honestmagpie

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A helpful guide to some common birds here in the western US

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Give him back his swords NOW !!

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big sister and little brother.

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your presence haunts

black void version

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The Nut Comic. My greatest creation yet. Script by @vampyrochor and close ups under the cut

help me.

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Collab with @brutalitybunny!

So much fun drawing with you ^^!!

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~ Batman (1940)

Bruce: Son, I'm going to teach you how to be dramatic af. As the sun rises, we stand on the gargoyles near the church, so when the bells ring, we look menacing. It is even more powerful because gargoyles are said to be guarding against evil, and churches' bells can be associated with judgement day. It's not about religion, it's about the symbolism. We are menacing creatures, guarding the city against evil and bringing down judgement on the poor souls in Gotham.

Jason: *eating that shit up like there's no tomorrow*

There are both so dramatic, and I love the idea that Bruce taught his love for dramatics to Jason, and the kid loved it so much, they bonded over that.

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there’s not enough fic about the angst (and humor) of Jason borrowing or having to borrow Bruce’s clothes because they’re the closest in size out of anyone else in the Batfamily.

option 1: Jason gets injured as Red Hood, someone finds him while on patrol and brings him back to the Cave. he wakes up in Bruce’s clean clothes and is disgusted (angsty)

option 2: Jason borrows Bruce’s clothes and wears them right in front of him to try and provoke a reaction (hilarious)

option 3: Jason needs black tie attire and Alfred promises him something “absolutely fitting.” it’s one of Bruce’s suits, but no one mentions that to him until Bruce’s eyes bug out (angsty but could be played for humor depending on Jason’s mental state that week)

Bruce puts his suit jacket around adult Jason to warm him up. it fits perfectly. (100% hilarious AND sad)

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@sreppub mentioned Bruce choosing clothes based on the ability to wrap them around frightened/traumatized children which forcibly jacknifed my mind to the conclusion that the cape is ALSO designed with that purpose, it's entirely detachable and insulating and all of those things. BUT. imagine if it was a contingency for protecting those kids, especially the ones who might run or try to get involved in a fight? like a little inflatable life raft, but so much worse. once it gets wrapped around the kid, it engages by fluffing up and just...not letting go. you're suddenly trapped in an insulated burrito and locked down.

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Batfam incorrect quotes while I wait for my Sims 4 update to download :D

—

Jason: Go to hell.

Tim:

Tim: Batman, Red Hood is being homophobic.

Jason: WHAT!? YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY!

Tim: I'm bi.

Jason: ??? Since WHEN?

Tim: I have a boyfriend.

Jason:

Jason: Batman, Spoiler turned Robin gay—

Stephanie: WHAT!? I TURNED NO ONE GAY!

Cass: ?

Stephanie: Oh my gods, I turned Tim and Cass gay... I'm gonna turn all of Batman's kids into gays.

Bruce: Please, focus on the mission.

Dick, in Blüdhaven but he likes to feel included: I mean, how do we know Batman isn't turning everyone gay?

Bruce: It is not possible to turn anyone gay.

Steph: Nightwing, Red Robin, Red Hood, Batgirl two, Batgirl three, Harvey Dent, Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy, Ghostmaker, Superman, Batwoman—

Bruce: Batwoman was gay before she met me!

Tim: That's the only one you're defending?

Kate: He even turned himself gay.

Damian: As childish as this is, I have to point out that Superboy and I also—

Steph: HE TURNED SUPERBOY AND ROBIN GAY!

Tim: Which Superboy specifically? They're both bi.

Bruce: I DID NOT TURN ANYONE GAY!

Dick: Someday it'll just be the gays... And Bruce.

Jason: Isn't Selina pan?

Steph: The plot thickens.

Tim: Wow, this whole time I should've known I was bi just from being exposed to Bruce.

Dick: It's like radiation!

Duke: Nah, am I next? I don't wanna date dudes, I'm definitely into girls.

Tim: I thought the same thing!

Steph: Till Bruce came along...

Bruce, shouting as Jim walks onto the roof: I did not turn anyone gay!

Jim: Am I... Interrupting something..?

Bruce: . . . No.

