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Bruce installs a laser grid around the house and creates personalized training schedules and leaves his food at the front of the fridge and sues tabloids for slander and builds secret hallways escaping galas and learns all the new arcade games and tracks his enemies' movements and keeps snacks in his belt and leads PTA meetings and stocks extra batarangs and memorizes what everyone leaves home wearing and sets custom ringtones and triple-checks for injuries and shoulders the memories and drafts contingency after contingency because anything is easier than saying the words "I love you"

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Well.... it was nice for a while.

literally the next page

I would love a running gag where the Riddler keeps discovering Batfam identities and getting mind-wiped and all the constant brain damage is the canon explanation for his inconsistent characterization across the years.

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why do i end up sitting straight up in my sleep. ignore how many blankets I use.

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do you ever say something and then think "wow this isnt even a bit. im just like this"

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they should serve eggnog year round as a controversial milk

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We as a society need to take advantage of Bruce’s movie trauma more.

First of all, not only is he incredibly apprehensive about cinemas, he’d also be way too busy with Batman and single mom-ing to stay in the cinematic pop culture loop?

I wanna see Bruce who only ever watches recorded Gray Ghost tapes. Name any movie post 2001. He hasn’t watched one.

When the Batkids enter the picture, they hold a contest on who can inflict the hardest psychological damage. Tim tries hooking him on Mean Girls but Bruce is too scared of Regina.

Steph: Okay so, it’s her wedding day and she strategically invites all three of her mother’s exes to find out who her biological father is, but! They all just end up adopting her instead!

Bruce: [Quiet but excited clapping]

Dick shows him Twilight. The resemblance between him and Robert Pattinson freaks him out.

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That one friend who keeps sending me painfully unfunny memes finally sends me something bone crushingly hilarious

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Confiscated pens containing cheat notes intricately carved by a student at the University of Malaga, Spain. (2022)

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Cody: I swear on my brother's lives I am a straight man Bly: HELP I CANT BREATH, TELL AYLA I LOVE HER Rex: The light...its getting closer... Fox: MY HEART I THINK ITS FAILING Wolffe: If I knew I was gonna die today I would've bullied Fox more

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Reverse de-aging AU where Damian goes from teeny tiny 8 year old assassination machine to 6’4 grown ass man.

He can throw Jason around like a rock and everyone’s sweating piss. Even better if he retains everything and he’s still regular Damian mentally.

Bruce has a Jason 2.0 except GRUMPIER. He’s not sure how he can explain pushing a giant brick shithouse on swings and carrying him around to the media.

“Damian, please let’s stay inside until we figure how to turn you back.”

“I’m legally not required to respect your parental guidelines and orders anymore, so, I’ll do what I want! And I want to drink alcoholic beverages!”

He tries one sip of Jason’s beer and chokes so hard he cries.

Jon is VERY concerned about this random man picking him up from school and demanding they have a playdate. He blasts him into a building, naturally.

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On the role of Alfred, as understood by the JLA:

Robin!Dick: "It's pretty much Alfie that calls all the shots, sets my bed time and Batman's."

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Red Hood: "It's like a Charlie's angels situation."

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Red Robin, before going against League orders: "The boss? You mean like, Alfred? No I haven't asked him yet."

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Spoiler: "You really want to be late for the dinner? Alfred won't be happy."

Bruce: *closes computer* "We'll finish this up some other time."

JLA: *confused*

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Clark, after Bruce gets severely injured: "Oh God, Alfred’s going to kill me."

Hal: "Relax, what's he even going to do? You're bullet proof."

Clark, groaning and sitting down, head in hands: "That's not going to stop him."

Oliver: "Say the word, and I'll get you on an island not found on any map."

Hal: ???

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Stephanie: Costumes are wasted on Halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

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no bc this video has me in TEARS it looks like a sketch or a bit or a fucking tiktok but no that woman is legitimately fighting for her life while this bitch records some socmed segment for a ski resort