holographicrush

[holographicrush]

love is really stored in the tangerine slice i guess i'm feeling so emotional for no particular reason like. love is the point

[holographicrush]

i think our souls are bound

[holographicrush]

psychologist abraham maslow (1968) suggested that human needs fall into five categories, which must be satisfied in order [...] The most basic needs are physical: sufficient air, water, food, and rest and the ability to reproduce as a species.

[holographicrush]

you know what? i think i might let you. cautiously.

[holographicrush]

i want to know you

[holographicrush]

there are many things that are new in my life. complete freedom, extreme loneliness, self-dissatisfaction, harsh truths, friends, love, etc, etc.

partially leaving hybe to finally pursue a solo career is new and the main source of distress for me right now. i no longer am a mere employee and that is an extreme change of pace considering my entire musical career thus far has been completely based on following someone else's cues. dancing to my own beat has made me realize i have two left feet after all. worry gnaws at my guts every waking moment and i've become fidgety and obsessive. i watch the semi-static youtube view counter as a new routine, too.

as i've had to rely on knowing myself well enough to know what i want to create, a new urge to tear myself apart and inspect every piece like the gears of a machine also appeared. i cannot create, i cannot evoke feeling, i cannot make art for which i'd want the world to know me. i'm scared, true. that's new. i'm full of distrust in this intimate relationship between me and my art, that's also true.

if there's anything that coincides in all of this is that all change has been extremely uncomfortable. the anxiety is overbearing like being in a rocky boat would be for a chronically motion sick person. the new and overwhelming urge to break.

[holographicrush]

want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want want

[holographicrush]

Alejandra Pizarnik, tr. by Yvette Siegert, from “[...] of The Silence”, Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 - 1972

[holographicrush]

maybe it's the mental illness speaking but i'm actually kind of jealous perhaps i do want a child

[holographicrush]

very ya protagonist of me but i think i am very empty

[holographicrush]

i miss when hybe was my only connection with putting out work i miss the comfort of knowing that my name was in the small lettering and that i would never be defined by the quality of bangtan product no matter how good or bad it was.

it was artistry and being perceived without any of the consequences and a guaranteed paycheck at the end of the month where performance didn't matter despite it never being a concern.

i miss having no need to define an identity to show the world and instead trying and interpreting someone else's identity altogether and turning it into music they could share. no parts of me involved but calculations like a mathematic problem.

going further into the depths of this dream of mine is making me wonder if i was ever cut out for something like this and i'm deadly afraid the answer is no.

[holographicrush]

- i am a creative am i not?

- perhaps as your dayjob

[holographicrush]

oh to write songs.... that would certainly be nice

[holographicrush]

i held you hostage today even though i was a ghost the whole time. you didn't mind. you never do. i like things this way and i hope they never change despite our aspirations and the hands of fate.

[holographicrush]

see my love consumes and devours in a desperate attempt to fill the gaping hole a cold and lonely childhood left in me. that's why i need the constant reassurance and to be adored like a monument, not a person. and that's why i consistently ask these strange questions that make me the protagonist again and again. i want to hear that i'm loved and that no other love could ever come close to what it's like to love me simply because i exist and that's not an inconvenience for anyone.

[holographicrush]

i guess it's okay to feel when you're around

i don't like to be in such a clouds and rain mood i really don't like it

[holographicrush]

i don't like to be in such a clouds and rain mood i really don't like it