—

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Jason: yo, whatcha doin’? Damian: *arms crossed, glaring out the window* Father forbade me from moving out Jason: well you are like fiv— Damian: is this not called the land of the free? Jason: Damian: how can I be free, held within these walls like a canary in a coal mine? Forbidden from spreading my wings? Jason: bro you ain’t even in middle school yet, turn off the teenage angst and have one of the cookies I brought you Damian: *huffs and petulantly accepts the cookie* Jason: why’d’ya even wanna move out anyway? Damian: Jason: Damian: . . . Father said he would not allow me to house a tiger here, which I find unacceptable Jason: Jason: you. Have a tiger? Damian: *frowning* have I not mentioned this before? You must have seen her during your time in the League, Akhi. She was but a cub then Jason: KID, YOU KNOW I WAS HIGH AS A KITE ON GREEN ANGER JUICE WHILE I WAS RHERE. THE ONLY THINGS I CARED ABOUT WERE YOU, THAT ONE DESSERT MADE IN THE KITCHENS WITH RICE, AND THE EXTREMELY ENTICING IDEA OF BURNING THIS MANOR TO THE GROUND. YOU KNOW MY MEMORY OF THAT TIME IS SPOTTIER THAN DICK’S ABILITY TO ACCEPT PHONE CALLS. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD REMEMBER A FUCKIN CAT? I AINT EVEN A CAT PERSON Damian: *arches brow* really? You were the one to help me bottle feed her. She slept in your lap most nights. Jason: Jason: this is manipulation Damian: 🥺 Jason: Jason: fine. She can stay at my house. But you’re explaining this to Dickie.

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Can you imagine if the reason why Damian thought Bruce would be taller is because of Jason Built-like-a-tank Todd...

Damian is this kid training in the league and one day sees this absolute monster of a man just walking around.

Two hundred twenty-something pounds of muscle, a towering six feet AND some... Damian is used to having to look up to see people in the eyes. This guy could be crouching down, and they still wouldn't be at eye level.

Like mathematically, pythagorically, Damian has to be at 2 ft of distance or Jason is not seeing his ass. His mother says "He's still got some growing up to do" and Damian is like "More??!"

And well, if that tree in disguise was Robin, then naturally Batman must be like at least a head taller. Right?

Cut to show day, Damian has this image of Todd in his mind, distorted by time and the perception of a kid. And he's comparing that to Bruce, genuinely confused, like "Where's the rest of ya?".

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Exploration on alien!Bruce's shapeshifting :3

(Probably the last thing I'll post before supefbat big bang)

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Part 54! Honestly living as a bug is sounding pretty good right now

Prev ~ Beginning ~ Next

(Thanks to @lonelysheepling and @khajittink for the questions!)

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Jason and Tim thought it would be funny to trick Bruce and Dick into seeing a couples therapist under the guise of it being family therapy but it worked weirdly well and now it’s super awkward because every time Dick talks about how much Bruce’s fathering attempts with him are improving because of the therapist they both have to hold their breath and try not to say that the therapist thinks they’re a gay couple and actually this is only really proving that Dick and Bruce’s relationship is way more fucked up than they thought-

~

Dick: it’s actually been going really well, i’ve felt way more respected and cared for as a person rather than just an asset

Bruce: the weekly bonding time was a good idea, i feel much more connected to him.

Therapist: that’s great! now that you’re both building trust again, you can start to see the blessings of your relationship outside of just working in the same field. has there been any noticeable improvements in the energy of the bedroom department?

Bruce:

Bruce, abruptly remembering that Jason and Tim picked this therapist and Jason and Tim are assholes: what.

Dick, oblivious: well he’s stopped coming into my room without knocking? if that’s what you mean?

Dick: and there’s no security cameras anymore which is a plus-

Bruce, sinking down in his chair: for the love of god Dick shut up.

Therapist: now now, this is a safe space. it’s perfectly normal for people to engage in videotaping of sexual moments, but if Dick felt uncomfortable with that then his wishes should be respected.

Bruce:

Dick:

Dick: hold on. what now?

Jason and Tim in the vents, rapidly scrambling away: ABORT ABORT

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We’ve heard Nolan!Batman mock the Batman impersonators for wearing hockey pads and pretending to be him fighting crime, but have we considered the hilarity of Jason Todd as Red Hood running into one of those “impersonators” in the Narrows and just immediately cracking up, like fully bent over gasping for breath because some shithead from Gotham U wearing boxing gloves spray painted black just nodded at him and said “Hood” like that was how Batman normally greeted him instead of a pained inhale.

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average batfam dinner conversation

“Maybe try therapy?” Duke suggested. “Just putting that out there. You know, as an idea.”

“You try therapy,” Tim snarked back, jabbing his fork into the broccoli with a worrying amount of fervor. 

“It would be good for you.” Cass grinned mischievously over her plate at Duke. He narrowed his eyes, and there was a muffled thump beneath the table. It was immediately followed by a slightly louder thump, and he yelped. 

Bruce really thought the kids knew better than to pick fights with her at this point. 

Duke scowled as he rubbed his shin. “I’m the best adjusted out of all you assholes.”

