized that this is what the art of loving and being loved is, the acceptance of your flaws and your partners’ flaws, too. That sometimes, you get hurt by them and you hurt them but you also have come to terms that you’re both not perfect and that happens. What matters, at the end of the day is that we learn how to be better for each other and that we always try to be better.

Loving and being loved is terrifying but I am willing to do it for him.