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staying up today for college, i'll fall asleep relatively early and wake up early on the saturday. hair will already be washed and i can quickly go to the gym, weigh myself, and work out for a little. i'll eat some fruit for breakfast so i'm not running on an empty stomach. just talking out loud here to solidify plans so i can try my best to make them happen.

!!! the gym is 24/7 and £18.99 every month, ur broke, NO EXCUSES!!!

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my birthday is in 10 days, i want to improve as much as i can in those 10 days. it's my gift to myself.

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SMALL, TINY RESULTS ARE IMPORTANT FOR MOTIVATION! IF THERE ARE NONE DON'T BE DISAPPOINTED - THE SMALL CHANGES ARE NOT DOING ANY HARM REGARDLESS. REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND REMEMBER IT'S FOR BODY & MIND HEALTH FIRST AND VANITY SECOND. A BIKINI BODY IS A BODY THAT YOU LOVE.

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20TH APRIL:

3RD OF MAY (APPROX. 2 WEEKS AFTER):

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SMALL GOALS:

•eat breakfast: one or two weetabix in vegan milk i.e almond or whatever is less fattening. do it whilst doing makeup if in a rush. it takes two seconds!

•drink water everyday: at least two of the big bottle.

•try your best to go to the gym after college and even for half an hour on a sunday to tire you out for college on monday.

•sleep is important for a healthy mind: weight loss!!

•do exercises at home! at least for 30 minutes. dance around, do zumba, follow a routine - make it fun.

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DIET:

•pasta bake or any other pasta dish: tiny tiny portion. perhaps incorporate more vegetables for balance. grate peppers, onions, etc.

•tikka masala and dishes with rice: eat cauliflower rice or cut down on rice intake.

•replace some meals with a bowl of salad every now and then. maybe twice a week to start with.

•salad for lunch in college.

•NO! MORE! JUNK! snack on fruit or nuts in small quantities.

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i seem to come onto this blog whenever i feel inspired at a late hour (its 6am right now) and i find it funny with all the posts that there never is any change or progess, and months to come in the future ill probably write another post similar to this laughing at this post. however ive wrote a small set of goals that i want to try and follow. and im not going to hate myself if i dont do them right away; i wont cry, i wont self loathe - ill forgive and continue to try. thats all you can do - is try. im more than my body despite that being the complete opposite of how i feel. the way i look takes over me like a big, black bubble of loathing and it weighs (lmao the pun) me down everyday. i cant do anything without thinking about the way i look. i used to wish i was ignorant towards it all but then i got scared because being ignorant doesn't stop the truth - it masks it. and ultimately i would still be very ugly, undesirable and fat. however a little bit of me does wish for ignorance now. anyway, i didn't mean to get depressing in this post since it has an overall positive aura to it. ill copy and paste my small goals next.

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made noodles and i have more food waiting for me in the oven. im writing this and im mad at myself im getting sad and annoyed but it literally wont stop me from eating. i feel like the only way i would stop eating is if i lived in isolation in a house with no food at all. i always somehow find a way to eat its insane i wish i had a normal relationship with food. i cant stop doing it but it doesnt even make me happy.

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you know what im ultimately tired of though? people (myself including) idolising people online with amazing bodies who act as though they've worked really hard it. sure, i doubt you binge and are as unhealthy as me. but i know for a fact your body type and build is natural. im so over it. stop trying to use someone elses natural and unachievable body as inspiration.

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im not sure if having goals or a certain thing in mind is a good or healthy thing when wanting to lose weight but i just want to fit into these certain pair of jeans. i have a collection of jeans that really show my progression of weight and its disheartening. however if i just keep my mind on these pair of jeans and being able to fit in them - i'll know that im getting healthier. im not sure how to measure that though, i dont want to attempt to try them on at the moment because i doubt they'd even fit my calfs. maybe i can try next month. anyway, jeans aside, im going to the gym after college tomorrow and i will weigh myself and keep track of that. not sure how often though.. maybe every two weeks.

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so i haven't been on this in nearly a year. i've gained weight, probably. i definitely haven't lost any. i think thinspo blogs are more harm than they are good however i think this can be a journal of sorts? and a reminder of why i want to lose weight. obviously first and foremost i want to look a way that i percieve as pretty, however i think the health part of it is just as important now, more than ever. im at the largest size i've ever been and it's so scary, i don't want to be tiny but at least go down to the size that i was a year ago. i've started to attempt the ketogenic diet so i'll update this blog on that.

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self care is so damn difficult when you… don’t… care… about your own self

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my bmi is disgusting, i felt sick looking at it and i just feel so embarrassed to be myself. if anything, i need to lose weight to be healthy. i didnt have breakfast and im having a salad for dinner and fighting the urge to binge.. whats wrong with me !!!!!!

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https://www.instagram.com/hmnalns/

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prom is soon.. going to weigh myself tomorrow in the gym. lets see if theres any change in just a week. i'll try my best and eat the best i can without being drastic.

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People who focus on whether the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable.

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first post. cw110 gw100