“Lies and slander,” Dick declared. “There is no ‘best adjusted’ out of us, and if there were it would be me.”

Everyone turned and stared at him for that. He stared back with a bright smile, daring them to challenge the notion. 

He was lucky Jason wasn’t here, because he would have picked a fight instantly. Especially because he’d been there for the worst of his and Dick’s fights, back when their family was smaller but somehow no less complicated. The rest of his kids were too tired to argue the point, thank god. 

“I went to therapy once.”

Now everyone was staring at him instead. He took another bite of his food. 

“Uh…are you going to elaborate or anything?” Duke asked. 

Bruce chewed, swallowed, and sighed. “The therapist kidnapped me and held me for ransom.”

“Oh my god.”

“That explains…a lot.”

“You mean everything about him?” 

That was hurtful. It didn’t explain everything about him. That would be ignoring both his parents deaths and finding out he lived above a giant cave that was the perfect size for a secret lair. Really, Dick, he expected better. 

“Sorry that happened,” Cass said, because she loves him the most. Then she added, “It does track.”

Never mind. Bruce was going to die cold and alone, rather than be surrounded by his army of tiny traitors. At least Damian was eating quietly, although he could see him hiding his gaming counsel beneath the table. He was supposed to be grounded, but Bruce could only deal with so many losing battles a day. 

“What if you went to a therapist outside of Gotham?” Duke suggested, apparently having latched onto the idea of Bruce seeing a professional. He didn’t know why. All in all, he thought he was handling things pretty well. 

Tim snorted. “Yeah, and then they’d take off their mask at the end of the session to reveal it was Ra’s al Ghul all along.”

“Yeah, okay, fair. But like, Ra’s al Ghul? That’s who you’re going with? Seems out of his area of expertise.”

“If you ask him, nothing is out of his expertise. He’s probably got, like, three psychology degrees or something.”

“More,” Damian said. The final holdout in the children's war against his mental health this evening. Bruce quietly despairs. “He is a knowledgeable man. Although most of the degrees he has earned are not legally recognized, as he did not actually go to a university for them. I myself have obtained several while living with the League.”

Duke nodded along. “So what I’m hearing is we hire Ra’s to be Bruce’s therapist.”

Tim immediately choked on his chicken and fell out of his chair. Dick had a similar reaction, erupting in a coughing fit that nearly toppled him too. Cass just laughed loudly. Damian was looking at Duke with disturbance written across his face. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Bruce decided then and there not to mention that he actually had confided in Ra’s some while training under the League. He’d take the secret to his grave, if only not to give Duke more steam. 

“Could be funny,” Cass said. “Mental illness? All illness can be cured with my special green pool.”

There was a strange silence after she said that, as if his kids were waiting for something. Dick frowned and leaned over Tim’s chair. “Tim? Buddy? Are you dead? You didn’t even make a joke about Jason being sick in the head.”

“Did I kill Tim?” Duke asked. “Shit, Jason’s gonna be pissed. He’s gonna have to stop calling him a cockroach.”

“Don’t worry, Thomas. The name still fits perfectly.”

Maybe he could skip patrol tonight and just…go to bed for once. Take a break. Smoke a joint and watch Real Housewives of Metropolis again, if only to quietly make fun of Superman’s guest appearance. Or loudly, if he felt like antagonizing Clark. 

“Wait, no, I think he’s actually choking, hold on-“ Dick’s chair tumbled over as he rushed to give Tim the Heimlich. Cass’s eyes widened, and she quickly grabbed a trashcan to save the floors. Bruce got a glass of water ready as he retched. 

Tim’s head popped up from under the table, and he pointed at Duke. “We have got to hang out more,” he rasped. 

Duke looked touched. “I just almost killed you.”

“That’s how I make all my friends, you’re not special.” He accepted the water, and Bruce quietly despaired as he helped him up. Why were his children friends with such dangerous people?

There’s a little voice niggling in the back of his head that says that maybe if he didn’t want his children to be friends with dangerous people, he should lead by example instead of befriending the most dangerous people on earth. He pushed it away. 

Damian sniffs. “Your self preservation skills are abhorrent, Drake. I should never have even bothered putting in an effort to get rid of you, your stupidity will make quick work of you sooner rather than later.”

“Puh-lease, like none of your friends have tried to kill you.”

“Obviously not. My instincts are far superior to yours.”

“Horton hears a bitch ass liar,” Tim singsongs, and immediately has to duck back under the table to dodge the fork that was thrown at him. Thank God Alfred wasn’t in the room for it. If the silver was scratched, Alfred would give him the I’m not mad just disappointed face. As if it’s Bruce’s fault his children are like this.

He takes zero responsibility. They came to him like that.